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The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40

The Book of Exodus (v. 1 - 10)

1:1 God sliced off the first film reel, placed it in a reel tin marked “Genesis” and put it on a shelf.

1:2 He went over to his porn bench and selected a blank reel from the rack, took it out of the tin, noticed it was “Chicks with Dicks 5” and put it back. 

1:3 He retrieved a blank reel (eventually) and loaded it onto the recorder. Grabbing a marker from the side, he turned over the tin lid. 

1:4 “Exxxodus: A Hardcore Second Book,” he did scribe.

1:5 He opened a packet of Twiglets, poured himself an egg and cheese sandwich and put up his feet.

1:6 “This should be fucking awesome,” he did say. God pressed the button marked “Record”.

1:7 So, back in the Bible. While God had been changing the reels, all of Joseph’s generation had died and the children of Israel had multiplied like fucking locusts.

1:8 Pharaoh was also, obviously, dead. So a new king of Egypt came to power, who didn’t know about Joseph.

1:9 His name was Boris of Foulmouth and he looked out upon his new lands with his 3rd and 4th eyes. “Well fucking cunt me! Israel had a lot of fucking kids!” he did say.

1:10 Now, Boris was an evil and sporrelific king, who made up adjectives and swore a lot. So he commanded his people to enslave the people of Israel.

1:11 Or, as he put it, “Get those fucking black bastards working!”

1:12 Someone pointed out that the children of Israel were, infact, white. Boris sliced off the man’s face with a long fingernail then gently combed his long ginger hair.

1:13 So anyway, the more the slaves were made to work, the more they multiplied, and soon Boris had a lot of slaves on his hands. A union was formed and the problems began. 

1:14 The National Union of Israelite Slaves Working in Egypt for Sexual Favours or Dirt (NUISWESFD) began negotiations with Pharaoh Boris, but were shortly executed.

1:15 Boris was mighty angry, so he ate one of his servants, then called in the head midwives of Egypt. 

1:16 “Greetings, fine ladies, please carry on with your work as normal and don’t harm any babies at all!” is what he didn’t say.

1:17 What he did say was “Kill the fucking male babies of these black cunts”. He swivelled on his chair and went back to his program about bats.

1:18 However, the midwives were secretly beavers and worked for God, so no babies were slaughtered.   

1:19 This pleased the babies, who performed sexual acts on the midwives in gratitude.
1:20 If there was a line this bible shouldn’t cross. I do believe I have just crossed it. And it’s only going to get worse.

1:21 Meanwhile, up in space, God was rearranging the planets. He wasn’t paying attention to the goings on in Egypt. Just then, he slipped and cut his finger on Venus.

1:22 Boris said something about drowning kids, God dropped Jupiter off the end of the table and a man who sold hats suddenly fell out of his own rectum. This was a weird day.


2:1 Meanwhile, in the Levi household, a man had sex with a woman. He was pleased. Then the woman had sex with the man. He wasn't so pleased.

2:2 The woman gave birth, which was quite a surprise. She thought it was that curry she'd had last night. She hid the child for three months, because she knew what God was like. Anything good and he'd drop The Divine Turd on him, just to ruin his shit.

2:3 But after three months, she'd had enough of sticking her breast down the toilet to feed him, so she glued her child into a basket and threw him in the river.

2:4 The child's sister watched from afar. When her mother had left, she gingerly crept towards the river and turned her brothers basket the right way up, then pushed it off down the river.

2:5 And the daughter of Pharaoh came to wash herself in the river. Nobody knows why, they had a perfectly good bathroom. So while this crazy woman was washing in the river and singing a song by Andrew WK, she saw this basket and verily pissed her pants. Lucky she was in that river, eh?

2:6 She went over to the basket and saw that inside was a child. She shouted, "My Lord, a child surprise!" Then she put the baby's leg in her mouth and rubbed her breasts furiously.

2:7 Later, when the Pharaoh's maids had pulled the child out of her mouth, someone suggested they got a nurse in to see to the child.

2:8 The crazy Pharaoh's daughter leapt into the room, dressed as a nurse. "I SHALL MOISTEN HIS EYES!" she cried. She wasn't allowed near the baby anymore.

2:9 While she was being dragged away, she called unto some woman, saying, "Take the child, look after it! I'll give you money!" She stopped being dragged away. "FATTEN HIM UP FOR ME!" She was dragged away.

2:10 The child grew and was taken back to Pharaoh's daughter, who said, "I shall call you Masturbate Orally Slippery Elephant Shafts." Or MOSES, for short.

2:11 And Moses, who was having a tour of Egypt in a hot air balloon saw his brothers and all their burdens. He also spied an Egyptian smiting a Hebrew. Moses was angry, for he was a Hebrew. Also the hot air balloon ride was very expensive.

2:12 And when the ride had finished he killed the said Egyptian by inserting a twelve inch stiletto into his ear. Then he buried him in the sand, covered him in land mines and then slowly tiptoed away.

