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The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40

The Book of Exodus (v. 21 - 30)

21:1 God smashed down from Sinai and landed infront of Moses, who blinked. God wasn't finished yet.

21:2 "Did I forget to mention the by-commandments?" he said, as Moses pulled a small rock out of his nose.

21:3 "For starters, if you have a slave, you get to keep him forever UNLESS..." Moses sighed and glanced away.

21:4 "He is A) Blind B) Orange or C) Unskilled in the use of taxidermist's equipment."

21:5 "Blind, Orange Taxidermists are the order of the day then!" said Moses, surprisingly upbeat. "No" said God "You just didn't fucking listen did you?"

21:6 Moses wondered when he ever listened.

21:7 "Also" continued God, "Selling your daughter to a lobster will be subject to Stamp duty."

21:8 "Oh come on!" yelled Moses, who was a first time buyer.

21:9 "Finally, Anyone called Moses shall die a horrible death at 3pm on Tuesday" God concluded.

21:10 Moses checked his cheesewatch. 14:59. Tuesday the 42nd of Wallbanger 4034BC.

21:11 "Fucking B.." said Moses, before he was cut short. Literally.

21:12 God had taken the form of a triffid and was slicing Moses into pieces with a katana.

21:13 God ceased and glared at Moses, who had taken the form of small chunks and was quickly running down the drain.

21:14 "Think about this moment the next time you want to make fun of your divine creator" he said, wiping his blade on his ginger sideburns.

21:15 Moses reformed, only to be utterly dismayed that God had taken the liberty of having a shit into his remains and stirring it up in a bucket.

21:16 Moses dismay continued when, a couple of microseconds after his reformation, God's 6 foot long erect penis smashed him into the floor like a large blunt nail.

21:17 When he opened his eyes, he was buried up to his neck in earth. God was sitting infront of him with a large lamp, shining it in his eyes.

21:18 God went on at great length about the new rules of his world. All the time he was doing this, he stroked his knee worryingly.

21:19 Basically, killing other people, being rude to your parents, fishing for birds and speaking without a license were all now punishable by death.

21:20 Marmite was not to be spreadified after 3pm. Raffle tickets could not be sold to those over 70.

21:21 Solicitors must wear a sign declaring their status in society.

21:22 Doors must be fashioned from trees growing in alkaline soil and must be no greater than 3 feet in width.

21:23 This was to prevent fat people breaking into your home and stealing all your food/children.

21:24 Second to this, the new legal threshold for fat people was 3 feet in width. Any more and you were made to live on a flotilla in the middle of the lake.

21:25 The use of electric fences to impound crabs was now illegal.

21:26 Horse on woman action was not a criminal offence, but it was frowned upon. Much like having sex with your grandmother.

21:27 Dental surgery was to be carried out by Unqualified personnel only.

21:28 Any cows found guilty of killing a man shall be stoned to death.

21:29 Perhaps that would be "Mooder".

21:30 I am so sorry.

21:31 Tenuous jokes were made illegal, punished solely by the suspect/author being forced to drink 6 pints of his own piss.

21:32 The minimum depth of a pit was raised to just 4 feet. This didn't include subsidence or weathering.

21:33 A new unit for measuring the wobbliness of supermarket trolley wheels was introduced.

21:34 Female-invented colours such as "Lemon, Coffee, Mauve, Taupe, Puce etc" were now banned and replaced with proper colours like Horrahorrawamagong.

21:35 Facefucking became mandatory.

21:36 God finished. Moses nodded. God wandered off. Vertically.

22:1 God returned quickly, waving a small orange piece of paper and saying, "Thou must throw away thy cinema tickets and not in my garden!"

22:2 Moses made the mistake of asking God where his garden was. God answered by laughing, stretching his arms around the entire planet and screaming, "This entire planet is my garden! Hahaha!"

22:3 Moses was saddened. God had crushed his bicycle.

22:4 God laid down a strict, complex and completely amazing penal code which nobody remembered and thus the creation of law must fall to Aaron.

22:5 Aaron decided that laws should be decided by everyone so that they were fair, neglecting to remember that most people are stupid.

22:6 Death was subsequently outlawed, the punishment being more death. God wouldn't have minded, but there was an influx of people in heaven who just kept on screaming as their bodies were burnt.

22:7 "Aaargh fuck!" they cried, "I thought this was heaven, a place of eternal peace! Shit! God! What is going on?!"

22:8 God then had to carefully explain that he didn't give a fuck and if they didn't stop screaming he'd resurrect them inside a wall cavity.

22:9 God stopped Aaron making laws and, while he was at it, stopped Aaron talking, eating or breathing, allowing him only precious seconds moments before he died.

22:10 Moses said, "Come on, God, is there any need?" Moses got the same treatment for a few hours.

22:11 God then span quickly, releasing Moses from his almost fatal grip. "I free you Moses, but..."

22:12 God then stepped forward, plucked out Moses' eyes and thrust them down his pants. Moses took a moment to adjust to the light, then began screaming.

