The Queen James Bible receives no funding for it's work.

Back to contents
The Book Of Genesis: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40  41 - 50

Genesis (v. 1 - 10)

1:1 In the beginning God created sex, drugs and rock and roll.

1:2 And the earth was sadly lacking in, well, anything really. It was also pretty dark, so God went surfing.

1:3 And God said “Let there be light, according to the Wave theory” (What a prick, they’re obviously particles).

1:4 God thought his light was pretty fap. Of course he would. Then he separated the light from the darkness, using a special kind of colander.

1:5 God called the light “Light” and the dark “Dark”. Unimaginative shithead.

1:6 Then God said (Who the fuck is he talking to) something about firmaments. Earth looked bemused.

1:7 The firmament turned out to be a fence.

1:8 God called the firmament “Robin Gibb”, as this was his favourite Bee Gee.

1:9 God selected “Water” for the oceans, casting aside “Jizz”, “Fairy Liquid” and “Molten Butter”.

1:10 God made some islands, some in the shape of phallic objects. Others spelling rude words.

1:11 God planted some stuff. It took him a fair while because of his chronic back disorder.

1:12 God’s stuff grew, while he kicked back in the conservatory.

1:13 Before he knew it, he was on the 3rd day, and he hadn’t even created pizza yet.

1:14 God was feeling particularly fabulous today, so he made the skies sparkly like his gold spandex jumpsuit.

1:15 God put up some fairy lights. £19.99 for 180 from B&Q

1:16 God made the sun, because his shitty wave light ran away. Then he made the sun’s half-brother, the moon, who was epileptic.

1:17 God told them to sit tight, this could be a long universe,

1:18 God sat back and decided to admire his handiwork a bit more, maybe if he’d been working instead of slacking, we’d have had people by now!

1:19 Day 4 in the Big Brother Universe.

1:20 God made fishy things and birds. What are birds? He just didn’t know.

1:21 God made whales. And Wales. In that order. He was from Glamorgan, so it was sort of patriotic.

1:22 God told the creatures on the earth to go and multiply, For he shall soon create humans, the destroyers of all that is eatable.

1:23 Day number 5 (Thank fuck it’s Friday).

1:24 God made slightly more complex creatures like cows and velociraptors. They didn’t get on.

1:25 God took the velociraptors out of the equation and inserted chickens instead. He decided they would be much less ferocious.

1:26 "Right!" God said, "time to make humans!" But first, a cup of tea.

1:27 God created man in his own image, with some of the faults removed.

1:28 God fed them this whole spiel about killing other things and dominating all. They found it muchly hilarious.

1:29 He told them to go party, cos there’s plenty of nibbles to go round.

1:30 God invented green vegetables. Broccoli last of all.

1:31 God kicked back again, check his shit out, it was coming along nicely, so he thought. It was day 6, and still no decent food!

2:1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished in a nice shade of green, and God said "I do enjoy green."

2:2 And on the seventh day God finished his work and called for a pizza; and he retired to the smoking room for a fag.

2:3 And God blessed the seventh day, and blew smoke all over it, and because he was a lazy bastard he didn't even sign it. Not even in the corner. A true craftsman would. A man like Snowy.

2:4 God was pretty chuffed. That commie Buddha hadn't done anything as awesome as this.

2:5 But as God looked down, he saw all the fields and the herbs as they grew. "Bugger," he said, when he realised that he'd not made any rain (or indeed any irrigation system).

2:6 God put down his fag and created a great mist from the earth, which not only looked pretty good but watered the face of the ground too.

2:7 And then God formed man of the dust of the ground, and performed CPR to provide the breath of life and man became a living soul. "Holy crap!" said man.

2:8 And God planted a garden, with a nice two level shrubbery and a path going through the middle in Eden, which was just south of Islington, and there he put the man he had created.

2:9 And out of the ground God made some trees which were kind of pretty, if a bugger to clean up after in autumn. Also they had apples, which were rather nice. In the midst of the garden he created the tree of life, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil and also the knowledge of how to remove red wine stains from almost any surface or cloth with only the power of vinegar!

2:10 All yours for only £9.99! God decided to finally get his finger out and create some irrigation system for Eden, so in went a river. Then things got really fucked up, because they became four heads.

2:11 The name of the first is Psion; that it provides palmtop software and hardware and enables you to access your data on the go;

2:12 Other features include: e-mail, games, word processing and urine analysis.

