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The Book Of Genesis: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40  41 - 50

Genesis (v. 31 - 40)

31:1 Meanwhile, Laban’s sons were pissed. “Jacob has taken away our hot sister (and our less hot one too!)” Jacob failed to see their point.

31:2 Laban’s sons poisoned Laban’s mind against Jacob. Jacob smote them. Smote them all.

31:3 As he was about to crush one of them beneath his heel, God spoke to Jacob. And he said “Let him go, fucksake, he’s only four!”

31:4 Jacob agreed that God made an excellent point. God told him to go home. Jacob had a sneaky last kick at the fallen child. God growled.

31:5 So Jacob got Leah and Rachel, and told them their Dad was a fag, and he was dissin' him behind his back. And they concurred that that shit just ain’t right!

31:6 So Jacob dug a vast trench, then covered it in sand coloured tarpaulin. Laban was gonna get such a surprise when he drove to work the next day!

31:7 Once his trap was finished, Jacob had sex with Leah and Rachel at the same time. But more with Rachel, for Leah was excessively hideous today.

31:8 God ate a Kinder surprise. The entire thing. Because the toy was rubbish.

31:9 Jacob finished having sex and sat in his sitting chair, wearing his sitting hat, eating Salt n Shake crisps.

31:10 God asked Jacob for a crisp.

31:11 “Gizza Crisp” he did say.

31:12 Jacob turned him down.

31:13 “Get your fucking own, old man!” he responded.

31:14 God killed Jacob in an extremely painful fashion involving hot piano wire, and then resurrected him.

31:15 He did this one thousand times, then stole Jacob’s crisps.

31:16 Thence followed a question and answer session between God and Jacob. Mainly comprising of God querying “Who’s the fuckin’ man!?” and Jacob wearily responding “You are, You are”.

31:17 After six years of this, God eventually said “And don’t you forget it”. That would teach Jacob for hoarding the Salt n Shake.

31:18 Jacob remembered that he was pissed at Laban for being a Fag0r. So he put his wives and children into a transit van and fucked off.

31:19 So the next day, Laban went to masturbate over his collection of “Blue tack weekly”. He particularly enjoyed the articles.

31:20 But alas, his collection, along with his collection of bottle tops and his finest combine harvester had been stolen. By Jacob, no less.

31:21 Laban was pissed. He loved those blue tacked bitches. So he got in his Punto and chased Jacob across the plains.

31:22 He stopped at a service station and paid 35 pounds for a slice of toast and a bacon omelette.

31:23 When he emerged from the services, he noticed a blue and green transit van. He thought it was odd that he should notice that. But he carried on to his car regardless.

31:24 As he was unlocking his fine vehicle, he glanced across and saw Jacob, walking to his van with an armful of cereal bars.

31:25 Jacob and Laban both paused. Jacob dropped his snacks. Laban stepped back from the car.

31:26 Jacob produced a 9mm pistol and shot Laban twice in the face.

31:27 The splattered pieces of Laban’s skull turned into a silver liquid and reformed with his foot. His head repaired itself.

31:28 Jacob hadn’t counted on this happening.

31:29 Laban reached under his car and produced a small submachinegun. He emptied a clip at Jacob, who dodged the bullets with ease.

31:30 This was going to get tricky.

31:31 And so, for three whole days, they fought with samurai swords. It was all rather futile.

31:32 Eventually, after the fourteenth occurrence of Laban’s head being sliced off, they gave up and talked like adults.

31:33 “Alright, alright. Lets stop all this silly fighting. You just give me my daughters back, then walk off to your doom.” Said Laban. He wasn’t great at negotiation.

31:34 “How about you go drink a nice warm cup of ‘Fuck the fucking fuck off’” retorted Jacob.

31:35 Laban informed Jacob he would die for his insolence.

31:36 Jacob questioned Laban’s idea. Hadnt they just been fighting in sheer futility not 5 minutes previously?

31:37 Laban concurred that this was a fair point. He recommended a thumb war. Jacob won.

31:38 For three and twenty minutes, Jacob did taunt Laban, “Whooo the fuckin ‘ell are you!? Who the fuckin ‘ell are youuuuu”?” he did chant.

31:39 When he eventually sat down, breathless, Laban resumed negotiation.

31:40 It took the form of “How about one daughter? Rachel is shit at cooking, I’ll have her back.”

31:41 Jacob wasn’t about to let his hot wife go. “And leave me with that ugly bitch!?” he enquired.

31:42 “STFU!” said Laban. “Shi iz w3ll f1t” he continued, annoyingly. Jacob simply said “lol”.

31:43 At this point, it began to rain pianos. Both men ran for cover.

31:44 God pissed himself laughing.

31:45 Laban hid under a pickup truck. A piano resistant pickup.