2:13 And the second day, Moses went out and saw two Hebrews. He stood in front of them, pulled his penis from his pants and began spinning it in a circle, a sign he had the previous day killed an Egyptian and buried him under some land mines.

2:14 The Hebrews had a right old moan. Don't nobody wanna see Moses' penis.

2:15 Pharaoh heard the news and, dressed like Indiana Jones, ordered Moses be killed with a crack of his whip. Moses, understandably, ran the fuck away.

2:16 He ran to the land of Midian. A priest there had seven daughters, who were filling up some watering cans and carefully pouring them all over some sheep.

2:17 Moses helped, applying some of his own brand of water to the sheep. You get the idea.

2:18 And when the daughters went home to Reuel, he said, "YOU'RE BACK EARLY, HA HA!" He furtively pulled up his trousers. "Oh, I don't know HOW that sheep got in here! Ha ha!"

2:19 And they said, "Um. Right. Yeah, an Egyptian helped us water the sheep."

2:20 And the man cried, "Oh, why did you leave him? Bring him here, that he may eat." His daughters questioned what he would be making Moses eat, but he quickly replied with, "Bread! Bread!"

2:21 Moses was happy to live with this man and, in exchange for something best left unsaid, Reuel gave Moses his daughter. "Finally!" Moses cheered, "I can be the giver!"

2:22 The daughter bare Moses a son, who was called Gershom. Seriously, it was written in biro on his rectal wall. Don't ask about how they saw that.

2:23 Back in Egypt, the king died. The children of Israel, unfortunately, did not. This was unfortunate because it was pretty shit in Egypt. There was no state health service, for instance, and there was an increase in monocorporate culture.

2:24 And God heard all their fucking moaning, so he stuck his head inside a sun for a while. It was a soft, soothing bath.

3:1 Moses went up this mountain which was either called, or was near, Horeb; I couldn’t quite work it out. Some of his Father in law’s sheep followed him.

3:2 One of the sheep rolled over, revealing it’s pubic bush. The bush caught fire. The sheep was in understandable agony.

3:3 Yet the bush of Harold the Sheep was not consumed by the fire. He just kept… on… screaming.

3:4 God had a “brilliant idea”. His face appeared in the flames. The sheep passed out.

3:5 Moses stopped laughing and squinted at the burning animal. “Isn’t that…”.

3:6 “S’up Moses” God did say. “Oh fucking Christ, what have I done to deserve you?” Moses replied.

3:7 God told him not to worry. He was here to tell him he was pissed about the plight of the blacks. “Erm… I mean Hebrews” he corrected himself.

3:8 God continued “I’m going to save them all! I’m going to take them out of Egypt and into the land of milk and honey where the streets are paved with gold!”. “Don’t lie to me” said Moses. “We all know it’s going to be a shithole”.

3:9 God had to agree. Abraham had to live in a tent for fucks sake! He was a nudist you know.

3:10 God told Moses to go tell Pharaoh Boris to let the Jews, he meant Hebrews, go free. Moses questioned his sanity before remembering that this was God he was dealing with. Reason had no place here.

3:11 “I shall be with you… and all that.” Said God, trying to inspire confidence in a man about to be executed for his insolence.

3:12 Moses hung up on God by pissing into his face.

3:13 He went home and sat down with his wife and her dad. As you do.  

3:14 “Good news guys” he said. “God’s making me sort out the plight of the Hebrews”. His wife frowned. “Bad news is, SHEEP DOWN! SHEEP DOWN!”

3:15 “SHEEP DOWN!” he continued to yell, running out of the house and across the desert. Reuel and Turniptits followed.

3:16 Stone Cold Steve Austin ran beside Moses and handed him a plastic cup of water, which he tipped over his head before continuing to shout.

3:17 Moses knelt beside the charred sheep and wept. “OH THE HUMANITY!” he did cry. Turniptits glanced at Reuel. “Why did you have to pick me to marry that?” he said.

3:18 Moses began to lick the sheep clean. The others sat down in despair.

3:19 Meanwhile, God was in his extensive bathroom, wiping the fucking piss off his face. That fucking sikh prick was gonna pay.

3:20 Fortunately, Moses had pissed off/on God on one of his good days. Buddha had just lost a shitload on the stock exchange.

3:21 God decided he was gonna whoop some ass. He began gathering projectiles and magical goods of all descriptions.

3:22 Just when Moses had finished licking, God reappeared in a flame. “Not you again” said Moses. “Yes, and this time FUCKING LISTEN!” said God.

4:1 And Moses said unto God, "Look, if anybody knows you're involved, they're not gonna want to be involved. You're a fucking maniac." God giggled with pride.

4:2 And God, peering through the flames said, "What is that in thine hand?" Moses replied, "A rod." God was disgusted.

4:3 Moses insisted that it was actually a small stick and he was not masturbating. God told him to throw the stick to the ground. It turned into a snake and slithered away going, "Bwahahaha!" Moses ran away, going, "What the fuck?!"

4:4 And God said unto Moses, via a large speaker, "Do not be afraid, Moses. Take the snake by its tail." Moses, fearing God's wrath did so and it turned into a baguette and then the stick once more.