2:13 The name of the second river is Gorilla: the same that generally makes rather a mess of things in Cornwall.

2:14 And the name of the third river is Herpes: that is rather unfortunately filled with snakes and for some reason the steering wheels of 1986 VW cars. Nobody cares about the fourth river, but it's called Shopping Trolley Gorge.

2:15 And God took the man, slapped him into the garden of Eden (just south of Islington) and said unto him that he should dress it and keep it nice and clean up any turds which may appear.

2:16 And God, inserting several cigars into his mouth said, "You may order pizza, Chinese or eat from any tree in the garden:

2:17 However, eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and also the tree of knowledge of how to remove red wine stains from almost any surface or cloth with only the power of vinegar (only £9.99) then you'll probably die."

2:18 And God, sliding a cigar into his nose said, "It is not good you are alone. You'd probably just wank all the time. I'll give him some company."

2:19 And, out of the ground, God pulled up some animals. Like a deer and perhaps a giraffe. Also there were birds created, but what are birds? God just didn't know. Adam called the creatures names and lo, they stuck.

2:20 Adam gave them all names, even the skinny ones with three legs and the same amount of eyes, he named the birds too, but they just kept shitting on him. Adam was still devoid of company, however, so turned to compulsive masturbation.

2:21 So God slipped Adam some rohypnol and cut him. Cut him good. He pulled out two of his ribs, and marinated and ate one.

2:22 With the other, he made a woman. The entire process is pretty disgusting and God would rather not talk about it.

2:23 And Adam said, "How the fuck did I get home last night? Whoa, hello sweetcheeks!"

2:24 Then God said some shit which nobody listened to, so God just smoked some more cigars.

2:25 Both man and woman were starkers, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed. This is, it seems, not because they were blind (or indeed naturist s), but generally because they were rather stupid.

3:1 A devious serpent appeared. It spoke quickly with a slight cockney accent. It said “Ere, can we eat from every tree round here?”

3:2 The woman replied, “Well yeah, we can eat the fruit but frankly the Chinese is a lot better.”

3:3 And she said, "Oh, and God mentioned something about not eating from the tree in the middle. The one with all the danger signs, that’s covered in spikes and blood."

3:4 The serpentsnakething said “Naaah, yer’ll be rate!

3:5 In that tree is where God keeps his private stash, It’s seriously, seriously good shit."

3:6 So she took some fruit back for her and her bloke. They ate some. The fruit was filled with various bladed weapons and broken glass, which concerned them slightly. Their concern was soon overtaken by an urge to be clothed. Holy shit! They were NAKED!

3:7 “Whoa, nads!” Cried the man, literally. They put their jeans and t shirts back on.

3:8 They hear God casually singing the War of the Worlds soundtrack as he wandered around looking for a stapler. The man and his missus hid. Behind a giant stapler.

3:9 God stopped singing, cursed for a short while, then said “Yo, Adam, where yo at?”

3:10 “My name is Adam!?” said Adam, without thinking. “A HA!” quoth God, as he discovered the clothed pair, and his stapler. “Erm, Why are you wearing clothes man?” he said.

3:11 “Dunno, just felt like it I guess” said Adam. “Ah right, no worries. So, uh, had your dinner yet?” replied God. Adam nodded. “What y’had?” said God.

3:12 “The Fruit of the forbidden tree” said Adam, and immediately slapped his forehead. Adam tried to climb out of the massive hole he had dug by blaming it on his wife. Frankly, it was her fault anyway.

3:13 God turned to Adam’s wife and said “You little bitch!! You made him eat my fruit!? MY FUCKING FRUIT!?”. Adam’s wife replied “Well, yeah, but this snake dude told me to, and well, I believed him!”. God asked if a snake told her to jump off a cliff, would she? She replied “Probably not... Sorry”.

3:14 God turned to the snake and put on his booming voice. “Serpent! As punishment for your crimes, you shall slither on your belly for the rest of your days!”. The snake looked bemused, “But I alre… Oh! Oh no, please, anything but that! Damn, you sure showed me!” And he slithered off into the bush. Laughing.

3:16 God told Adam’s wife that childbirth would sting a bit as punishment. This came as not great surprise to her as she’d dumped a mega shit earlier that morning. She almost drew blood. Stone Cold Steve Austin first appears through the trees.

3:17 He told Adam that he would have to work the rest of his life in a field. Adam argued a bit, he thought this was a bit of a raw deal compared to the other two.

3:18 God asked if he’d like a knuckle sandwich to go with that big mouth of his. Adam stopped talking.