31:46 Jacob saw his chance, ran over to the truck, climbed inside and drove it off, pausing to adjust the seat and mirrors.

31:47 “Bollocks” Laban did say, as he saw his cover driving away. A Trichord overstrung with heavy weighted keys promptly fell onto his face.

31:48 The storm ceased and Jacob backed the vehicle up. He got out and walked across to where Laban’s head was conveniently sticking out from under a ton of splintered wood and ivory.

31:49 “Let me have your daughters, and I shall rescue you” said Jacob. Laban told him to go suck a fuck.

31:50 After asking how does one exactly “suck a fuck”, Jacob realised he had nothing to gain by letting Laban out, so he got his wives, got in the car and fucked off.

31:51 Laban watched him drive off into the distance. He began to regret not being nicer.

31:53 A year passed, and Laban had eaten his tongue for sustainance.

31:54 Another year passed, and Laban has eaten his face for sustainance.

31:55 A Third year passed and Laban was freed by the Faceless Mongbeasts of the Earthy Trench. After that, It all got rather messy.

32:1 Jacob boarded an A320 Airbus and, unfortunately, was seated next to some of God's angels.

32:2 The angel, who was a big fan of 80's Canadian hockey began talking about, surprisingly, 80's Canadian hockey. Jacob forced some complimentary peanuts into his ears.

32:3 To further distract him, he decided to send a message to his brother. He left it half finished so as to arouse suspicions of terrorism onboard. What a joker.

32:4 The message said something about meeting up with Laban, then ended abruptly after the phrase, "Someone is shouting at the back of the plane, oh my-"

32:5 Jacob also sent some poorly drawn, pixellated pornography to further confuse his brothers. A crypto-erotic distress signal, if you will.

32:6 The message returned saying "wtf". Included was a picture of God flipping someone the bird. This happened rather a lot.

32:7 God came upon the plane, which everyone agreed was pretty disgusting and caused some rather unnecessary turbulence.

32:8 It also caused one man to inadvertantly pour hot soup into his eyes, blinding him and causing him to accidently walk out of the door and to his demise.

32:9 "Shit," quoth God. He'd try again later, in the New Testament.

32:10 A group of terrorists stood up and began threatening people with large sub-machine guns. "We're hijacking this plane and taking it to Israel!" they declared.

32:11 It was pointed out they were already going to Israel. The terrorists sat down, but not before demanding some champagne.

32:12 It was pointed out they already had champagne. The terrorists decided to be quiet.

32:13 After arriving, Jacob lodged at his brothers abode. It was in a rough neighbourhood. So rough, infact, the first nine letters were actually stolen, rendering it a "hood".

32:14 His brother, who may or may not be called Ugly had a large collection of eels.

32:15 Jacob, remembering this, bought a great gift of eels for his brother.

32:16 And he passed them to his servants, who carefully put them in a jar and threw them out of the window.

32:17 Jacob thusly began ranting at the servants, not out of any real anger at the eel disposal (they were all fake anyway) but because the author had no real idea of what was actually going on.

32:18 "Brother!" cried Jacob. "Do you have any idea what this chapter is actually about?"

32:19 "Nay!" his brother replied, secretly cursing broken spacebars everywhere.

32:20 So they sat down for a while, in the designated sitting area. After much sitting, Jacob's brother stood up and left.

32:21 Chasing after him, Jacob discovered that his brothere was going somewhere secret. Jacob hoped it wasn't Area 51.

32:22 So, later in the night, Jacob's brother rose and took his two wives, two servants, eleven sons and his Frogdemon Overlord away, and passed over the ford Jabbok.

32:23 Then, without reason or remorse, he took his collection of eels with him and left.

32:24 And so it came to pass that Jacob was left alone. As if to further confuse anyone trying to actually make sense of the Bible, he wrestled with a man. That actually happened. I'm not kidding.

32:25 So it continued, the random bout of wrestling. Jacob almost got the pin, but the referee was distracted by a large amount of shaving foam deposited in his car.

32:26 And Jacob said, "Let me go, for this makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Where did the wrestling come from? Why did my brother leave? What is his name?"

32:27 The wrestler asked him for his name. When he replied Jacob, the wrestler declared, "It doesn't matter what your name is!"

32:28 He continued, "From now on you shall be called Israel." Jacob suspected God had some sort of influence in this completely pointless turn of events.

32:29 And lo did Jacob suspect he was on some sort of hidden camera television show.

32:30 When the random wrestler insisted otherwise, Jacob decided to call the place Penal, just to destroy any shred of sense which was actually emerging.

32:31 The sun rose over Penal, which was quite surprising. You expect it to be more of a gradual thing.

32:32 But God was never one for subtlety, except in the case of anti-homosexual sentiment.

