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The Book Of Genesis: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40  41 - 50

Genesis (v. 21 - 30)

21:1 God poked Layla, for it amused him muchly to do so.

21:2 As God poked her, Layla had a kid. Just like that.

21:3 God said “Call him Isaac, cos it sounds like Eye Sack. And that’s one funny fuckin phrase man.” Abraham agreed. Layla less so.

21:4 Isaac enjoyed his first eight days of life, until that fucking nudist cockless piece of shit Abraham cut the end of his knob off! He didn’t even get a say!

21:5 Abraham was exactly a hundred when Isaac was born. That would save on birthday presents.

21:6 Layla enjoyed shoving snooker balls up her ass.

21:7 God played snooker often.

21:8 Things got weird when God tried to play with 12 brown balls.

21:9 Hagar’s kid laughed at Layla. She was pissed, cos Hagar’s kid was Abraham’s lovechild. That cheating nudist cunt.

21:10 Layla went nuts, shooting snooker balls at Hagar and her child using what she called her Rectal Cannon.

21:11 Abraham was slightly unhappy about this arrangement. After all, the kid was his. And Layla was such an angry drunk.

21:12 God told Abraham that Isaac was his favourite, and maybe he should consider brutal murder of the other one. Abraham told God he had some issues.

21:13 God laughed.

21:14 Abraham sent Hagar and her kid away, with a 20lb sack of potatoes and a rocket launcher. She’d be ok.

21:15 The potatoes ran out. The rocket launcher was ornamental.

21:16 She threw her kid into a river. She was sick of that little bast.

21:17 God dragged him back to shore. “Is this yours?” he said.

21:18 God told her he’d order a pizza, and he’d only make her pay for half of it. She couldn’t say fairer than that.

21:19 God also took the rocket launcher. It was sweet!

21:20 So her kid grew up and became an archer. He enjoyed shooting down birds, planes and on one occasion, God himself. God was fucking pissed.

21:21 He lived in Paran. God had his eye on that one for a Brimstone Barbecue. That little shit.

21:22 Abimelech told Abraham he was secretly a woman. Abraham informed Abimelech that he was a mutant horsewasp farmer. Both of these things were true. Neither man laughed.

21:23 God kicked back and watched Friends. Mutterings of “I’d give her one” were commonplace whenever Jennifer Aniston was involved with God’s viewing.

21:24 With his other hand, God invented the 7/4 musical time signature. The drummers were pissed off.

21:25 Abimelech starts to build a biplane.

21:26 Abraham informs Abimelech that powered flight has yet to be invented.

21:27 Abimelech stopped building a biplane.

21:28 Abraham selected seven sheep from his flock. Seven gifted sheep.

21:29 The first sheep was a master of Kung Fu. The second sheep was good with knives. The third sheep’s speciality was demolitions. The fourth sheep made excellent pottery.

21:30 The final three sheep shat plastic.

21:31 Finally, they could make plastic cups. So many people got glassed on Friday nights nowadays.

21:32 Abimelech laughed at the freaky sheep. Abraham noticed Abimelech was actually a woman. A mutant horsewasp buzzed by.

21:33 So they decided to plant a forest, just a small one. As you do.

21:34 Abraham ends up living in the land of the Philistines. Philistine.

22:1 And after a while, God turned up and said "Good morning!" God was feeling in a good mood today.

22:2 He said, "Right, take your only son Isaac to the mines of Moria and.." Abraham held his breath. God said, ".. and have a jolly good time!"

22:3 Then God spake, "Only kidding. I want you to kill your son."

22:4 Abraham sighed. He was getting pretty tired of God's murderous rages. He tied his son to the roof of his VW Beetle and headed off to Moria.

22:5 Abraham saw a fellowship, who were trying to hitchhike someplace, but he just ignored them because they looked like they were about to be molested by a giant toad.

22:6 Upon arriving at Moria, Abraham took his son and tied him to a stake, surrounded him with wood and picked up a knife. "Don't worry son, nothing is gonna happen to you." Abraham lit a match.

22:7 And Isaac looked puzzled, saying, "Daddy? Daddy what's going on?" Tears were forming in his eyes as his voice wavered. God was absolutely wetting himself. This was better than Big Brother.

22:8 Suddenly, Legolas stumbled upon them. "Oh, you're having roast child?!" he cried, "I love roast child!" Isaac started sobbing. Abraham said, "He means he loves the coast when it's mild! COAST WHEN IT'S MILD!"

22:9 Legolas said, "No, I love roast child. Like this child. The one you're going to roast. That one there. The one crying. Man, he'll be juicy."

22:10 Abraham was getting pretty tired of his son crying, so he raised the knife to sacrifice his son.

22:11 And an angel came from heaven and said, "Abraham! Abraham! Hey dude!"

22:12 He continued to say, "Don't lay a hand on him!" But it was too late. He has plunged the knife deep into his son's arm.

22:13 "You crazy fuck!" cried Legolas, readying his bow. He pulled an arrow swiftly from his quiver and dropped it on the floor. "Shit," he mumbled, getting to his knees and looking for it.

22:14 And Abraham called the name of the place Jehovahjireh, but God overruled him saying that was a stupid name. He also made the point that there was nothing wrong with Moria in the first place. Legolas agreed.

22:15 So the angel, Legolas and Abraham all sat down and had a cup of tea. Frodo turned up, drunk, stoned and horny for Legolas.

22:16 Isaac was bleeding to death. He tried to call for help, but the tea kettle was pretty loud.

22:17 Frodo was fumbling towards Legolas' bulging erection. Abraham decided it was time to leave.

22:18 He picked up his son, who was pretty damp, on account of all the blood. God was going to commend Abraham on his devotion to his Lord, but he was playing Time Crisis.

22:19 Abraham picked up his son, who was still bleeding. He decided to insert the knife in the wound to stop it bleeding. In retrospect, he decided this probably wasn't a good idea.