4:5 This was apparently to prove that he was God, unlike all those other jokers who just appear through the flames of a burning sheep's bush at random. Happens all the time.
4:6 "Now," said God, "I want thee to put thine hind into thy ass." Moses was glad he'd bought his Vaseline. He did so, pulled his hand out and, unsurprisingly, it was brown. BROWN FROM LEPROSY!

4:7 "Holy fucking Christ!" screamed Moses, who stuck his hand back up his ass and pulled it out again with a satisfying pop sound. His hand was no longer diseased. This obviously means homosexuality is WRONG.

4:8 And God said, "So. If nobody believes me about the snake thing, the ass thing will surely convince them!" Moses wasn't so sure anyone would stick their hand up their ass without God giving them the I-Can-And-Probably-Will-Kill-You-At-Least-A-Million-Times Look.

4:9 God continued to say, "And if they don't believe that well... well! I think it'd be a good idea to take water out the river and pour it onto dry land. Then the water turns into blood! Blood! Man, I'm awesome. If I wasn't God, I'd suggest me becoming one.”

4:10 And Moses um'd and ah'd and generally wasn't too hot on the idea of leading the Hebrews to freedom. God reached out and slapped Moses around a bit with a large trout.

4:11 And God shouted, "What is this shit! I didn't make your mouth for um's and ah's. I made it for ordering killing! And, in some cases, for the killing itself. Now you stop being such a pansy and you talk like a man and explain all this shit to everyone!" 

4:12 Moses nodded silently, resisting the urge to say, "Um, okay." Because you know, people always do that. You tell someone to stop um'ing and ah'ing and they do it one last time, just to annoy you. I mean what's the fucking point? Really? WHY FUCKING DO IT, YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!?!? DON'T FUCKDIFbgdhiodiyfiu.

4:13 God scratched his nose with one of Joseph's ribs. Moses peered into the flames and said, "Is that a human rib?" To which God replied, "Oh, of course not! Ha ha!"

4:14 God was angry at Moses. Very angry. Then it subsided. BUT THEN IT ROSE AGAIN! But subsided once more, only to make way for MORE FURIOUS ANGER which once again subsided. Moses took a step back from the burning bush.

4:15 God sighed and said, "You're obviously useless, but sadly only human. Go to your brother or someone, I'll do the technical work."

4:16 "Technical work?" asked Moses, who then said, "I'm a fucking moron." God beamed. Moses rubbed his lips, "I see."

4:17 Moses then said, "Take the rod in your hand and write in the sand with it. Hey, God, stop talking about of my mouth, it's confusing for everyone involved." God nodded solemnly then had a cool, refreshing glass of apple shampoo.

4:18 And Moses returned to his father-in-law and said, "I'm buggering off back to Egypt and by the way you suck cocks. No, I didn't mean that. I did. There's nothing wrong with sucking cocks. There is. Fag. Shut up." Moses then left rather quickly.

4:19 And God said, "Go back to Egypt." To which Moses replied, "I FUCKING KNOW. STOP SAYING IT."

4:20 Moses packed his possessions into a box. His shirt, his shoes and his wife and set off for Egypt. He also took the Rod Of God in his hand. "Steady," said God.

4:21 And God said to Moses, "When you get into Egypt, buy me a sandwich. Then, you must go before Pharaoh Boris and perform all these amazing things I've showed you to him. He won't let the Hebrews go, however." 

4:22 God then said, "Then what you'll say is, I'm God's son and so is my son. Free my son to work for me or I'll fucking kill him." Moses wasn't so sure about this.

4:23 So Moses said, "Look, God, you can do all this amazing shit. Instead of turning sticks into snakes, how about YOU fucking free all the Hebrews, eh? I mean I hate to piss on your parasol, but you want them freeing, you fucking do it! What the fuck is your problem?!" God pretended he wasn't listening.

4:24 So Moses is pretty pissed off at this point, so he goes to the pub. He sees someone and tries to kill him and then his wife comes and it's generally rather dramatic. 

4:25 Then, in a stunning turn of events, Moses' wife cried, "You're a terrible husband!" then proceeded to cut off the foreskin of their child, before throwing it on the floor. Even God was silent.

4:26 "What the fuck?!" cried Moses, "You call me a terrible husband then CUT OFF OUR SONS FORESKIN! Just like that! He's not even conscious anymore, you crazy fucking bastard!" 

4:27 So God sidled away, suspecting Moses would be blaming him. He went to Aaron, who worked in Burger King and said, "Go to the wilderness and meet Moses." Aaron nodded and said, "Would you like fries with that?" Nobody laughed because it was a terrible joke. Don't feel bad about not laughing.

4:28 So Moses and Aaron met up. "What's that?" asked Aaron, pointing to Moses' new necklace. Moses replied, "It is my sons foreskin." The conversation went downhill from that point on, when Moses told Aaron all about God.

