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The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40

The Book of Exodus (v. 11 - 20)

11:1 God caught Moses with an elaborate fishing rod. “One more. Promise,” he said. Moses sighed as he was reeled out again.

11:2 God gave Moses his orders telepathically. Moses tried to cave in his own face.

11:3 Moses went to the Head Honcho of the Hebrews. (Scores 3 for alliteration! Crowd goes wild!) “Yo, check this shit.” He said. A silence fell upon the conversation.

11:4 “God is gonna beat some ass tonight.” Just as he said that, the sky stopped flashing. Head Honcho of the Hebrews, Or Triple H as he will be known, removed his anti-epilepsy shoes.

11:5 “And basically, here’s how it’s gonna happen” said Moses, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a list.

11:6 “All the firstborns are gonna die. Including those of penguins”

11:7 “Anyone who is their own grandfather will die”

11:8 “Anyone wearing their special shiny hat will die”

11:9 “Anyone found to have eaten a snail in the last 48 hours will die”

11:10 “Unless you’re a Hebrew, and you follow some rather more specific instructions!”

12:1 God took the form of a giant baby, encased in a bubble and floated down to Moses and Aaron.

12:2 And God did say, "This month is the beginning of all months, it is the first month of the year." Moses produced a calender. God was right. Moses put a little tick next to January.

12:3 Then God did devise a series of events the Israelites must do. "First," he said, pulling a little hole in his Celestial Bubble so they could hear him better, "all the Israelites must take a lamb from their lamb piles."

12:4 God continued, "Or, if a household is too poor for a lamb pile, the Discount Lamb Selection Box may be used instead."

12:5 God pouted in thought within his mighty bubble, then said, "Another thing. The lambs must be sacrificial quality, which is grades A to C." Moses scribbled in a notebook. God said, "D to F may not be used. Only A to C. If you need to find out the quality of a lamb, you poke its eye out. The noise is make will tell you the grade."

12:6 "However!" God cried, "When grading a lamb with the eye poking method, the lamb degrades by one grade. So, if you poke a lambs eye out and it cries 'A!' then the lamb is grade B. Discount Lamb Selection Boxes have the grade on the lambs tongue, but they are only ever grade B and C. Are you with me, Moses?"

12:7 Moses nodded slowly, writing furiously, so God continued. "When you have the correct grade of lamb, you must initiate the sacrifice. This is achieved by taking the lamb by the legs and striking its head against a wooden pillar twice." Moses looked uncomfortable. God leant back in his Bubble, smiling. He'd still got it.

12:8 While God leant back, Moses finished writing and said, "Yes?" God sat bolt upright. "You want more?! Fine! After that, you roast the very flesh of the lamb, while it's still in a coma and then eat it straight off."

12:9 Moses wished he'd never spoken. "Then," God said, looking wistfully into the distance. "Then... you must eat it all. Its head, everything. Yeahhh." God closed his eyes and smiled.
12:10 Moses finished writing this down and looked up at God, who said, "Mmm... nothing shall remain of thee, sheep. You shall be consumed by fire than by man. Mmm..." Moses made a further note of this.

12:11 "YES!" shouted God suddenly, rolling backwards in his Celestial Bubble. He rolled the right way up and said to Moses, "YES! You shall eat the lamb! Eat it! Eat it with your shoes on, Moses! Your shoes!" Moses' following nod was more of a survival instinct than any real means of agreement.

12:12 That instinct was probably passed down from Adam himself.

12:13 God started to float away, before shouting down to Moses, "Oh, by the way! I'm killing all the first borns but the Hebrews shall be saved if you mark your doors with blooooooo..." and God had disappeared behind a cloud. 

12:14 "Do you think he meant 'blue paint' or 'blood'?" asked Moses of Aaron. Aaron considered this for a moment, thinking of all he knew about God. "Blood," Aaron replied. "Definitely blood."

12:15 Mose's phone rang, with God on the line. God said, "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Ah, Moses. Okay about this big thing that's going down, all the Israelites should eat bread which is RED!" Moses coughed and God replied, "I'm not changing my mind Moses."

12:16 So God did demand a week of red-bread eating, but left the creation of red-bread to the imaginations of his creation. Aaron sharpened his knife. God almost mentioned something about chillin' wit' yo' homies on da sabbath day, y'all, but Moses didn't really understand.

12:17 God hung up on Moses and floated back down to Earth, still taking the form of a giant baby in a mysterious bubble. He proceeded to explain how he would observe the great feast of red-bread, and would be awarding points for how red the bread would be.

12:18 The points could be exchanged, upon death, for tokens, which allowed access to the various attractions Heaven had to offer. Drinks and food were not included, although the rollercoasters offered complimentary water.

12:19 God then paused in his speech, rocking gently in his bubble. He then said, "Urnnnnnnnnnnn," because he was trying not to shit himself. 

12:20 He managed to stem the great steaming tide, and so resumed talking to Moses. Moses, however, had other ideas, and had covered his ears in pollen, attracting bees which masked all sound.

12:21 God waved him away and Moses waved the bees away. Moses then called on all the elders of Israel and said unto them that a lamb should be sacrificed, and he did pass on the instructions as God had spake unto him. One of the elders died, so they had him for dinner.

