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The Book Of Genesis: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40  41 - 50

Genesis (v. 11 - 20)

11:1 Everybody in the world spoke Croatian. Obviously, this bible has been translated into traditional English to please Queen James the hairy goatslayer of the North.

11:2 Noah’s kids went east, across the swamp plains; where they encountered four eyeless demons. The third of which had one leg. Angmar laughed.

11:3 Suddenly, in the middle of nowhere. Narsil stopped. “Lets build a CITY!” he cried.

11:4 “Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!” said Angmar, "a city’s a bit much!”. He stroked his beard of bees. “Lets make a trifle instead.”

11:5 “No, we shall build a city, with a great tower!” said Narsil. “Oh, alright then," replied Angmar, “with a lidless all-seeing eye of FLAME!”. Angmar blinked. “You always take it too far”.

11:6 So they built the city and the great tower, minus giant lidless eye. “LORD!” cried Narsil. “Look what I have created for you!”. “We” interrupted Angmar. “What WE have created for you!”

11:7 “Lord God, I give you… COVENTRY!”. Silence filled the air. A bell sounded in the distance.

11:8 “Erm, yeah.” Said God. “I’d rather you called it.. I dunno.. perhaps.. Babel?”. Narsil agreed this was probably better.

11:9 “Very nice.” Said God. “What does it do?”. Narsil informed him that it shot down orbiting satellites and would command all his mighty armies in the battle for earth. Neither of those things were true.

11:10 Angmar was the shorter of two brothers. Narsil being the almost slightly but not quite ever so fractionally taller one of the three. Angmar had a child named Clive, who had two heads.

11:11 Angmar lived for five hundred years after the birth of Clive, and begat sons, daughters and on one special occasion, a buffalo.

11:12 Clive was thirty five when he had Harriogebalive. Read that out loud for me.

11:13 Clive lived for four hundred and three years, before he was crushed by a passing book. Who promptly apologised.

11:14 And Harriogebalive wasn’t fucking about either. He had a kid at thirty, which was frankly unheard of. It was born in a microwave.

11:15 Harriogebalive lived for an indeterminate amount of time, calculable only by working out the inverse log to the base 10 of the gradient of a graph which curiously has no line, only a large axe-shaped blotch.

11:16 Vikings invaded the world. Outlawing the practice of having children with names. For the purposes of the author’s sanity, they also banned these kind of family tree fucking chapters.

11:17 For the next nine hundred years, black was very much in.

11:18 Then black was out again. In came red. Which was altogether more conversational than green.

11:19 Red was put to death, and the parliament soldiers rejoiced. Green reigned once more.

11:20 John Lennon first appears as an unsuccessful sperm. He’d have his chance later.

11:21 God was muchly grieved to learn that although ASDA had a website, you couldn’t order food from it yet! He’d made a shopping list too.

11:22 Sometimes, when he was hungry, God feasted on the homeless. Nobody was going to miss them.

11:23 The penny dropped when everyone wondered where the Xylophone-playing tramp has disappeared to.

11:24 Anyway, this dude called Namramadomawark had a kid. He called his kid Wax.

11:25 Now, Namramadomawark lived for only one hundred and twenty years after his kid’s birth. Heaven had him stoned.

11:26 Now, Wax had three kids. Cheese, Castrol and Abram.

11:27 Castrol had a halfman halfdemon child. Which he called Alexitraxas, Planar scourge of the fourth dimension.

11:28 Castrol died before his father, Wax, in the land of Scotchegg.

11:29 So Cheese and Abram got them some bitches: the name of Abram's wife was Horse; and the name of Cheese's wife was Eat0rofthePen0r, She was the first human to have digits in her name.

11:30 Because she was ginger, Horse was allowed no children. And only spared torturous death by a selfless act of sexual gratification.

11:31 They left, and lived in Scarsborough residential district (The Avenues).

11:32 Wax copped it shortly after. A mugging by some of the avenue kids on second. He only had £4.23 and a cheap Nokia.

12:1 Now God said unto Abram, "Bugger off."

12:2 When pressed for elaboration, God said, "Run away, dude! Get away from your country, your dad and to a land I will show you!" Abram thought God was fucking nuts.

12:3 "No listen," insisted God, "It'll be cool. I'll make you a great nation (Not to be confused with Great Nationals, the international pornography magazine) AND I will bless thee!" Abram still had his doubts. God sighed, "And I'll curse those who curse you and bless those who bless you, okay?"

