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The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40

The Book of Exodus (v. 31 - 40)

31:1 Soon, he wished he hadn’t. And created one from the shite of a dog. Filthy bitch.

31:2 He fucked her. Fucked her good. Made her scream. Until she actually was screaming. God was wearing his Condom-o-thorns.

31:3 Anyway, God wiped up blood and picked up the limbs, then went to meet Moses. He was 5 minutes late already.

31:4 Moses poured his fourth cup of coffee and glanced out of the window, as God’s Aston Martin rolled into the carpark.

31:5 Then promptly rolled out again, as he had forgotten to put the handbrake on.

31:6 God sauntered through the doors, oblivious to the fiery mess his car had caused on the motorway.

31:7 Moses hated meeting him in Little Chef, but God said it was the only place he felt entirely secure. The cylindrical salt and pepper shakers looked at Moses. Who looked right back.

31:8 “Yes?” he said, leaning forwards. “Erm… Nothing. Sorry” they replied, sliding behind the vinegar.

31:9 Moses paused where he was for a moment, then his eyes moved to God, who had ordered and was devouring a barbecue beef muffin.

31:10 Which cost fourteen pounds.

31:11 Moses drained his coffee cup and hurled it at the waitress, who caught it rather awkwardly in the side of her head.

31:12 God finished his muffin but wasn’t much of a coffee man. So he reached out of the window, unclipped the guttering and drank the stagnating water.

31:13 God had created it. God had made it rain. Why the fuck shouldn’t God drink it?

31:14 God wiped his mouth on his sleeve, pulled a length of seaweed from his beard and placed his elbows on the table in a stereotypical café scene style.

31:15 It was Moses who broke the silence. “So” he muttered, “Why are we here?”

31:16 God cleared his throat, but instead of speaking, reached under the table and produced a briefcase. He placed it on the table, facing Moses.

31:17 He entered the 6 digit code and opened the lid. There was a note inside.

31:18 It read “Nothing happens in this chapter. –God”. God laughed. Moses cried.

32:1 Moses didn't come out of Little Chef for a very long time. He was explaining to God about a Pulp Fiction joke he missed.

32:2 Everyone went to see Aaron, who was widely regarded as Moses' second in command, a rumour he tried not to cultivate, especially when God was around.

32:3 Aaron requested that everyone give him all their gold earrings, medallions and sovereign rings. The chavs were not pleased.

32:4 Aaron said, "I shall fashion these into a tool with which we shall seek out Moses!" Aaron then carefully turned his back, stuck all the jewellery in a bag and pulled a small pick out of his pocket. "Behold!"

32:5 And they beheld what Aaron instructed them to behold. It was, essentially, a very small pickaxe, which Aaron held high in the air uncertainly.

32:6 He was uncertain because now he'd stolen all their jewellery, he didn't know what to do. His usual plan was to produce the pickaxe, kill the person who had given him the gold and then legged it.

32:7 There were at least a hundred eyes looking at him and he couldn't stab them all. The eyes, that is. He stabbed people in the eyes.

32:8 So he found a rock and began carving an altar. "First I've heard 'bout an altar," said God, beside Aaron's ear. "Don't worry, nobody can see me."

32:9 Aaron turned and saw nobody. God said, "I DID SAY NOBODY, YOU PRICK!"

32:10 Aaron hit the rock to make an altar when God did make Moses appear right beneath his pickaxe. Aaron drove the pick into Moses calf. "Oh thanks for telep- SHITTING COCK!"

32:11 Moses, bleeding profusely from his leg turned to God and said, "Why, God, why? Why did you save us from Egypt? Just let us die, it's all we want..."

32:12 Aaron spoke up, "Come to mention it, what did the Egyptians really do? They gave us jobs, food and water and they didn't give in to your demands which, you might recall, were pretty extreme."

32:13 Moses took up the baton, "Yes, it was! Couldn't you have gone through a nicer process, like holding a plebiscite? You fucking crazy extremist terrorist bastard!"

32:14 Moses stopped talking and God cast a wrathful eye upon him. "Moses," he said quietly, "you said that, and know you're going to be alive for three more books?"

32:15 Moses whimpered. "Nevermind that, my lad," God suddenly cried, "We have bigger tablets to scribe, come with me!" God dragged Moses up Sinai, stopping off for a sandwich half way.

32:16 At the top, God thrust two great stone tablets into Moses hand. "Take these down the mountain, they contain my words of wisdom."

32:17 Moses asked, "Are these THE stone tablets? The famous ones?" God nodded, beaming and patted Moses gently on his behind as he left.

32:18 The best Moses could ask for was sexual harassment. The worst was an amount of C4 explosive, covered in ants.

32:19 Moses got down the mountain and suddenly his stab wound reopened and he fell over and broke the tablet, then smashed his skull open on the tablets and died. God appeared, pushed his brains back in and said, "Not yet, my child. Not yet..."