22:20 As Abraham left Frodo and Legolas to fellate each other, he came upon a fearsome beast, one of living fire. Dark horns reached towards the high ceilings of Moria, which had caused tremendous heating bills for the dwarves.

22:21 The balrog appeared to be knitting.

22:22 And the balrog spake, "Oh, good evening! Pleasant tonight, isn't it? Is that your son? He sleeps so peacefully."

22:23 Abraham said, "Actually I think he's dead." The balrog nodded. Faint groaning sounds could be heard, followed shortly by a demand to "stick that chair leg up my ass." Abraham bid the balrog good evening and scurried off.

22:24 His son was losing a lot of blood, but Abraham had once heard that blood could be replaced by treacle. He was sure he had some in the car, just incase he needed to replace the engine oil. He'd once heard oil could be replaced by treacle.

23:1 Meanwhile, back at ground zero, Layla had dropped dead. Dropped that fucking bombshell on you didn’t I?

23:2 Layla died in Kirjatharba,

Something about Hebron,

Land of Canaan,

Moscow.

KI24 0BG

23:3 Abraham posted himself to his wife’s side. Unfortunately he took 3 months to arrive as he only had enough cash for a 94th class stamp and some biscuits. Fucking awesome biscuits.

23:4 He spoke to the sons of Hoth, Ice God of the Moony Mountain. He said thus: “O, Mighty sons of Hoth! Let me bury my wife on your grounds! She stinks!”

23:5 The sons of Hoth, Colin and Jasper, looked at each other. “Do you have a burial license?” said Colin.

23:6 Abraham questioned whether he needed a licence to bury a corpse. Jasper overruled Colin and a fucking great digger was fetched.

23:7 Colin continued. “The day we bring a dead bitch to your place, we expect the same.” Abraham explained that he lived in a tent and shovels gave him blisters in places he didn’t know he had. He was a nudist you know.

23:8 “Now then, what’s goin’ on ‘ere?” said God, zipping up his trousers. “We’re burying Layla, she died.” Said Abraham. “Bam goes my fun” retorted God.

23:9 Jasper explained that they had nowhere to bury her, because of the massive numbers of fatal accidents occurring nowadays. God whistled and scanned the skyline.

23:10 “There’s this sweet little cave, you could bury her there!” beamed God. Finally, that incestuous little shit Lot would pay.

23:11 Abraham had his eye on burial at sea himself. But there were no seas around here. God loved water balloons.

23:12 Abraham decided to take the cave and went about setting up a mortgage. These caves were Real Estate.

23:13 Abraham spoke with the mortgage advisor, Sparm.

23:14 Sparm was a wicked man. He stole from the poor and gave to vending machines. He was a multi-millionaire with two cars and a toothbrush. Nobody had a toothbrush!

23:15 “Now listen up.” Said Sparm. “The cave is four hundred shekels”. Abraham died, only to be brought back to life in an instant by God. That bastard.

23:16 “FOUR HUNDRED CUNT SHITTING SHEKELS!?” cried Abraham. For those not up on their biblical economics, the exchange rate of shekels to human limbs is about 1:2. Abraham was going to have to cut off about eight hundred arms to pay for this one.

23:17 In terms of real money, a shekel was about £6,000. (which at the current exchange rate is about $560,000,000). Abraham was understandably pissed.

23:18 And so it was that Abraham made Sparm, the gangly ratfaced mortgage vendor of the east, taste his golden wind. I’ll leave that open to interpretation. He was a nudist, you know.

23:19 With Sparm out of the way, Layla got buried, along with her favourite cat. Legend has it that purring can still be heard from the cave.

23:20 Colin and Jasper watched. A slight morsel of guilt crept into their minds about putting a live kitten into a cave. Oh well, they had lemonade. LEMONADE!

24:1 And Abraham was getting old. He shouted at small children and almost severed his finger with an envelope.

24:2 While he was licking an lemon, he pressed his rape alarm, which summoned Kevin.

24:3 And he said "..." because he had fallen asleep.

24:4 Kevin slapped him awake and Abraham wiped the drool from his chair.

24:5 Abraham did spake, "Kevin! Go to my son Isaac! Go to him and bring him a husband!"

24:6 And Kevin said, "You mean a wife? You mean a wife, right?"

24:7 Abraham coughed, "Er, yes. A wife. That's it."

24:8 Kevin did agree to this task and, before he left, he caught a spider and flushed it down the toilet. Abraham hated spiders. He was a nudist, you know.

24:9 He did take the spare key from the kitchen and left quietly, so as not to disturb the raccoons ravaging the dustbins.

24:10 He took ten camels, incase he got hungry along the way. He followed the signs for the A1305, which took him to Mesopotamia and the city of Nahor.

24:11 And Kevin did sit down near a well, because he knew all the women would go out for water. Kevin was cruising.

24:12 And Kevin did put on his shiny shoes and he did pray to God, saying "O Lord God, please send some hot chicks my way." God was all for this heterosexual promotion, so he obliged.

24:13 The camels prayed for something to eat, but God just laughed at them. Fucking camels.

24:14 While Kevin waited for the women to arrive, he heard faint sounds in the distance and lo, he realised he had arrived on the day Good Charlotte were playing at a festival for a majority of whining, self-obsessed, disillusioned, immoral, poor, smelly, ill mannered and generally quite ugly people.

24:15 And while Kevin waited, it came to pass that Rebekah appeared, who was born to Brianette, son of Michelin, the wife of Castrol, Abraham's brother. She was adept at storing water in her various cavities.

24:16 Rebekah was quite pretty and a virgin, which made her a prime candidate for a pop career.

24:17 And Kevin ran to meet her but accidentally set himself on fire with his lighter. He fell over screaming and rolling around.

24:18 And Rebekah did say, "Uhhhh, are you okay?"

24:19 To which Kevin did reply, "ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO I'M NOT I'M ON FIRE HELP ME YOU CRAZY WOMAN HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!111123"£$£"!"£$"$"££!