4:29 And Aaron did say, "So, why doesn't God just go and free the Hebrews if he can do all this amazing shit?" Moses explained the recurring theme throughout the Old Testament by saying, "God is a fucking bastard."

4:30 So Aaron went back to Burger King and spoke all these words of God to the people, and performed the signs of God for the people. He was then fired for bringing a SnakeStick to work.

4:31 But people believed. Oh yes. They believed God was a fucking bastard. "If you can do all this amazing shit," the Hebrews cried, "come and fucking save us yourself!"

5:1 So Moses and Aaron sidled into Pharaoh’s room. After a few moments of awkward silence, feet shuffling and muttering, Moses spoke.

5:2 “Erm Mr Pharaoh. Uh. Sir. God… kinda wants… the people of Israel to sort of, well, go… free. A bit”

5:3 Pharaoh Boris arose from his Jam chamber, where he was being preserved to extend his life. Wiping away a strawberry chunk, he did say “WHAT!?”

5:4 “You want me to free the fucking Jews!?!?!?!?!?”. “Hebrews, sir.” “..Hebrews!?!?!?!?!”

5:5 “Well yes. Please.” said Aaron, who was clutching Moses’ penis.

5:6 “No problem!” said Boris, astoundingly out of character. “Oh! Cheers!” said Moses, slicing off Aaron’s hand and exiting. Aaron followed, screaming. 

5:7 His aides still aghast, Boris turned to one of them and said “Make the niggers fetch their own materials now, instead of us bringing them”. The entourage rejoiced, Boris was back.

5:8 The Hebrews hated Moses, cos he’d pissed off Boris and now they had to work harder. Fucking slaves. Never happy!

5:9 So Moses and Aaron wandered amongst the slaves. The author wondered why Moses and Aaron weren’t being made to work. The slaves hit Moses and Aaron with kitchen utensils.

5:10 Kitchen utensils they had to dig for gold with.

5:11 Also, the land in Egypt is deceptive. It’s about 3 feet of sand then around 700 miles of solid Iron interlaced with chunks of gold (about 1 gold chunk per million tonnes of Iron).

5:12 So now, instead of having to dig through solid Iron using kitchen utensils for eternity, The slaves had to dig with utensils they had fetched from Ikea, which was 600 miles away.

5:13 600 miles across a lake of molten lava and The Plains of Punishment, which were populated entirely by giant scorpions.

5:14 The utensils could dig around 3 centimetres deep into the Iron until they were reduced to stubs. This took around 2 days.  

5:15 All in all, bringing the spoons and spatulas to the Hebrews was awfully nice of the Egyptians!  

5:16 Progress was slow, but the Egyptians weren’t really interested in the gold. They just enjoyed beating Sikhs. They meant Hebrews.

5:17 Soon, a vast valley had developed on the slaving fields which was almost a foot deep. A FOOT DEEP!

5:18 At the end of the month, as a special treat, this valley was filled in with molten Titanium. It cooled and the valley was once again flat. The slaves began digging again.

5:19 Process was even slower. One man died of bollocks. Very strange it was.

5:20 His bollocks just consumed him. Like a cow eating a rabbit. 

5:21 All in all, it was a terribly boring time. Futility reigned supreme and supremacy reigned futile. I am stroking my penis.

5:22 Moses took off his clothes and sat down inside God. “Ok, I told him. Not such a good response. Now he’s making them work harder.”

5:23 And God did speaketh unto Moses, saying “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”

6:1 And God caught his breath and said, "Aaah, just had to see it, man. Okay, now you shall witness what I will do to Pharaoh Boris." God cracked his knuckles.

6:2 God then lit up his pipe and, after a reflective moment said, "This pipe is full of rabbits." 

6:3 He cast it aside and so he spake unto Moses, somewhat rabbit inebriated, saying, "I am God! I revealed myself unto Abraham and he returned the favour. He was a nudist you know." Moses nodded. He did.

6:4 God continued, "And I appeared unto Isaac and Moses and my name was God Almighty. But they did not know my name as JEHOVA! That's all in capitals, by the way. And, you know, being as I'm such a nice guy, I gave them Canaan and stuff."

6:5 "And I did not forget the service they did unto me! They built many statues! I was well endowed! They did me well! And I remember all this they did for me!" Moses shifted his weight onto his other foot.

6:6 God said, "So I say to the children of Israel, I have a dream! I dream that one day, you shall be free from the shackles of oppression. We will let freedom ring! Ring like a bell! A bell fashioned from the metal of rings! Yes!" God seemed particularly pleased.

6:7 God stroked himself out of sight of the burning-bush-o-phone and said more, "And I will free your people, and they will know I am their lord and that I did free them from their burdens! But I'm not going to do anything directly about it! Oh no!"

6:8 Then God said he'd give the land Isaac and Jacob and Abraham had once had to Moses. Moses gave a start and said, "Sorry, you were saying something?"

6:9 And so Moses, with his loudspeaker fashioned from used toilet paper spoke unto the children of Israel, but they did not listen because they had face shackles on. 

6:10 And God tried a new form of communication, skywriting.