32:20 Moses got back down to Aaron and said, "You fucking prick, why did you fucking stab me, what the hell is wrong with you?"

32:21 Moses was angry. Very angry. He was angerlicious. He was angeriffic. He needed to undergo an angeroptomy.

32:22 Aaron told Moses to chill out and passed him what Moses coldly regarded as a large amount of cocaine in a plastic bag.

32:23 Aaron then proceeded to try and rub his forehead down with a feather duster, while moaning something about Billie Piper.

32:24 Moses shook Aaron a bit so he said, "I took all their gold and make a pickaxe to make an altar and God teleported you and whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

32:25 Moses sighed, walked outside and saw the Israelites were naked. Moses stormed back into Aaron's tent.

32:26 "Sheemed like a good idea atta time," slurred Aaron, his brain turning into bran.

32:27 Moses went outside, said they were all sinners (even though he had broken the fucking stone tablets!) and said people should join him.

32:28 The children of Levi obeyed, bringing with them a large collection of Rocks With Interesting Bits In.

32:29 Moses said something about consecration and the children of Levi did whisper amongst themselves that wasn't it something to do with caterpillars turning into butterflies?

32:30 Moses said to everyone else who had not joined him, "I'm going to see God. And when I say see, I mean I'm going to look at him and not court him for sexual relations."

32:31 So Moses went and saw God and said, "Oh Lord, they have sinned and made idols of gold! Gold! Such sinnery!"

32:32 Moses then, for some reason best known to his father, said, "Please, Lord, forgive them their sins or blot me forever from this bible of yours."

32:33 God turned away from Moses and spoke softly, the wind blowing his hair around his face. "Moses, if there be sinners... I shall blot them out of this bible, but not you."

32:34 "Now go," said God, very quietly, tears in his eyes. Moses looked upon God with concern and left. When he was sure Moses was gone, he laughed. "Ha ha ha ha hahahaha!"

32:35 Then God poxed the people with ants because they'd all essentially been a small part of Aaron stabbing Moses. The ants caught fire and the plague was a great one.

33:1 When God had calmed down, thrown the broken stone tablets away and stuck a post-it note to make new ones on the tabernacle, he brought great news to the Israelites. But, as always, there was a catch.

33:2 “Right peeps, listen up!” he said, through his loudspeaker. “We will shortly be concluding our journey to the land of milk and honey” Everybody cheered.

33:3 Everybody remembered this was God. The cheering stopped.

33:4 “But listen. I cannot go with you!” Everybody cheered. “And the path will be dangerous as FUCK!” The cheering stopped.

33:5 Someone in the crowd shouted “Why?”. God explained that there were 6 headed dragons and these strange things that digested you without you noticing. The man clarified “No. Why can’t you go with us?”

33:6 God explained further that he must prepare the land of milk and honey. Moses raised an eyebrow. His left one. “Prepare?” he whispered.

33:7 “Alright. I’ve got to dispose of the current occupants!” God whispered back. “Dispose of?” replied Moses.

33:8 God lost his temper but retained composure. “Ok! Kill them with a large scythe then bury them in their own juices! ALRIGHT!?”

33:9 “Better” was all Moses said. The people of Israel understood. This was God they were dealing with.

33:10 God continued “I shall announce my presence within the camp by manifesting myself as a pillar of children”

33:11 “At night, to guide you, this will be a flaming pillar of children”

33:12 The people looked not a little concerned. God’s loudspeaker emitted a small amount of uncomfortable feedback.

33:13 “That is all. Prepare for your journey.” The people began to disperse. God jogged back. “By the way, if you’ve got a rifle, I’d advise you take it.”

33:14 The people looked more worried. Except those that served in Nam.

33:15 God trudged back purposefully towards Sinai. Moses ran alongside him. Bitching mainly.

33:16 “Oh come on!” he protested. “I know you torture and hassle them for fun! But leaving them to tread a journey they will all die on is lunacy!”

33:17 God looked straight ahead while he spoke. “Lunacy? Or Brilliance?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

33:18 “Lunacy.” Said Moses, doing whatever the opposite to raising your eyebrows is.

33:19 Frowning. I presume.

33:20 Moses continued having stern words with the Lord until they got to the Tabernacle. Then God lost patience with the little shit.

33:21 “Moses!” he said, seriously, “A word in my office please!”. Moses thought he was about to get the sack.

33:22 “Right. Serious sort out time!” said God. “I’m gonna be off killing ethnic minorities and you need to run this show while I’m gone!”

33:23 “Fucking ace” said Moses, wearily. “What did you have in mind?”

34:1 "Firsteth," said God, making up words, "I want thee to hew some tablets from stone to replace those fucking tablets I fucking made which you FUCKING BROKE DIDN'T YOU MOSES, DIDN'T YOU?"