33:1 Ugly approached Jacob and his family. Jacob removed his eyes as a mark of respect.

33:2 “I see you have been fucking your wives’ handmaidens, man” said Ugly. “Who said that?” asked Jacob.

33:3 Ugly told him he was worthy and to put his eyes back into his head.

33:4 Ugly was still at least 6000 metres away at this point. Both men had exceptional hearing and a stadium loudspeaker.

33:5 Twenty minutes passed, while Ugly walked the 6 kilometres to Jacob. Jacob spent most of this time scrabbling on the floor for his eyes.

33:6 Rachel and Leah passed the time by snorting sand. Neither was of particularly high intellectual standing.

33:7 God watched Ugly walking toward Jacob. It was just one of those things it was impossible to pull yourself away from, despite how shit it was.

33:8 Eventually, Jacob found his eyes, just as Ugly arrived. “Hello”, He did say.

33:9 “Hello, dearest brother”, said Ugly, promptly removing his face to reveal a nest of worms.

33:10 Silence covered the land. God muttered something under his breath.

33:11 “What the fuck just happened there?” asked Jacob.

33:12 “You probably didn’t need to see that, huh?” replied Ugly. “Fuckin A” said Jacob.

33:13 Both men embraced, and were shackled together for 3 hours. Mainly because Jacob was wearing his special Shirt-O-Locks, while Ugly had gone for the equally stylish Vest-O-Chains.

33:14 “You know, I’ve been reading the bible” said Ugly, trying to break an awkward silence. “What for?” asked Jacob.

33:15 “It was something to do, other than stealing dirt” replied Ugly. “I’m onto this really boring bit called Chapter 33 now. Absolutely fuck all happens”.

33:16 “Oh man” said Jacob. “If I were rewriting the bible in a slightly offensive and humourous style, I’d definitely make more cool shit happen in that chapter”.

33:17 Just then, out of nowhere, a herd of epileptics began to charge at Ugly and Jacob! However, Ugly was a Nam Vet and revolved slightly.

33:18 His revolutions caused his shiny shirt to spit thousands of fatal reflected beams of sunlight at the ranks of the visually challenged.

33:19 Needless to say, they all met with a FITTING end. Fuck me, I’m awesome.

33:20 So anyway, Jacob went somewhere else and built an Altar. It was awfully nice, and it happened to be coated in chocolate.

34:1 Often, Dinah went for a walk. She was the daughter of Leah. As for the father, well, God only knows, and he's a complete fucking bastard.

34:2 It came to pass that, on her walk, Dinah got raped. (I wish I was making this up.) It was Shechem, son of Hamor The Hivite, who was severely under-sexed and over-endowed.

34:3 Curiously, after the almost completely random rape, he fell in love with Dinah. She didn't notice, she was too busy bleeding.

34:4 Ordinarily, Shechem dumped his rape victims in the canal, but this time he decided to marry her. He went to ask his father, who thoroughly approved of serial rape, as all believers in God do.

34:5 Minutes later, Jacob learned of the news of his daughters rape via an anonymous email from Yasser Arafat. He decided to wait until his sons came home before he got angry. You really need an audience to go batshit to.

34:6 Evidently, Yasser Arafat was almost emailing Hamor (father of rapist) because he was having a casual stroll towards Jacob, who was throwing domestic animals about in a field.

34:7 Hearing the noises in the field, the sons of Jacob arrived and, upon hearing the news of the rape, were shocked and awed.

34:8 Energetically avoiding the cats Jacob was throwing at him, Hamor pleaded, "Please, my son has forcibly inserted his penis into your daughter but now he wants to marry her! What's the problem?!"

34:9 Regrettably, Jacob ran out of animals to throw, so he began launching his sons at the sick bastard before him.

34:10 Ever so slightly avoiding a projectile son, Hamor said, "Come on, it was just one little rape! That's all! What's rape?! Eh? I mean really, come on. She'd say yes eventually, right? Right?"

34:11 As Jacob began sawing off his own foot to throw at him, Hamor concluded that his argument was not really working.

34:12 Not relishing the thought, Hamor said, "I will trade you not two but ONE alligators in exchange for her." Everyone fell silent.

34:13 Deceitfully (drama!), the sons of Jacob answered Hamor because, I suppose, Shechem had raped their sister. Makes sense, really. I mean you're not exactly going to be throwing a Congratulations On Raping Our Sister party, are you?

34:14 So, they said deceitfully unto him, "Oh, we cannot give our sister (whom you raped) to you because... um... because your son is uncircumcised!" Jacob said, "So? All of you are-" and Jacob's sons did club Jacob into a coma with a kitten.

34:15 Uttering reproach of their now comatose father, the sons continued, "However! We will consent unto you if-!" Hamor waved them to silence and said, "If all of us are circumcised, right?" They nodded solemnly.