3:19 God also imposed a smoking ban.

3:20 God wandered off in a huff. Adam turned to his wife and said “Well, that was a bit of a bollocking!”. He called her Eve, so he could make puns about her name easily when the 24th of December came around.

3:21 God came back with two purple and green anoraks. “Since you’re so ashamed, wear these, it’ll take the edge off”. Adam wasn’t so sure.

3:22 God looked at Adam and Eve and said “Damn, you’ve been in this paradise for less than a week and you’ve already fucked the place up!”:

3:23 God picked them up and took them to the gates. “Now FUCK OFF.” He said, launching them into the distance. “And don’t come back!”.

3:24 God turned, with a tear in his eye and muttered “Could have been good, but no, fucking assholes!”. Then he wandered off to do that stapling.

4:1 Suddenly, Eve gave birth to Cain. It was pretty messy and Adam fainted.

4:2 Then, to Eve's continuing surprise, she gave birth to Abel too. Abel was a keeper of sheep and Cain was a tiller of land, which was a pretty shit job compared to keeping sheep. Cain also lamented the less sexually gratifying nature of his land tilling.

4:3 A bit of time passed in which nothing happened, so Adam fried an egg. Then Cain decided to offer a gift of fruit to God.

4:4 And Abel offered God the new born sheep of his flock. God was pretty pleased at this, and gave Abel some major respect.

4:5 God wasn't pleased at Cain, though, and offered him no respect. He said Cain was very wroth, which Cain didn't quite understand. Nevertheless, his countenance fell.

4:6 And God said unto Cain "Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen?" to which Cain replied "What the fuck are you talking about, Shakespeare?"

4:7 God continued harping on about some bollocks, and Cain saw his brother humping a sheep in the distance. This wasn't Cain's day.

4:8 And Cain had a little chat with his brother when... the music roared and out ran Stone Cold Steve Austin to aid Cain. Together, they beat the shit out of Abel, with Stone Cold finishing him off with The Stunner.

4:9 And JR said, "He's broken in half!" And God, who hadn't been paying attention, said, "Hey, failure, where's Abel?"

4:10 God continued to say, "Oh my me! What have you done, you crazy fuck?! Your brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground!" To which Cain replied, "That's crazy talk, crazy grandad."

4:11 God said, "Shut up. You're cursed from this earth. This earth which hath opened her mouth to receive your brother's blood spilled by your hand." Cain turneth and saw the hitherto unseen giant Mouth Of Earth, which was currently chomping down on Abel's body.

4:12 God concluded his little drama with, "Now, when you till the ground, it won't yield strength, and you shall be a fugitive and a vagabond upon the earth." Cain giggled at the word vagabond, for it was truly an amusing word.

4:13 And Cain said unto the Lord, "You fucker.

4:14 You have driven me from Eden (south of Islington) and I'll be a fugitive and a vagabond upon the face of earth," he paused to giggle at the word vagabond again, before continuing, "and you know that some fucker is gonna find me and kill me."

4:15 And the Lord said, "Therefore, whoever slays Cain will have vengeance upon him sevenfold." Cain said, "Why sevenfold?", to which God replied "It's my lucky number." Then, God set a mark on Cain, just in case someone who found him would try to kill him.

4:16 And Cain went from the presence of God and dwelt in the land of Bag, which was east of Eden and southeast of Islington. It was pretty shitty.

4:17 For no apparent reason, Cain had a wife and, presumably because Cain was such a randy guy, she conceived Enoch. After his wife had lambasted him about such a crap name, they built a city which they named after their son, Enoch. Cain's wife lambasted him again.

4:18 And unto Enoch was born Iran, and Iran begat Michael J Fox, and Michael J Fox begat Matthew Perry, and Matthew Perry begat Lambert, who would later become a tobacco legend.

4:19 And Lambert took unto him two wives, one was called Bong and one was called Susan.

4:20 And Bong gave birth to Gamal, who was a man in a hat who lived in a tent, the revelence of which is nil.

4:21 And his brother's name was Juiblex, Eyeless Demon Of The Swamp Plains. He enjoyed playing the harp.

4:22 And Susan, she bore Tuberculosis, who taught people how to make things out of brass and iron and also conveniently filled in a large matter of doubt regarding the theory of human evolution. The sister of Tuberculosis was called Naaaaa.

4:23 And Lambert said to his wifes, Bong and Susan, "Listen up, bitches, I've killed this dude. His name was Cain." Some body struck up a dramatic chord in the distance.