34:2 "They shall be ready by half past two, Tuesday afternoon." Moses looked at the clock. It was three o'clock, Tuesday afternoon. "Better work fast, Moses!" cackled God.

34:3 "And nobody shall be permitted to trespass upon Sinai, for I shall be participating in Golf: The Massacre, a game I do so enjoy."

34:4 God pondered the subtitle of his game. "On second thoughts, encourage some people to go unto Sinai."

34:5 So, the next day game and post G:TM, Moses went up Sinai to give God the tablets. God descended from a cloud, which was highly embarrassing because it was the Toilet Cloud.

34:6 Feel free to make your own jokes about The Cistern Chapel.

34:7 God seemed pleased, because Moses had just seen his massive, earth shattering penis. I guess that's where Abraham got it from. He was a nudist, you know.

34:8 And Moses made haste and bowed quickly, banging his head on an antelope and rolling down the mountain, suffering several fatal injuries, each time God poking his heart back into operation.

34:9 And at the bottom Moses did say, "Ta."

34:10 And God said, "Behold, a covenant!" And Moses was afraid because he'd played Halo before.

34:11 Moses looked around for the covenant and God chided him for his ignorance. "I was making a speech and you just totally ignored it!"

34:12 Moses ignored him further, because he was writing a post on an internet forum about how game play was not enhanced by having only two weapon slots, because you were forced to choose the best guns and miss out a lot of fun.

34:13 Master_Chief_88_666_x replied with, "fuck you prick halo is way cooler its a thinking mans shoot em up it's fucking cool fuck off you prick"

34:14 God pulled out Moses ethernet cable and said, "My name is Jealous! Well... it's not really, but pay attention to me, I'm speaking."

34:15 Moses began to think God had a superiority complex and, let's face it, there is a massive book written all about him and his 'amazing creations/murders'.

34:17 God suddenly blurted out, "Do not worship lava!"

34:18 Moses made a note of it on his Dell laptop, which quickly caught fire, exploded and fell apart, all at the same time.

34:19 And so God smote Dell. He smote their manipulative advertising and poor quality RAM.

34:20 Then he smote a donkey, because he missed, but didn't go back in time and stop himself because it was funny.

34:21 That donkey would have saved someones life in the New Testament. Someone important.

34:22 God then decided, in a fit of pure genius, to repeat himself again. "The seventh day is the day of rest!" God cried with almost maniacal zeal.

34:23 Moses groaned, rolled his eyes, sighed and despaired. Then he had to have a sit down because he did all those things at once.

34:24 God then decided to make all the kings of all the countries change their borders.

34:25 when asked why, God said it was to rejuvenate the ailing map industry.

34:26 Moses commented on how nice this was, until God pointed out that all the maps in the world were produced by Vlad The Inhaler, an asthmatic vampire who liked pretty pictures.

34:27 And the Lord said unto Moses, "Now, enough dilly-do-dar-dallying, I want you to write upon those tablets." Moses, produced a felt tip and began, but God stopped him.

34:28 He handed Moses a toothpick, made of icecream. Moses did not eat for forty days and, surprisingly, forty nights, carving those stone tablets.

34:29 And lo, Moses did walk down Sinai with the tablets, his face black with some sort of skin disease.

34:30 Aaron saw his face and cowered, because he'd been afraid of wrongdoing God and now Moses had some kind of burnt face and he was on God's side!

34:31 And Moses called unto them, "I don't have a burnt face, it's actually some kind of skin condition!"

34:32 All the wrongdoers were so, so sorry and offered to suck Moses off in exchange for a good word with God. Moses said he'd put in a good word if they DIDN'T suck him off, which was fair enough.

34:33 When Moses was done chatting, with his curiously blacker still face, he put a veil over his face. Why? To stop himself looking... ridiculous? There was no logic in Moses' action.

34:34 But there was logic! Oh yes, the logic hid in cheap theatre tricks. Moses nudged God and then pulled off the veil to REVEAL... (!) ...

34:35 ... A sort of green, slimy skin. Moses put the veil back on and had A Talk with God, who was giggling uncontrollably.

35:1 Moses’ skin complaint cleared up thanks to God’s wire brush and bottle of Listerine.

35:2 Moses wandered back to the Israelites and told them what God had asked him to. All about the commandments. Again.

35:3 He also said something about not kindling fires on the Sabbath day. Which most people took to be “Don’t commit arson on a Sunday”

35:4 Then ensued a very tedious, EXTREMELY repetitive description of some offering the Israelites were supposed to make to God. Again.

35:5 “Uh. Mr Moses… Sir?” piped up one of the hairiest Israelites. Moses ran his pen down his list. “Ah yes. 5526, Harrison. What is it?”

35:6 “Haven’t we already been through this sir?” asked Harrison, tentatively. “I mean, with the entire 4 thousand verse description of the offering that is to be made?”