22:13 Someone ambled past, seeing Moses with his eye sockets empty and small amounts of tissue leading into Gods waistband, with Moses screaming.

22:14 All that mans psychotherapist could extract from him was, "Always... screaming... never... stopped... screaming... EYES! Screaming... always..."

22:15 The result of treating the man who had seen God's torture of Moses had sent the psychotherapist into a breakdown, so he had to see a psychotherapist too.

22:16 During a particularly long session, God showed up, plucked out the stricken mans eyes and thrust them down his pants. Spinning himself to maximum effect.

22:17 Much later, God returned to Moses. "Let's not let this happen again, Moses." Moses did nod.

22:18 Also, God said, "Fuck witches, too! I hate them, all that healin' shit. I chop a mans leg off, I want him to die! They just mess things up."

22:19 God then said, "Moreover, no man who lieth with a beast shall live, unless the beast is over 36, or the equivalent of 16 in animal years."

22:20 Moses asked what 'animal years' were, entertaining the idea that animals lived in transparent dimensions with differing relations to time, thus producing quicker aging creatures in the same universe.

22:21 God said this was stupid, stepped quickly towards Moses and plucked out his eyes. Moses, quick thinking, produced a pair of scissors and cut the optical nerves clean through.

22:22 God deflated slightly. "You can... have them back, I don't want them anymore."

22:23 Moses thanked God, replaced his eyes and got a rather nasty shock when he discovered the surprise God had left him on his eyes.

22:24 God decided to expel some more law-ery, a word which is far more challenging to say than it is to type.

22:25 He said, "Thou must not burn candles straight onto the hearth. Use a kittens mouth."

22:26 Moses made notes, which God promptly grabbed from his hand, screwed up and threw away. Moses looked at God blankly.

22:27 God looked back and said quietly, "I, uh, hmm." He picked up the paper, gently unfolded it, smoothed it out on his chest and handed it back to Moses.

22:28 The next rule was, "Don't eat poisonous mushrooms if you are planning on jogging in a straight line."

22:29 The next was, "Do not give alcohol to minors, unless they are thy children and they go 'Ewww!' when they drink it. If they do not go 'Ewww!' then they must pay for it. All of it."

22:30 God stroked a sheep softly, staring into the sky. "Uh, God?" said Moses, waving his hand.

22:31 God turned quickly and snapped, "Don't drink dog cocktails!" And then vanished, to be replaced by a puff of smoke and a smoking puff. "That's offensive language," said the homosexual. Moses walked away.

23:1 All this rulemaking went on for days. Everyone became awfully tired. Especially the Israelites who, due to their life of slavery, hadn’t slept. Ever.

23:2 A few games of Tallywhaps were played, with someone almost scoring. Though in the end, the issue of what could be judged as a punch thrown by a scorpion arose and everyone just sat down.

23:3 Which they soon realised was a big mistake, as the scorpions overran them.

23:4 And so, the scorpions scuttled off across the plains, celebrating another epic victory.

23:5 Meanwhile, most of the Israelite team were convulsing. Or dead.

23:6 It’s rare in a text such as the bible for current affairs to pop up. However, in this case, an exception can be made for it is of a religious nature.

23:7 The pope, Sky News informs me, has just died! Hooray!

23:8 However, this has nothing to do with the story, as Christianity hasn’t been invented yet.

23:9 Neither, therefore, has the wealth-loving, child molesting, oppressive, backward branch of Christianity known as Catholicism!

23:10 Anyway, Moses was in his tent. Which he liked to call Abraham.

23:11 He was a nudist, you know.

23:12 And in his tent, he was playing scrabble. He was just about to lay down the final tile which would give him the highest score ever achieved in a single move in Scrabble.

23:13 He’d managed to make an 8-way junction between the words: Antiperiplanar, Hydrogencarbonate, Polarizability, Cuprammonium, Diaminobenzene, Anharmonicity, Amperometric and Holawolabutocyanoratifatipollollolloninopsion.

23:14 One of which he had made up. The other seven were right there in the dictionary! …Oxford Dictionary of Chemistry.

23:15 He was about to lay down the last n when God burst in. Through the floor.

23:16 He popped up, in the form of a baby, screaming and covered in blood.

23:17 Moses shat a pony.

23:18 “Hello!” said God, as Moses was scraping the remains of his soul from off the walls of the tent.

23:19 “Lets talk serious for a moment” said God, morphing into the form of a cardboard box.

23:20 “Alright” said Moses. Well, he didn’t. It sort of came out as “Ah… lsrrggh… muh!”

23:21 “I hear” God leaned closer. “That fuck all really happens in this chapter. Again” he said.

23:22 “Hurgh… Waap” said Moses. God nodded and lit his pipe.

23:23 “Now. I’ve read somewhere that all that happens in this chapter is I declare what a bunch of shit-eating donkey-fucking knobsacks the Philistines are”.

23:24 Moses nodded, in the same way a mentally disabled child might.