12:4 And so Abram packed his cricket equipment and his favourite CDs but he did not pack his clothes, for he was a nudist. He was about seventy five when he left. And he was a nudist?! Gross OUT!

12:5 Abram took all of his family and also the dog, which had died several months previously but they dug it up for the occasion. They went forth, paid a reasonable charge at the toll road and came into the land of Canaan. As an interesting aside, Abram also came onto the land of Canaan, which God thought was pretty sick but then he was a nudist.

12:6 And lo, Abram did pass wind. And so it came to pass, God found mirth in his anal rumblings.

12:7 God decided to put in an appearance, wearing some kind of frilly tutu, for he had been attending ballet lessons. He said, "Stop giggling. I'm giving you this land, dude, so don't fuck it up." And instead of replying like most people, Abram built an altar to the Lord, who was unreceptive because he was doing some bar work.

12:8 Abram, probably because he was a nudist decided to go and camp on a mountain. Where he got the tent from is probably something you don't want to hear about. He made sure Bethel was to his east, and built another altar to the Lord and called upon his name.

12:9 God continued not to say anything, because he was arguing with Mrs Farnsworth as to whether Janina Cunovas really qualified as a master ballet teacher. God was putting forth some convincing arguments to the contrary, but Mrs Farnsworth had the whip. Abram journeyed on.

12:10 There was a bit of a famine going on and Abram went into Egypt, mostly to see the pyramids but he saw that the famine was really pretty bad.

12:11 Rotting dead skinny people kind of put you off taking photos of the pyramids.

12:12 Just before they reached customs, Abram said unto his wife, "Babe, you're pretty hot. When we get into Egypt they're gonna kill me, probably because I'm a nudist, but they'll keep you alive because you're a babe."

12:13 And Abrams wife did say "This is worse than the time my father was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex." And Abram nodded quietly.

12:14 And it came to pass, they went into Egypt. They saw his wife and said, "Haven't I seen you on hotornot.com?"

12:15 The princes of the Pharaoh, who were on Babe-Patrol saw her and were so impressed (read: aroused) that they bought her before the Pharaoh, which was pretty impressive as he's usually booked up.

12:16 And the Pharaoh treated Abram well for her sake, and he gave him an apple, a toaster, two shards of metal and a large length of Cat-5e ethernet cable. He gave Abram's wife a powerful sniper rifle.

12:17 And God plagued the Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Abram's wife. The Pharaoh said, "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?! THIS IS A BIT FUCKING OUT OF THE BLUE ISN'T IT?!" And it fucking was.

12:18 And the Pharaoh sent Abram a text message saying "WTF Y DID U NOT SAY SHE WAS UR WIFE?!?!?!?!?!?!"

12:19 But Abram had spent all of his phone credit on gay sex hotlines and being as he was on a prepay contract, he could not reply.

12:20 And so the Pharaoh commanded him to be removed with his wife and all that he owned (minus the toaster), just to stop God throwing all that shit at him.

13:1 So it came to pass that Abram caught a cab out of Egypt and lo, the fare was bloody extortionate. Fucking Egyptians.

13:2 Abram was pretty loaded after his time in Egypt but you really don't want to know where he put his wallet. He was a nudist, you know.

13:3 His cab took him to Bethel, which was a pretty nice town, but full of prostitutes. He decided to leave and camp in the wilderness, where the cocaine dealers were fewer in number.

13:4 He started carving a giant pair of breasts into some rock, but in the end decided to make an altar to God. Again.

13:5 God kept on ignoring him because he was watching the uncensored DVD of Owen Hart's death.

13:6 The land they lived on was sadly populated by GIANT WORMS(!!!), which made cattle farming rather difficult, as you can imagine.

13:7 And Abram turned to Lot, who was apparently some kind of relation and said "This sucks. Now we can't have steak for dinner."

13:8 Abram continued, "I think we should find somewhere else. Somewhere non-worm-populated, y'know?" Lot didn't say anything, for he was actually mute after banging his neck on a table when he was five.

13:9 Abram stroked the beard of one of his cattle, which Lot found slightly disturbing. "Hmm, I think we should go seperate ways." Lot was clearly distressed about this idea, but couldn't say anything. Stupid table.