12:22 If they were quick enough they wouldn't even have to cook him!

12:23 Moses told them about the painting of the doors so that God would not smite them. Everyone took notes, although Moses didn't know why. That's not the sort of thing you forget.

12:24 Someone requested the brown sauce and, moments later, a rather dubious looking gravy boat emerged. While the substance within was indeed brown and it certainly had a sauce-like quality to it, people suspected it wasn't what they were looking for.

12:25 Moses tore himself a finger from the village elder and chewed thoughtfully. Perhaps God was really going to help them out this time, he thought.

12:26 God, in his heaven, sensed this, and cut Moses arm off. While Moses gaped in horror, someone at the meeting shouter, "ANOTHER FOR TABLE!" Moses cried, "NO! GIVE IT BACK! GOD YOU FUCKER!" 

12:27 God put Moses' arm back on, but he did it upside down. "Don't go thinking such nice thoughts about me, Moses," quoth God. He didn't want that kind of thing going on.

12:28 Everyone left after much joviality, a word God decided to invent there and then to describe the event that had just occured. Then he invented the word 'False-necro-limb-phile' to describe the man still trying to eat Moses' arm which had been severed and then re-attached.

12:29 Midnight arrived throughout the land of Egypt and it came to pass that God took Mjollnir in hand, which he had stolen from Thor, and went throughout the land, bashing in the heads of all the firstborn children with his magic hammer.

12:30 And the Egyptians rose in the morning to find their sons and daughters, their brains spread across their pillows and walls. A great sadness fell over the land, for not one firstborn child had been spared the massacre.

12:31 Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron, who walked solemnly through the streets, taking in the cries of the parents. In one house, there was laughter. "You're alive!" someone cried, "You were spared!" 

12:32 God appeared in front of Moses and Aaron and said, "Oops, missed one." He strolled into the house, his enormous magic hammer over his shoulder. He was also whistling. Moses and Aaron hurried away.

12:33 Pharaoh stared coldly upon Moses and Aaron from his chamber. He said, "Fucking hell." Moses and Aaron nodded. Pharaoh continued, "I mean, come on, fucking hell. That was just... brutal." Pharaoh ate a leg of fried chicken. 

12:34 After Pharaoh had swallowed the chicken leg whole, he said unto Moses and Aaron, "My... my son..." he sniffed. "My only son..." God appeared and killed Pharaoh, saying, "That bitch aint never had no son." Then he raised Pharaoh from the dead and disappeared.

12:35 "My poor, poor son..." wailed Pharaoh. Moses coughed and said, "You aint never had no son." Pharaoh said, "Shit."

12:36 So Moses and Aaron, who was suffering from a liver condition, left Pharaoh and the Israelites had a stroll around, stealing shiny things from Egypt. Nobody seemed to mind. By remarkable coincidence, the entire Egyptian police were composed entirely of first-born children.

12:37 The children of Israel then left Egypt and went on a short visit to Rameses and Succoth and also the River Styx. God appeared and pushed someone into it. "No heaven for you, sucker!" he cried, before disappearing again. The remaining children of Israel took a collective step backwards.

12:38 The took some cows to ride and horses to eat. Someone could be heard to shout, "Road trip!"

12:39 On this rather pointless journey, they made some bread. Which was red. A particular fan of red-bread was Fred. He had it tattooed on his head. 

12:40 God placed a four hundred and thirty year ban on rhyming.

12:41 A bus passed the Israelites, but it was going to Christchurch, New Zealand, so it didn't stop.

12:42 The bus accelerated past, reached eighty eight miles per hour and disappeared, leaving flaming tyre marks. Moses understood. It was quite a distance to New Zealand.

12:43 God floated down to earth, still in the form of the Astral Baby Bubble. He said unto Moses and Aaron, who was beginning to turn yellow, "Lo! Sup. What's goin' down? I got a rule for you." Moses groaned.

12:44 God produced an official looking piece of headed notepaper and read, "No servant shall be allowed to eat his masters food unless he is circumcised!" Silence floated in the air like so many bubbles.

12:45 Moses said, "God, if you're so nice and all, why are you saying servants are okay? That's not a very kind and loving example to future generations, is it?"

12:46 And God said, "Shut up, Moses. People who are good and kind are misinterpreting my actions! Christianity is all about slavery, rape and brutal circumcision! I think I'm setting a rather good example." Moses wished he was talking to Buddha.

12:47 God thrust the paper at Moses. "Recycle this, but forget not the rule I have spake upon you, for I have a copy of that letter in the Divine Archive and woe be upon anyone who makes me go in there."

12:48 God looked around and leaned closer to Moses. In hushed tones he said, "There's spiders in there, you know!" God leant back. "And moths!"

12:49 God shuddered at the thought, and pulled his collar closer to him. "Anyway," he said, "I have to mow the lawn. And by that, I mean I have to crush a small galaxy. Bye!"

12:50 And so all the children of Israel did as God commanded, because they didn't want their arms cutting off or anything like that.

12:51 And it came to pass that the children of Israel did leave Egypt. It was a bit like an exodus, I suppose. 