23:25 “Well. Lets do something about it!” said God, before breaking into a cabaret style performance.

23:26 Moses regained the power of sensible speech and cleared up the faeces from his little scare.

23:27 He went outside, to find Aaron, planting a cabbage.

23:28 “Neat show huh?” said Aaron, suddenly American.

23:29 “Mmmm” said Moses. Which Aaron recognised as a sign he wasn’t interested and that he should paint this cabbage red.

23:30 Moses strolled away, transfixed by something. As soon as Aaron’s vegetable was painted, several aircraft promptly landed on him.

23:31 Something about a bright red object in the middle of nowhere indicates “Runway” to some people.

23:32 Moses glared at God, who was still dancing. God didn’t glare back, so much as smirk at the enormous fireball behind Moses.

23:33 God’s song ended on a crescendo. “And don’t trust the Philistines, they’re all Godlesssss Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags!”. Moses decided this was the worst musical ever.

24:1 Moses received a phone call. "Moses..." someone breathed heavily, "I want you to come... to my house..."

24:2 "Piss off, Aaron," Moses said. The phone said, "It's not Aaron, it's God, you little shit. Come to my house. Now. I have left you a trail of burning birdseed, littered with burning birds."

24:3 Moses took the elders as some sort of shield and followed the burning trail. The blind could follow the smell.

24:4 The blind and smell-less would simply follow the path of pure pain.

24:5 The blind, sans-smellites were nicely roasted by the time they arrived, and died. God took them as a sacrifice.

24:6 He spat them at the sun, using it as target practice.

24:7 Betwixt his shootery, God told Moses that everyone should do as he say. Moses watched God spit a dead person into the sun and wondered why anyone would do otherwise.

24:8 God said unto Moses, "Moses, this chapter, I have a point. A moral, if you will."

24:9 Barely able to contain his despair, Moses asked what it was.

24:10 God said, "I am going to torture you for despairing at what would have been a great boon to you and mankind. It shall commence in five minutes. I suggest you remove that wig of yours."

24:11 "But I'm not wearing a wig..." said Moses, before considering this for a moment and then getting a pair of scissors from a handily placed scissor rack.

24:12 Moses quickly began to cut his hair. He snapped the scissors shut over a lock of hair and a great screaming commenced.  "AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!" screamed the screamer.

24:13 Moses let go of the scissors and looked around. The screaming stopped. "AAAAAAAA- oh," stopped the screamer.

24:14 Slightly petrified, Moses began to cut his hair again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!" went the screaming once more.

24:15 Moses held the scissors in front of him and the screaming stopped. He shut the scissors and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

24:16 Moses opened them and the screaming stopped. He closed them and once again, the scissors screamed. "AAAARGH- oh. AAAAARGH- oh. AAAAAARGH- oh."

24:17 Moses put the scissors down and God set his hair on fire with a storey high lighter. "I see," said Moses, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHH!"

24:18 Flailing in pain, Moses stumbled into the scissors, knocking them to the floor. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHH!" screamed the scissors. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH!" screamed Moses. Sounds like stereo, thought God.

25:1 “Right baldy!” said God. “It’s that time again!”. Moses looked through him.

25:2 “It’s time… To steal from the Israelites!”. “Hooray” said Moses, being utterly unconvincing with his enthusiasm.

25:3 “Go around all the Israelite tents and take things from them, for I have a plan! A CUNNING PLAN!”

25:4 “Take Gold, Silver, Brass, Dyes, Cloth, Goat’s Hair, Badger Skins, Wood, Eggs, Teatowels, Those little things you press down and they pop back up, Dice, Children, Fuel, Sandals, Small Rocks, Bears. You know the sort of thing”

25:5 “Anything I can get my hands on” said Moses. “Anything you can get your hands on” confirmed God.

25:6 God went back into his workshop and began drawing up plans. Moses waved hello to Mrs Theolopolis, before punching her in the face and stealing all her possessions.

25:7 Moses worked all day, under the assumed guise of “Holy Repossessions Inc”, stating that everybody owed God. Owed him big.

25:8 Moses had learnt that he could get away with anything so long as he blamed it on God.

25:9 Moses finished his rounds and hammered on God’s workshop door with Mr O’Leary’s false leg. It was all he had left.

25:10 God poked his head round the door, looking exactly like Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future.

25:11 “Marty!” he cried, and dragged Moses inside. “Listen. Big plans. I’m building an ARK!”. Moses winced. “Not more fucking flooding!” he said.

25:12 God explained that the bible is quite ambiguous on almost every issue possible including that of Arks. This was a different type of Ark.

25:13 There were infact, 245 different types of Ark. This was number 83 and consisted of being essentially, a box. Filled with nice things. Stolen from Israelites.

25:14 God handed over his blueprints to Moses. “And by “I’m building”, I mean “you’re going to build for me”, of course. Let me know when it’s done!” he said, before shooting off to the heavens.

25:15 Moses raised his eyebrows before inspecting the plans. “Oh bollocks!” he said. “He’s written it all in fucking cubits!”