34:16 Clapping their hands with exclamation, the sons of Jacob (in a rather camp manner) then suggested, "Then, you can have all our daughters, we can have all yours and we can become one great, inbred people!" Hamor was less than amused.

34:17 King God (he'd made a crown out of tinfoil) was crying with laughter. At last, his creation were managing to do some completely fucked up things without any of his intervention. "Marrying all their daughters off to this family after they raped one!" exclaimed God, "Fucking brilliant! I love it!"

34:18 Mind racing, Shechem grew to love the plan, but only because he had his eyes on the limp body of Jacob.

34:19 Yes, he though, I can rape that old dead comatose bastard. He told his father, who approved.

34:20 And God was really enjoying himself, watching all the stupid things his creation were up to. He couldn't wait until the tabloid press was created.

34:21 Now, at this point, Hamor made a long speech about how there would be peace between everyone and daughters being wives (presumably not his own, but we cannot rule that out) and something about Austin Powers, who was loitering furtively with his hands in his pockets.

34:22 And then Hamor produced a pair of scissors and, to everyones horror, cut his own foreskin off in front of everyone. God snorted milk through his nose.

34:23 Luckily, Shechem had a pot of hot tar. You can your use imagination at this point.

34:24 Swiftly, everybody else was also circumcised in a very similar fashion. Blood everywhere. God giggled like a schoolgirl, not that there were any schools. Or indeed girls, for everyone was knocked up at around the age of 8 and forced to become mothers.

34:25 However, because Jacob's sons had been deceitful, they ran into this random city and killed everyone. With their sore penises. It was pretty messy for everyone involved.

34:26 Into Hamor's house they ran, brandishing their pork swords, and they slew both Hamor and Shechem, who was actually in the process of slaying Jacob's limp body with his own pork sword.

34:27 Then, before he died, Shechem said, "I'm glad I could die how I lived. With a penis in my ribs." Jacob's sons began wiping off their weapons.

34:28 Shechem's last words had really taken the edge off their victory and having finally avenged their raped sister didn't feel great. They never really liked her anyway.

34:29 And so to make up for it, they decided to steal the entire city. It cost a fortune in transport fees.

34:30 Coming to some form of consciousness, Jacob arose. "Oh my shit, my sons, what the fuck have you done!? All these people in these lands are gonna hate us and join together and kill us and HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY THOSE LORRY DRIVERS?!"

34:31 Krogzar, one of Jacob's sons who subsequently died in a tar accident said, "Too much?" There was a moral to this particular section of the Bible, but it has now been lost forever. It was probably stupid anyway.

35:1 Jacob recovered from the shock of the pillaging, Then God appeared, in the form of a vast silver bull. He told Jacob to go to Bethel and built an altar to him. Conceited prick.

35:2 Jacob had his worries. “So you want me to go to Bethel, through that angry mob of people my sons have pissed off, and built an altar in the shape of a silver bull?”. But God wasn’t listening. He’d spotted a midget riding a tricycle.

35:3 “…Right” said Jacob. He went to all his wives, children, servants and other close relatives and told them of this plan. None were particularly spiffed about it.

35:4 Jacob signalled to God, who managed to tear himself away from the spectacle of the midget, and explained his worries. “Take a chill pill man, It’s gonna be sweet” said God, unconvincingly.

35:5 So they all began to walk toward the angry mob and Bethel. God strode on ahead in his bullish guise until he reached the mob, where he spewed forth lines of flaming semen from his nostrils. Understandably, there was terror. A lot of it.

35:6 So Jacob passed through safely, with just a little mess on his shoes. He went to Bethel and built God’s fucking altar.

35:7 Incidentally, the silver bull could still be seen until around the year 2003 outside the Avesta Steel factory in Sheffield. Which is near bethel. Seriously!

35:8 Then, out of nowhere, (presumably because one shit plot line had ended so another one had to start) Rebekah’s nurse died. So they all buried her upside down for a laugh.

35:9 God decided that this was a particularly short plot and he’d be damned if HIS book was gonna be shit!

35:10 So God popped down to earth, in the form of a rock, and talked to Jacob for a bit. He informed Jacob that his name was now Israel. Because a country named Jacob would be fucking stupid.

35:11 Just as God was onto NEW and EXCITING material, he reverted back to the old, boring, “go and spread thy seed” bullshit. Just about everyone in the bible had made their own nation at some point.

35:12 “So yeah, that bit of land Isaac n Abraham had before you. Well, its yours.” Said God, predictably. “Ace” said Israel.

35:13 In a strange twist of the author’s boredom with this very bible-y plotline, the area around Israel was suddenly covered in small pins and thumb tacks.