24:20 So she poured water all over him, creating a nice sizzling noise as his flesh charred. Rebekah giggled. Kevin decided to keep on screaming.

24:21 Kevin wondered if God had answered his prayers or was actually torturing him horribly for his own amusement. The answer, of course, was both.

24:22 He stood up, pulling a scorpion off his face. He looked at Rebekah and their eyes met. Cherry blossoms drifted from trees above and a gentle piano was heard, accompanied wonderfully by a violin.

24:23 And Kevin did say, "Whose daughter are you? Oh, tell me, may we lodge in your father's house this eve?" To which Rebekah replied, "My father died three weeks ago in a sulphur cargo accident." This led to a rather awkward silence.

24:24 Rebekah introduced herself, and Kevin took notes. It took him quite a while, because Rebekah had such a weird spelling of her name.

24:25 NOTE TO PARENTS: Do not give your children bizarre spellings of common names. It in no way enhances anyone’s life and dooms your child to a lifetime of saying, "No, that's a k. And with a h. No, at the end. No. Not there. No. Come here, I'll show you."

24:26 Kevin bowed his head, thanking the Lord. "Don't thank me," said God, "I set you on fire! Hahahaha!"

24:27 Kevin concluded that God was a real jerk, but kept it quiet. Not that it mattered, GOD SAW ALL. He resolved to torture Kevin a little more.

24:28 Rebekah randomly ran away back to her house, just to inform the family of things. Kevin stayed hanging around the well, hoping to score some action for himself.

24:29 And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Labia and Labia said, "Lo! I am Labia!" and then Labia fell down the well.

24:30 And Kevin did say, "Oh my god, are you okay?" but there was no answer, for the acoustics in wells are terrible.

24:31 Kevin looked around quickly and then shuffled away. He didn't want to have to fill out any police paperwork or anything.

24:32 And Kevin went into Rebekah's house at exactly the same time God decided to set him on fire again. Kevin spake, "Argghhhh FUCK NOT AGAIN OH MY GARRRRGHHHHH."

24:33 Rebekah threw soup all over him. Unfortunately, it was petrol soup.

24:34 "Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, it burns! IT BURNS MY VERY SOUL."

24:35 And God put him out, not out of kindness, but malice. It would be continued suffering to live with such charred flesh. God was a real bastard at times.

24:36 And they all spoke about something very uninteresting and probably about straw and someone called Sarah. Nobody wondered where Labia had gone.

24:37 Kurt Cobain sat down at the table and began quietly eating prawn crackers.

24:38 And Rebekah said, "This is a very long chapter. I can see you being set on fire several more times." And Kevin agreed, for being set on fire was a very dependable gag in times where gags are hard to come by.

24:39 Kevin said hello to Kurt Cobain, but Kurt did not hear him. "What did you say?" asked Kurt, to which Kevin replied, "Nevermind."

24:40 And Kevin explained the situation of having to find a wife for Isaac. Rebekah shrieked, "A wedding?! But what shall I wear?!" To which Kurt Cobain replied, "Oh, just come as you are."

24:41 Rebekah seemed doubtful, but she didn't say no. Kurt Cobain offered Kevin some tea. "What kind?" asked Kevin. Kurt replied, "Pennyroyal."

24:42 "So how about it?" asked Kevin. Rebekah umm'ed and aah'ed and Kevin was getting very impatient. To avoid him killing her, Kurt bought out a big cheese.

24:43 And so it came to pass that Kevin, servant of Abraham, Rebekah, daughter of someone and Kurt Cobain, frontman for Nirvana all ate a rather large cheese.

24:44 They'd have nightmares.

24:45 But not about Labia. Nobody cared about Labia.

24:46 Becoming rather tired of Rebekah, Kevin looked out of the window. It was pretty dull outside, because they were on a plain. He couldn't complain.

24:47 And Kevin decided to advance the plot a little, so he said, "Rebekah, daughter of whoever, come with me and marry Isaac." And Rebekah was silent.

24:48 To pass the time, Kurt produced a guitar and began singing a slow, gentle song about a nothing in particular but nevertheless managed to fill the room with whining, sentimental nonsense which nobody cared about. John Lennon's mother told him to shut up.

24:49 And Kevin said, "Well, how about it?" and Rebekah bit her lip and twiddled her thumbs and kneaded her toes and adjusted her scalp, saying, "I'll ask my mother."

24:50 Rebekah left the room to find her mother and Kevin casually enquired of Kurt Cobain, "What's with her?" To which Kurt replied, "I dunno, she's being pretty weird. Maybe she's having an aneurysm."

24:51 Kevin thought this was a pretty strange thing to say, so he stopped talking to Kurt.

24:52 And Rebekah's mother, Polly, entered and said, "Take Rebekah away. Kill her, marry her off, I don't care, I'm sick of her."

24:53 And so it was settled. Kevin bought forth a heart shaped box for Rebekah, which sealed the deal. The box contained a bomb.

24:54 And all night they ate and drank together, with Kurt Cobain eventually getting drunk and singing a selection of hits by the Spice Girls, which was very embarrassing.

24:55 Suddenly, Labia appeared, dripping wet. Polly asked if he'd fallen down the well again and he said yes. Everyone agreed he was pretty dumb.

24:56 The family of Rebekah said, "You must stay a while!" and Kevin was surprised, because it's always kind of spooky when a group of people say the same thing at the same time.

24:57 Kevin politely refused, trying to get away from Kurt Cobain as fast as possible.

24:58 And the family called Rebekah and said, "Will thou go?" and she replied, "No." So they sprayed her with a hosepipe until she agreed.

24:59 And they sent Rebekah away with a French maid outfit, a collection of coins and a knife.

24:60 And they blessed Rebekah and said unto her, "Don't come back."

24:61 Rebekah was a little upset and spoke to her family, "Do you really hate me that much? I'm really that bad, aren't I?" to which her mother replied, "You know you're right."