13:10 So Lot ended up on a plane to Jordan. He was in business class, because he didn't fancy cramping all of his cattle into the lower classes. Jordan was a pretty nice place, unlike Venus, which is a sulpherous volcano planet with acid clouds and lava.

13:11 And so it came to pass, Lot went into his new kitchen, but forgot what he went in there for. He hated that.

13:12 Abram decided to live in Canaan, which he'd always presumed to be named thus because of some kind of typing error. That amount of a's is just unnatural.

13:13 And God appeared unto Abram and said,that the people of Sodom were wicked. This was because they're put toilet paper all over his car.

13:14 God appeared to be suffering some kind of adverse bowel movement. He slowly said to Abram, "Check it out, dude. All this land, it's yours. Keep it. On the house."

13:15 And Abram was pleased with God's gift, for it had a wonderful view and the property market was becoming a sellers dream. He could even see Sodom from his house.

13:16 And God said, basically, a load of rubbish, but what's new? Abram seemed to get the gist of what he was saying, which was "have lots of sex."

13:17 God put on a pair of rather expensive sunglasses. "I'm fucking off to Ibiza," he said, "have fun!" and left in a puff of smoke and cheap aftershave.

13:18 Abram lit a cigar, which turned out to be a stick of dynamite. Luckily, he threw it away and only killed a family of four, which included two small children who were smiling and laughing and having fun at the time. Abram threw the bodies to the giant worms back in wherever the hell he came from.

14:1 And it came to pass that Chlorine, king of some city decided to get some friends and go to war with with Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim and Zoar. The chess tournament had to be cancelled.

14:2 Sodom and Gomorrah and company tried to build a moon based laser facility, but they ran out of stepladders.

14:3 So they all met up in McDonalds to discuss how to fight back over some pieces of brown cardboard with bits of eyes and bone in.

14:4 The exact reasons for this war business are unclear, although CNN speculates that it was started over some controversy in last years chess tournament.

14:5 And in the fourteenth year (this is a bloody slow war) Chlorine bought a small cache of AK47s from some ex-KGB Russians and went and shot a few people in the middle of the night which everyone agreed was a pretty low thing to do but all is fair in love and war. And occasionally chess.

14:6 But not always.

14:7 Chlorine and his allies were getting a bit ambitious, so they went around killing a few more of the allies of Sodom and Gomorrah. Chlorine took to thrusting furiously as a symbol of his power.

14:8 The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah were getting pretty scared because they'd seen 'Scream' the night before on the BBC.

14:9 They decided to gather their remaining friends and leg it to Peru, home of Paddington Bear and Van Halen.

14:10 Rather unfortunately, they ran into Chlorine on the way to the airport. "Holy crap!" they all cried. "Ahahaaaaa!" replied Chlorine, who began thrusting in their direction.

14:11 The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah promptly buggered off in the opposite direction.

14:12 Chlorine looted Sodom and Gomorrah, and spraypainted large penises on the walls, much to the amusement of all.

14:13 Someone stayed behind, though, because he was neither a fan of Paddington Bear or Van Halen. He went and told Abram who was currently in a massage parlour recieving the services of a small but very pretty female asian masseur.

14:14 And lo, Abram said "What the bloody hell do you want, this masseur costs a fortune." When he heard of the news, he learned that his brother was taken captive. This was, frankly, news to everyone, as no mention had been made previously.

14:15 He armed his servents with guns, purple suits and large hats with extravagant feathers. Abram was indeed mad pimpin'. They ran after Chlorine, who was pretty scared of Abram, for he was a nudist.

14:16 Abram and his pimp army managed to kick ass and also score some chicks, which was good news for all involved, except the chicks. And the pimps, because the chicks were actually men. So really, it wasn't good news for anyone.

14:17 Well, apart from the king of Sodom, who got his city back. Abram decided to throw a party, and Electric Six turned up to start a nuclear war on the dancefloor.

14:18 Someone bought peanuts. There was much rejoicing, apart from Abram, who was allergic. This was, of course, a lie, he only pretended he was allergic to score chicks.

14:19 The bringer of peanuts blessed Abram, saying "Dude, you might be fucking naked, but you know how to throw a good party!" And Abram agreed, because he really was naked.

14:20 And the bringer of peanuts kept on blessing Abram, but he wasn't listening because Electric Six were playing Gay Bar and were whipping a man live on stage.

14:21 Suddenly, Dorian Grey appeared and began to tell jokes about blonde people.