35:14 “Well that was unexpected” Israel did say.

35:15 “Yes indeed” said God, buttering his crumpets. He just walked away.

35:16 “Great” said Israel, apparently devoid of ideas. Things were probably about to get worse.

35:17 A bomb landed next to Israel, it was on a timer. Which read “30 seconds”. It was time to cut his losses.

35:18 Israel ran across the pins, causing himself understandable discomfort. By this time, God had returned to watch the spectacle.

35:19 Just when things were returning to boring normality, Rachel dropped dead. “Fucking fabulous” said Israel, not a little miffed that his hot wife was dead.

35:20 So Israel buried her in clams and placed a phallic gravestone atop them. The clams were unhappy.

35:21 Israel went to this shit place called Edar where nothing happened or would forseeably happen. Ever.

35:22 It was decided that the bible was actually a serious test of faith. Like, if anyone could actually read all of it, without going blind or dying of boredom, they deserved all they got.

35:23 For some reason, they felt it appropriate to list their children. So Leah’s kids were Reuben, Norman, Omnicrom, Wombatron, Hegrodokanomertogad and Mr Pickles.

35:24 The sons of Rachel were Ben and Joe. They were impressed with their names.

35:25 The sons of Bilhah, Rachel’s handmaid were Sleepy and Bashful.

35:26 And finally, as if there weren’t enough males in the world already, Zilpah, Leah’s handmaid had Boner and Spanx.

35:27 Israel took a fucking long trip to see his dad, Isaac. For no real reason, again. I think my eyes are going to catch fire if this gets any more ‘interesting’.

35:28 Just as Israel arrived, Isaac died. Which was nice of him.

35:29 He died whilst pruning a triffid. It all got a bit messy. He was blind after all. So Ugly and Israel buried his dead ass.

36:1 Meanwhile, somewhere in west Africa, Edgar Allen Poe turns up.

36:2 "Bloody 'ell," said Edgar, who had been pondering over a volume of forgotten lore.

36:3 He scratched his groin in a gothic poetic manner.

36:4 God hopped into the teleporter and tried to beam himself to Edgar. God was a huge fan.

36:5 However it was not to be, and it just made a nasty clicking noise.

36:6 And in west Africa, Edgar heard a gentle tapping, a result of the broken teleporter.

36:7 A gentle tapping upon the floor.

36:8 A quiet rapping, and nothing more.

36:9 "'Tis some sandworm," he did mutter, "a simple sandworm, and nothing more."

36:10 And he did survey the landscape for sandworms and this is what he saw:

36:11 Sand, there. And that was all.

36:12 Sitting down upon a rock, he once again lamented over his lost Lenor.

36:13 When all at once he heard the tapping, again upon the desert floor.

36:14 "God," he said, "or devil, I do implore!"

36:15 "Is that you tapping on this desert floor?"

36:17 And up in heaven, God, he swore.

36:18 He swore about the state of teleportation device reliability, which was understandable as the demand had been reduced in recent years and industry cutbacks had unfortunately forced many companies to reduce the quality of their components in an effort to reduce overheads.

36:19 And the silence around Edgar was unbroken, the stillness there gave no token.

36:20 Of Gods teleportation, results were unspoken.

36:21 No tapping there, nothing more.

36:22 "This is fucking weird," said Edgar.

36:23 God finally got the teleport working.

36:24 And teleported thusly, eating a gherkin,

36:25 And appeared before Edgar, who was working on his thesis about Lenor fabric softener.

36:26 "Bloody 'ell!" said Edgar, "who are you!?"

36:27 And God said, "God." and nothing more.

36:28 And he knelt and sat upon the floor and ate his gherkin to the core.

36:29 "You're in the bible," said God, explaining, as he sat upon the floor.

36:30 Edgar nodded, wishing not to quibble. "So is this going to make sense any time soon?"

36:31 And all God said was, "Nevermore."

36:32 Edgar didn't like disruption to his working.

36:33 Especially by deities, eating gherkins.

36:34 Infact, Edgar's patience was growing really thin.

36:35 And growing thinner as a result of this person, sitting upon the desert floor.

36:36 A person who had not been there before.

36:37 And all God said was, "Nevermore."

36:38 "Oh piss the fuck off," said Allan Poe.

36:39 Who flipped him the bird and told him where to go.

36:40 And was pleased that this chapter was nearly over.

36:42 He said, "Just stop sitting there, on the floor."

36:43 "Piss off, fuck off, you motherfucking whore."

37:1 It turns out that the “Sandworms” were actually Giant Striped Riftworms of the Sixth Dimension. Edgar got eaten. God absolutely… fucking… pissed himself. Forevermore.

37:2 Now, Israel had a previously unmentioned (or overlooked) child named Joseph. Yes, THAT Joseph. No, not Jesus’ Dad. Look, just fucking listen.