35:7 “How long have you been in the Bible, son?” asked Moses.

35:8 “About 26 years, Sir” replied Harrison, sensing he was about to learn something. Thankfully God was out to lunch, so it was unlikely to be a lesson in whoopass.

35:9 “Well, Harrison, It’s necessary to fill up space in religious texts such as the Bible by rambling on and on about the same shit you rambled on about for the last chapter. And the chapter before that” Moses said, scratching his eye.

35:10 “It’s sort of a test of faith. To see if you give up and stop reading” Moses continued. Harrison Nodded. “Fortunately, there are two awesome guys rewriting the bible as we speak. Making it better, less tedious and more awesome. With an X. Awexome.”

35:11 “I see. Thankyou sir” said Harrison, returning to his seat. “Uh. Harrison!” said a voice. Harrison’s face showed a grievous pain. He knew that voice.

35:12 He turned around and affirmed his worst fears. It was God. He had a hand behind his back. This could only spell trouble.

35:13 In fact, it spelt “Cock” as God produced an automatic rifle and wrote it in bullet holes in Harrison’s chest.

35:14 “Any more non-believers?” said God. “No. We know you exist” said someone at the back.

35:15 God put his rifle across his shoulder and strolled off, whistling the theme to Rawhide.

35:16 Moses took off his glasses and wiped his eyes in the way a stressed office worker might, except Moses was wiping away blood.

35:17 His eyes had become prone to bursting into blood/flames at most of the horrors he had seen. He’d become used to it, being around God.

35:18 While the original Bible was rambling, The Queen James Bible got more awesome as Moses continued his speech from a hovering platform high above the desert. 35:19 He got through all the rambly repetitive crap in 2.3 seconds by speaking faster than the speed of sound.

35:20 It sounds like this.

35:21

35:22 Obviously preluded by a sonic boom and the sound of several thousand Israelites ducking for cover. God often had target practice at this time of the day.

35:23 So anyway, Moses finished his speech and fucked off somewhere. The Israelites got busy finding things to offer to God.

35:24 What do you give a God who has everything?

35:25 As it turns out, weaponry, human sacrifice, blood sports and chocolate went down well. God did enjoy Toblerone.

35:26 He also enjoyed sexual practices involving several donkeys and one woman. But few seemed willing to get that. Woolworths vouchers were much easier.

35:27 Soon, there was a vast pile of… shit. That people had brought. Whatever possessions they had managed to obtain since the last donation infact.

35:28 God had plans for this lot however, he was bringing in a fine worker of metal and wood. His name was Bezaleel.

35:29 Son of Uri. Who bent spoons for a living. So metalwork was in his blood.

35:30 Literally so in fact, as he had built himself a new endoskeleton.

35:31 Moses explained to the Israelites that God was bringing someone in. Just then, Bezaleel landed. God had thrown him over Sinai. Very accurately, as it turns out.

35:32 Bezaleel stood and shook Moses’ hand. “My partner should be here soon” he said. Moses nodded. A lot of craftsmen worked in pairs… right?

35:33 Just then, Aholiab landed. He arose, furiously kissed Bezaleel then offered Moses his hand.

35:34 “I don’t know where that’s been. Bender” said Moses, in a typically biblical homophobic fashion and walked away.

35:35 “Ok…” said Aholiab. Bezaleel turned to the Israelites “Righty tighty Folkies! We’re here to teach you to work metal and wood! Everybody grab a partnerrrr!”

36:1 "All together now!" Bezaleel and Aholiab cried, clapping their hands, "Let's... start those incredibly hot furnaces and RAISE THE TEMPERATURE!" Bezaleel turned to say Aholiab and said, "I'll raise YOUR temperature!" Aholiab giggled.

36:2 Moses stepped onto the plain, his stirrups rattling, kicking up dust. He raised his eyes slowly and regarded Bezaleel and Aholiab coldly.

36:3 He said, "I am... Revolver Ocelot... I mean Moses! And I bring you all the stuff that the Israelites gathered to God. I presume you're going to melt it all down..."

36:4 Bezaleel spake, "Oh, thank you, thank you very much, Moses! Oh we're so happy, aren't we Aholiab?" He said, "Oh, we are, we are!" "Thank you, Moses!" "Thank you!"

36:5 Aholiab said that the generosity of the Israelites was more than God commanded. God wasn't so sure about that, twisting the edge of a shuriken between his celestial fingers.

36:6 Moses laughed nervously and declined Aholiab's kind offer to wear an apron saying, "Kiss me, I'm the chef and I also happen to like kissing. And cooking. Which is good, because I'm the chef!"

36:7 Moses was, however, impressed they managed to fit it all on one apron. God was less impressed, his apron listed a Mersenne prime which was just over seven trillion.