4:24 If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lambert seventy and

sevenfold. Seven shall be the multiplier of vengence, and the increase of vengence shall be by seven times.

4:25 One day, Adam came home and his wife had given birth to another son, called Sith. The justification for this was that God had given her another seed being as Abel was dead. Adam didn't believe her and hired a private investigator.

4:26 In the continuingly male biased birth statistics, Seth had a son, called Rosemary. Upon which Eve said "Sith always was a bit weird."

5:1 This is a book about Adam and all his kids. We do hope you enjoyed the introduction!

5:2 God made Adam with some special dirt shit, Adam is blessed with unnatural long life and a giant nose.

5:3 Adam lived for a hundred and thirty years, then he had a kid called Sith. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY! And he’s having kids!

5:4 After Sith, Adam was a fucking machine and for EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS he carried on having kids. Eve was shagged out and beginning to wish she’d never eaten that fruit shit.

5:5 After nine hundred and thirty years of wall to wall fucking, Adam finally karked it. Fittingly, whilst taking Eve up the arse because he was sick of kids. God had the only condom machine in the world in Eden. He smirked at Adam whenever he passed by the gates.

5:6 Sith left it a bit late too, after one hundred and eight years, he had a son called Rosemary.

5:7 Sith lived for eight hundred and seven years after the birth of Rosemary. He spent his days running a small Pizzeria in Bag and skateboarding.

5:8 Finally, after nine hundred and twelve glorious years, Sith was crushed by the gates of Eden as he strolled by when God was just leaving to walk his giant three headed bulldog Max.

5:9 Rosemary was a bit of a loose mofo and only waited ninety years before knocking his bitch up. She was black, so the kid got called Keenan.

5:10 Rosemary lived for another eight hundred and fifteen years after the birth of his strange child before he was killed by a freak meteor shower.

5:11 Rosemary clocked in at nine hundred and five, not as long as the other two. Standards were slipping.

5:12 Keenan was a pimp daddy and was only seventy when he had a lovechild with his old Maths teacher. They called the child Miroslav.

5:13 Keenan lived eight hundred and forty years after Miroslav’s untimely birth in a bus station. He had plenty of kids to go round.

5:14 Keenan managed a respectable nine hundred and ten years before he died. He gave Rosemary the big “You’re a disappointment” speech in heaven. Rosemary told him to shut his fucking mouth.

5:15 Miroslav went to Croatia for sixty five years, then gave birth (strangely, as he was male) to the Jolly Fisherman.

5:16 Miroslav lived for eight hundred and thirty years after the Jolly Fisherman’s birth and had plenty of sex.

5:17 Miroslav lived for eight hundred and ninety five years. Standards were slipping further.

5:18 The Jolly Fisherman started his own village called Skeg. He lived one hundred and sixty two years before having his penis removed in an industrial welding accident. His tallest son was called Eunuch:

5:19 The Jolly Fisherman lived for eight hundred years after the penis incident, then

he died of dysentery. It got awfully messy and Eunuch lost a bollock:

5:20 The Jolly Fisherman, powered by fish and chips, lived for nine hundred and sixty two years; proving it could still be done.

5:21 And Eunuch lived for sixty five years, then he adopted Maddlefapsticks, an African immigrant:

5:22 Eunuch was frankly rubbish, he was fat and lazy. He lived for three hundred odd years after adoption of Maddlefapsticks:

5:23 Eunuch lived for just three hundred and sixty five years. Heaven was extremely displeased. He’d be taking a fucking resit.

5:24 Eunuch pleaded with God, but God was far beyond pissed. “I can’t do it for you!” he said, before stating that he was not angry, just disappointed.

5:25 Maddlefapsticks was no pussy and lived for one hundred and eighty seven years before his wife had a litter of 36 children (at once). Maddlefapsticks fed some to the lions, others he sold on eBay. Only Lumpkin was left.

5:26 Maddlefapsticks lived for seven hundred and eighty two years after the birth of Lumpkin and his 31 frankly expendable friends:

5:27 Maddlefapsticks lived for nine hundred and sixty nine years and was the toast of the town in heaven. Eunuch was cast into exile. We’ll come back to him later.

5:28 Lumpkin had a kid when he was one hundred and eighty seven. This kid is actually important so you can start paying attention again now:

5:29 He called him Noah, he was named to bring joy to the people because God was still fucked off at Eunuch and was randomly toasting civilians.