13:1 Days into the journey, the people of Israel began to grow tired. They would call out with what strength they had left “Oi, Moses, You’re fucking lost aren’t you!?”.

13:2 But they were not lost, for they were being guided by the Lord. Which meant they were being led round and round in circles until he got bored.

13:3 Eventually, a spectacle arose over the horizon. Verily, they were all saved, because they had come to a motorway service station.

13:4 Moses sipped his Tango and God smoked a rollup as they leant against the wall outside. “So…” began Moses, “Where are we going?”.

13:5 God squinted into the distance and stroked his eye, rolling it back into it’s socket. He grunted and scratched his groin. “Land of milk n honey” he said, rather nonchalantly.

13:6 Moses smirked and let out a little token laugh, followed by a little token fart. Silence filled the air as a goat rolled past. “Oh my God… You’re serious aren’t you?” he said.

13:7 God nodded like a man who had been shot in the back of the head by the world’s slowest bullet.

13:8 His head levelled again, showing that his eyes were missing and his mouth was stretched so his chin touched his stomach. A pair of maniacally laughing faces leered at Moses from God’s eye sockets.

13:9 God’s hideously twisted mouth belched forth fire and a swarm of flying toes, which stubbed themselves against Moses’ face repeatedly. Moses, as freaked out as you are, I would guess, screamed. And with that, the illusion stopped.

13:10 God. Fucking. Pissed. Himself.

13:11 “That shit ain’t funny man” said Moses, composing himself. “Lets get these people moving again” he continued, in a vague effort to advance the plot.

13:12 God extinguished his cigarette on a passing turtle and joined Moses. Moses called to the people, who were busy getting ripped off for snacks.

13:13 “We have fed well, Lord” said one peasant, bowing before God. “And it only cost us £34,563.45” he glanced around. “For all 7 of us!”

13:14 God said something philosophical which would easily be interpreted as “Murder your friends” and walked off, turning into a pillar of ducks as he did so.

13:15 Moses did a brisk walk. Which wasn’t quite a jog, but faster than a trot. Anyway, he caught up to God and gave him a knowledgable nod.

13:16 “Any… uh… Reason? For the Ducks?” he said. God explained that it was a spiritual thing for these people and ducks would be feared by them for generations throughout time.

13:17 “Frankly” he continued, “The sight of a grown man running away from a duck is fucking hilarious”. Moses had to agree, he was finally starting to see God’s logic. 

13:18 Then they came to a T junction. “Easy path to the land of milk and honey with few dangers at all Street” lay in one direction while “Horrendous path taken only by complete morons or people named Stephen which inevitably leads to the land of milk and honey but via a FUCKING SEA Road” lay in the other.

13:19 Moses started walking even before God had shown them the road they would take. He knew the deal by this point and had come to expect the worst in every given situation.

13:20 At least it wasn’t as bad as “The Road of One Thousand and Six deadly booby traps most of which involve scorpions which have been set on fire and cross-bred with dragons”. That road led to Asda.

13:21 And so for many uneventful days, they journeyed. Living off cereal bars and meals composed of sand, guided by a flock of ducks. 

13:22 You have to say, their faith was unshakable to follow a load of birds and a man who had brought horrendous plagues upon a lot of people.

14:1 And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying, "Tell the children of Israel to camp here, by the sea, before Pihahirothdor, betwixt Migdolungthor and Baalzephonocronimonicon and slightly up the road from Mordugkrunackgrugathonrimonduckzor.

14:2 Moses unfolded his map and found none of the places God had mentioned. God clicked his fingers, and the map changed. "Drat!" said Moses. A small dog sniggered beside him.

14:3 God explained that Pharaoh will think the children of Israel are lost forever in wilderness, trapped between Migdolungthor and Baalzephonocronimonicon. Moses thought they actually were.
14:4 "Then," spaketh God, "Pharaoh will be pissed." Moses sympathised with Pharaoh, he wasn't overly thrilled about this entire situation either.

14:5 Pharaoh was told of the children of Israel fleeing. He had a heart attack and died. "Not yet you don't!" cried God, bringing him back to life with a redundant array of inexpensive hearts (RAIH). Pharaoh, returning from death, looked around in wonder.

14:6 He said, "I saw a bright light..." dreamily, waving his hands around in blissful serenity. In Heaven, God turned his torch off and sighed, "That was close."

14:7 Suddenly, Pharaoh remembered why he had died. "Those Israeli bastards!" He pulled a sword off the wall, seriously reducing the structural integrity of his palace. "Let's hunt some Israelites."

14:8 The Pharaoh rode out of the Pharaohcave in his Pharaohchariot. A robin flew by, which God would have found amusing, had he been paying attention.

14:9 And chased the Israelites were, until they were overtaken by Egpytians as they camped beside Pihahirothdor and before Baalzephonocronimonicon, which was slightly up the road from Mordugkrunackgrugathonrimonduckzor.

14:10 The Israelite's, who had been dropping not insigificant amounts of acid for some time, finally looked up and saw the Egyptians and verily they did shit themselves. They'd taken laxatives, too.

14:11 They cried unto Moses, "You cock! You bought us here to die!" Moses tried to explain he had no choice in the matter. God caught a passing neutrino and ate it.