14:22 The king of Sodom turned to Abram and said "You've done me a massive favour by popping that pansy Chlorine, you can have all the possessions in Sodom!"

14:23 Abram, however, had seen all the possessions in Sodom, and he had seen all the spraypainted penises, so he politely refused, before rambling on about shoelaces.

14:24 And Abram said, "Actually, I'd quite like--" and the king of Sodom said, "No! Too late! Ha! You've made your bed, pal, you can sleep in it. Now bugger off out of my city."

15:1 After the party, when everyone had passed out or gone home or passed out going home, God came unto Abram and said, "Fear not, Abram, for I am your great reward."

15:2 Abram sat up and quickly wished he hadn't. He said, "What kind of shit can you get me though? A prairie oyster or something? Or perhaps some damn children!?"

15:3 And Abram stood up and said, "Behold! Where are my trousers?!" And thus he searched all over for them, while complaining to God about the fact he had no kids.

15:4 And God said, "Oh quit complaining, you'll have some kids when I'm good and ready to give you them."

15:5 And then God, in his infinite wisdom, decided to waffle on for a bit. Abram was suddenly overcome by the urge to be very violently sick. He staggered over to the toilet.

15:6 And lo, Abram was sick into the toilet, and between heaves he spake: "Oh God.. urgh.. oh.. oh God.."

15:7 And God did not understand, "What? What is it? What do you want?!"

15:8 And God was not pleased at Abram, because he had verily annoyed the buggery out of him, so God decided some kind of horrible punishment, such was Gods way.

15:9 Thusly, God said, "Take George Clooney, a goat, a turtle, a sack of potatoes and a large onion." God narrowed his eyes. "Make me a stew."

15:10 And Abram was upset, for he enjoyed Clooney's performance in E.R. But he obeyed his lord and began creating the stew. He was still feeling pretty hungover from the Sodom party, and cubing George Clooney's meatier parts was not helping.

15:11 Dorian Grey sauntered over to Abram, clutching what appeared to be four empty bottles of Absinth. "I drank all of this," he proclaimed chirpily. Abram had a vision of a painting in an attic somewhere catching fire.

15:12 God was getting impatient about the stew, so he decided to watch 'Three Kings' to whet his appetite.

15:13 And to pass the time, Abram said, "All the ingredients in a stew are as important as each other. Alone they are nothing but without them the stew would be nothing." He then posed a question to God. "Do you know what the most important ingredient in a stew is?"

15:14 And God did reply, "Meat?" Abram laughed, "Everyone always says meat. But no, it's the stew base. Without the stew base, those ingredients could be used to make a curry." God took the hint, and gave Abram what he needed to make a stew base.

15:15 While the stew stewed, Abram paced the floor a little. This was putting God off his DVD, so he asked him what the fuck he was pacing for.

15:16 Abram said, "I can't help but think this is nothing to do with what actually happened in the bible." And God grunted.

15:17 And God did say, "The problem is, the author can't really understand what's going on, so he picked out a few key phrases and built it around that."

15:18 Abram waved to Electric Six, who were being whisked away in the TARDIS and said, "So is stew relevent to anything?"

15:19 And God said no, for stew was indeed nothing to do with Christianity whatsoever. Although Jesus had a thing for stew, it was covered up.

15:20 Abram pinched the bridge of his nose, "Anyway, I thought you were going to give me some fucking kids. I really want some kids. To carry on my legacy and all."

15:21 And lo God replied, "What the fuck man, are you a fucking paedophile or something? Fucking shut up already, this is a good bit." God turned back watching his DVD.

16:1 Now Horse, which is apparently Abram's wife could give him no kids, because God was generally having a fun time torturing humans. However, she had a handmaiden named Hagar. She was rather horrible.

16:2 She had warts on her eyelids and things. It was pretty gross. Anyway, Horse said to Abram, "Bone my handmaiden and have some kids." Abram responded only with an erection.

16:3 Then he saw Hagar. "My god, she's horrible!" he cried. And lo, Horse put a plastic bag over her head.

16:4 After she fainted, Horse decided a paper bag would be better, but hardly any shops were dispensing these anymore. And so it came to pass that Abram gave her a good rogering and, despite suffering a premature ejaculation (I guess she wasn't all THAT horrible) she conceived.

16:5 And when Hagar saw she had concieved, she developed a hatred of Horse and a love of petrol sandwiches.