24:62 And then, for no readily apparent reason, Isaac was outside. He was sitting amongst the flowers, for he liked them when they were in bloom.

24:63 And he was reading a book about a girl, when he beheld the camels riding towards him. He verily shat himself.

24:64 Rebekah saw Isaac and leapt off the camel. "Rape me!" she cried. Isaac ran away, for this was getting pretty fucking weird.

24:65 Kevin quickly ran over and explained everything that had happened. In a thoughtful moment of reflection, Isaac threw out his Hole CDs.

24:66 And Isaac and Rebekah retired to his tent where, to put it mildly, they began to breed. Then they got married, which was convenient.

24:67 And Rebekah said, "Thank God that's over with!" God blushed, Isaac lit a cigarette and the author collapsed into a heap, mumbling something about teen spirit.

25:1 Abraham stepped back from the cave. The cat’s screams were grating on him. “Right, time for a new wife!” he said remorselessly. His new bitch was called Kentucky.

25:2 They had six kids, just to spite Layla, she was ginger. They were named Twix, Bolero, Gritspreader, Spharg, Monetary Unit and Stinu.

25:3 Twix gave birth to Scarface and Lemonrind. Bolero gave birth to Clagnut, Spanker and Peem.

25:4 Gritspreader had 6 kids: Otis, Bernard, Pocket, Lexmark, Dronsal and Mr Sheen. Stinu gave birth to a swarm of flies.

25:5 Abraham left everything he had to Isaac. His new kids were uglier than him.

25:6 Abraham was approaching death, he had Ebola. He didn’t tell anyone so he could spread the warmth.

25:7 Abraham lived for one hundred and thirty five years. It feels like so much longer, having written about EVERY FUCKING EVENT.

25:8 Then one day, while he was stealing from Don Horzeola’s olive grove, he dropped dead.

25:9 His sons Isaac and Ishmael brought his body back to Hoth, the Ice God. “Room for another one?” they said.

25:10 So it was that Abraham was buried in the cave with his first wife, Layla. The sound of a cat being strangled was heard shortly after.

25:11 Isaac disliked Ishmael, for Ishmael had a bigger COCK. Isaac questioned the author’s bluntness in this situation. He explained that Isaac should shut the fuck up and live in Lahairoi.

25:12 Ishmael was particularly well endowed, because he was the son of Hagar, Layla’s handmaid. She had a large penis also.

25:13 Now, Ishmael had a lot of kids. And they had kids. Then they had kids. But it’s really not interesting.

25:14 God glanced down upon the earth and saw that it was good. “Whoa, Déjà vu” he said, then forgot what he came into the room for.

25:15 God, of course, had the biggest cock of all. He wasn’t about to let one of his creations beat him in that department.

25:16 God often teabagged whole cities with his monstrous sack, just to show he could.

25:17 Certain people went around writing about people’s families. They put it into certain large books which certain people are rewriting.

25:18 The whole family tree sections of these books verily did piss off the rewriters of these frankly sub-par texts.

25:19 I mean, who wants to know the names of people you’re never going to hear again? God certainly didn’t, he began a mass cull of all insignificant people in the east.

25:20 So anyway, Isaac was forty odd when he bagged Rebekah, one of stupid name.

25:21 But Rebekah was frigid. God understood Isaac’s distress. The bitch would soon understand too.

25:22 So she got pregnant, with twins. One white kid and one red kid. Isaac questioned how God’s ultrasound saw in colour.

25:23 So God said something about them forming two different nations and one serving the other. You know, maybe the world would be substantially less fucked up if God just let people have kids normally.

25:24 When they were born, Isaac said “Whoa! Twins!”. God muttered.

25:25 The first one to emerge from the hairy pit was Ugly… As… Fuck. They called it Ugly.

25:26 The second kid was less ugly, but still pretty gruesome. They called him Jacob. Finally, another name you recognise eh?

25:27 Ugly was a hunning cunter… Or a cunning hunter, while Jacob was a simple man who lived in a tent. Why does this seem familiar?

25:28 Isaac preferred Ugly, cos he was a MAN. Rebekah preferred Jacob, cos he was a ladyboy.

25:29 Ugly came in from the field one day, he claimed to have been attacked by Indians. “I need food!” he said to Jacob.

25:30 “Those fucking Indians eh?” said Jacob. Ugly told him he hated him.

25:31 Jacob told Ugly he would feed him, if he sold his soul to him.

25:32 “What the hell do you want with my soul?” asked Ugly. Jacob preferred it if he wouldn’t ask questions.

25:33 Eventually, after much scrotal abuse, Ugly sold his soul to Jacob, who pickled it.

25:34 So Jacob fed Ugly and Ugly went on his way, feeling decidedly empty inside. There was also a strange stabbing pain in his arse and he kept hallucinating dead faces in the sky. Perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea.

26:1 And there was a great famine through all the land. God put his hand on his forehead. "Déjà vu! Again!" A black cat walked by.

26:2 Isaac went to see that son of a bitch Abimelech, but God leapt into his way. "No! Do not go into Egypt! Dwell in the land I tell thee of!" Isaac protested, saying "I was just visiti--" but God threw a postbox at him.

26:3 And God said, "Now listen. I don't really like you, but I like Abraham because he was a nudist and I like his style, so I'm going to be nice to you."

26:4 God continued, "You will live in Gerar." There was silence. Some tumbleweed rolled past. "What the fuck kind of a place is Gerar?!" cried Isaac. God laughed.

26:5 God suddenly stopped laughing, and pointed an AK47 at Isaac, "Now listen. Don't fuck me around. This gun is loaded." And to prove it he shot an already rather distressed postman in the distance.

26:6 Isaac soon set up camp in Gerar. He bought the local paper, which was called The Gerar Grindlecake.

26:7 All people in Gerar came to visit and asked of Rebekah, but Isaac said she was his sister, lest they killed him for his wife. Obvious Isaac had never listened to his father, or he wouldn't be repeating this bloody ridiculous fiasco.