14:12 Moses cried, "Fear not! For our Lord God is with us, who shall stand for us and fight for us!" Someone farted. Everyone turned.

14:13 It was the Fart of God, which he had blessed the world with by releasing as he sat on a rock. "Aah, shaddup, Moses, I ain't doin' no fightin'." He lit a pipe and began puffing.

14:14 When I say lit a pipe, I mean he set fire to it. God looked around lazily, with a burning amount of wood and metal hanging from his lips. "Man," God thought, "I look pretty cool."

14:15 The blood drained from Moses' face, but God held up a hand and smiled wryly. "Fear not, my children. You shall go forward! Moses, lift out thy rod, no, not that one, stretch out thy hand and divide the sea!"

14:16 Moses lifted up his rod (no, not that one) and stretched out his hand and divided the sea. He overdid it, however, and ripped a huge gash in the fabric of space-time.

14:17 "What the fuck did you just do?!" said Cthulu, emerging from the hole. "'Sup Cthulu," said God. Cthulu turned and said, "Eyyy, God, how's it goin', man?" before giving him the secret handshake.

14:18 The Egyptians rode closer, so God stood up and said, "Cthulu, sort those Egyptian motherfuckers out for me!" Cthulu nodded, and slithered over to the gaping hole in space-time.

14:19 "Moses!" cried Cthulu, "Close the hole and open it later, I shall ambush the Egyptians inter-dimensionally!" Moses, whose brain was performing seppuku, nodded slowly.

14:20 The night came and with it, God created a vast spreadsheet in Microsoft Excel, which he projected onto Earth, creating a massive wall, dividing the Israelites and Egyptians. 

14:21 With the hole Moses had made reset, he had a second go that evening. He managed to slowly part the sea. When he was done, he saw a whale on the sea bed. The whale looked up at him and rasped, "You... cock..." 

14:22 God's Windows machine crashed, so the Excel projection wall failed and the Israelite's legged it into the gap Moses had created in the sea, many tripping over the dying whale. "Fucking... cocks..." it breathed heavily.

14:23 The Egyptians persued, lighting their quad halogen chariot headlights and activiating their neon chariot underlights. They looked kickin' rad.

14:24 The Egyptians progress was slow, because they kept having to stop to change their techno CD's, multichangers being too expensive.

14:25 The Israelites reached the other side of the sea, the Egyptians not far behind, moonlight glistening from their alloy chariot wheels as they thundered towards them. God woke up.

14:26 "Now, Moses!" God cried. Moses stretched out his hand and once more parted the fabric of space-time. Cthulu rose before the Egyptians, his tentacles rising with menace.

14:27 The Egyptians did not fear, for they rather enjoyed octopus. Cthulu raised his staff before him. "Thou... shall... not... PASS!"

14:28 He slammed his staff down, causing the towering walls of water to collapse inward. Cthulu said, "Shit!" and dived back into his dimension, taking a few people to eat. The last that could be heard was, "Check you later, guysss!"

14:29 The children of Israel stepped ashore, Moses last of all. He limped towards a rock and sat down, massaging his foot. "Fucking whales," he said. 

14:30 Thus the Lord, being a kind, merciful and gentle God, killed thousands of people, rendering countless families missing sons and husbands. God lit up his pipe again in sweet, sweet victory.

14:31 The BBC came to take some pictures of the dead Egyptians on the shore but curiously, none of the dead had any faces.

15:1 God wandered ashore and shook the water off his flip flops.

15:2 “That was awesome,” he did say to Moses, who was sitting on a rock staring blankly at the horizon, which was staring blankly back at him.

15:3 “Fuck off,” the horizon did say, and Moses snapped out of it. He turned to God, who had the face of a man expecting a response. The face of a man expecting a response who happened to have leprosy.

15:4 Moses quickly glanced away again. “Yeah. Awesome. Genocide.” he did say. God locked his thumbs and smoothed out his eyebrows.

15:5 “Was good to see Cthulu again. Haven’t seen him since… well, since I created all the dimensions!” said God. Moses was playing with a rock though.

15:6 A small mollusc of interest formed in Moses’ brain. “Erm. Exactly how many dimensions did you create!?” he enquired.

15:7 God looked skyward and counted in his head. “Fourteen in total. Mostly for storage. Some just for fun.”

15:8 “Do go on” said Moses, suddenly taking an interest in the formation of the world. “Well,” said God. “You have the obvious four.”

15:9 “Otherwise known as the X plane, the Y plane, the Z plane and time. None of which are linear by the way. Hence the whole dimensional ripping thing back there.”

15:10 “Then we have the fifth dimension, Wind.” He continued. “Isn’t wind caused by pressure differences over large areas?” asked Moses. “Shut the fuck up. I’m the divine creator and I KNOW BEST!” said God, deceptively calmly.

15:11 “Then we have 6,7,8,9 and 10 which are all used for storing backup supplies of sea creatures, electrical appliances, grandparents, nuclear arms and flatpack furniture respectively.”

15:12 “11 is a watery dimension where Cthulu lives. It’s not very nice and everyone there has typhoid. But they’ve evolved into it so now it’s actually deadly not to have it.”