16:6 And Horse saw that she was wrong. And Abram said, "Frankly, it's a bit late now, isn't it!" Seeing as this only made her more upset, Abram said, "Look, just be cool, okay, I'll see she doesn't hate you."

16:7 So Abram went to sort her out and, unsurprisingly, she ran off. Abram was a nudist, you know. God's angel found her by a fountain of water, wrestling alligators.

16:8 And the angel said, "Hagar, what the hell are you doing?!" to which she replied, "I'm wrestling an alligator you dumbass." The angel slapped his forehead, saying, "No, what I mean is, why are you running away from Abram and Horse?"

16:9 She sat in ashamed silence. The alligator got bored and buggered off. Softly, the angel said, "Return to thy mistress. Hey, can you smell burning?"

16:10 And the angel said, "Whatever. Look, babe, go back and have your son." To which Hagar replied out, "A SON?! I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW! IT WAS GOING TO BE A SURPRISE! You utter cock!"

16:11 The angel produced a Desert Eagle .375 and shot her in the leg. He said, "Shut up. You're gonna have a son and he'll be called Ishmael, got it? God is doing this for you because he felt sorry for you. Show some respect."

16:12 Hagar screamed after the retreating angel. "FUCKING THANKS A LOT GOD," she said, "YOU'RE ONE IN A FUCKING MILLION."

16:13 She flipped open her Motorola and called an ambulance, which was delayed by 5 minutes because God was laughing so much.

16:14 On the way to the hospital, the ambulence was struck by an AGM-65B Maverick air to ground missile. Luckily, Hagar survived but she had to call another ambulence. God kept on laughing.

16:15 And, at long last, with many petrol sandwiches eaten, she gave birth to Abram's son, Ishamel. They thought he was dead, but he was just sleeping.

16:16 And Abram said, "Fucking what a stupid name." God caused a thunderous rumbling. Abram apologised, putting the thunder down to anger and not indigestion.

17:1 When Abram turned ninety nine, God threw a major party. But forgot to invite anyone. Finally, he had a whole box of those tiny sausages all to himself.

17:2 God checked Abram out, he was looking pretty fly, so God gave him a covenant, which was some kind of device for finding lava.

17:3 Abram questioned the usefulness of an instrument which finds red hot liquid rocks.

17:4 God slapped Abram. The ungrateful cunt.

17:5 God said “AND, for your insolence, I’m gonna call you…”

17:6 “Abraham,” said Abram.

17:7 “ABRAHAM!” said God, not fully realising he’d been subconsciously tricked into choosing a non-offensive name.

17:8 “So, ABRAHAM!” sneered God, “I’m also giving you Canaan, it’s all yours”.

17:9 “Bastard,” quoth Abraham.

17:10 “Oh by the way, I now own your ass, and all asses which spring forth from yours. So basically, Canaan is mine”. Abraham suspected there was a catch.

17:11 God told Abraham that the people of Canaan should be circumcised and the foreskin kept as a reminder of the covenant between them. You really can’t make shit like this up, honestly.

17:12 “Cut 'em young, cut 'em good,” was God’s phrase. He said they should be snipped at eight days old. Abraham was sure this was illegal.

17:13 Abraham protested most vividly about the frankly horrible justified pain they would inflict on kids. God responded with a bout of “uh huh, yeah, ok.”

17:14 God explained that anyone who was not circumcised would suffer his wrath. Which would come in the shape of fungal yeast infections.

17:15 God told Abraham his wife shall no longer be called Horse. She shall be named Layla.

17:16 “Layla, you got me on my knees,” said God. Abraham hummed but didn’t get what he was on about.

17:17 God mentioned Derek. Something about Dominoes and a Golden Monkey that laid coconuts. Abraham checked out the inside of his eyelids.

17:18 God sneezed. A mighty sneeze it was. The sneeze police could sleep easy.

17:19 God told Abraham he would have a son, called Isaac. Abraham was unimpressed at his lack of choice in the matter.

17:20 If only Isaac knew what was waiting for him after eight days.

17:21 Layla appeared from out of the igloo, wearing a Metallica hoody. God called her a freak.

17:22 Layla informed God that Metallica are better than his FACE and stormed off back inside. God knew deep down that she was right, but she didn’t have to take it so personally.

17:23 Abraham bought some kids on the black market. Fourteen year old Russian brides were easy to come by.