37:3 Anyway. All Israel’s other kids thought Joseph was a fag cos Israel liked him the best. So Israel made Joseph a magical technicolour scarf (Made of beetles).

37:4 So when Joseph hung with his bro’s in the hood, (Literally, his brothers) they were all like “Yo what the fuck is this shit, nigger?”. They were mighty displeased.

37:5 So it was that they realised their Dad was playing favourites and they decided to shoot some B-Ball. Then some rival gang members.

37:6 As if his big mouth/scarf hadn’t got him into enough trouble already, Joseph developed BiPolar syndrome and started telling his brothers all about this dream he had.

37:7 And Joseph did say “Brothers, I HAVE A DREAM” before being shot, in the balls.

37:8 He recovered enough to tell them that they were all in the 7 Eleven. And they were buying batteries. And Jacob’s batteries were 9v, whereas his brothers’ were mere AA. And all their batteries paid homage to his. Then he paid and left.

37:9 Understandably, his siblings were rather riled. “I don’t even use fucking AA batteries!” said Mr Pickles.

37:10 So Joseph went about his Bipolar day. Doing Bipolar things, such as reading peacefully, shortly before murdering half a dozen animals.

37:11 Rumours were rife that Joseph was indeed fucking certifiable.

37:12 However, his father, lord of the nailgun and patron for unwitting rectal incest, had faith in him.

37:13 So, having faith, his father sent him into the most dangerous situation imaginable (Not including lava). He sent him to see/fondle his brothers, who were tending/raping their flocks/selves in the fields.

37:14 Along the way, Joseph met a verb. “Bludgeoning” it did say. Over and over. As it hopped across the landscape on it’s single giant slimy foot.

37:15 Then, as he reached the cotton farm, a man grabbed his ass and did say “What can I do you for?”.

37:16 Joseph told him he was looking for his brothers. Before asking him politely to remove his grasping palm from his buttocks.

37:17 The man told them that they had slacked off work and gone to the pub. “The Theyregoingtothrowyouintoapit Arms”, it was called. Joseph thanked the man for his time and went on his way.

37:18 His brothers had previously conspired to kill Joseph. He was only their half brother anyway!

37:19 Ben did say “Here’s the sonofabitch now!”. As Joseph walked in and hung up his technicolour beetle scarf.

37:20 “We’ll just say that he was walking, he accidentally smashed himself on the back of the head with a bat, tripped and fell into a pit full of acid, snakes and spiders”. Mr Pickles didn’t think they’d buy it.

37:21 It was Reuben who was the voice of reason. “Guys, guys! Lets not kill him!... Just kinda throw him into an empty pit!”. They all agreed this would be murder on physics’ count, not theirs.

37:22 Meanwhile, in heaven, God was going through some literature, highlighting all the sexual innuendo with a pink highlighter.

37:23 But, uh, anyway. They told Joseph to get his coat. They were leaving.

37:24 They got him into an alleyway, stripped him of his magical technicolour scarf made of beetles, and threw him into a pit.

37:25 The pit was 20 miles away. Ben had exceptional upper body strength.

37:26 A band of gypsies passed by, and just for the giggles, they sold Joseph to them. That’d teach him. Living with the pikeys.

37:27 God was watching all this with utmost amusement. He was chewing a biro.

37:28 And so it was that the Pikeys brought Joseph to Egypt. Where they were invading the local Asda car park. Dirty Irish bastards.

37:29 Meanwhile, Reuben returned to his brothers. They were stood around the pit, which was now filled with milkshake.

37:30 “You drowned him in milkshake?” asked Reuben, startled. But verily, they had sold him to Gyppos and were now enjoying an enormous drink.

37:31 So they took Joseph’s scarf of many beetles and dripped molten solder onto it. The cover story was formulated.

37:32 They took it to their father and told him Joseph had been involved in a horrific industrial welding accident and that only Pikey medicine could heal him.

37:33 “What the fuck are you on about?” asked Israel. “Joseph was a ladyboy, just like me! There’s no way he’d be any good at welding!”. His sons explained that this was exactly the reason he died. I mean… was injured.

37:34 Israel was most distressed. God meanwhile was laughing. A lot.

37:35 God tried to comfort Israel, in his own way. By singing “Mom got cancer and died, but at least we still have biscuits!”. Israel was further distressed.

37:36 The Pikeys were sick of Joseph’s shit, so they sold him to Potiphar. Who was a captain of the Egyptian bum brigade.

38:1 Judah, fresh from the leper colony went into a cave and saw Hirah.

38:2 Then he saw Shuah. Nobody knew if they were male or female, so Judah took no chances, flipped them over and then went about his business.