25:16 So, Moses passed down the responsibility of building to the Israelites, cause he was better than them.

25:17 Verily, they did construct a fine box, filled with all their own possessions. Decorated beyond their wildest dreams, with their own possessions.

25:18 Mr O’Leary’s false leg was placed on top as some kind of moralistic indication of the sacrifice of the Israelites. God laughed.

25:19 And finally, upon the side, they did scribe “Robin Gibb”. For this, in all it’s splendour was the “Ark of the Covinont”.

25:20 The person in charge of chiselling the inscription on was unfortunately rather dyslexic.

25:21 God whizzed down from heaven and stood next to Moses. “It’s lovely” he said. “A shrine to thievery! Which I believe is somewhere in the commandments!”

25:22 So, as a final ironic step, God ordered the tablets of toast upon which the commandments were scribed to be placed into the Ark; which by it’s mere construction, had broken about 3 of them.

25:23 Up until now, there has been no mention of the scale of the ark. God’s plans stated “3 x 1.5 x 1.5 cubits”, which nobody understood.

25:24 So it came out to be about 7 feet long, by 2 feet high, by 3 feet wide. Like a coffin…

25:25 Out of the excess wood and pilfered items, A table was constructed.

25:26 Upon the table a lovely tablecloth, some gold plates, spoons and some rings which seem to have no importance were placed.

25:27 Finally, a candlestick with seven stalks and a dragon’s head on was forged and placed in the centre of the table. This would be important at Hanukah, which was about 13 months away.

25:28 Finally, a great eye was placed in the centre of the table to watch over all Jew kind. It’s name was Oskar.

25:29 Well that was a subtle fucking reference, wasn’t it?

25:30 A curtain of fire was set up around the table and the Ark. Within it, all of the thousands of Israelites sat around the table. For this was almost 3 cubits long.

25:31 Cubits truly were a terrible unit of measurement.

25:32 For almost 3 minutes, the Israelites (or Jews, as they could, but will not, be known from now on) feasted upon unleavened bread.

25:33 Unleavened bread was bread which had been walked on. And had no leaves in.

25:34 It was a terrible feast, because God was there. There wasn’t enough food and he got outrageously drunk before picking a fight with Aaron and falling into a lake.

25:35 The curtain of fire was removed and the Israelites went back to their empty tents, full of a sense of happiness that they had given all their possessions to… well, God.

25:36 God awoke the next morning next to a sheep, wearing the skin of another man.

25:37 “Fucking hell, what a brilliant night” he said, before being sick.

25:38 He staggered into Moses’ tent, treading on his testicles in the process. They had a talk. About manly things like cookies with chunks in.

25:39 God eventually fucked off and went back to heaven to play pool with a cloud.

25:40 Thus, the foundations of Judaism were laid. And God was thoroughly wasted throughout!

26:1 God produced a detailed floor plan. So detailed, in fact, it showed the exact folding positions of every curtain. God called it The Tabernacle.

26:2 Moses said that it sounded like something a pirate would say. "Yarr, shiver me timbers, I gots a cut on me tabernacle, yarr, it 'urts it does arr."

26:3 God very slowly turned to face Moses and a great fear fell upon Moses, followed by a great desire to have the ground open up and swallow him, something which very realistically could happen, with God around.

26:4 "You're right!" cried God, "We shall fashion The Tabernacle, the holiest of holy places, to be shaped like a pirate ship!" God slapped Moses on the back.

26:5 God then put his serious face back on, having removed his jovial face. It was the kind of sight you'd tell your grand kids about if they were psychiatrists.

26:6 Serious face firmly clamped on, God began to explain the details of the curtains he wanted. He was very specific, to the point of half-quarks and minus-matter measurements.

26:7 "These curtains, I shall measure them in cubits, millicubits and pintocubits. You shall create these curtains to my exact specification, or I shall feed you to... well, myself!"

26:8 Thus the curtain plans were laid, Moses going to a factory outlet to buy the material he needed. God had specified material made from goats hair. The goat had to have suffered a week of pain and had to have been killed by a man in drag waving a tray of molten glass. And it had to be an accident.

26:9 "Also!" God continued, "The goat death has to be investigated by Columbo, who finds the true killer, the somewhat deformed and slightly desiring domination of most of the world, Mr Maybe."

26:10 God could feel that was going to be a good Tabernacle, unlike that one he'd made in another dimension, composed entirely of washing machines.

26:11 When Moses returned with the correct material, God sent him out to find the brass loops to hang the curtains on.

26:12 The brass was to be forged from the hollowed eye sockets of a man who, in his prime, had been able to pick up a cow with one hand and punch it in the udders with his other.

26:13 God tired of torturing his creation, so he relaxed in a deckchair, drinking chilled fruit juice from a sheep skull.

26:14 An Israelite walked by and God casually mentioned that he preferred badger skin over ram skin. The Israelite walked away, slowly.

26:15 God tired of not torturing his creation, so he went back to the construction of the Tabernacle.