17:24 Abraham, being ninety nine, was circumcised. It was done with a paper trimming guillotine.

17:25 Ishmael was thirteen, and just had his whole bell end cut off, much to God’s amusement.

17:26 It took six days to stop the bleeding.

17:27 Pissing was awfully messy also.

18:1 While Abraham was camping on the Plains of Eternal Suffering, God appeared from above and said “Yo, check this shit out”.

18:2 God left heaven and materialised in front of Abraham in the form of three men, Abraham asked why he needed to be three men. God made a joke about girth.

18:3 Abraham sat and stared for a while. God sang a song in a barber shop trio style.

18:4 God was hungry, God was always hungry. But this time God was as hungry as three men. He asked Abraham if he was going to get his act together and cook him some tea before he left.

18:5 Abraham solemnly agreed and wandered off back to his tent. God raced against himself.

18:6 Abraham’s head appeared through the tent flap. Layla was asleep in her sleeping bag. Abraham informed Layla that she should “Get the fuck up and cook me n my homies some dinner”.

18:7 Abraham went over to the cattle tent and opened the flap. Roughly 350 cows stared at him. The head cow strode forth in front of the others and spoke to Abraham. And this is what it said;

18:8 “’Sup”. Abraham blinked at the cow. He’d found the prime candidate for his fucking burgers.

18:9 As Abraham left the cattle tent, dragging the carcass of the head cow, God approached him. Then he approached him again. And again.

18:10 And God said “Abraham” “Abraham” “Abraham”. “Your wife will have a child” “Your wife will have a child” “Your wi..”. Abraham interrupted and told God he got the fucking picture.

18:11 Abraham said “Wait a second, we’re like, Old!... No way am I fucking that bag of leather!”.

18:12 Layla came out of the tent to tell Abraham dinner was served. The guises of God winced. “I see what you mean” the first one said.

18:13 Layla went back to the tent. The second guise of God said “Wait here, I’ll take one for the team”. The third guise began to applaud.

18:14 Around thirty minutes passed, the tent ceased shaking and God 1, God 3 and Abraham were just finishing a game of marbles.

18:15 God 2 emerged from the tent, he had bruises up his arms and his face was beaten. “She struggled.” He said.

18:16 “She always did like it rough” said Abraham. The three Gods looked at him. God 2 passed out.

18:17 Layla staggered out of the tent. “Jesus H. Mother of a Cunt Shit Dragon!” she said. “I feel like I’ve been fucked by a swarm of bees!”

18:18 God decided it was time for him to take his leave. The three guises merged into one in a thunderous racket of blood and splintered bones. Then he vapourised and returned to the Heavens. Abraham threw up.

18:19 “Ow” came the voice from above. “I think I left a finger down there, have a look will you?”.

18:20 Abraham posted God’s fingers back to him. They were exceptionally feminine for the leader of all mankind.

18:21 God went back to his usual routine of watching TV, smoking and drinking. Layla waddled over to Abraham.

18:22 “Hey, what’s up?” she said. Abraham replied “You’re up the duff and I’ve killed this talking cow for no fucking reason!”

18:23 Layla questioned why Abraham had killed such a mystical beast. Abraham explained that he was going to cook it for dinner but God didn’t dine on talking animals.

18:24 God explained that he wasn’t fussy, they just gave him heartburn.

18:25 Layla explained to Abraham that everything was going to be alright, and they would build great nations and be fantasmical and great.

18:26 Just then, a 30 foot long ashtray plummeted from the skies and crushed the cattle tent in a resounding thud of dying cows. “Sorry!” said God. Apparently it just fell off the coffee table.

18:27 When Abraham stopped despairing, he went to steal someone else’s cows. He did enjoy stealing cows.

18:28 He brought his stolen livestock back to his land, where he promptly painted them all blue. Nobody would suspect theft of blue cows.

18:29 And so it was that Abraham was sent down for 5 years.

18:30 He could have taken a deal. All he had to do was mention G-O-D’s name and he’d walk free. But He did his time like a man.

18:31 One day, in the showers. Broozin Billy Bignuts of E wing asked Abraham, (Whom they called Abey the Bitchmonger) if he’d like a 3 pack of spuff shootin’ lock n load rake handle jubblies with extra bum gravy.

18:32 Abraham took it like a man. He could have cried out “You’re the daddy, You’re the daddy” but he didn’t. He took it like a man.