38:3 Unfortunately, Judah had never seen a woman before, so Shuah got pregnant. They called the child Pardon.

38:4 Determined not to fall foul again, Judah made sure to take the backdoor entrance. Unfortunately, the lights were off. They called the second child Onan.

38:5 Judah was really sick of this now. He spied on Shuah in the toilet, to determine which hole was which. However, they're so close together and he missed. The third child was called Shelah. He would go on to colonise Australia.

38:6 12 years passed, in which the world took shelter from the giant rampaging crabs. When it was over, Judah took a wife for Pardon. Her name was Tamar. She played for Newcastle United FC.

38:7 God, however, did not support the Toon Army, so he just fucking killed Pardon. Just like that. What a bastard. I'm glad I'm not a Christian.

38:8 Judah, who was pretty pissed off that his tax credits would now be reduced said unto Onan, "Go and bone your brothers wife, just to piss him off in the afterlife."

38:9 Onan wasn't too thrilled at the idea, but he got an erection anyway. However, he thought boning his dead brothers wife was kind of wrong, so he pulled out at the last minute and spunked in her eye.

38:10 God thought this was hilarious, but then killed Onan for being a dirty bastard.

38:11 Then Judah did say to Tamar, "Go, remain a widow and dwell alone." After all of Judah's previous commands, she foresaw her own end but she did it anyway.

38:12 Then it came to pass that Judah's wife died after being struck by a meteorite. God could be heard whistling.

38:13 So Judah buggered off to bugger some sheep. One of the neighbourhood perverts went and told Tamar about this, before sniffing her knickers and running off.

38:14 So, for no sufficiently well explained reason, she decided to dress up like a prostitute. She applied clay to her face, bruises to her arms and then wore a very short skirt. Then she stood outside.

38:15 Judah strolled by and got an instant hard-on. "Are you a woman," he did ask, to which the answer was yes. He looked disappointed but he took her inside anyway.

38:16 And so it came to pass, Judah and his daughter-in-law had a bloody good shag.

38:17 Judah didn't have any money, so he asked if he could pay in sheep. Strangely, this was acceptable.

38:18 However, to be sure he didn't rip her off and never bring her a sheep, she attached a face shackle which would tear his jaw off if he didn't return with a sheep in five hours.

38:19 The face shackle just fell off, but Judah Fedex'd her a sheep anyway. Meanwhile, Tamar took off her whore clothes and put on her widow clothes. They were all black, with the word "WIDOW" on the front. It was an iron on transfer.

38:20 The courier pulled up, and he did say, "You seen a whore around?" But the widow said nothing. She was a devious one.

38:21 So the courier asked around for the harlot woman, but all the people he spoke to said, "Dirty bastard. Piss off."

38:22 Verily the Fedex man returned to Judah and said, "I cannot find her and lo the people said there were no harlots."

38:23 This was a case for the X-Files.

38:24 Mulder came back three months later and said unto Judah, "Your daughter-in-law, Tamar, pretended to be the harlot and she's pregnant with your kid." Judah called for the burnination of Tamar, to which Mulder agreed. Scully turned up and protested, but nobody listened to her whining anyway.

38:25 And she was brought forth and she said, "Can I have your autograph?" David Duchovny was quite the dish.

38:26 Judah nodded silently. He secretly loved David Duchovny also.

38:27 After a lot of listening, prodding and in utero probing, they found out she was having twins. Tamar would have preferred it to be a surprise.

38:28 In an effort to hasten the pregnancy, Judah kicked her in the stomach and lo, the babes did pop out. It was pretty slippy on the floor after that, so they put up a small yellow sign.

38:29 The first kid that came out was called Pharez. It was written across his forehead. God giggled.

38:30 The second kid was called Zarah. God stopped giggling. The birth canal had messed up his lettering.

39:1 So Joseph was just chillin with Potiphar, enjoying a few games of Soggy Biscuit.

39:2 “Man, I’m hungry” said Potiphar, munching on his third semen soaked digestive.

39:3 Joseph offered him a bladder. Potiphar concluded that the biscuits would be just fine.

39:4 “I like the cut of yer gib, Joseph!” said Potiphar, not a little out of character. “Er, thanks!” replied Joseph, backing away slowly.

39:5 So Potiphar made Joseph the overlord of all beankind.

39:6 Joseph: BEAN OVERLORD looked proud. He went into the War Room to organise his bean armies.

39:7 Poitphar’s wife was in there. She stared blankly at Joseph: BEAN OVERLORD, who stared blankly in return.

39:8 “Fuck me.” She said. And the words that exited Joseph: BEAN OVERLORD’s mouth were “What?”.

39:9 Turned out that she wasn’t making an exclamation of surprise. But she actually wanted a good fisting. Joseph refused.