26:8 And Abimelech, who wasn't going to fall for that shit again, saw what Isaac was up to. He sent him an angry email.

26:9 And Abimelech said, "Look, you cock, I know she's your wife, so don't give us that bullshit about sisters. Do you know what happened when your dad came over here and pulled that shit with me?! I had God all over my ass!"

26:10 Isaac wondered how old Abimelech was. He was told to shut the fuck up.

26:11 And so Abimelech said to his people, "Look, I know it's NEVER happened before but I'm gonna say it anyway, for the benefit of the retard family here. Don't kill this man or his wife, right?"

26:12 So Isaac sowed in that land or, in English, had a lot of unprotected sex. God was pleased. Pervert.

26:13 And Isaac was also pleased, because his wife's orgasms could be heard for miles around. He was considering becoming a nudist.

26:14 However, his wife informed him that nobody wants to see a flaccid penis, no matter how good in bed he was. Isaac grew wiser.

26:15 The Philistines were jealous, for Isaac possessed both length and girth. They filled his wells up with sand.

26:16 And Abimelech sent unto Isaac another angry email saying, "Bugger off, you're causing trouble. I mean, you're so awesome, we can't stand to have you near us. So bugger off.

Love,

Abimelech

xox"

26:17 And Isaac sadly went and moved further down the valley. His wife's orgasms could no longer be heard by all, which was good news for everyone, especially as she sounded like a horse being murdered when she climaxed.

26:18 And Isaac digged wells which had been dug in the times of his father. Isaac shuddered, and named them all "Fucking nudist bastard father."

26:19 Suddenly, Yossarian ran by, asking for directions to Sweden. Isaac didn't really know what he was talking about, so he decided to have sex with his wife some more.

26:20 Rebekah was cooking steaks outside, which attracted wasps. Isaac tried to fight them all, but was wounded.

26:21 Rebekah demanded he bought her a vibrator.

26:22 And he lamented, "But when thouest discovers the joys of vibration, thou will never return to me!"

26:23 Rebekah told him to stop whining, vibration wasn't that good.

26:24 And while Isaac was laid bandaged, trying to block out the whirring sounds, God appeared unto him. "Hahaha, tough break with the wasps, eh? Hahaha! Look, don't worry, I'm here for you." God suddenly disappeared and Isaac was not comforted.

26:25 And Isaac instructed an altar to be built, but it was pretty late so all his servants were rather drunk and so they had produced a large collection of rocks with a small cake on top.

26:26 Then Abimelech turned up, with some random people he rather enjoyed playing poker with.

26:27 And Isaac said unto him, "Oh god what the hell do you want now?! You've already driven me to this valley, which means it's bloody ages to walk for a pint of milk."

26:28 And Abimelech said, "Well, we saw God come down and, uh, well, we thought we could, sort of.. make up, you know?"

26:29 Isaac was delighted, saying, "So I came come back to the city?!" to which Abimelech replied, "No. That is still not an option."

26:30 As a symbol of their friendship, Abimelech gave Isaac some food vouchers and said, "Hey, what's the buzzing noise?"

26:31 And Isaac said, "Nothing! It's nothing! Hahaha!" and he ushered them out, past the altar.

26:32 Abimelech stole the small cake which was on top. God saw this and was neither pleased or displeased. His attitude to the entire Cake Affair was somewhat neutral.

26:33 Rebekah reached orgasm.

26:34 This rather distressed the horses.

26:35 Isaac was sad, because she'd reached it much quicker than usual.

27:1 So, one day, Isaac was pruning the hedge. Which was a fucking stupid idea considering how old he was. He glanced over the top of the bushy outcrop to see what he could see. And what did he see?

27:2 He saw not one, but two 4mm air rifle bullets. Coming straight for his eyes. And verily, they did strike him. Strike him fucking good.

27:3 “ARARGGHHHHAGHGAHHAGAGHAGHG” quoth Isaac, and was much maligned to learn that he was blind. He called his son Ugly over to him.

27:4 “I’ve gone blind. So go and shoot me some deer before I die will you?” Ugly packed his air rifle and went on his way.

27:5 So Ugly fucked off. Rebekah came in and complained that Isaac was bleeding all over the carpet. Isaac swung and missed.

27:6 Rebekah exited and found Jacob, playing with a barrel. She said “Hey, your dad just told your brother to go shoot some deer!”

27:7 Jacob was pissed. “THAT BASTARD!” He quoth, angrily. “I’M GOING TO GO AND SHOOT SOME BABY OWLS!” Rebekah had raised him good.

27:8 Rebekah told him she had a better idea.

27:9 “Go and fetch me three goats from the flock. A red one, a green one and an epileptic one”.

27:10 “Then, cos your dad is blind, you can feed him goat instead of deer, cos he’ll think you’re Ugly!”

27:11 “You know my dad is allergic to Goat, right?” he queried. Rebekah had stopped listening.

27:12 Jacob raised the point that he had a smaller cock than Ugly. And because Isaac loved to touch them so, he would be uncovered. Literally.

27:13 “Shut the fuck up and fetch my spacky goats” said Rebekah, not a little enraged.

27:14 By the power of Greyskull, Jacob fetched the goats.

27:15 “Cheers big ears” said Rebekah, upon Jacob’s return. Jacob sliced his ears off.

27:16 Rebekah prepared some lovely death-filled goat meat. She saved the cocks, stitching them together and then onto Jacob’s cock. It was like having Abraham around again.

27:17 She gave the meat and a diet Tango to Jacob. Now, go, and feed that blind sonofabitch.

27:18 “Yo, man” said Jacob. Isaac questioned his identity. “It’s Ugly” said Jacob. “Oh right” said Isaac. He was a very trusting man, considering his eyes had just been shot out.

27:19 Isaac asked if he had brought him some dead deer to put his cock inside. Rebekah and Jacob had entirely misunderstood the situation here.