5:30 Lumpkin lived another five hundred and ninety five years. God sat upright:

5:31 Lumpkin lived for seven hundred and seventy seven years. God let him off, as Noah was such an amusing child.

5:32 Noah had three children when he was about five hundred or so. He named them Narsil, Angmar and Brian.

6:1 And it came to pass, the race of man were a horny lot and they did a lot of fucking. God was operating a monopoly on condoms and drug contraception caused the growth of several extra arms, so basically, they had a lot of kids.

6:2 And the sons of God saw the humans were pretty hot, choosing wives from them. For the weekends, they chose hookers.

6:3 And God, who had clearly been smoking the ol' peace pipe said, "Hey man, my spirit will not always be with you or something, and you're pretty fleshy. Your days shall be one hundred and twenty years." Man replied, "What, in total? Or for each of us?" But God had fallen asleep.

6:4 It's interesting to note that, for no reasonably satisfying explanation, giants roamed this earth. That's what it says, I'm not shitting you. Anyway, man generally had loads more kids.

6:5 And God, after he woke up and pulled bits of grass out of his teeth, saw the great wickedness that was in men upon the earth. And this is real wickedness, not the kind of surfer talk you find in communist coastal towns. He saw into their hearts and saw almost continual evil, interspersed with light sprinklings of pornography.

6:6 God was pretty fucking pissed off.

6:7 And God said "Oh my god you fucking cunts, I'm gonna kill all of you motherfuckers dead. Every single one of you bitches, and those animals and perhaps even snails. I'm not happy about this, but you've pushed me into it."

6:8 But God saw Noah and thought "Eyyyyyyyyyy!" because God was a pretty cool dude. Also, Noah was pretty cool. But not as cool as the Fonz.

6:9 Noah was, as has previously been mentioned, a pretty cool dude. He often chilled with God and the played miniature golf.

6:10 Noah had three sons, Narsil, Angmar and Brian. He was going to have a fourth, but a coathanger and a bottle of bleach soon sorted that out.

6:11 The earth was pretty messed up. There was violence and litter everywhere, including, in the most extreme cases, violence by litter, whereby several cardboard boxes assaulted a man and stole his shoelaces.

6:12 This is just a repeat of 6:11.

6:13 And God said unto Noah, "Oh dude, this sucks. There's litter everywhere and shit. I'm going to destroy all this bollocks." Noah was disturbed by God's profanity, but decided not to antagonise him.

6:14 God continued, "Make a boat. Perhaps a nice catamaran or, I dunno, an ark or something. Make a load of rooms inside and make it out of gopher wood." Noah said, "Alas, I am all out of gopher wood, I shall be nipping down to Ikea."

6:15 And God said, "No, those Swedish bastards have taken enough of my money. Look, make it three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and about thirty cubits high." To which Noah replied, "What the fuck is a cubit?"

6:16 And God said, "Fucking hell I'm not your mother, look it up on google. Anyway, I need a cup of coffee, I'll email you the rest of the specs." And God went and got a coffee. Three million sugars and a small ocean of milk. God liked coffee.

6:17 God came back, ever so slightly high on caffeine and sugar and said, "When I bring this flood down everything's gonna die, it'll be awesome."

6:18 God continued, "But you, man, you're the future. You're gonna come onto this ark, you are, with your sons and your wife and your sons' wives and.." God put out his hand to steady himself, as he was overcome by a dizzy spell.

6:19 And God said, "Whoa. Anyway, bring two of every living thing into this ark and keep them alive. Oh and, uh, make sure one's male and one's female." God nudged Noah. "If you know what I mean and I think that you do." God winked.

6:20 Probably because of the coffee, God repeated himself again, only missing out the sex part this time.

6:21 And God said, "Oh yeah! And take a lot of food with you, to feed you and the animals." Noah said, "That's a fucking lot of food." God nodded. It fucking was.

6:22 And thus did Noah, God's bitch, obey God's commands and did all that he wished, as well as washing his car because it was getting pretty dusty.

7:1 God smiled at Noah and said “You’re my favourite, You are!” before slurring off into a mindless mumble about how the space bar on laptops isn’t quite long enough.

7:2 Noah took this as a sign that God was taking an hour off. This often happened shortly after he smoked. Noah suspected those weren’t Lambert and Butlers.

7:3 Noah decided to build his boat, as God got pretty cranky in the mornings. He built it by his own dimensions. Which he figured would be about the same as that cubit shit.