39:10 He refused because he was homosexual. Or Potiphar had left everything to him in his will. One of the two. I forget.

39:11 So one day, Joseph: BEAN OVERLORD was squatting on the War room table, Squeezing out a bum baby for his beany minions to feed on.

39:12 Potiphar’s wife, who shall be named “X” until her real name materialises or… doesn’t, grabbed Joseph (who had ceased to be called BEAN OVERLORD, to save the authors’ sanity) by the cock and did yell.

39:13 “BONE MY ASS, YOU HUNKY HUNK OF A HUNK-FAG!” she cried. “AAARGHGHGAHAHGGHAAGHHBISCUITS!!” screamed Joseph and ran away. Leaving behind his clothes.

39:14 She went to the slaves and told them that Joseph had tried to rape her. Until they pointed out that his clothes were torn off, not hers. X ran away.

39:15 God was watching all this with one eye.

39:16 His other two eyes were making a model.

39:17 Her name was Wendy.

39:18 So then Potiphar came home from the glue mill. And X told him of her supposed rape and how Joseph had run off.

39:19 “Oh dear. Who will command the beans?” pondered Potiphar. Then the murderous rage came.

39:20 So Potiphar magically found Joseph and threw him in prison. Does nobody ever bring up the GAPING holes in biblical script?

39:21 God decided this was fun, so he used the Jedi mind trick on the prison guard and forced him to perform anal tortures upon Joseph.

39:22 Because of Joseph’s cooperation (He was a fag, you know!) he was given a job feeding the prisoners.

39:23 He fed them pins. And other prisoners.

40:1 And it came to pass that after the King of Egypt's sticky buns were a little too sticky, the butler and the baker were thrown into jail.

40:2 The Jail For People Who Allow Bodily Fluids Associated With Reproduction Onto Things They Should Not Be Allowed Onto. It was next to an MOT centre.

40:3 Inside, they met a wrongly categorised prisoner, Joseph, who was knitting a condom.

40:4 The Captain Of The Guard, Hulio, threw them into Joseph's cell. They had previously walked in, but he dragged them out then threw them in.

40:5 And that night the baker and the butler had a dream. They dreamed they were in prison. When they awoke the next morn, and found they were in prison, they sighed.

40:6 Joseph came unto them in the morning and, when he was done, he looked at them and he did see they were sad. And slightly sticky. Perhaps he wasn't in the wrong prison after all.

40:7 In the Recreational Rape Room, Joseph asked the butler/baker combo why they looked so sad.

40:8 And they said unto him, "We have dreamed a dream." To which Joseph replied, "No shit, you're not gonna fucking bake one, are you?"

40:9 The butler, vibrating gently, told Joseph of his dream. To Joseph's unfolding dismay, it wasn't a wet one.

40:10 And the butler did explain about some vines, branches, budding and blossoms. There were some grapes involved. This was all complete bullshit.

40:11 The butler concluded with, "And verily I did take his sack into my mouth, but it was not nice. Nay, it was not nice." He looked down sadly.

40:12 And Joseph interpreted his dream as thus, "All that shit you said about vines, that's your underlying addiction to tentacle hentai rape." He nodded wisely to himself.

40:13 He continued to say, "But worry not for in three days the Pharaoh, who's sack you did take into your mouth, will restore your position and you shall butlerise once more."

40:14 The butler was delighted. Joseph said, "And when you're out, put in a good word for me, eh? Eh? Eh?" Joseph nudged the butler. Facially.

40:15 Joseph then explained why he was wrongly imprisoned, which was also a complete lie, much like the butlers dream. Maybe this is the Lying Bastards Prison.

40:16 The baker, his mouth dripping from his time with the pearly white love fountain said, "Hey. Tell me about my dream. I held baskets." Joseph blinked. "BASKETS!"

40:17 The baker went on to explain how the baskets contained all manner of nice things for lots of small children, birds and kittens. But not horses. Nobody likes horses.

40:18 Fucking horses.

40:19 Joseph explained that the dream meant he needed a shave. The baker stroked his face thoughtfully. Joseph directed him down south. The baked nodded solemnly.

40:20 And on the third day, counting from when Joseph made up all that ridiculous rubbish about something, it was the Pharaoh's birthday. And he'll cry if he wants to. Cry if he wants to. Cry if he wants to. But instead he set his servants in prison free.

40:21 The butler was allowed in the Butlercave once more, and was given keys to the Butlermobile. He cried tears. Butlertears.

40:22 The baker was hanged, because he hadn't shaved off that enormous pubic bush. Seriously, there was an ecology going on down there.

40:23 And the butler did not remember Joseph, and did not put in a good word. Joseph was forgotten. The butler forgat him. He had been forghettoed. Forgotery had occurred.

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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2137