26:16 He set a task before the Israelites. "I want a toilet that can be shitted upin, standing up, four cubits away. And I want it now."

26:17 While the finest minds in the inbred, God-fearing society of the children of Israel pondered that task, God lay other plans for The Tabernacle. "I want a mermaid on the front."

26:18 Moses returned with some brass rings, which the curtains were hung on. God was pleased. Then he set fire to the curtains and smiled at Moses, who wasn't stupid enough to show any emotion.

26:19 "Does that piss you off, Moses? After all that work, the fact I just destroyed it, does it irk you at all?" Moses remained impassive, so God moved inches from his face. "Do you hate me, Moses?"

26:20 In the half constructed Tabernacle, Moses said, "No." God grinned and put his nose in Moses' ear. "Do you like this, Moses?"

26:21 Moses took a deep breath and said, "... Yes."

26:22 God withdrew his nose and looked at Moses. Then he twirled away to supervise the production of his mighty toilet, one which can be operated remotely.

26:23 God said to the engineers, "I want it to flush automatically, I want it to clean automatically and I want it to be fireproof."

26:24 "Fireproof?" the engineers said. God cackled and set fire to all their plans, their prototypes and custom built parts.

26:25 "Y-you cock!" everyone did cry, much to God's amusement. Then he killed them all by teleporting them underneath a dying elephant.

26:26 God went back to Moses and said, "Did that piss you off? Did it?" Moses said nothing, merely gazing out of what would become a window. Outside, he saw a man putting a pitchfork through a dog. Moses turned back to God and said, "No."

26:27 God was getting really pissed off at Moses now, so he went to see how his mermaid was doing. As he walked, he saw The Tabernacle rising quickly to completion. This was because he was walking in slow motion.

26:28 God told someone that rats should live in The Tabernacle, so he should plant some ratseeds, which yield rateggs.

26:29 "Then," God giggled with glee, "I may have rat friends! Thousands upon thousands of rat friends! Rats will never let me down! Rats! Yes!"

26:30 Moses wandered over to God, who was still giggling and asked, "What is the point of all this?" He spread his arms. "What's the point of this Tabernacle?"

26:31 God pondered this question and replied, "Well, it's a very short book, is Exodus, so we need something to beef it up. That and I need somewhere to put... this!"

26:32 God produced a small ball of matter. "It's grams away from critical mass," he explained, "and I need somewhere to put it."

26:33 God then explained that it would sit behind curtains, on pillars of gold, above a floor of crabs and under a roof of sentient gums lacking teeth.

26:34 "Yes, verily," said God, for no apparent reason. Then he paused and added. "Also, it will look nice next to my Ark Of The Covenant."

26:35 Moses pointed a finger at God. "What is the point of that Ark, then?" God shrugged and replied, "I dunno, just to piss you off by keeping all your belongings in it, I guess."

26:36 God waved a hand airily, "Stop asking so many questions, I need to relax in my Tabernacle. Speaking of relaxing, make a sauna room."

26:37 "Also," God said, "speaking of relaxing, make a torture room." Moses sighed and went to look for his razor in the Ark Of The Covenant.

27:1 Some hours later, God returned to earth. He’d been watching New Yankee Workshop.

27:2 “Right Guys!” said God, who now looked like Freddie Mercury. Moses slapped his forehead.

27:3 “I’ve had a fucking vision!” said God. “It gets worse” muttered Moses. “Now… We’re gonna build an ALTAR!”

27:4 Someone could be heard to shout “Whoop de fucking doo!”. Everyone turned and looked at Moses, who turned and looked at… oh, there was nobody behind him.

27:5 “Here’s the plans. I’m off for a wan… k” he said, not thinking fast enough.

27:6 Moses sighed and spread the plans out on his slave of leaning. He was forced to have a slave of leaning because his table had been chopped up to make the Ark.

27:7 Moses delegated jobs to the groups. “Ok, you guys do the legs. You do the surface. You do the sides. You do the… flame… pit” Moses became concerned. More so than usual.

27:8 Flame pit. Ash grating. Ash pan. Fireproof walls. Heat outlet. This was all looking horribly… horrible.

27:9 Moses knocked on God’s office door. It had black letters etched onto the glass “God. El Presidente. The Leader of the Pack. Yeahhhh.”

27:10 Moses was still looking at his door labelling when God smashed his head through the frosted window.

27:11 “Yes?” he said, with a face suddenly full of glass. “Errr…” said Moses. For many many minutes.

27:12 “It’s about this altar” he said eventually. “What’s it for exactly?”

27:13 God coughed in a manner which sounded awfully like “Burning sacrifices”

27:14 Moses knew better than to ask twice. “Erm, are you sure this is… well, ethical?” Moses realised what he had said. God raised his eyebrows. Moses nodded and walked out.

27:15 He was greeted by the Israelites. “Hey” they said, collectively, “So, what’s the altar for?”

27:16 “None of your fucking business” said Moses.