7:4 Turns out a cubit was slightly longer than eleven inches. Noah started again.

7:5 Just then, God awoke and told Noah (again) of his mighty plan to destroy all he had created on the earth apart from 2 of every species. For an overseeing ruler, he had a memory like a goldfish.

7:6 Noah was getting on a bit, so the ark had to be finished off by contractors. They didn’t make a good job of it, but it was the best he could expect.

7:7 Noah and his family went into the ark. There was no coving, the skirting boards were too short, the plastering was lopsided and one of the doors didn’t shut properly. Noah fired up the power sander.

7:8 Noah went outside. “And take birds, and fish, and pigs..”. God was still talking.

7:9 So Noah loaded up and signalled to God, who commended Noah on his speed and efficiency. Noah packed his surfboard, this flood thing was gonna own.

7:10 After seven days of waiting (clenching) on the ark, God finally got his shit together and unleashed a mighty torrent from the skies. “Sorry about the wait.” He said. “Had to wait for the immersion”.

7:11 And so it was, that all unholy havoc broke out. God slew the women, children, sick and elderly, laughing all the way. His mirth was cut short by the ping of the microwave. God loved Micro Pizza.

7:12 While God was away, the rains fell for 40 days and nights. He was alright though, the overflow pipe handled it very well.

7:13 God ran back to the earth and stopped the floods. “Hey Noah” he said. “Wanna see me make it rain Shit?”. Noah went inside.

7:14 Noah, Narsil, Angmar and Brian sat in the corner of the ark, listening to the soft pitter patter of the turds landing on the roof. “I hope I took the washing in.” said Narsil.

7:15 It was at that moment that a talking Horse spoke to Noah. “Noah!” it said. “God commands you to go and check out his Shitstorm”. Noah replied “Alright, that’s it. No talking horses”

7:16 Thus, Noah braved God’s faecal assault, and cast forth the talking horses from the ark, where they promptly drowned.

7:17 “That was harsh” said Brian. “You’re next, MISTAKE” said Noah. Brian sulked as Noah walked off to find a spoon. “Gutted” said Angmar.

7:18 The hammering on the roof ceased and Noah ventured outside, with his spoon. He yelled at God for a while about the state of his boat, but God was watching New Yankee Workshop.

7:19 God’s entertainment cabinet stretched for 1500 miles and featured a DVD rack and a space to put your remote controls.

7:20 God tested the water. “Hmm, 15 cubits deep, I’d say!”. Noah was still bemused.

7:21 God breathed a deep breath. “Smell that air, Noah; isn’t it grand?”. Noah hastened to agree, as God wasn’t nearly as close to the aftermath of the shitstorm as he was.

7:22 God smirked for a while at the fact that he’d killed everyone. Especially Eunuch, that little prick.

7:23 So God kicked back and waited for an angry phone call from the water board. This one was going to be hard to explain.

7:24 Sure enough, the phone call came. God argued for days, when he finally hung up he said “Cocksuckers! Hey Noah, bring out those cool talking horses!”.

8:1 God, writhing in pleasure at having killed everyone accidently knocked the plug out of the plughole. As the waters drained he sang, "Oh what the hell, it was getting boring anyway."

8:2 God turned off the tap, which was golden in appearence but was actually a very reasonable price because he had used a mail order catalogue.

8:3 The fittings were crap, however, and a small drip remained. Dripping. God stuck wednesday's copy of the Daily Mail up it and thus ended the flood.

8:4 And on the seventh month, and the seventeenth day of that month, the ark came to rest. Noah looked at his calendar. "Cor, what're the chances, eh?!" The ark grounded on the mountains of Arafat.

8:5 The waters were going down pretty slowly, which God contributed to the fact that he'd done the plumbing himself, after watching Discovery Home And Leisure. By the tenth month, the tops of the mountains were seen. Noah thought he saw a mermaid, but it was only a scuba diver.

8:6 Noah said, "You know God, if this flood was supposed to kill everything, what about the stuff in the sea? Like dolphins and whales." God gave him the eye, shortly followed by the finger.

8:7 Noah, tired of Solitaire and bored of beating his wife, sent forth a raven, which generally flew about shitting everywhere. It's purpose was to keep flying to and fro until all the water dried up. Unfortunately it was eaten by a crocodile about half an hour after it had set out.

8:8 So Noah sent out a dove to see if the waters were cleaned up. Noah didn't ask God because frankly, Noah was having doubts about whether they were best friends anymore.