36:8 The Israelites did sweat through work for the construction of The Tabernacle, pouring all their energy into making sure it wouldn't end up on a crappy redecoration programme on TV.

36:9 The curtains, for ease of production, were all one inch square. This did mean that in order to actually have an effective curtain, sub-curtains were needed to hang on the curtains.

36:10 The sub-curtains were, being subordinate to normal curtains, smaller than the curtains and were half an inch by half an inch square. This meant thousands upon thousands of sub-curtains were needed.

36:11 Moses finished linking half a million sub-curtains together. "This sure has revolutionised curtain production!" he exclaimed.

36:12 After the seven trillionth sub-curtain coupling, Moses was less enthused. God popped down and said, "Hey, that's a prime number of sub-curtains!"

36:13 God sat back and relaxing, knowing people were working and he wasn't.

36:14 A goat passed and God relaxed, knowing he wasn't a goat.

36:15 A goat passed wind and God relaxed, knowing he didn't have to smell it.

36:16 A goat passed a window and God relaxed, knowing it wasn't his window.

36:17 A goat passed wind through a window and God was pissed off, because it had done it through the window by his head.

36:18 "That's it," God said, and he picked up the goat and disappeared through time. Moses saw his chance and relaxed.

36:19 God reappeared through time and tied the goat to a stick. It bleeted helplessly. God laughed. He loved it when they cried.

36:20 A Tyrannosaurus Rex came along, picked up the goat and ate it. God loved it when they were torn to pieces by massive dinosaurs.

36:21 God then returned to the time he had previously been in, but not before stopping off in 2004 and getting a Subway.

36:22 He had The God Special, which consisted of everything in the shop, in several plastic bags or  God struck them down with his fisting fist, which had previously been used for fisting.

36:23 Just a heads up, but Moses was still linking the sub-curtains.

36:24 And Moses did speak, "Nine trillion eight hundred and fifty two billion, thirty one million, sixty five hundred thousand and fifty nine, Nine trillion eight hundred and fifty

two billion, thirty one million, sixty five hundred thousand and fifty sixty."

36:25 That wasn't how many he had done, he was just making up random numbers in some vain attempt to provide meaning to his now worthless life.

36:26 God returned, sat down and said, "You're doing a great job, Moses."

36:27 But Moses was not soothed.

36:28 God looked over his sunglasses and said, "You're doing a terrible job, Moses."

36:29 And Moses was not soothed, but he worked a lot harder.

36:30 Outside, Aaron was busy creating small patterns of flowers to put on the inside of the wallpaper, just so God could be happy knowing it was there.

36:31 Or rather, he was supposed to be. Aaron was currently ambling around, saying, "Bovingor? Bovingooor?"

36:32 This disturbed God, because Aaron should have been spending at least five years doing non-stop work after he'd stabbed Moses.

36:33 "Only I am allowed to stab Moses," God had said, "Unless I order someone else to."

36:34 Moses turned to God and said, "You sure are drawing this chapter out with a load of tosh, aren't you?"

36:35 God replied, "To be fair, it's basically just full of people making stuff for The Tabernacle."

36:36 Aaron strolled past the window and leaned inside, "Bovingor?"

36:37 God grabbed Aaron by the throat and said, "Who the fuck is Bovingor?"

36:38 Aaron choked and said, "My goat."

37:1 After a couple of days of solid work and watching Bezaleel bend over to pick up nails in front of Aholiab several times an hour, the Tabernacle was nicely decorated.

37:2 The curtains were particularly lovely. They contained so much stitching that they weighed approximately 2 tons each and made the walls of the tabernacle bow inwards.

37:3 Aholiab went to see God. “Alright chuck! We’re all done so we’re gonna get off! Got lots of shit to stab… do. Lots of shit to do”

37:4 God looked through the eyeholes in his paper. “Oh no you don’t. See that box?” he pointed to the Ark. “I want it pretty. In a frivolous homosexual/catholic way”

37:5 Aholiab argued that this was not in his contract. God put down his paper. “Neither is this” he said, inserting a fist into Aholiab.

37:6 Bezaleel was just packing up when Aholiab limped back. He pointed at the box then collapsed. Bezaleel got the point, but Aholiab was unconscious… and warm.

37:7 Moses, meanwhile, was perusing a pirate shop. He was looking at buying a sword, for general purposes. The Buccaneer Butchererer 5000 looked like a good bet. The sales brochure elaborated.

37:8 Y’arr, this be the Buccaneer Butchererer 5000, It be a mighty fine sword capable of killing the following: Giant sea shrimp, Dreadsquid, Sea-Satan, Monstrous Lobster, Undead Flatfish, Phase worm. Various other rape-and-pillage victims.

37:9 Moses pondered for a moment, decided the threat of a Dreadsquid attack was pretty low in the desert and left.