6:11 He ordered Moses go speak to Pharaoh Boris once more and ask for the children of Israel to be free. Moses saw a black cat walk by and uttered a few French words.

6:12 But Moses wasn't gonna take this shit, so he said unto the sky, "Even the children of Israel won't listen to me! What is the Pharaoh gonna do?!" Up in the sky, God stroked his testicular beard.

6:13 And God said unto Moses and unto Aaron, who was on his break, "You will free the children of Israel!" Moses buried his head in his hands, "Why is this lunatic God? Does he ever listen?!"

6:14 And so Moses did go to meet Aaron to discuss the matter over a few packets of fried paper and potato.

6:15 Aaron wore a disguise, because he didn't want anyone to know he worked at Burger King lest they enforce his employee discount and he had to eat more of the ghastly Grave Burgers.

6:16 The slogan for the Grave Burgers was, "Your Ancestors Died And Their Bodies Feed The Earth. Cut Out The Middle Man! Eat Your Dead Relatives!" Then were was a picture of a burger. It had "Grandpa" written on the side in crayon.

6:17 Aaron took a bite of his burger while Moses ranted. It tasted like grandma. 

6:18 Grandma didn't taste too good.

6:19 "And fucking God, he just doesn't listen! We can't free the Hebrews, we just can't!" Aaron nodded then remembered what his grandma had died from. He stopped eating the burger.

6:20 The Pharaoh's daughter, meanwhile, was doing something very strange.

6:21 She was anti-streaking.

6:22 She ran, screaming, through the streets, dressed in as many clothes as possible. "I'm not naked!" she cried with triumph.

6:23 She ran past Burger King, attracting the attention of Moses and Aaron within.
6:24 And Moses did say, "Look at the socks on that! At least a hundred pairs, I'd say." Aaron felt the stirring of an erection.

6:25 Suddenly, God appeared in Moses' coffee. "I'm getting my lawyer," said Moses. 

6:26 And God spake, "No, no Moses! It's me! God!" Moses groaned. Aaron did too, but quietly and for completely different reasons. His hand went under the table.

6:27 God then proceeded to list all the children of Israel. Every single one. Moses fell asleep at least five times.

6:28 Then, when he was done, God said, "Now, go to the Pharaoh and tell him he must free all the children of Israel!" God beamed through the coffee.

6:29 Moses leapt up. "What the FUCK, God?! We've tried this before! Twice! Fucking twice! It's not gonna work, you fucking crazy bastard! Shitting hell! You piss me off so much!"

6:30 Moses turned over a table and left. God scratched his chin and said, "Was it because I spoiled his coffee?"

7:1 Moses went to Pharaoh’s house and barged his way into the outer sanctum. The armed guards blinked at him.

7:2 “You’re not supposed to be in here” they said in unison. “I need to speak to Boris. Now” said Moses. The guards’ jaws squared.

7:3 Moses walked forward towards the door. “Stop right there!” yelled the guards, raising their sub-machineguns.

7:4 Moses paused, turned around and poofed into a thousand pink butterflies.

7:5 The pink butterflies hovered on the breeze, glistening in the sun shining through the door. Then they flocked around the guards, consuming them from the legs up.

7:6 Moses reformed just as Aaron came in, after apologising to the staff at Burger King and paying for the table.

7:7 They entered pharaoh Boris’ chamber. He arose from his Jammy chamber and washed himself off with butter.

7:8 “What the fucking cunt do you bastards want?” he did say, towelling his hair with a cabbage. 

7:9 Moses threw down a stick. The stick turned into a swarm of spiders and scuttled off.

7:10 “So?” said Boris, throwing down a jar of Roger. It burst into spiders which sat around, then flew away.

7:11 “I can do that too!” sneered Boris. God was fucking pissed.

7:12 “RIGHT!” he did boom from above. “I’LL SHOW THAT LITTLE GINGER PRICK!”

7:13 God appeared next to Aaron and Moses, in the form of a phallus. “Moses, a word in your ear please mate” he said.

7:14 So, Boris watched as a penis entered Moses’ ear. It whispered unto Moses. Aaron just stared.

7:15 Moses was visibly despairing. The penis exited his aural passage, nodded to Boris, then flew off into the sky.

7:16 “Right” began Moses. “God says…”. Thunder rumbled from above. “Ok. I say…”

7:17 “Ermmm… Well, If you don’t let our people go.” Boris leaned forward and scratched the roof of his mouth with a yellow toenail.

7:18 “The river Nile will turn to spunk” Silence overtook the room. “The Nile will turn to what!?” said Boris.

7:19 “Spunk. Y’know… Sperm, Semen, Man Juice, Love Piss, Come, Jizz, Boy-Paste!” Boris nodded. “I get the picture” he muttered.

7:20 Boris continued to smile and nod, in the hope Moses and Aaron would just fuck off of their own accord.

7:21 A hundred thousand awkward moments passed before Moses spoke.

7:22 “You have chosen.” Is all he said, before walking out.