15:13 “Then we come to 12. Which is predominantly the realm of custard creatures. You know when you make shit custard and you get lumps in it?” Moses nodded solemnly. “Those are small tears in the space-time continuum, allowing small custard beasts through.”

15:14 “13 is typically the dimension of unluckiness, hence the tradition. Anything unlucky which happens in the world is a result of dimension 13’s interference. Such as suddenly being set upon by stoats or falling into a dragon.”

15:15 “And 14 is an exact copy of this world. Except it’s running at a delay of about 5 seconds. Which means it is responsible for Déjà vu. Also, it’s the primary cause of making you forget why you came into a room.”

15:16 “Thankfully inter-dimensional tears are rare, I mean the last one before you summoned Cthulu was when Abraham dropped a monster shit which tore a hole in space-time and opened up a wormhole to dimension 7. He was promptly greeted by a small shower of toasters.”

15:17 Moses laughed a little. Not because he found mirth in God’s anecdote, but because he feared he was losing his sanity and it would be the best thing to do in the situation.

15:18 The entire nation of Israel was now thoroughly engaged in a game of Tallywhaps.

15:19 Tallywhaps is a strange game played by slaves of minimal intelligence and a high level of interest in the most idiotic things.

15:20 The object of Tallywhaps is to provoke a scorpion into a fist fight; then, once the scorpion throws the first punch, to run away as fast as you can shouting “Scoooooooorrrrrrpiooooooooooooo”.

15:21 If the scorpion wins and you are caught, then you die a horrific stingy doom.

15:22 If you win and the scorpion wanders off in a much bemused state, you are greeted with cheers of adulation, chaired off the playing field and into a large pit where you are buried alive for ten days and nights.

15:23 The game lasts 5 hours and is contested between two even teams. The winner is the one with the most human-scorpion victories.

15:24 Unfortunately, what the Israelites had failed to notice about Tallywhaps is that nobody in the history of the world had ever enticed a scorpion into throwing a punch at them.

15:25 Hence the score was, had been for the past 3 hours, and will continue to be for the next 2 hours… Nil-Nil.

15:26 This was not to the detriment of all however, because God played the pools and raked in a large fortune on a weekly basis.

15:27 But anyway, Moses came out of his trance, God finished his hamster and the full time whistle blew on the Israelites. It was time to go somewhere… and do… some shit.

16:1 The Israelites journeyed and ended up near Sinai. For a while they trod a road of gold, but it was pretty slippery and someone broke their hip.

16:2 Thus, a compensation lawyer materialised out of nowhere and began suing Moses and Aaron for leading them on such a road.

16:3 While he was there, the compensation lawyer put together a case against Moses and Aaron for the lack of any risk assessments produced in leading the Israelites out of Egypt. 

16:4 God whispered unto Moses, "Behold! I will rain bread from Heaven for you!" Moses smiled. "You're going to satiate his stomach and all my peoples stomachs and remove all their woes?"

16:5 God narrowed his eyes and said, "Fag." Then, like a bakery version of Thor, God launched a baguette toward the Earth and lo, the compensation lawyer was struck dead.

16:6 The Israelites buried him in a sandworm, which they promptly set on fire and then buried in a moon orbiting Jupiter that only Israelites can see. They then destroyed the moon.

16:7 Moses said unto his people, "The Lord has heard your woes!" God muttered something about not caring, which Moses ignored. Then he uttered something about anal annihilation, which Moses tried to ignore.

16:8 "So!" cried Moses desperately, "God shall give you some food if you stop complaining!" The Israelites murmured amongst themselves, finding this quite acceptable. God began heating up a tablespoon with a lighter.

16:9 Moses whispered to Aaron, "Hey, long time no speeches from you. Tell our people to come before the Lord and express their woes." Aaron said they were before the Lord. "Then," said Moses, scratching his chin, "Tell God to uncloak himself."

16:10 And so it came to pass, there was a shimmering in the air and a brown, masked figure with dreadlocks stood silently. "Holy shit," said God, next to Moses, "he's gonna waste you all! Ha ha!"

16:11 The Predator growled and spake unto Moses, "I'm lost. Which way to the Ross 128 system?" Moses murmured something about needing a permit and pointed up. The Predator growled his thanks and left in a curiously phallic ship.

16:12 God suddenly appeared unto the Israelites and burst into flames. "I SHALL GRANT YE FOOD." Then he disappeared, much to the bewilderment of pretty much everyone. Moses, who could still see God watched him pull a needle out of a small bowl of liquid.

16:13 Everyone went to sleep and, as soon as the last man dozed, a mighty army of quails rose from the ground and crawled all over everyone. They then slowly set fire to themselves, so they would be dead and well cooked by the time everyone awoke.

16:14 The sudden effect of so many quails leaving their homes at the same time ripped a small hole in the space time continuum. "For fucks sake," said Cthulu, rummaging for some duct tape.

16:15 The children of Israel awoke, covered in gently smoking quails. Some had even taken the liberty of dipping themselves in a marinade, providing extra special self cooked quail for some.

16:16 Everyone called the event The Coming of Quails, which was eventually shortened to The Coming.

16:17 The food from God was called Mana, because of the magical properties it contained. In reality, this was salmonella, but reality is rarely involved in matters of God.