27:17 The Israelites turned to each other with a knowing look. “Ohhh, burning sacrifices!” they said.

27:18 So, construction of the altar continued, despite God’s awful blueprints. Only he could sign it off as “My Altar. By God, aged 4,302,538 and a half”

27:19 Everything got rather boring. Tallywhaps was played. Several more workers died.

27:20 On the death certificates, it simply said “Killed in the service of his team”. Casually missing out “Hideously stung to death by scorpions”

27:21 God checked his watch. It was time for another chapter. And dinner. He was having crab in custard Sauce. It was gonna fucking rule.

28:1 God decided it was time to dress Aaron up.

28:2 Aaron wasn't so hot on the idea but God pointed out that Aaron wasn't so hot in a potato sack with plastic bags for shoes.

28:3 Aaron retorted that plastic bags were very classy, on account of plastic having yet to be invented.

28:4 God, who had invented a solar system just so he could play pool was unimpressed. He shoved Aaron into the clothing shoppe.

28:5 There, fine artisans of questionable sexuality and sex measured Aaron up and fitted him with fine clothes, armour and weapons.

28:6 Crossbows of blue and green, several neckties of octarine and a large hat with little birds printed on, which contained grenades.

28:7 Aaron was then fitted with a large flak jacket, which covered his entire body, including his grenade hat. This was to protect other people incase he exploded.

28:8 This was fairly likely, much to Aaron's dawning terror.

28:9 Aaron was beginning to feel uneasy and voiced it thus, "Beginning to feel uneasy I am."

28:10 "Can it, Yoda," said God, "I built a toilet into that metal arse receptacle, I'll have you know."

28:11 That was not what Aaron meant, but he was thankful for the distraction.

28:12 Shortly after being thankful, he was somewhat less thankful. I don't think I have to spell it out for you.

28:13 Aaron was given a chain with 'WWGD' written on it.

28:14 "What does this mean?" asked Aaron, to which God replied, "It means you kill people."

28:15 God turned to face Aaron and added darkly, "Lots of people."

28:16 Aaron was then fitted with an overcoat, covered in pollen.

28:17 Upon his head was placed a small wooden box.

28:18 Round his ankles were tied rats. Living rats.

28:19 "At last!" cried God, "My greatest invention!"

28:20 Aaron looked around. "You mean... mankind?" "No." said God, "I mean this coat. Mankind is shit."

28:21 "But not womankind," tittered God to himself, drumming his fingertips together and muttering.

28:22 "What was that?" asked Aaron. "It was your death I was plotting," replied God. Aaron nodded. This was normal, Godly behavior.

28:23 God wrapped silk of pure gold around Aaron, around his beehive, bee attraction device and snake attraction device.

28:24 "My two favourite things," God said, "are bees and snakes. And you're going to be killed by them all."

28:25 "Will you bring me back to life, after?" asked Aaron, unable to move in his new clothes.

28:26 "Of course!" said God. Aaron breathed out. "Only so I can make you suffer even more."

28:27 Aaron reasoned that he should be thankful he wasn't going to Hell. God then casually remarked that "Combined bee snake attacks are probably worse than going to Hell!"

28:28 God cast a stern eye over Aaron. Then, he went outside, picked a daisy, returned, pulled Aaron's eyelid gently and slid the daisy, stalk side, underneath his eyelid.

28:29 He forced it up and behind his eyeball to hold it in place and let go of Aaron's eyelid. "This is possibly the most horrible thing I have ever done," God remarked. "I'm going to do it again."

28:30 Thusly, God did fetcheth a poppy and forced it behind Aaron's other eye.

28:31 Then he placed a cardboard sign over him which read, "I HATE NIGGERS." Aaron didn't get it, as he'd never like Bruce Willis.

28:32 The flowers dangling from Aaron's eyes, he said, "This is quite painful and not a little degrading. Did I mention painful?"

28:33 God liked Aaron's attitude, and thus summoned the most poisonous of snakes and the largest and most acid drenched of bees.

28:35 Before Aaron was horribly killed for Gods amusement, God placed a small sign on Aaron, saying, "Behold The Mercy Of The Lord God."

28:36 This was so God could find him when all his body had been eaten and destroyed by bees and snakes.

28:37 A bee landed on the daisy wedged into Aaron's eye, walked around for a moment then promptly crawled under his eyelid.

28:38 Aaron coughed politely and said, "Could we please hurry up and bring on the true pain, this is getting creepy."

28:39 God decided to indulge Aaron, and let forth the bees and snakes, who consumed him so quickly, they actually ate his body as it was previously in time, which is pretty horrible and not something you want to see after you've had your tea.

28:40 Aaron was ended, there was no more of him. God raised him back to life and said, "Fun?"

28:41 Aaron breathed in the air around him and said, "This is like runner's high. I feel so... good... to be alive!"

28:42 God thrust a fist right up Aaron's penis. "Not on my watch."