7:23 As he exited the building, the river Nile turned milky white. “No way!” said Moses. He ran to the river shore.

7:24 He drank of the river and this was all the fucking proof he needed. God smirked in pride.

7:25 So for seven days, the river flowed Semen. Then it stopped. Weird.

8:1 And God said unto Moses, "Now, you shall unto Pharaoh and tell him to free the Hebrews." Moses wondered why God was torturing him so. 

8:2 Before Moses left, God said, "Ooh, ooh! And if he says no, tell him that I will smite his lands with horse testicles in a mushroom sauce!" Moses left, crying slightly.

8:3 And God, in his heaven, did create the mushroom sauce. And he tasted the sauce and it tasted good. So he drank the entire boiling saucepan and, moments later, wished he had not.

8:4 So he created the sauce once more, this time tasting horrible so he wouldn't want to drink it. God was never one for restraint.

8:5 God caught up with Moses, who was exiting the palace. "Moses," he doth cry, "Tell Aaron that when he gets off his shift, he should stretch his rod over the rivers and cause the plague to appear." Moses questioned why God didn't tell him himself. "I've been banned from Burger King for clogging up the toilet," he replied.

8:6 And thus, Aaron stretched his hand out over the rivers and, with a slight sizzle, horse testicles sprang up all over the land of Egypt. 

8:7 And with a flourish, Aaron called down mighty rains of mushroom sauce, which covered the horse testicles over the lands. In the distance, an enormous branch fell from the sky, somewhere in the east of Egypt. "Garnish," said God.

8:8 Then Pharaoh Boris, sliding some golden syrup into his shoes, called upon Moses and Aaron and said, "Oh bugger! I hate mushrooms! Tell God to get rid of this shit and I'll free the people!"

8:9 And Moses said, "Okay." Aaron said, "Alright." Pharaoh Boris said, "Now get out, I'm having a sugary foot experience."

8:10 And so Moses and Aaron skipped away merrily, hand in hand. They left the palace, slipped in some mushroom sauce and died.

8:11 "Oh for fucks sake," said God, bringing them back to life, "What's the news?" Moses rubbed his head. 

8:12 "Well," said Moses, "Pharaoh said he'd free everyone if you got rid of the horses testicles and mushroom sauce." God said, "What a lying bastard." But did it anyway.

8:13 And so God unsheathed the Fork Of God and he did eat the horses testicles and mushroom sauce. After he had eaten his fill, he threw the rest onto Venus. Nobody goes to Venus.

8:14 God mopped up the sauce with a giant slice of bread. 

8:15 But when Pharaoh Boris saw that the plague had gone, he shut his bedroom window, leapt into a bath of brine and nobody was freed.

8:16 And so God said unto Moses, "Tell Aaron to stretch out his rod and spread, erm, wingless bees throughout the land." Moses trudged off to find Aaron.

8:17 And Aaron did so and throughout the land there were wingless bees, wobbling across the ground. It was pretty disturbing.

8:18 You couldn't hear them, because they had no wings. They just crawled on the ground and got stuck in your ear when you slept. That's always terrible because, when you try to get it out, you end up squashing it further into your ear and it takes days to all the little bits out.

8:19 Pharaoh's magicians, who were nothing but common hybrid horse-men said, "Crivens! We cannae undoo his magic! Is th'work of Gord, ah say!" They were also Scottish.

8:20 And God woke Moses up and said, "Rise early in the morning and go to Pharaoh and say, free the people!" Moses fainted in pure rage.

8:21 God woke Moses up in the morning because he didn't wake up. "Hey, hey Moses! It's time to get up! You're gonna tell the Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go! Again! And if he doesn't, tell him I'll send him a plague... of... permanent public erections!"

8:22 God decided not to plague Goshen, as he rather liked the people there. He didn't tell anyone, though. He didn't like them that much.

8:23 And Moses did the usual thing. He could do it in his sleep now. Which he actually did.

8:24 And so, with the Pharaoh rejecting his demands, God summoned a great wave of erections throughout Egypt. It was all very homoerotic. 

8:25 And the Pharaoh called Moses and Aaron and said, "Oh piss off! Go play with your fancy pants God in your own land!"

8:26 Moses did reply, "Ohhhhh but we cannot!" Then he waved his arms around a bit and, much to the dismay of Pharaoh Boris, he did let off a fart.  

8:27 And to follow that up, he did declare he was going on a 3 day journey into the wilderness to sacrifice a small Nigerian child to his Lord. God rubbed his hands with excitement.

8:28 And Pharaoh gave Moses permission to go, which was very nice of him, considering he had no authority over him and all. He offered to pay for a cab, but Moses suspected it was a cab to the GRAVE. 

8:29 So Moses said, "Behold! I am leaving! And I will tell God to remove the erections from the land but you will do well not to lie again! Please, Pharaoh, I'm begging you. God just makes me do the same shit over and over it's like Groundhog Day help me please he-" God pushed Moses out of the door.

8:30 And Moses said to God, "Fuck, when will it end! I'm trapped in a timewarp!"