27:20 “Yeah, yeah I got the deer” said Jacob, trying to think quickly and failing.

27:21 Isaac beckoned Jacob closer, so that he could bring him the first deer, and also curiously touch him.

27:22 Jacob’s brain lapsed back to the one solution he could think of for this predicament. “Uh, I, Can’t come near you father, for I have worms, all over my face. And nobody wants worms on their face!”

27:23 Isaac understood, he didn’t want no worms. “Just throw me the deer then” he continued. This fit perfectly into Jacob’s scheme, which gutted him slightly.

27:24 So Jacob glanced at Rebekah, who was laughing. And verily, he cast himself off the footstool and into the lap of his father.

27:25 “Wow, it’s still warm!” said Isaac. Jacob was glad that he had learnt to throw his voice in school. “Yes. Lovely” he said.

27:26 And so it was that Jacob received an anal intrusion of epic proportions from his blind father. Isaac wasn’t the only one bleeding when he was finished.

27:27 “Phwoar!” said Isaac. “You sure do pick the best deer, Ugly!”. Jacob kept his mouth shut. Rebekah was going to pay for this.

27:28 “Infact, that deer was SO good…” he rambled. “I am going to give you this 12 shot semi automatic nail gun” Jacob felt a little less aggrieved.

27:29 Also, Isaac presented him with a box of ratchet attachments and an adjustable torque wrench. Jacob was still pretty spiffed with the nail gun.

27:30 Twelve shots… but for whom? One had Rebekah’s name on it already. Seriously, he’d carved it in.

27:31 Just then, Ugly walked in, The real one. He said “Whooooo-eeee! Got me some SEXYHOT deer!” Jacob buried his head in his hands.

27:32 “What the fuck?” said Isaac. “I already had one!”. Then, in true movie style, his face turned from bleeding agony and general deer invoked satisfaction to bleeding agony and general confusion.

27:33 Jacob started to smash his head on the wall. “Who’s there!?” asked Isaac. Ugly informed him that it was Ugly and that he’d been deceived by Jacob, pretending to be Ugly. And Isaac did speak “Oh”.

27:34 Ugly was puzzled however, there appeared to be no deer apart from his own and a curious goat sandwich that was fitting furiously on the floor.

27:35 So Isaac told him how his brother, Jacob the DECIEVER had brought in a better deer, which he had fucked. And had now taken the prizes which were intended for Ugly. Ugly felt this wasn’t quite the case.

27:36 “So what you mean to tell me.” Said Ugly. “Is that I was forced to sell my soul to this cock, and now he has my nail gun?!” Isaac agreed it was something like that yeah.

27:37 “So, now that he owns your soul and your nail gun; what can I do for you?” Ugly confessed there was probably nothing he could do, except stop Jacob pointing the nail gun at his legs.

27:38 “Jacob. Stop pointing that at your brother’s legs!” Isaac demanded. “Ok, I have” said Jacob, maintaining his aim. Stupid blind father.

27:39 “Dad, he’s still pointing it at me” moaned Ugly, but Isaac had fallen asleep. Not that you could tell, with the state his face was in.

27:40 “Dad. Listen. I’m scared. Dad? DAD? DAD!?? DAAAARARFAFHGHHHGHGHHHHHGHGHH” said Ugly, before being stopped prematurely by a short bolt of metal passing through his ankle.

27:41 “You little CUNT!” said Ugly, in a frankly unnecessary display of profanity. It was probably justified though. The nail was barbed, to stop your wardrobes falling to bits.

27:42 Ugly dragged himself into the kitchen. He told Rebekah that he was going to kill Jacob as soon as the opportunity arose. This was probably a stupid idea as Rebekah was definitely on Jakey’s side.

27:43 Rebekah told Jacob. He was still too busy laughing. Plus he had the nail gun.

27:44 Rebekah told him it would probably be a good idea to go and live with a relative. She was sick of him. And Ugly was pretty pissed too.

27:45 Jacob agreed she was probably right. Ugly started to eat the curtains in pain.

27:46 Rebekah told Isaac the whole half hour story of what happened and what was going to happen; tactically leaving out the deer switch part. Isaac simply answered “Who’s there!?”

28:1 Isaac was somewhat delirious and infected with germs, so he called unto Jacob and said, "Don't marry a daughter of Canaan!"

28:2 He continued to say that he should go to Padanaram, that he should not pass go and should not collect £200. Isaac found this wildly amusing until he inhaled a wasp.

28:3 Jacob carefully balanced a pillow on Isaac's face and left. He'd been meaning to leave anyway. Ever since Isaac's incapacitation, his mother had had accidentally stumbled in on him wanking more than fifty times.

28:4 He suspected the worse and was sadly correct. Rebekah was horny.

28:5 And Isaac shouted, "Are you still here?!" Jacob apologised, gathered his belongings, dropped a spider into Isaac's glass and left.

28:6 This really wasn't Ugly's day. Not only had all this shit happened with Jacob being blessed with a nail gun, but he'd just been hitting on a woman who, after five minutes, four drinks, three blocks, two words and one condom, turned out to be a man.

28:7 Meanwhile, Jacob was negotiating with a cab driver having arrived in Padanaram. He said, "You fucking heroin addict, that says thirty, not three hundred, now give me my fucking change, you cocking bastard."

28:8 Ugly was pouring bleach over his groin when a priest walked by. Ugly questioned how there could be a priest in a pre-New Testament world.

28:9 The priest disappeared in a puff of logic. Ugly stole his watch.

28:10 And Jacob generally wandered around a bit more, being shadowed by his horny mother. She wanted him. So bad.

28:11 And he found a certain place and decided to sleep there. A prostitute approached him. "Looking for a good time?" she said. Jacob leapt to his feet. "Mom!?" he cried. She trudged away, defeated.

28:12 After a mug of Horlicks he fell asleep and had a dream. It was about a ladder which went to heaven. Also he dreamed that one day he would lead his African-American brothers to the promised land.