37:10 As he left, however, he was pounced upon by the (surprisingly, Dreaded) Sandy Dreadsquid. A mythical beast with 8 tentacles which swam through sand, powered by a 3 and a half inch DreadDrive™.

37:11 “What are the chances!” said Moses, who was promptly torn apart by the Dreadsquid, which then went on to feed on the pirate shop.

37:12 Moses waited 5 seconds, then re-spawned back at Camp Israel.

37:13 He soon wished he’d waited longer.

37:14 Bezaleel stopped taking advantage of his unconscious partner and got back to forging lovely things for the Ark.

37:15 Soon enough, Aholiab awoke, made sure he’d been raped and that his wallet was still there, then went to making a delightful throw in an orangey shade of peach.

37:16 The ark was decorated in such a fashion so as not to draw attention to it, but if you were looking, you’d know it was Jewish.

37:17 In other words, it was decorated in desert camouflage, with a star of David on.

37:18 Moses moseyed on over to Aaron, who was sat down, obviously deep in thought.

37:19 “Sup” Moses did say. “Just wondering if I can swallow this screw, like you would a pill”

37:20 Moses walked off. There was really no hope for humanity.

37:21 Or Religion.

37:22 God was watching over his encampment with three beady eyes. And a zoom lens.

37:23 It was when he started firing his eyes at the Israelites that things got disturbing.

37:24 It was at this point, it became apparent where the idea of concentration camps came from.

37:25 People of a certain ethnicity. Forced to give up everything they had. Enforced labour by a single governing power. God’s work!

37:26 So anyway, The Ark was decorated in lovely gaudy colours inside. Gays liked that sort of thing.

37:27 Aholiab and Bezaleel had sex in the toilets, then began to pack up their tools. And then their work tools.

37:28 Subtle.

37:29 However, their part in this saga was not over yet. For God intervened. As usual.

38:1 "As the deity I am, I command you all to cover yourself in gold leaf!" proclaimed God.

38:2 And the people did as God said.

38:3 Then God said, "Now you have wasted all that gold leaf, I want you wash it all off and paint yourselves blue."

38:4 And the people did as God said, although a little slower than they applied the gold leaf.

38:5 "Now!" said God, "I want you to dance! Dance! DANCE!" God flicked on some disco lights and cried, "DANCE, YOU PUNY MORTALS, DAAANCE!"

38:6 And lo, the people did as God said and danced. A marketing executive from Intel strolled by and said, "Hmm, that's cool, I like it!"

38:7 God suddenly stopped all the music, the lights and stared upon his creation.

38:8 The dancing slowly stopped and everyone turned to look at God, who said nothing. Silence fell over the lands.

38:9 After a few minutes of silence, someone said, "Er, wh-" then God crushed him with a mighty hammer, scraped up his now significantly wider body and held it aloft.

38:11 Everyone was once again silent and God did not move, holding up the body of the man he had just killed. Moses did not dare yawn and Aaron did not dare pull the needle out of his arm.

38:12 Westwards, someone fidgeted as a bee crawled up their nose. God turned with calculated menace and thrust the flattened body into his face, sending him reeling and falling over, the body lying on top of him.

38:13 The man underneath was either dead or just clever and he did not move. God upped the stakes of his stalemate and held a mighty stake above his head and stood still.

38:14 Nobody moved. Nobody breathed. Somebody died, but God ignored them. They were no fun dead.

38:15 Everyone was still. Aaron had managed to pull the needle out of his arm when someone was being killed, but he had done it too fast and was now bleeding.

38:16 He saw the blood dripping from his arm but could do nothing about it.

38:17 Moses saw Aaron's plight, the plight of his brother. He decided to help him out.

38:18 Moses coughed. God did nothing. Aaron reacted anyway and slapped a hand across his arm. God drove the stake down through Aaron, splitting him in four.

38:19 "Nice try, Moses," said God and pulled the stake back up, bringing Aaron back to life, rebuilding him as the stake rose.

38:20 "Aaaaargh," screamed Aaron, who had been sadly alive the entire time. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH," he said as he got both lungs back.

38:21 God stood and looked down on the Israelites. His voice boomed, "Do you know WHY this is happening to you?"

38:22 The Israelites said nothing, believing it to be a ploy of Gods.

38:23 "Oh come on," said God, "I'm serious, I wanna know, I aint gonna do anything!"

38:24 Someone at the back said, "Well, no, we don't know!" God smiled then smashed his hand down on the person, sending him crashing into another dimension.

38:25 "It is because, as usual, nothing is happening. I'm bored, you see. Normally, I'd harp on about The Tabernacle, but, well..."

38:26 God scratched one of his beards and said, "... I've lost it."

38:27 One of the Israelites, who'd crafted three million tiny sculptures of God to be buried with the foundations screamed, "YOU WHAT?!"

38:28 God beamed, picked up a giant stone pillar he'd stolen from Greece and planted it firmly on the mans head, utterly crushing him.