16:18 They ate so much Mana that they could cast Magic Missile with metamagic extension for five times before being depleted.

16:19 And Moses, with the aid of karaoke said, "Don't leave any food until the morning, inside my shell I wait and bleed."

16:20 Some didn't listen, however, on account of them being deaf. They left the quails until next morning and alas, they were rotten and worm ridden and, in one case, the quail had actually risen from the dead and was moping around squawking. That quail was also worm ridden.

16:21 Every night, new quails rose, marinaded and cooked themselves and every morning, the children of Israel ate. One day, the sun was particularly hot and a small boy with feathers glued to his arms landed on Moses.

16:22 "Wrong mythology," said Moses, pushing Icarus off him. He ate twice as many quails that day, because they had invented a marinade with garlic in.

16:23 Moses stood and addressed his people. With little labels he'd printed out from his computer. Then he said, "People! Tomorrow is the Sabbath, which is the day there will be no Coming! That's right, no quails!"

16:24 To overcome this problem, Moses suggested everyone get a taste for worms. This didn't go down too well, much like worms.

16:25 And the morning came and the food was not rotten, much to the disappointment of Moses, who had hidden a Mars bar in his rectum, where even God did not look.

16:26 God came down and told everyone not to run with scissors, mainly because he'd accidentally severed one of his seven thousand arms earlier. It had been replaced with a gaping maw full of sentient teeth, all craving victims.

16:27 The teeth from God's missing arm wound cried out the names of children. "Briaaan," they droned, siren like. "Thomaaas!"

16:28 The Israelites ran away and God said to Moses, "Shit man, keep yo bitches under control man!" Moses nodded slowly. "Stuaaart!" came a small voice.

16:29 God commanded everyone to return, sit down and caress the bloody, shuddering stump where his arm once was, now littered with teeth, still crying out names. "Emillly!

16:30 On the seventh day, everyone rested. Largely out of shock, loss of blood or severe vomiting.

16:31 They lamented about how there were no quails, no Mana to restore them. Moses could only cast Cure Minor Wounds twice before he was spent.

16:32 Just as the Israelites were about to start moaning, God leapt onto the scene and cried, "I'm cutting this chapter short! There is no plot left!"

16:33 Moses said, "No, you're not."

16:34 "I am."

16:35 "If," Moses said, "by 'you are', you mean you aren't, then you're right."

16:36 God said, "Now look here Moses-- oh shit, verse 36. Fuck. Shit." God savaged Moses with his sentient arm stump teeth. "Take that! Ha!"

17:1 So anyway, by means of a plot advancement, the people of Israel went and lived somewhere I’ve forgotten the name of because I just deleted this whole verse to retype it.

17:2 But anyway, wherever they were, there was no water. Or racial tolerance. Moses suspected they may be in America.  

17:3 The people of Israel went a bit mad. And rightly so. They yelled at Moses that he had brought them there to die. Moses stared blankly, before pointing a finger at God.

17:4 God was sat on the floor, throwing small pebbles in an annoying fashion at the Israelites.

17:5 Moses moseyed on over to God. “So, they want to kill me. What do I do?” he said, rather like he wasn’t that bothered. He wasn’t. God wasn’t about to let him get away that easily and he knew it.

17:6 God glanced at Moses, then at a passing tree, then back at Moses. “Ok. Go and stand on that rock and whack it a bit with your rod” he said.

17:7 Moses struck the rock. The rock exploded.

17:8 God chuckled to himself “Fucking brimstone. Brilliant.” as the scent of vanilla popcorn filled the air.

17:9 “No Way! Brimstone smells like popcorn? So it wasn’t just… Ahhh” God shared a moment with himself.

17:10 So anyway, this guy called Amalek came from somewhere and started ruining the Israelite’s shit. Toasty Moses strolled back onto the scene after a lengthy walk from where he landed.

17:11 With what little emotion he had left, Moses punched a hole straight through Amalek’s head, without even stopping to ask what he wanted, or where he got that lovely haircut.

17:12 Thus, what could have been a lengthy and ultimately pointless battle in the bible was resolved in 2 chapters.

17:13 This freed up some space for the earwigs.

17:14 Earwigs invaded the encampment. Scuttling across the ground, frightening the women and most of the men with their terrifying cries.

17:15 “EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” was all that could be heard for the next 20 minutes while the army passed. 

17:16 A certain degree of normality returned, followed by a cloud shaped like a dragon having sex with a Fiat Punto. Everyone watched.

18:1 Jethro, priest of Midian and 1464BC Meat Loaf lookalike regional winner heard of all the amazing things God had done for Moses, all the terrible, horrible things having been carelessly omitted.

18:2 He was Moses' father-in-law, not that the law counted for anything in the Wild, Wild West. Or, more accurately, the Wild, Wild Middle East.

18:3 He made preparations for a journey by packing Moses' wife and two sons into a bag, as he had apparently left them behind at a service station. 

18:4 In reality, he traded them in for a bacon sandwich, but only he and Thomas, Who Is Pleased To Serve You knew that.

18:5 Jethro donned his rocket boots, propeller hat and jetpack and took a taxi to Moses' camp.

18:6 And unto Moses he did say, "I, thy father-in-law, Jethro, am come unto thee and with thee I bring thee two children and a wifey."