8:9 The dove found no dry land and returned to the ark. Noah was hungry, so he roasted the dove and ate it with a light sauce he'd learnt how to make from Nigella Lawson.

8:10 Seven days, two hours, nine minutes, forty seven seconds, three hundred and eighty two milliseconds, two thousand and seventy nine microseconds, eight hundred and fifty one nanoseconds, ninty six thousand eight hundred and seventeen picoseconds, two hundred thousand and sixty eight attoseconds, eighteen zeptoseconds and two billion eight hundred and fifty nine thousand, one hundred and eighty four yoctoseconds later, he sent out another dove, went to the fridge and got a Muller Rice.

8:11 And the dove came back to him in the evening, with an olive branch in her mouth, so Noah knew she'd been to the UN.

8:12 Noah asked his wife if they could try anal sex. Seven days later, he sent forth another the dove again. But she did not return to him anymore. Noah feared the crocodile once more.

8:13 Noah's wife was not at all pleased at the prospect of anal sex, so Noah prepared a small toolkit with which to restrain her. Which Noah was putting some duct tape into his pocket, he saw that the earth was dry!

8:14 "Bloody hell!" said Noah, who knew he had lost his chance to anally rape his wife.

8:15 God, upon seeing Noah hurried put his magazine away and furtively zipped up.

8:16 And God said, "Noah! Didn't see you there! Ha ha! Go forth from the ark with your wife and sons and your sons of wives and.. wives of sons and.. sives of.. of.."

8:17 God continued, "Bring forth every living thing!" Noah interrupted him, "Okay, God. Okay. I understand. Say no more!"

8:18 But God said more, ".. the birds and the cattle, the creeping beasts and.."

8:19 And lo, all the animals departed the ark. There was a minor scuffle, in which two cats were eaten, a zebra lost a wristwatch and a giraffe was pushed ten feet off the gangplank.

8:20 And, while the gorillas were making complaints about lost luggage, Noah built an altar to God. Scribed upon it was "To God, may thouest alwaZKJGH" for Noah sneezed while scribing.

8:21 And God cooked up a large curry and said, "Never again will I smite man as I have smited man. I really cannot be arsed." Noah breathed a sigh of relief.

8:22 God drank Pepsi with his curry, which was a foolish idea because the acidic nature of Pepsi only heightens the burning sensation of the curry.

9:1 God told Noah and his kids that they were cool. He said “Go forth and be fabulous!”. The four men simultaneously put their backs to a wall.

9:2 God was oblivious to his homoerotic tone. He told the men that everything in the world would fear them. Noah asked whether this was such a good idea, especially when they needed to catch slaves.

9:3 “Go and kill everything!” quoth God. Noah questioned his ethics of “Rip ‘em a new one”.

9:4 God turned to walk off. “Oh, one more thing” he said. “Don’t kill each other. Be fabulous to each other”. Noah squinted.

9:5 God was smoking three cigarettes, five cigars and a badger. Noah found it hard to take him seriously when it looked like he was on fire.

9:6 God caught fire. Noah had warned him about that shit.

9:7 “Yeah, so basically, if you murder someone, I’ll cut off your arms”. “Gotcha” said Narsil.

9:8 God made it clear he wasn’t going to take any shit with this new human race. Any sign of ginger hair should be dealt with using a power drill.

9:9 God gave Noah a basket of flowers as a moving in present. Narsil got a new stereo, Angmar a Renault Scenic. Brian got his arsehole widened.

9:10 God smiled as all the beasts ran out of Noah’s ark. “Did you get any ‘footage’ of Mrs Noah with some of those donkeys?” he asked. “Her name is Beth” said Noah. God smirked. Dirty bitch.

9:11 “I’m done flooding shit now” said God. “I’m glad” said Noah.

9:12 God showed Noah his entertainment cabinet. Noah was very impressed. No, really.

9:13 God said, "Ok, so what are we still standing here for? You lot go and fuck, I’m gonna go pick up some milk."

9:14 “Oh, one more thing.” said God. Noah had seen this coming. Again.

9:16 “I’ll be watching you, Noah, son of Lumpkin. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA”. Noah frowned.

9:17 “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” said Noah. “Ok, shut up," said God.

9:18 The three sons of Noah are Narsil, Angmar and Brian, incase you skipped that chapter. Narsil’s son is called Fentwick.

9:19 So, these three kids. They go about, put it about, fuck about. You get the idea.