38:29 God laughed and said, "I've not really, that was just a joke." Nobody laughed. "Anyway, I've had my fun, you can all go."

38:30 Somebody walked away and God flicked him in the back, sending him into the exosphere. God had no interest in where he landed.

38:31 Cthulu sidled up behind God. "I think this is yours," he said, handing God a very dead, very flat Israelite. "You can keep it," said God.

39:1 “Thanks” said Cthulu, regarding the man with a significant amount of disgust. He threw him away while God wasn’t looking then popped back through the inter-dimensional tear.

39:2 A dreadsquid almost escaped, Cthulu dragged him back through though.

39:3 There is always some difficulty in translating parts of the Bible, as the fact that it is in English is taken in the loosest sense of the word.

39:4 For example, what is occurring at the moment is a mystery to me. The Israelites appear to be making or decorating something else.

39:5 Something involving breastplates and lots of shiny gems. Perhaps an ULTRA-BRA.

39:6 Or a wedding ring, shaped like a bra.

39:7 Or a bra shaped like a weddings ring.

39:8 Or a Wedding Bra…

39:9 NEW from Bride-4-U! The Comfyfit 5000 Deluxe Wedding Bra!

39:10 With dual Secu-Safe Ring Holding Technology pockets and padded foam nipple guards, You can be assured that your tits will be comfortable throughout your big day!

39:11 Also, should the lucky fellow happen to say “I DON’T!” (You ugly trout), The Comfyfit 5000 also features an intravenous cyanide dose, proven fatal in 2 minutes!

39:12 So don’t delay, order today for the special introductory price of £399.99! Or, for an extra £39.99, have the Precision Nipple Laser upgrade!

39:13 Getting pissed off at the reception? Don’t love your new husband anymore? Hate the new mother-in-law? Problems solved! Simply fire a high powered laser THROUGH THEIR FACE!

39:14 Operated by a flick of the nipple, the laser is deadly at a range of over 500 metres! Providing you with that extra security you need, should your wedding be hijacked by terrorists.

39:15 So once again, buy now for the special introductory price of £399.99! Comes in colours: White, Black, Fuschia, Lemon, Coffee, Tint, Toe, Ubrogoff, Becker, Nurd and Bloodstained.

39:16 Sizes available: Up to 14. Because nobody wants to see fat people getting married!

39:17 My mind is unravelling.

39:18 So anyway, this has solved nothing. We still don’t know what the Israelites are making.

39:19 Though there is mention of an Ephod. Again, what the fuck is one of those?

39:20 The ephod is a kind of garment mentioned in the Old Testament, which differed according to its use by the high-priest, by other persons present at religious services, or as the object of idolatrous worship. – Catholic Encyclopaedia.

39:21 So there we have it. The Israelites are making a lovely dress.

39:22 Does this come as any surprise with Aholiab and Bezaleel around? I confess that it does not.

39:23 So anyway. There was a hole in this robe. Presumably so the priest could poke things out.

39:24 Such as… Nevermind.

39:25 God hadn’t explained to the Israelites why he wanted a dress making. He just did. Alright?

39:26 Moses began to wonder whether God was the big tough deity he appeared to be. Whether under it all, he was a simple transsexual.

39:27 Moses stopped wondering this as God appeared nearby, cigar in mouth, rifle in hand. Driving a monster truck.

39:28 He pulled up alongside Moses and switched off the engine. “Evening” he said, leaping down. “Compensating for something?” joked Moses, subtly.

39:29 “Like my supernaturally small penis?” replied God, not so subtly. And altogether rather more loud than was necessary. Moses scratched the back of his neck.

39:30 Aholiab glanced at God, shook his head and carried on working.

39:31 “So… whassappenin?” said God, chewing a small beetle.

39:32 “The same thing that’s been happening for God knows how long” said Moses, not thinking.

39:33 “If God knew how long it had been happening, I wouldn’t pissing well ask, would I?” was the stark and obvious reply.

39:34 Moses picked up a passing badger, stroking it as he and God walked amongst the Israelites.

39:35 “Does it ever fill you with wonder that these people have unquestioning faith in you and will follow your wherever?” asked Moses, suddenly rather philosophical.

39:36 “No. Why?” replied God. “Because I’m fucking amazed by it” said Moses. “Considering…”

39:37 God would have killed Moses for his insolence but keeping him alive was much more fun. And possibly useful. But mostly fun.

39:38 “Oh. By the way!” said God, ferreting around in his bag. “Check out what I bought online! Only £449.99!”

39:39 God produced a Comfyfit 5000 Deluxe Wedding Bra. “What the fuck is that?” asked Moses. God explained, rather graphically.

39:40 “Ah. Does it have the extra laser attachments?” asked Moses, suddenly realising what this was. “No” said God, trying it on.