8:31 And God did according to Moses' word and removed all the erections from the land. How he achieved this, you probably don't want to know. Let's just say there was a plague of premature ejaculations.

8:32 And Pharaoh saw the plague was gone and gazed out upon the people. "Ha ha ha!" he laughed, before jumping into a bath of brine again and putting on his rubber glove.

9:1 God sent Moses to Boris again. “God says you’re really for it now. That is, if you don’t let the Israelites go!”

9:2 “Please, Boris, Let them go. I’m getting really sick of this shit!” 

9:3 As per usual, Boris declined and God was put into action. He was enjoying all of this.

9:4 With a stroke of light, all the animals in Egypt died. Except those belonging to the Israelite. They turned to stone.

9:5 Pharaoh Boris looked out at all the dead animals. “A plague that’s actually in the original bible!?” he cried.

9:6 Just then, the animals began to stagger to their feet. Pharaoh figured God lost his bottle but he was tastily incorrect.

9:7 The animals had, infact, become the walking undead. They began devouring the Egyptian people mercilessly.

9:8 “That’s more like it!” said Boris, stepping back from the window as half a man flew through it.

9:9 Pharaoh ran back down the stairs to his chamber to find Moses waiting. “Not another one!” he said.

9:10 Moses raised his arms to the ceiling. And tickled it. Tickled it good.

9:11 All the men and beasts of Egypt burst out in AIDS. A lot of people died quickly as Egypt is a filthy, filthy place.

9:12 Pharaoh Boris looked shaken but held fast. Moses reached into his underwear to produce the next plague.

9:13 He pulled out his waistband and millions of oysters spewed out, spreading out like a vast cloud as they flapped effortlessly across the lands, devouring all the crops.

9:14 Moses smirked. Boris’ bottom lip quivered. Somewhere outside, a man covered in boils was being munched upon by an undead camel, while a thousand oysters gnawed off his face.

9:15 “I’d give up now if I were you” said Moses, fingering his eyes. “NEVER!” cried Boris.

9:16 “Very well” said Moses. He looked skywards. “Let them have it” he said.

9:17 God glared at him. “I give the fucking orders around here, you shit!” he said, Paused a few seconds, then unleashed the next plague.  

9:18 For the first time in two thousand years, it rained lava in Egypt. The man being eaten was now on fire aswell. This totally wasn’t his day.

9:19 A vein popped in Boris’ forehead, showering his dying Scots Man-horse magicians in liquid chocolate.

9:20 Boris glared at Moses, then glanced out the window, then back at Moses. Then he double-took back to the window. His country was being showered in lava. Shit. 

9:21 Pharaoh’s grandmother ran by the window. God slowed time to a crawl to prolong the experience.

9:22 Her head was on fire, and she was being devoured by roughly 60 oysters. She had one leg and no eyes and was being pursued by an undead cow, which was also on fire. She was screaming. A lot.

9:23 When time sprang forth again, Boris cried out “ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!”. Moses raised his eyebrows. “I give up, you can go free! Just make it stop!”

9:24 So Moses clicked his fingers. And God pretended not to hear him.

9:25 Eventually, God conceded and stopped the plagues, which vanished with a poof of rosemary.

9:26 “Excellent. We’ll be off then!” said Moses. He patted Aaron on the ass and walked out.

9:27 Pharaoh Boris pulled his third hand from behind his back. It’s fingers were crossed. You would have thought God would have seen that!

9:28 So Moses moseyed on outside to see that the Hebrews were being whipped with a leopard.

9:29 Then he hulked out, and threw a lot of stuff around.

9:30 He didn’t really. He played the whiny bitch and told God.

9:31 God hulked out proper good. He extended his giant foot and stomped on Eunuch (Told you we’d come back to him eventually!), who had been running from God for about a thousand years.

9:32 He told Moses the same old shit. More plagues, more death, etc etc. It was like a sequel.

9:33 So Moses stormed back in to Pharaoh. He threatened him with “Or Else!”. And surprisingly… It didn’t work.

9:34 “RIGHT YOU CUNT!” said Moses, rather over the topperly… topilly… whatever.

9:35 “IM GONNA SHITTY SHITTY GANG BANG YOUR FACE!” he yelled, before charging headlong… into the next chapter.

10:1 Moses ran into a wall. Everyone decided that this was a rather foolish thing to do and Moses left, bleeding and embarrassed. But mostly bleeding.

10:2 God strolled by the side of him, a delicate lace umbrella raised against the sun. "Moses, my darling, you must go to your sons and tell them all the wonderful things I've done!" Moses wondered how much blood he'd really lost.

10:3 Out of sheer habit, however, Moses and Aaron stopped in on Pharaoh, and asked for the Hebrew's to be freed. Pharaoh said, "I'm considering becoming a nudist, you know." Moses and Aaron spied a running gag.

10:4 Moses said, "If you don't let them go, God is probably going to do something horrible. Like..." Moses thought about this, "... like... a plague... of... shoes..." Pharaoh wondered what was so bad about that. Moses retorted, "Living shoes! With teeth!"