28:43 Aaron keeled over, knocking his brand new grenade hat off. "Now look what you've done!" screamed God, tears in his eyes. He ran off, leaving Aaron thoroughly ashamed. And bleeding.

29:1 God sobbed for a while, but then Will & Grace came on, so he was pleased.

29:2 He’d seen every single episode except one. And this one. Was a big one.

29:3 God watched, his eyes got wider. Until eventually, in a thunderous roar, he cried “WILL IS GAY!!?!?!”

29:4 It was time for some blood sacrifice. God leaned out of the window “Oi, Moses! Fire up the new altar!” he yelled.

29:5 He didn’t have to yell, as the voice of God could reach levels only tolerable by things without ears, or any sense of vibration.

29:6 Moses, blood pouring from his ears, tipped some oil on the altar pan and lit it with his phallic zippo lighter.

29:7 God got changed and came downstairs. He was wearing his killing hat.

29:8 He instructed Moses to go forth unto the flock and bring him two of the finest, juiciest, tastiest, healthiest, bright-eyed… Israelites he could fine.

29:9 The Israelites were instantly afraid and covered their bright eyes but it was to no avail. Moses had his Eye Brightness System (EBS) goggles on.

29:10 The EBS goggles picked up heat traces from the microscopic animals which fly out of your eyes when you look at something, slash small pieces off it and reform a smaller version of it inside your eye. So you have a vague idea of what’s going on.

29:11 The more of these animals there are, The brighter your eyes and the better you can see.

29:12 The most bright eyed Israelite was called Tony. He had so many little creatures in his eyeballs, that when he looked at something, it eroded at a rate of about 3 inches an hour.

29:13 They used him for sculpture and small scale mining usually. Or exceptionally slow assassinations.

29:14 Which were actually very good. Tony crept into your room while you slept and simply watched you sleep for an hour or two.

29:15 The next thing you know, your wife rolls over in bed the next morning and finds you there with an enormous hole in your face. And another one in her tits. Filthy bastard.

29:16 So all in all, Tony probably deserved to die. Which was good. Because he was about to.

29:17 As well as Tony, there was Robosarah, who wasn’t actually a robot but preferred it if people thought of her that way because she wasn’t very good in social situations.

29:18 For example, if Robosarah was at your party and one of your guests took you aside and said “I say old bean, I don’t mean to speak out of turn but… Robosarah, she seems awfully… uncomfortable”

29:19 And you asked “How do you mean?”. To which the reply was “Well, I asked her what she did, she went bright red, shuffled her feet, wrung her hands, then screamed wildly and shot lasers into my wife’s face!”

29:20 Then you’d probably have a bit of a predicament on your hands. I mean, you’d have to find Robosarah, find the pieces of Mr Guest’s wife, compensate him with a new wife from your personal stash. Messy.

29:21 But it simply became easier to slap him on the back and say “Think nothing of it, Mate, She’s a Robot you see!”. To which Mr Guest would genuinely understand and apologise for the inconvenience his wife has caused to your carpet.

29:22 So anyway, these two were to be sacrificed for the greater good. Which is a debatable title for God.

29:23 Tony and Robosarah stood before God, who was reciting “eeny meeny miny mo”

29:24 As it turned out, it was Tony’s turn to go first. God called for his sword. And his axe. And his blowtorch.

29:25 Three men in biological hazard suits came forth, holding God’s sword. It was forged from pure wrath and as such, light didn’t go near it.

29:26 God drew it from it’s sheath (which was vulcanised rubber, painted pink) and suddenly the area around his hand was plunged into darkness.

29:27 Tony looked at God’s sword and slowly began to go blind, as did everybody else.

29:28 “Any last requests Tony?” asked God. “Well, I’d quite like to make love to my chil… wife, one last time!” replied Tony.

29:29 “Leave it with me” said God, slicing Tony in half.

29:30 You know how there’s a limit to how many times you can fold A4 paper? God tried this with “How many times you can cleave a man in two”.

29:31 As it turns out, 546,302 times, before it got sub-particle and God accidentally split an atom, which caused a small nuclear explosion.

29:32 Which was alright, because Tony was going on the fire anyway. And this is exactly what he did. God poured him in like a chicken biriani.

29:33 Robosarah was sobbing quietly to herself. God took pity on her.

29:34 He agreed not to kill her and let her return to her home. He even gave her a hug to make her feel better.

29:35 I’m kidding of course.

29:36 Tired of the Wrath sword, God produced an Irk dagger and poked Robosarah vigorously until her skin entirely exploded.

29:37 It all got pretty messy. The cleaners were not happy. God blamed the Mexicans. Again.

29:38 With Robosarah’s skinless corpse roasting on the altar, (Well, not so much roasting as “being on fire”) God tapped off a cup of hot blood from the runoff tray and returned to watching TV

29:39 But not Will. That Fag.

29:40 Moses sat on a rock and tried to be entirely passive about what he’d just seen. He’d become quite good at it now.

29:41 He often pondered when he’d be allowed to just DIE like everyone else. He’d been through far too much shit for one lifetime.