39:41 “And you paid £449.99 for it?” asked Moses. “You wuz robbed mate!” God asked where he thought he could get it cheaper, smartass.

39:42 “Well, there’s this little place I know…” said Moses, reaching behind a cactus.

39:43 He produced a large signboard. “Bride-4-U” it read, “We don’t sell Thai brides. Only Bras. Wedding Bras. Honestly. No Thai Brides here! Seriously! We shit you not!”

40:1 God sighed and sat down on a rock. "Moses, I'm tired. Tired of... all this."

40:2 Moses watched the sun setting, casting an orange glow over the desert. "I know but, we have to keep going. The Tabernacle is almost complete."

40:3 God gave a half-hearted "Yarr," and sighed again. "How long have we been here, Moses?"

40:4 Moses had been counting the very seconds he'd been in this shithole, led by a God who shouldn't even be allowed power over a box of tissues. Moses said, "A while."

40:5 God felt great sorrow in one of his thirteen hearts. He plucked it out and was no longer sad, although having twelve hearts was pretty depressing.

40:6 "We're going to do it, Moses. We're going to open The Tabernacle next month." Moses looked across at God. He was crying.

40:7 "Why do you cry, God?" Moses asked. "YOU CALLING ME A PUSSY?" screamed God suddenly. He picked Moses up, swung him around until his leg had dislocated and the skin was almost torn off. Then God stopped.

40:8 Moses writhed on the floor in pain. Great pain. Moses wondered why you would say great pain, when it's not great at all, but actually beyond description.

40:9 God healed Moses and said, "Do you think my erratic mood swings are a result of an increasingly inane plot, very little character development and a tired narrative?"

40:10 Moses didn't know what to say, so he said, "The future is uncertain."

40:11 God accepted his answer, pulled his eye out, ate it and said, "Let's do some Tabernacle preparation!"

40:12 Moses, slightly horrified, followed God.

40:13 Inside The Tabernacle was Aaron, who was asleep. "WAKE UP AARON," shouted God, "IT'S TIME TO PUT ON YOUR HOLY ROBES!" Moses asked God if he wanted the holes mending. God told him to shut up.

40:14 Aaron was robed in the ceremonial pirate hat and the ceremonial pirate jacket.

40:15 "Shouldn't I have a hooked hand?" asked Aaron. God agreed and sliced Aaron’s hand off. He screamed, "AAAARGH THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!" spraying blood everywhere.

40:16 God forced a massive metal hook into Aaron's stump, neatly stopping the bleeding. "There, wonderful!" exclaimed God, wiping blood from his eyes.

40:17 Moses bought in a mop and said, "Shouldn't he have a wooden leg, too?" Moses didn't start the mopping up yet, for obvious reasons.

40:18 To spare you the details, let's just say that "God sliced off Aaron's leg and Moses slipped over on all the blood."

40:19 Oops.

40:20 God helped Moses clean up then, when they'd mopped most of the blood into the bucket, Aaron twitched and knocked it over.

40:21 Moses sighed and God placed his hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Moses, I was going to do that anyway."

40:22 Moses and God continued preparing The Tabernacle. They put tassels up, then hung real bones from them.

40:23 God commanded Moses to make some bread and wouldn't stop staring furiously at him until it was done.

40:24 This was, as you can imagine, intensely disturbing.

40:25 Go on, stop reading for a moment and imagine the Divine Creator staring furiously at you for six hours.

40:26 God told Moses to put a golden altar near the front. Moses told God to do it himself. God told Moses that if he didn't want to be forced to rape his dead mother, he'd move it.

40:27 And Moses burneth incense, in which there was a large amount of a probably poisonous substance.

40:28 God hung a picture on the wall. It fell off. God looked sad and walked away, slowly.

40:29 Moses hung the picture up for God and, as he was nailing it to the wall, he saw that it was a picture of his mothers vagina being pulled apart by lobsters.

40:30 Moses threw the picture away. God burst into tears.

40:31 "You know, Moses, it's getting pretty late and, well, I just wanna say a few words."

40:32 God said, "We've been through a lot together and I think you should make a sandwich."

40:33 Moses paused for a moment, not quite sure about what he'd just heard. God said, "I want it to be full of living snakes."

40:34 Moses made the sandwich and continued preparing The Tabernacle for its grand opening.

40:35 God ate his sandwich, which was quite messy and poisonous and pondered. He pondered making a final ending speech and throwing a snake at Moses.

40:36 God cleared his throat and said, "Moses, it's been hard for you. You've come a long way since you killed that Egyptian and started waving your penis around."

40:37 "Here's your reward, Moses." Moses beamed and felt a warmness in his heart. God punched him right in the kidneys. "Only kidding, you cock, and there's 3 more books until YOU die!"

40:38 God stepped into Heaven and pressed the stop button.

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The Book of Exodus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2242