18:33 Abraham returned home after prison, to find his wife was still pregnant. “Wtf?” said Abraham. What the fuck, indeed!

19:1 So Lot was just chillin’ and being an awesome dude, when this furry Angelbitch comes down and starts invadin’ his digs.

19:2 For some reason, this Angel was a dude also and told Lot to sleep in his servant’s house. Weird, non?

19:3 Lot told the angel he would rather sleep in the motherfucking streets than with that lazy bastard.

19:4 The angel suggested he wrapped himself in cling film to protect against horrid diseases the commoners carried.

19:5 Lot thought about this. “Why the fuck am I supposed to go to all this effort just so I can sleep in the same room as my servant!?”

19:6 The angel replied, in a perfect F sharp, “Because the bible is, so we’re told, a book about how to live your life and love others”. “Consequently, we, as the characters, have to deliver vague messages of equality and love between all mankind”.

19:7 “So that they can be misconstrued and used as a weapon to sucker people into giving money to the church!” said Lot, finally on the same wavelength.

19:8 “You’ve got the idea!” said the angel. “But Christians aren’t the main problem with this. All they’ll do is fight over Ireland. Frankly, it’s not worth it.” It continued. “What’s Ireland?” asked Lot.

19:9 “Never mind, but the real problem is that this book is gonna get plagiarised by just about every other race!”. “Fucking Arabs” said Lot.

19:10 Off the record, the angel nodded. “Some Islamic books have slightly meatier content and end up being misconstrued as ‘Go and blow yourself up for Allah!’.” Lot agreed this would have to be some serious misunderstanding.

19:11 Lot asked the angel what Allah was. The angel told him he would be slapped for every question he asked.

19:12 “What was I talking about?” asked the angel, clicking back on. “Arabs.” Said Lot. The angel slapped him just for being an idiot.

19:13 “Oh yeah, sleep with your servant as a symbol of equality”. Lot told him to go suck a fuck. The angel went and told on Lot for using bad words. No prizes for guessing who he told.

19:14 So it was that God came n had a word with Lot, who mostly kicked his feet and looked at the floor. “Dave tells me you used a bad word.” He said. “Grass!” said Lot. “Shut your fucking mouth, cunt.” boomed God.

19:15 Honestly, God was sick of people. He kills them all except the best two and their fucking kids turn out to be a right load of shits!

19:16 God decided it was time to destroy something and make man pay for not worshipping him enough!

19:17 “Ok, here’s the deal. I’m going to destroy this city, and that one too!”. God pointed at Gomorrah. Lot suspected something over-the-top was coming.

19:18 “Tick tock” mocked God. “I’d start fucking running if I were you!” God informed Lot that he had the time it took God’s popcorn to finish popping.

19:19 “Wait! I’ll sleep with my servant! I’ll fuck him up the ass! Anything! God!? I’LL SWALLOW!!” Lot’s servant stared at him.

19:20 God agreed that as he had been such a sport, he’ll make some concessions. There’s a city over there, called Zoar. I ain’t gonna rape that one.

19:21 “That’s it?” asked Lot. “I have to run to Zoar in the time it takes your Cinema Sweet Vanilla popcorn to finish cooking?” “Mm Hmm” hummed God.

19:22 God went back to check on his popcorn. Lot started running through the streets. He shouted to people that the city would be destroyed. In retrospect, this was a stupid idea as it caused a mass panic and blocked the gates.

19:23 Lot eventually escaped by climbing over the piles of bodies near the turnstiles. He ran to Zoar, for Lot was truly an exceptional middle distance runner.

19:24 Ping! Went God’s microwave and the scent of Vanilla butter filled the air around Sodom and Gomorrah. The people stopped in the streets to take in the sweet aroma.

19:25 Just as the nasal delight was nearing orgasm, God rained death upon the cities. This death came in the form of brimstone, which was a particularly nasty rock found only in Eden. It contained a form of Sarin and exploded on impact.

19:26 The people of Sodom and Gomorrah were slaughtered, all of them. But at least they died smelling nice. God enjoyed his popcorn.

19:27 Abraham woke up, scratched his balls and went outside the tent. He glanced across at the two smouldering craters where Sodom and Gomorrah used to be. “How come we’re living in a tent when there were cities over there!?” he said.