29:42 God came down from watching Goodfellas and sat next to Moses, on a tactfully placed antelope.

29:43 “I hear you just asked the epic question huh?” he said, nudging Moses. “Yes” said Moses, then grabbed God by the lapels “PLEASE LET ME DIE!”

29:44 God gently pushed Moses back down, then began walking back up to heaven.

29:45 He got halfway up the stairs, turned to Moses and shouted “Deuteronomy!”. Moses blinked. “Thirty four, Five!” he continued, before wandering into the clouds.

29:46 Moses pondered this. Deuteronomy 34:5. That was… THREE FUCKING BOOKS AWAY!

30:1 God looked upon his altar. It was constructed of brick and a metal grille and looked suspiciously like a barbecue.

30:2 "Moseth, I mean Moses, is this a barbecue I see before me?"

30:3 Before Moses could answer, God placed two mighty golden horns on the top.

30:4 "Why did you do that?" asked Moses, to which God replied, "Do what? I don't remember anything. Hey, cool horns!"

30:5 God looked upon the altar once more. He looked upon the victims of its mighty flame and his stomach rumbled.

30:6 Thus, being merciful, God spaketh, "I shall eat these victims of sacrifice and grant them everlasting damnation!"

30:7 Moses wept. Then verily, he plucked the bird of dirt out his eye and said unto God, "Why, O Lord, O God, O--" "Get on with it." "-- why will they be damned?"

30:8 God stood on a table, knocking over some incense and staining the carpet. He declared, "For the commiting of suicide!"

30:9 Moses was aghast, agape and a little surprised. "But Lord, it was you who ordered their deaths and I who carried them out! Well, me and the executioners."

30:10 And God, becoming overcome with spilled incense explained, "They did not put up enough of a fight. If they'd screamed and tried to run, it wouldn't be suicide."

30:11 Moses turned and drew his hand across his forehead. "Oh, what horrors the Lord bestows upon us," he said dramatically.

30:12 God bestowed a shit upon Moses and told him to stop being so dramatic, it was only two people and they were both going to die from a heroin overdose anyway.

30:13 Moses said, "You can... see the future?" God said nothing, smiled and tapped a hypodermic needle with his fingernail.

30:14 God then made a completely inspired decision. "Every day is my birthday!" he declared, "Repeat presents will be punishable by something worse than death!"

30:15 Moses presumed this meant you had to stay alive and in almost constant company of God for three entire books of the bible.

30:16 God then did place beanbags in The Tabernacle and lo, it did look like it was furnished by a dotcom company in 1999.

30:17 God placed a table from Ikea in the corner and upon it rested the bones of a man Moses had once called 'Father'.

30:18 God then spake unto Moses, "I want some brass baths. Perhaps some fonts, too... and taps!"

30:19 Moses asked if they should get a plumber in, but God said "Nay, I shall plumb it myself, straight into the bloodpipes."

30:20 God then cackled, laughed, guffawed and finally punched Moses in the stomach, just because he hadn't experienced severe physical pain in almost a few hours.

30:21 And God did plumb the baths and fonts and blood did flow from the pipes into the baths. God then installed an overflow pipe, neatly avoiding a 10 verse run up to a 'The Shining' gag.

30:22 Dorian Grey commented on Gods excellent work.

30:23 God then instructed Moses to get some spice, mostly cinnamon. "Also, forget not the spice melange, because he who controls the spice controls the galaxy."

30:24 Moses didn't like science fiction, so he wandered away, leaving God to shout, "The spice extends life, the spice expands consciousness and the spice is VITAL to space travel!"

30:25 Moses bought some oil, to light some dangerously positioned lamps. God explained that it was part of feng shui. Moses questioned whether feng shui took into account the positions of gaping jaws of babies underneath burning oil lamps.

30:26 God said it did and Moses wasn't going to argue. God injected a tooth into his cock anyway.

30:28 God cast an eye upon the burnt offerings, which he had eaten. "Please," said Moses, "stop staring inside yourself like that..."

30:29 God declared The Tabernacle font to be somewhat holy, which enabled the creation of holy water, which was effective against undead enemies and chaotic enemies.

30:30 God mentioned consecration, which Moses thought was something caterpillars did to turn into butterflies.

30:31 God declared the Israelites to be a holy people. The Israelites declared themselves forever oppressed by a maniac with a superiority complex.

30:32 God outlawed cannibalism, shredding the Israelite economy.

30:33 God then said that whoever disobeys his law shall be fed to the cannibals in the cannibal prison. The guards were robots and would have no mercy.

30:34 Or, indeed, reproductive organs.

30:36 The cannibal prison, God suddenly decided, having been distracted by, well, cannibals, shall be built UNDER The Tabernacle.

30:37 God outlawed perfume because it invariably smelled like shit and made the wearer carry an invisible sign saying "I AM A PROSTITUTE."

30:38 God then cast out all the prostitutes because they were immoral and frankly, quite ugly.

Next page: Exodus 31 - 40
The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2240