18:7 And Moses said, "Gee whizz, by golly, gosh and wow, thanks! I was wondering where I'd left them." He threw the bag containing his family into the tent and took a walk with his kind-of-dad.

18:8 And Moses told his father-in-law all that the Lord had done unto Pharaoh and the Egyptians and what he had some for the Israelites. Jethro tried to run away, but Moses grabbed his collar. "No fucking way am I letting you go."

18:9 And Jethro despaired for all the horrible things the Lord had done to pretty much everyone. Moses despaired also, but he had learned to deal with it. By dealing with it, I mean he knew a dealer, if you know what I mean.

18:10 And Jethro said, "Blessed be the Lord, what a thoroughly nice chap he is, stone me, oh yes, is that the time, I must be going!"

18:11 Moses put a knife to his father-in-laws throat. "Don't go, please don't go, I... I need someone with me. Please..." Jethro was hardly in a position to argue or, indeed, breathe.

18:12 Jethro, fearing his escape attempt had been witnessed by God decided to offer an offering. He took a small child, covered in petrol and set it on fire, screaming, "THIS IS FOR YOU, MY LORD!"

18:13 God was pleased, pleasured and somewhat peckish. He plucked the roast child from the ground and devoured it. "I thank you, Jeremy."

18:14 Jethro did not correct God, nor did he offer him another child, or interest free credit on a new card purchase. While we're on the matter, he didn't offer him anal sex, either.

18:15 And Moses signed up for a credit card, because it had a low APR, whatever that meant.

18:16 It was a Christian Express. Moses asked what 'Christian' meant and God just tittered to himself, before causing Moses to be several million pounds in debt with a flick of his wrist.

18:17 Moses' father-in-law said unto him, "You've gotta get away from God, he's a fucking maniac and you'll never get car insurance now!"

18:18 Moses quivered slightly, then collapsed into an orange liquid, before being rebuilt, momentarily flashing to a hideous demon before returning to normal. His father-in-law said, "What... was... that...?" Moses said, "What? What happened?"

18:19 Moses' father-in-law said, "Look, your people are a mess. That man over there is juggling his own severed foot." It was Aaron.

18:20 "They need leaders, Moses, great leaders," he whispered. Moses considered this, while playing four games of Go and nine games of Chess. 

18:21 Moses turned gravely and said, "I will not risk open war." Suddenly, Aaron ran up, stopped and said darkly, "Open war is upon you, whether you would wish it or not."

18:22 Jethro flapped his hands at them. "What are you talking about? Just get some organisation in this group of people. Look, that man over there is juggling his own severed foot." 

18:23 Aaron added quietly, "I taught him that, y'know."

18:24 And thus Moses listened to Jethro, his father-in-law, keeper of the Silver Bail.

18:25 He chose men to lead thousands of people, although to where they would be led would be a matter for the Leading Decisions Council, which Moses also chose.

18:26 And they made decisions, passed motions and made passes at each other. You could credit Moses with the invention of democracy, but God wouldn't hear of it. So he plotted to fuck it up.

18:27 Moses' father-in-law fucked off, taking Moses' wife and a not insignificant amount of rohypnol.

19:1 Thus, Moses was alone once more. He looked to his left, where God was grinning at him maniacally. "Yes," he thought, "I am thoroughly alone!".

19:2 However, Moses was befriended by a man called Bob. Bob was a pretty cool dude. He was into the same kind of shit as Moses. Playing poker, lassoing turtles, etc etc.

19:3 The only thing about Bob was that he inexplicably embraced death in every possible situation. For example, if an extremely slow car were to move towards Bob, he would throw his head back, hold out his arms and prepare to be delivered to the lord. This annoyed most people, who tended not to kill him wherever possible.

19:4 So God called Moses up to Mount Sinai. He could have spoken to him on the ground, but things were just more difficult this way.

19:5 Bob pursued Moses. Then, a thunderous rockfall began a few hundred feet above them. Moses instinctively ran under a ledge. Bob embraced his own doom. 

19:6 For twenty seconds, Bob stood with his eyes shut while the rocks fell the unfathomable distance, eventually sweeping him to his death 400 metres below.

19:7 And has quickly as he had come, Bob was gone. Moses was once again alone, chasing God up a mountain.

19:8 When Moses finally reached the summit of Sinai, God was waiting for him on a recliner. He had a drink in his hand and had apparently taken the ski lift which meant he got there several hours previously.

19:9 "Evening" said the Lord. "Yes?" said Moses, who had just climbed 43 cubits. Or was it 43,000,000?

19:10 "Here is a brush" said God. "Go and clean the Israelites".  

19:11 "I'm sorry?" queried Moses, as his faith in God slipped to sub-satanic levels. 

19:12 "Your people", God took off his shades, "Fucking stink". Moses stared at the toothbrush he had been given.

19:13 "I'm supposed to clean thousands of people with a toothbrush!?" yelled Moses. "You'll figure it out" said God and disappeared into a cloud of soil.

19:14 Moses pondered for a while. "Cleaning the five thousand?" he said, before hurling the toothbrush over the side of the mountain and trudging back down the beaten path.