28:13 Only one of these would come true. God was disappointed. He was looking forward to pushing someone off a very tall ladder.

28:14 And being as God was disappointed, he appeared in Jacob's dream, told him to place his seed in the land, all the usual stuff, then he thrust a giant dripping tampon down his throat.

28:15 God couldn't stop laughing, he really couldn't.

28:16 Jacob woke up, screaming.

28:17 He said, "Oh my, that was the worst fucking dream ever. But at least my African-American brothers got to the promised land." He clenched his fist and looked into the sunrise. A single, silver tear dropped to the ground.

28:18 Being as he'd slept on a rock that night he was now covered in scorpions.

28:19 He decided to name the place Bethel, which is actually an acronym for Bloody 'Ell, This Hurts Extra Lavishly. Everyone agreed it was pretty stupid, the author most of all.

28:20 Jacob vowed something to God. He wasn't listening, so Jacob sent him an instant message, but God was set to away. He emailed him, but the address bounced.

28:21 He sent him some snail mail, but the postman was dead.

28:22 Jacob gave up and threw some scorpions at his mother, who was naked and stimulating herself where Jacob had been lying.

29:1 Jacob fucked off, and came all over some dead cattle he found in the road. I mean, he came to the lands of the people of the east. He decided it sounded mystical. Like unicorns.

29:2 He looked to the east, in the east of the lands of the people of the east. Jacob got dizzy. But he saw a well, with three herds of sheep loitering around it.

29:3 The three flocks were named Emhradil – Sheep of the River Nahrl; Spimocoul – Sheep which perform dentistry and Urghonep – Sheep which catch fire slightly too easily.

29:4 Just then, the stone which covered the well slid to one side. A small girl with black hair, wearing a torn white dress emerged. Jacob’s mobile telephone rang.

29:5 As Jacob took the call, which sounded like a strange old woman, the girl took a man from the village and tore off his face. She wore it like a mask and danced back down the well.

29:6 As soon as Jacob was done, he spoke to this dude and asked where Laban was. Laban was Rebekah’s brother, so Jacob used his name sparingly.

29:7 Jacob asked what the meaning of the three herds of sheep was. The village went silent. “We do not speak of… certain things”. Jacob looked afraid.

29:8 Jacob asked what the deal with the sheep was anyway. The people of the village backed away from him, and slowly moved into their homes. Jacob found this disconcerting to say the least.

29:9 When he turned to look at the well, the three flocks were arranged in a semicircle infront of him, about three feet (0.0023628753 cubits) away.

29:10 Three sheep, one from each flock, strode forward and they spoke in harmony. And this is what they spake…

29:11 “Hello”. The Emhradil sheep was slightly flat of the G sharp he should have hit. He produced a whip and began to beat himself.

29:12 Jacob greeted the sheep and asked how he could be of service. “We’d quite like a drink, if that’s not too much bother” they chimed, descending in a C melodic minor scale.

29:13 So Jacob lifted the stone from the well and punched the young girl, who was waiting, in the face. She went crashing to the depths, sending up a plume of water, which filled the sheep’s troughs. “Cheers” they said, making up a C#add9 chord as they did so.

29:14 So Jacob left the sheep and found Laban. He had a shit hot daughter, Rachel; who was technically his cousin, but who’s counting? Jacob shacked up with Laban. This was going to be AWESOME.

29:15 Jacob and Laban were sitting around a fire, playing scrabble, one night when Jacob spoke. He said “How much for your daughter, Rachel?”. Laban stroked his slimy beard. “Seven years hard time” he replied.

29:16 Hard time was a metaphorical term in the lands of the people of the east.

29:17 Laban had two daughters. Rachel, the shithot megababe from well-blow-me-down-and-fuck-my-ass-with-a-sword-made-of-acid-what-a-sexy-bitch land. And Leah, who was more of a disappointment.

29:18 Jacob agreed to seven years hard time. The neighbours could be heard cheering.

29:19 So it was that Jacob was led to the stocks in the village square and a face shackle was applied. Once his shackled head and hands were in the stocks, his trousers were removed, his ass lubed up, and the festival began.

29:20 Seven years passed. And the ring of Jacob was so large that it would accept the planet Jupiter, had he known it existed and were it not comprised of gas.

29:21 So on Christmas day of the seventh year, they held a festival, where Jacob’s ass took the entire population of the village at once. Then he was released and his face unshackled.

29:22 As the shackle fell, the soggy pillow which Jacob had been biting for seven long years finally fell from his jaws. He felt… tired.

29:23 Laban arranged for Leah to marry Jacob. Jacob wasn’t paying attention, he had gone temporarily blind.

29:24 As the night fell, the villagers were fearful as strange sounds were heard from the three flocks. However, it was merely Jacob, squatting over the well, shitting out seven years worth of semen. The girl in the well was displeased. A lot of people would be getting phone calls tonight.

29:25 So in the morning, when Jacob awoke and saw his bride, whom he had secretly been married to in the night. “What the fuck is this?” he said.

29:26 Laban explained that it was against tradition in these lands to marry off your youngest daughter before your firstborn.

29:27 “FUCK TRADITION” explained Jacob, carefully. “This feels a little too much like marrying my cousin. At least with Rachel I could kind of look past it”. Rachel did have exceptional tits

29:28 Laban compromised. “Ok, another week in the stocks and you can have them both for wives!” Jacob put on the face shackle.

29:29 So after a week of the usual punishment. Jacob had his wives. He sure hoped Leah could iron.

29:30 Rachel would do anything Jacob wanted. Leah wouldn’t. Frigid bitch.

29:31 God, seeing this bias, decided it would be funny to intervene. He made Rachel infertile and knocked Leah up. “Lets see how the little bastard gets out of this one!” he said.

29:32 Leah had a kid and called him Reuben. Jacob thought this odd, as he only ever had sex with Leah when Rachel was in hospital having her dialysis. And even then, he fucked her in the eye. In the EYE.