19:28 Stone Cold Steve Austin roared past on a motorcycle.

19:29 God appeared “Pretty cool huh” he said. Abraham hastened to agree. “Can we have a nicer tent?” he asked, but God was watching Men and Motors.

19:30 Lot didn’t fancy Zoar much, Rather, he didn’t fancy the idea of God knowing where he was, considering what happened to the other cities he’d lived in. So he took his two previously unmentioned daughters and lived in a cave in the mountains.

19:31 One sister said to the other “Look, girlfriend, Our Dad’s well old and manky and we live in a cave, so nobody’s gonna wanna fuck us! Basically, our family is over!”

19:32 The other replied “Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.” (ACTUAL BIBLE QUOTE)

19:33 Honestly, they got Lot, their dad, smashed on the 1998 Asda Chardonnay. And they fucked him. His own daughters fucked him. Christians are fucking weird.

19:34 Then, as if that wasn’t enough. They did it again the next night. Two wrongs don’t make a right, ladies. In this case, they make kids with their eyes too close together.

19:35 You really can’t make something as weird as this up. I leave this verse as an aside simply because of my sheer horror at what I have just read.

19:36 So basically, Lot’s kids had kids. Who were his. So… they gave birth to their own sisters. Fuck me, this is like being in Mexico.

19:37 The first born child was called Moab, but for the purposes of this bible, he shall be named Christianbastardchild.

19:38 The second one was called… something, I’ve forgotten and frankly I don’t care for IT’s name. So there you have it, Christians invented redneck porn.

20:1 Abraham was journeying south and was getting rather bored because nothing relatively insane had happened for almost five minutes, so he decided to take some LSD.

20:2 He met Abimelech, king of Gerar and said, "Layla here is my sister!" So Abimelech decided to take her away. Abraham saw visions of a green flag and some sort of holy war, but that soon changed into a dancing frog with a hat.

20:3 And while Abimelech was in bed, God came upon him and said "Mmfrgh! Matf amufer manf wife!" for God was indeed eating a chicken teriyaki sub.

20:4 And Abimelech quoth, "What the fuck? Who are you?! Piss off!" God finished his sub and explained the whole situation again. "Oh crap," said Abimelech.

20:5 Abimelech wet the bed. God laughed. "I didn't know!" Abimelech cried. God was getting pretty tired of him, much like the author was getting pretty tired of typing his name.

20:6 And God said, "Yeah, no worries, I'll let you off." Then he started searching through Abimelech's underwear drawers. Pervert.

20:7 God also said, "So give Abraham his wife back, or I'll fucking kill you." Abimelech nodded feebly, before adding, "But why the fuck did he say that? What the FUCK is wrong with him?! Why did he pass off his wife as his sister?!"

20:8 God shrugged, "Don't question me. I'm God, you know!" and he disappeared in a flurry of underwear.

20:9 Then Abimelech got on the PA system. "Can Abraham please report to Abimelech? That's reporting to Abimelech, for you, Abraham."

20:10 And Abraham turned up and Abimelech did spake, "WHAT THE FUCK!? You freak! What the hell is wrong with you?! Why did you say that shit?! Do you know what God did?! He came down and stole some of my underwear!"

20:11 Abraham replied, "Well, haha, the thing is, I thought you'd kill me for my hot wife, so I made up all these lies! Haha! Ha.. ha.." Abraham sorely wished for the dancing frog again.

20:12 Abimelech's jaw hung open in shock. He was so shocked infact, that he actually broke his jaw, and had to communicate by use of a whiteboard and felt tip pen.

20:13 And lo, Abimelech did scribe, "U FKN CUNT."

20:14 But he did return Abraham's wife, and also some fine clothing. Abraham refused. He was a nudist, you know.

20:15 In an effort not to piss God off even more (and to safeguard his underwear), Abimelech wrote Abraham a cheque to please him, as well as giving him his wife back.

20:16 And unto Layla, he wrote, "UR BLOKE IS NUTS. KILL HIM @ DA SOONEST OPPOR.. OPPER.. KILL THAT FAG." God saw what he was doing and broke Abimelech's arm.

20:17 So Abraham prayed unto God, who was pleased. He healed Abimelech and all his servants and even his dog, who had been hit by a car.

20:18 Unfortunately, the dog had died and was buried deep underground. As it suffocated and died again, scraping at its coffin, God noticed his mistake. He laughed.

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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2100