19:15 In a strange twist of physics, as Moses was walking down the path, the toothbrush hit him on the back of the head. This caused him to roll down the last 5000 feet; primarily on his face.

19:16 Moses would have found this odd but after all, who controlled physics?

19:17 He reached the bottom with all the grace of a child playing snooker. He picked himself up and wandered to the "XXX GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" tent.

19:18 Meanwhile, God was scribing something.

19:19 He'd had this idea for some time. Since Eden infact. Mankind was a bunch of useless cocks and as such, he needed to make some ground rules.

19:20 God pondered this over breakfast and wrote the rules in his burnt toast with the blunt end of a razor blade.

19:21 He had a sip of his paint stripper and read the paper for a bit. This only gave him more ideas. It was a tabloid.

19:22 Then God took a break from rulemaking because Trisha was on. Other people's problems amused him so. Mainly because he created most of them.

19:23 After Trisha, God got back to work only to find his toast had been eaten by his Ultra-Cat.

19:24 God found a screwdriver and began re-scribing the rules. On his newly flattened Ultra-Cat.

19:25 There were ten commandments. And they went a little something like this:

20:1 "Listen, yo, my name be God, and these are the rules I lay from ab.. hod.."

20:2 God stopped rapping and began his Powerpoint presentation of the Ten Commandments onto Sinai.

20:3 "There Shall Be No Other Gods," presented God, followed by a piece of clipart of a man with a bolt of lightning, a crackly 3 second audio clip of someone screaming "NOOOOOO!" and then a cheesy transition to the next Commandment.

20:4 "Thou Shalt Not Make Fun Of Gods Face Or Create Caricatures Or Exaggerated Images Of Me Especially In Tabloid Newspapers." Rupert Murdoch slinked away, paying someone three million pounds to scowl for him.

20:5 God clicked and the Third Commandment appeared. "Thou Shalt Not Reach To The Back Of The Shelves In The Supermarket To Get The Longest Lasting Items."

20:6 God laboured too long on this Commandment, and his Dr Who screensaver appeared, much to the embarrassment of all, particularly Dr Who.

20:7 The next was, "Thou Shalt Not Translate Holy Scripture Out Of Its Original Language." 

20:8 Moses played a little pocket pool, so God quickly outlawed masturbation. After a moments thought, God decided to outlaw Moses instead. "Hey, c'mon, that's unfair!"

20:9 God decided to scrap that idea and instead declared "The Sabbath To Be The Day Of Rest." Moses smiled and God continued, "You shalt labour for six days, and rest a seventh." 

20:10 People shouted, "What, that's shit! What about Saturday?! Yeah, c'mon God, you prick!" With that last remark, God definitely wasn't changing it.

20:11 God then, presumably as some sort of punishment, spent several verses explaining how he'd worked for six days to make the earth, so everyone should labour for six days and then rest on the seventh.

20:12 Moses reasoned thusly, "If that is so, Lord, then perhaps we should also have the power to launch cobras from our eyes and crush cities underfoot." God flicked Moses with a mighty finger into a jar and shook him up.

20:13 The next Commandment was, "Thou shalt not kill." God considered this for a moment and added, "Your own team mates during online gaming."

20:14 The next was, "Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught and if you do, thou must make up an elaborate tale about how she was choking and one was performing something along the lines of an Internal Heimlich Manoeuvre."

20:15 God revealed the next Commandment to be, "Thou shalt not filch, pilfer, purloin, snatch, thieve, lift, swipe, hook, pinch or nab. Unless you have a dealer to meet. Or a loanshark."

20:16 God rambled on, saying, "Thou shall not bear false witness to your neighbour, nor make false witnessings of bears to your neighbours."

20:17 Continuing, he said, "Thou shalt not fake orgasms on pornographic videos." 

20:18 And people saw all the Commandments and were amazed. Then they saw thunder and lightning and were annoyed, because they'd left the washing out. Finally, God blew a trumpet and everyone was kind of, well, unsure of what to say, I mean, he's God and all but, y'know, you'd think he would be better at the trumpet.

20:19 Everyone was pretty shaken and they asked Moses about what it all meant and, more importantly, could they go home and get their washing in yet?

20:20 And Moses said, "Fear not, for God says he stole all your washing earlier and destroyed it." This did little to raise the spirits of the Israelites.

20:21 Moses went and stood near God, who was encased in a thick, dark shell made of chocolate, with sandpaper underneath. Moses licked the shell and quickly wished he hadn't.

20:22 God told Moses to stop licking his Sandpaper Chocolate Relaxation Ball and to go and tell the Israelites to obey me and if they have forgotten what I spake then...

20:23 God paused for a moment in his shell. "... Then, they shall die horribly at one of my many hands."

20:24 Moses turned to leave when God called out, "Moses! Sacrifice some things to me and I shall grant thee a +1 alignment bonus!" Moses, puzzled, confused and with half his tongue missing, trudged down Sinai.

20:25 Moses made an altar out of a large amount of cement and a small birthday candle. 

20:26 He sacrificed the candle by lighting it and went home to find his washing hanging on the line, utterly soaked from all the rain. Moses sighed and thought about what God had said. "Lying bastard."

Next page: Exodus 21 - 30
The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2230