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The Ten Commandments
The creation of Ten Commandments has it's origins in the very first book of the Old Testament, Genesis. God grows increasingly impatient with the (supposedly) wicked ways in which mankind is behaving and come Exodus 19:18, God begins creating the rules for one of the cornerstones of Christian moral code, the Ten Commandments.
In the text, Moses believes God tasks him to deliver the word of God to the Israelites on Sinai, however he was mistaken. God actually just wanted to meet Moses in a hard to reach place, to test his faith. God presents the Ten Commandments via a projection onto the side of the mountain.
Commandment One - There Shall Be No Other Gods
Exodus 20:3 "'There Shall Be No Other Gods,' presented God, followed by a piece of clipart of a man with a bolt of lightning, a crackly 3 second audio clip of someone screaming 'NOOOOOO!' and then a cheesy transition to the next Commandment."
God is, in the declaration of this fundamental law, performing what has been widely considered as a wise move by many theological judges. Here, he is placing himself in the driving seat and locking any prospective gods out of the picture.
That said, the translation of this passage is considered highly controversial, with many esteemed translation authorities discrediting the text. Nevertheless, it is considered by our board of theological figures to be only morally sound that we translate the text as is, and do not interpret the ideas of Queen James.
Commandment Two - Nobody should mock God, in any way
Exodus 20:4 "'Thou Shalt Not Make Fun Of Gods Face Or Create Caricatures Or Exaggerated Images Of Me Especially In Tabloid Newspapers.' Rupert Murdoch slinked away, paying someone three million pounds to scowl for him."
Despite
his abrasive and murderous demeanour, God is a deeply paranoid and
sensitive deity. God creates this commandment to give mankind a chance.
For had it not been stated, thousands more people may have forcibly
lost limbs or ingested bees.
It is unclear as to whether God’s shortcomings in the fields
of
mercy and compassion are a product of the uncertainty he feels about
his appearance or whether he was always this way.
Commandment Three - Thou shalt not be covetous
Exodus 20:5 "God clicked and the Third Commandment appeared. 'Thou Shalt Not Reach To The Back Of The Shelves In The Supermarket To Get The Longest Lasting Items.'"
If there is but one thing that God abhors, it is an insignificant member of society using unfair means to improve their quality of living.
While the apparant paradox in this translation has caused many to simply write off the statement, our team of researchers have noticed in early records that a large trading settlement several cubits south of Mount Sinai was called Seuper Mahrket. It is a valid position, therefore, to assume that the Queen James interpretation holds some weight as a truly inspired interpretation of ancient texts.
Commandment Four - Thou Shalt Not Translate Holy Scripture Out Of Its Original Language
Exodus
20:6 "God
laboured too long on this Commandment, and his Dr Who screensaver
appeared, much to the embarrassment of all, particularly Dr Who.
20:7
The
next was, 'Thou Shalt Not Translate Holy Scripture Out Of Its Original
Language.'"
It is commonly accepted in the theological community that this commandment was chosen by God as a means of control. As the original commandments were written in Goddish and translated simultaneously, at the request of Moses, into Hebrew, English, Croatian and Pictionary, all of humanity has inherently sinned.
This allows God to do as he pleases, and justify it should he need to. Though who he needs to justify himself to, no one is quite sure.
Commandment Five - The Sabbath
Exodus
20:8
"Moses played a little pocket pool, so God quickly outlawed
masturbation. After a moments thought, God decided to outlaw Moses
instead. "Hey, c'mon, that's unfair!"
20:9
God
decided to scrap that
idea and instead declared "The Sabbath To Be The Day Of Rest." Moses
smiled and God continued, "You shalt labour for six days, and rest a
seventh."
20:10
People
shouted, "What,
that's shit! What about Saturday?! Yeah, c'mon God, you prick!" With
that last remark, God definitely wasn't changing it.
20:11
God
then, presumably as
some sort of punishment, spent several verses explaining how he'd
worked for six days to make the earth, so everyone should labour for
six days and then rest on the seventh."
The working week as it is
currently accepted is considered by
God to
be lazy. In biblical times, working for six days meant working from
00:01 on Monday until 23:59 on Saturday without a break or a union
representative.
The modern world adopts a 9 - 5, Monday – Friday week because
God is otherwise disposed for the time being.
Commandment Six - Thou shalt not (team)kill
Exodus 20:13 The next Commandment was, "Thou shalt not kill." God considered this for a moment and added, "Your own team mates during online gaming."
Extensive research into the Biblical times will uncover many bloody battles and gruesome mechanisms of war. One such passage in the Bible references, according to Queen James, the tactics of these battles.
Slaves were forced into war, lured by the prospect of freedom lest they survive. They where chained into a row or, "line". It was said, at the time, that being in a slave chain gang combat outfit, you were "on line". It was unwise to kill your team mates, ancient tapestries found in Bulgaria show, because everyone would trip over and probably get stepped on.
As can be observed from the translation, God is keen wager of war and is ensuring best practise is laid out clearly, so it will be easy to adhere to.
Commandment Seven - Thou shalt
not commit adultery, etc.
Exodus 20:14 "The next was, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught and if you do, thou must make up an elaborate tale about how she was choking and one was performing something along the lines of an Internal Heimlich Manoeuvre.'"
This
is perhaps the easiest commandment to understand. Throughout the bible,
God is usually seen to be running a monopoly on adultery and other less
specific debaucheries. This commandment ensures the survival of his
monopoly except in cases of extreme entertainment for God, exemplified
by the “elaborate tales” qualifier.
Commandment Eight - Thou shalt not steal
Exodus 20:15 "God revealed the next Commandment to be, 'Thou shalt not filch, pilfer, purloin, snatch, thieve, lift, swipe, hook, pinch or nab. Unless you have a dealer to meet. Or a loanshark.'"
An unusual translation from Queen James here. He has interpreted much more detail into the original texts symbolism and it uncovers a side of God often omitted from other, perhaps lesser, translations.
God here is saying that, in times of struggle, bad things might have to happen in order for good to win. This, interestingly enough, is why Die Hard was such a Biblical movie. The song celebrating the birth of Christ at the end really seals it.
Commandment Nine - Thou shalt not bear false witness
Exodus 20:16 "God rambled on, saying, 'Thou shall not bear false witness to your neighbour, nor make false witnessings of bears to your neighbours.'"
In a modern tongue, this can be construed as “Do not tell lies” and “Do not lie about seeing bears”. Lying, as we all know, is very useful but can sometimes cause problems. Lying about having seen a bear is not only irritating for the acceptor of the bear-witness testimony but also very dangerous. Consider the case of Peter, Wolf, et al for a prime example, albeit not involving bears.
Commandment Ten - Thou shalt not fake orgasms
Exodus 20:17 "Continuing, he said, 'Thou shalt not fake orgasms on pornographic videos.'"
God understands that sometimes, a faked orgasm is necessary to raise confidence, improve morale, influence decisions and raise money. As a result of this, God added the clause that faked orgasms were only sinful when committed on video camera, with prior knowledge of the camera or not.
The added symbolism interpreted by Queen James for this translation was very interesting indeed.
Last updated 22/07/2007 @ 0258