9:20 Noah was too old to fuck. He planted a beer tree.

9:21 Noah got pissed on the pints he plucked from the tree. He took off his clothes. It all got awkward. Narsil walked in.

9:22 “Jesus fuck, old man! Don’t nobody wanna see that shit!”. He went to tell Angmar and Brian.

9:23 Angmar and Brian took some clothes, and trying not to look, put them on Noah. “Keep them on, you filthy bastard,” said Angmar. This was all too familiar for Brian; his father getting drunk and naked in his vicinity.

9:24 Noah came round 39 days later. “What a brilliant night” he said.

9:25 He cursed Fentwick, which the others found slightly harsh. What the hell had he done?

9:26 He told Fentwick he would be Narsil’s slave. To do whatever he pleased, when he pleased. This was all too familiar for Brian.

9:27 God said “You shall suck Narsil’s cock whenever he wants, AND take it in the armpit!” Noah nodded aggressively. Narsil looked ill. This was all too familiar for Brian.

9:28 Noah lived about three hundred and fifty years until child protection officers kicked down his door and shot him.

9:29 He died when he was nine hundred and fifty. It was a good innings but he was still a fucker. Fucking Noah.

10:1 These are the generations of the sons on Noah, Narsil, Angmar and Brian, who quickly got into the swing of things after the floor.

10:2 Brian had many sons.

10:3 Unfortunately, they all died under the wheels of a truck on their way to Disneyland.

10:4 There was blood, bones, flesh and hats everwhere.

10:5 It was pretty horrible.

10:6 Made the national news and everything.

10:7 The truck driver later committed suicide because in the crash, he'd lost a winning lottery ticket.

10:8 He tied a toaster around his neck, threw it into the bath and jumped off a building.

10:9 The truck drivers son, however, survived! He was, hilariously, called Nimrod and was renowned throughout the land for being an exceptional hunter and having a large girth to his penis.

10:10 And thus the beginning of his kingdom, Babel. People from far and wide came to fish in the rivers of Babel, but were somewhat disappointed when they put the fish in their ears.

10:11 Nevertheless, the tourism industry flourished, especially helped by the legalisation of soft drugs and prostitution, something which would be repeated by low lying countries later.

10:12 A lot later. We're talking thousands of years. Even Jesus hasn't been born yet.

10:13 More people visited Babel and fished in the rivers. They were also somewhat disappointed when the translations offered were of poor grammatical quality.

10:14 "What did you expect," said Nimrod, "from a machine translation service?"

10:15 And the children accepted his word, but still used it to cheat on their French homework.

10:16 A Subway opened up, shortly followd by a Starbucks. Taco's were not popular in Babel, so Taco Bell did not open a shop there.

10:17 Quentin Tarantino began filming his next film, "Swords, Guns, Cocaine, Sex, Breasts, Sharks and Wasps", in Babel, much to the chagrin of Nimrod, who felt Tarantino really had jumped the shark at Pulp Fiction.

10:18 This caused great tension in the area, as it turns out nobody really liked Tarantino anymore.

10:19 And so all the people in Gaza and Sodom and Gomorrah and Admah and Zeboim and yes! Even Lasha all posted critical comments on internet newsgroups.

10:20 Following some minor rioting, mostly in Gaza, Narsil found a body floating in his swimming pool.

10:21 Michael Barrymore was bought in for questioning, but it turned out he was actually hanging from a rope in his garage.

10:22 After much investigation, it turned out to be a large collection of leaves which had clumped together to make the appearence of a body.

10:23 Narsil was tired of the entire affair and watched some wrestling on television.

10:24 Macho Man Randy Savage was certainly doing well, having just thrown somebody through a sheet of sugarglass.

10:25 He was proceeding to beat someone with a plastic chair, before jumping on them from a height of one foot and missing them completely.

10:26 Still, the oppossing person was presumably knocked down in shock at how Macho Man Randy Savage could miss them, and they fell over.

10:27 He went for the pin.

10:29 "One," said the referee.

10:30 "Two."

10:31 "Three."

10:32 "Thank fuck that's over with," said God, "that's possibly the worst chapter that's ever been written." Noah nodded in agreement. "To be fair, the source material was nothing to work with, so it was mostly just made up." God spake, "Yes. I like how he worked in Gaza, Sodom and Gomorrah. You know, all the famous places." "Yeah," agreed Noah.

Next page: Genesis 11 - 20
The Book Of Genesis: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40  41 - 50
Back to contents

Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2054