10:5 Pharaoh took a step away from Moses, but this was to cover his copy of Nudist World, which he had carelessly left lying around. Moses continued ranting, "And these living teeth shoes will have eyes! Eyes in their teeth! Yes!" God stuck out his bottom lip and nodded in appreciation.

10:6 Moses lowered his voice and said darkly, "Also, they'll bite only one place. The groin."
Pharaoh gasped in surprise. His copy of Nudists Weekly was lying open next to a box of fig rolls. 

10:7 And Pharaoh's servants covered up the magazine and said unto him, "Pharaoh, The Nudity Enquirer is open on your desk." Pharaoh shuffled over and covered it up.

10:8 Unfortunately he covered it up with a copy of Nudism Today. His servant coughed politely behind Moses' back and Pharaoh, seeing his mistake, tossed them into the wastepaper bin.

10:9 Unfortunately it was the waste paper bin he'd got free with the 100th issue of Naked Times. His servant wiggled his eyebrows and Pharaoh, realising his mistake, booted the bin out of the window.

10:10 Unfortunately, one of his servants thinking it was a mistake, threw the bin back, along with a copy of Extreme Nudity Monthly, which had just been delivered. Pharaoh quickly threw all the offending articles into the furnace.

10:11 Pharaoh coughed, not looking Moses in the eyes. "So, uh, yeah. I'm not going to free anyone. Show them out, Jones." The servant said his name was James. Pharaoh threw him in the furnace and said, "You know your way out."

10:12 Later, God sat with Moses on a lace picnic blanket under a weeping willow tree. God said, "Oh, Moses, such a dreadful twist of the knife! I'm afraid I must tell you to spread out your hand and announce the next plague." God idly twisted his hair in his fingers. Moses felt uncomfortable.

10:13 So Moses did what God had asked and he spread his hand and called forth the next plague. There was nothing as the night came in, but a great wind blew and, come the morn, a strange sound was heard. Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! 

10:14 The eye-teethed groin-eating living shoes hopped all over Egypt, biting groins and hopping around. The strange sounds over Egypt were now: Bloop! Bloop! What? Shit! Bloop! Fuck! Bloop! FUCK! Bloop! ARGH FUCK! Bloop! GRARGHHH...

10:15 They covered the land, the naturally friendly demeanor of shoes contrasted sharply with a creature that could only look at you if it was baring its teeth. God strolled serenely under some trees, clad in a large, slightly pink and very frilly dress.

10:16 Pharaoh, meanwhile, was in rather a sticky situation. He was naked, covered in jam and had a shoe firmly planted on his penis. He decided to visit Moses. "As you can, uh, see," he said, "I think I've sinned against you and God."

10:17 Pharaoh then said, "So please, I beg for forgiveness! Take away this sin!" Presently, the shoe attached to his penis fell to the floor, revealing four condoms firmly placed on Pharaoh's erect penis. He said, "Look, I don't know how they got there, nor why it's erect, okay?" Then he stomped off.

10:18 Moses went and told God, who had a daisy in his hair.

10:19 So God, in all his infinite kindness, drove the groin eating eye-toothed living shoes away with a great wind which also drove away much newspapers, much to the chagrin of Errence, who lived in the newly christened Valley Of The Newspapers.

10:20 Then Pharaoh's heart was hardened once more. He did not let the Hebrews go and also decided to see his doctor. This heart hardening thing was serious.

10:21 And the Lord said unto Moses, "I say, this Egypt is rather hot, isn't it? Anyway, Moses, let's do the next plague. Stretch out your hand and the Plague Of The Sky Strobe Lighting shall begin!" God clapped his hands excitedly. 

10:22 So Moses called forth the next plague and lo, it did happen. For three days and nights, the sky flashed dark and light ten times per second.

10:23 This plague wasn't very successful, in that most people just went outside and waved their arms about, observing the cool effect strobes have. A few people suffered brain trauma. Then a few more...

10:24 And Pharaoh said unto Moses, who was beginning to see his brain fall out of his nose, "Moses! Moses I say to thee, take the Hebrews, but leave the cattle! Please! I can't read my magazines!"

10:25 And Moses said nothing, because he had actually just died. While God poked his brains back, Aaron said, "No! You must offer sacrifice to the Lord and we must also take our cattle!" Pharaoh rubbed his head as a person fell screaming from a nearby building. 

10:26 In the distance, a thumping beat started. God threw off his dress, picked up a glowstick and a microphone and screamed, "If you aint dirty, you aint here to PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY!"

10:27 Pharaoh, upon hearing this, did not relent and would not the cattle go with the Hebrews. He told Moses, who was now alive again, to bugger off. God was sweatin' until his clothes came off.

10:28 Pharaoh dropped to his knees, the 10Hz sky hurting his eyes and the music God was playing hurting his ears. He, addressing God, Moses and everyone said, "FUCK OFF! JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF!"

10:29 Moses gladly fucked off. He was getting pretty pissed off with God himself.

Next page: Exodus 11 - 20
The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2215