29:33 To prove a point, God made her pregnant again. This time she had Simeon, who was green. God pissed himself.

29:34 Her third son was called Levi. He made jeans. Jacob still wasn’t getting the point.

29:35 Her fourth son was called Judah. By this time, Jacob was fucking Leah only when he REALLY had to, and he was wearing 42 condoms. After sex, he dunked her in bleach for 6 minutes. To no avail, clearly.

30:1 Rachel saw that she couldn't bare Jacob children. She was jealous of her sister and said to Jacob, "Fuck me, baby. Fuck me and knock me up, or I'm going to kill myself."

30:2 Jacob was pretty pissed off with Rachel. He said, "Look, it's not my fault God is a fucking bastard!" Luckily, God was occupied with paedophilia, so he let it slide.

30:3 Rachel thought of a plan. As was typical of these biblical times, it was a completely stupid plan. She said, "Go to my maid Bilhah, bend her over this desk and make babies." Jacob was not going to argue.

30:4 And so it came to pass that Jacob gave Bilhah a good shagging, the event made more interesting by the birthmark on her lower back which precisely resembled the PCB layout of a Nokia 6 series mobile phone.

30:5 A bit of time passed, Jacob earned from some short term investments and Bilhah gave birth. Jacob witnessed the entire thing and suddenly didn't really want to have sex ever again.

30:6 And Rachel said, "O God hath judged me and heard my voice and given me this son and I shall call him.." distant thunder rumbled ".. Dan!"

30:7 Bilhah conceived again. Jacob had closed his eyes, though.

30:8 Rachel announced the name of this child, and it was Naphtali. Jacob resolved never to let Rachel name the kids in future. Or pick the colour of the carpets.

30:9 Leah was feeling pretty left out, so she ordered items from a mail order catalogue. Keeping up the tradition of absolutely ridiculous things to go, she gave Jacob her maid, Zilpah.

30:10 The usual routine, interrupted by a bookcase falling down, and Zilpah popped one out.

30:11 Leah called him Gad. Jacob was suffering extreme sexual exhaustion, so he couldn't even give that bitch a knuckle sandwich.

30:12 Dorian Grey came over for tea. He was looking better than ever. Zilpah popped another one out. Right at the table. "Shitting crap! Don't nobody wanna see that shit," commented Dorian, pulling umbilical cord out of his tea.

30:13 Leah was ecstatic, but that was largely due to the tax evasion she was currently implementing. I call the new child Asher.

30:14 "He shall be a Pokémon trainer, the best there ever was," said Leah. Jacob told her to shut up and wash the dishes. In response to this sexism, Leah threw a plate, a jug and Asher at him. Blood everywhere.

30:15 They returned from a lengthy hospital visit. The amount of time there had been excessively largely due to the doctor who spoke no English, Welsh or Esperanto.

30:16 In the end, he communicated by sign language. There had been much amusement when he accidentally indicated he had to cut Asher's legs off.

30:17 Jacob said he should do it anyway, but the doctor politely refused. At least, Jacob thought he did.

30:18 God suddenly decided to fuck up the planet even more, so he made Leah pregnant again. This one was called Issachar, which actually sounds like a question if you say it out loud.

30:19 God was not satisfied, so he made Leah give birth to Zebulun, who was half man, half machine.

30:20 And Leah said, "What does it mean? What does it mean?"

30:21 For some reason, she then gave birth to a daughter. This even caught God by surprise. She was named Dinah and was sadly destined to a lifetime of food related jokes.

30:22 And God remembered Rachel who was trying to slit her wrists in the bath. He stopped her and opened her womb. Rachel tried to call the police.

30:23 God cut the phonelines and, a little while later, she gave birth to a son. Jacob was swanning around, asking "Why do you keep interfering? You just keep messing things up."

30:24 Rachel called her son Joseph. God kept smiling at her, but she didn't know why. Nevertheless, Joseph was born. Joseph was his name.

30:25 Jacob was getting pretty sick and tired of all this. He couldn't make a cup of tea without stumbling upon a sink full of afterbirth.

30:26 It certainly put him off his tea. So anyway, Jacob was fucking off.

30:27 Laban, who was sneaking around his house said unto him, "Can I have your claw hammer?"

30:28 And Jacob refused, for he was taking his claw hammer with him.

30:29 Just incase Rachel tried to follow him.

30:30 He was gonna claw her nose off.

30:31 He really was.

30:32 So Jacob left in the middle of the night. Only his watch was wrong, so it was 4AM. No wonder he was so tired.

30:33 He popped some caffeine pills. Only because he was so tired he accidently took female contraceptive pills. He figured he'd be okay. He'd dealt with massive internal bleeding before.

30:34 Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Jacob's mother, Rebekah leapt out. Before he could even speak she had pulled his trousers down and was jerking him off.

30:35 And Jacob cried, "What the fuck, mom?!" but she did not respond, because now she was sucking him off. Jacob left her to it, then realised it was his mother. He hit her on the head with his hammer.

30:36 Jacob pulled up his trousers, said sorry, called an ambulance and ran away. This was turning out to be one messed up series of events, thoughts reflected by the author and probably most of the audience.

30:37 Jacob ran and kept running. He ran from leopards who were chasing him very slowly.

30:38 He didn't fancy going into hammer combat against a slow running leopard, even if he had just clubbed his horny mother half to death.

30:39 God placed a turd down in front of Jacob, who promptly slipped over and fractured his hammer.

30:40 The leopard began gnawing at his rubber soles. Jacob screamed, screamed and then screamed some more. After enough screaming had been done, he clubbed the leopard to death.

30:41 Laban drove past in a humvee and said hello to Jacob, who said, "Hey, can you give me a ride?" Laban asked where to.

30:42 And Jacob said, "Well, actually I don't know. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing or what's going on."

30:43 And Laban replied, "Ah, sounds like you're in the bible! Ha!" Jacob shared in the mirth, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. In the bible, indeed!

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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2133