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The Book Of Genesis: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30  31 - 40  41 - 50

Genesis (v. 41 - 50)

41:1 Meanwhile, Pharaoh was trying to shove a 34 metre length of coaxial cable into his anus.

41:2 Eventually, the euphoria became all too much and Pharaoh passed out. He had a dream. About cows.

41:3 Seven fat cows and seven thin cows strode out of a river and stood on the bank.

41:4 The seven thin cows did morph into giant robotic cars and they did devour the seven fat cows. Pharaoh awoke with a giant erection.

41:5 Pharaoh began fisting himself with a remote control. He passed out again and had another dream.

41:6 Seven fat, ugly ears rose up from a pit of tar. Seven thin, pretty ears also arose.

41:7 And the seven thin ears rose up and consumed the seven fat ears, chewing vigorously with their fleshy lobes.

41:8 Pharaoh told men. Men laughed at Pharaoh so Pharaoh told magicians. They were all gay, so they understood and laughed not.

41:9 Pharaoh’s butler sidled across the room in a ballgown and caressed his thigh.

41:10 “Remember that time when you threw me into prison and I was brutally raped by sixteen men?” he said. “Vaguely” said Pharaoh.

41:11 “Well this is for YOU!” he yelled, and stabbed Pharaoh in the gut with a knife. Pharaoh’s eyes bulged and he fell to the floor and died.

41:12 Just kidding. The butler told Pharaoh about Joseph. Pharaoh was intrigued.

41:13 For some reason, Pharaoh was convinced that Joseph was a Texan motor parts dealer who owned a genie named Labastion.

41:14 So they shaved and sterilised Joseph, and brought him unto Pharaoh. Pharaoh was understandably dismayed but he listened to him anyway.

41:15 So Pharaoh rambled on about cows and ears and this weird dream he always had where he was making love to a sea lion.

41:16 He went on to explain this in great detail.

41:17 Pharaoh was skydiving. He flipped over backwards at 10,000 feet and there, pursuing him, was a sea lion.

41:18 And the sea lion did not obey Newton’s laws of gravity, and so fell faster than 9.81 ms-2.

41:19 It was more like 10, really. So not that bad.

41:20 So the sea lion catches up and clings on to pharaoh, who promptly engages his parachute. They land safely in a clearing in the woods.

41:21 Pharaoh removed his parachute and rolled over. The sea lion promptly followed.

41:22 It tore off his clothes and he did mount it, humping away for hours.

41:23 He finished himself off on the sea lion’s face and OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK AM I WRITING!?!?

41:24 So anyway…

41:25 Joseph told Pharaoh to stop describing this dream. It was highly concerning.

41:26 Joseph said something about the Seven cows n ears being seven years. Nobody was listening. And by nobody, I mean me.

41:27 He then said something about the thin things representing famine. Joseph thought the Egyptians only ate sand.

41:28 God was angry. He wanted to hear the rest of the sea lion dream.

41:29 Truth be told, there wasn’t much else. Pharaoh and the sea lion lit a fag. That was about it.

41:30 So anyway. Seven years of plenty followed by Seven years of famine. Better not eat too much then.

41:31 Joseph was a bitch boy, so he went on and on about God giving Pharaoh these dreams.

41:32 God looked bemused. He’d been watching musicals all evening!

41:33 Pharaoh let out a small fart. It was so small that nobody heard it and Pharaoh began to laugh uncontrollably.

41:34 “I’VE JUST DONE A TRUMP!” he cried hysterically. “That’s wonderful.” Said Joseph, utterly unamused.

41:35 Minutes passed and Joseph was telling Pharaoh how to manage his foodstocks to stop all his people dying. Pharaoh was trying to squeeze another one out.

41:36 It came to pass that Pharaoh squeezed out a vigorous cheek-slapping fart from the fiery depths of his bowels.

41:37 Then he followed through…

41:38 Oh… My… God…

41:39 Once the cleanup operation had been completed, Pharaoh spoke to Joseph.

41:40 “Basically, yeah? I’ll rule my kingdom by your words, yeah?” said Pharaoh, clearly high on heroin.

41:41 “Ok” quoth Joseph.

41:42 Pharaoh gave Joseph a gold ring and necklace. “Bling!” said Joseph. “What?” said Pharaoh.

41:43 Joseph was the ruler of all the people of Egypt, under pretense of it being Pharaoh. This was much better than the beans.

41:44 Meanwhile, the beanfolk were unhappy. They planned to rise up against Joseph The Deceiver.

41:45 The beans got cooked in a stew. The bean rebellion never occurred.

41:46 The world will never know how close it came to destruction.

41:47 Joseph wandered into the desert for a bit, As was customary in biblical times.

41:48 He got him a wife, whom he beat regularly, like a REAL biblical man.

41:49 He got him a credit card. He bought a Thai bride, to match his other wife. She was called T’sun Wang Mei.

41:50 She died. Horribly. But then his other wife had 2 sons, so all was good again.

41:51 He called the first one Manasseh. It was Hebrew for “A Plague Upon Your Eyes!”

41:52 The second son was called Ephraim, which meant “One of Crabby Face”

41:53 Ephraim had 56 nipples. They milked him regularly.

41:54 The famine began and Ephraim kept an entire village alive.

41:55 People started dying of FAMINE DISEASE. It made you get a lot thinner and could be cured by eating.

41:56 Some people hadn’t grasped the idea and ate themselves.

41:57 The Egyptians started selling corn, cos Joseph was such a dude and he told Pharaoh to store it. Mega.

42:1 And Jacob, awaking from a convenient coma saw there was no corn in Canaan. He looked to his sons and spake, "You, boy, take your brothers leg out of your mouth."

42:2 And then he said, "Well, he's your brother now. Now piss off down to Egypt, I've heard they have a bit of corn for sale. Then we may live, and not die." His sons thought the last statement rather redundant, but it was best to be sure about these things.

42:3 Now at this point it should be noted that Jacob's sons were also Joseph's brothers. This is very important and I suggest you write it down in at least a hundred places.

42:4 Also it should be noted that Benjamin, Joseph's brother, had not been sent to Egypt. The reasons for this are mysterious and unclear. This is a case for the X-Files. Do DO do do do-doooo!

42:5 So anyway, the sons of Jacob came along, passing a sign saying 'You are now leaving Canaan. You will probably survive.'

42:6 Joseph, ruler of the land, was balancing an alarm clock on a crocodile when his brothers came. They bowed before him. Joseph quietly dismissed the crocodile. He kept the alarm clock.

42:7 And Joseph saw his brothers, and knew who they were. However he quickly drew a small moustache on his face with a pen, therefore disguising himself. They announced they were from Canaan to buy food. Joseph added a goatee.

42:8 Joseph left for a second to shave off his eyebrows and draw in some new ones.

42:9 Now apparently, Joseph had dreamt of them, so he said, "Oh god, don't stick it up there." There was silence, when Joseph rememebered he recalled the wrong dream. "I MEAN YOU'RE ALL SPIES, YOU BASTARDS!"

42:10 The collective three letter exclamation from his brothers was "WTF?"

42:11 They strengthened their case with, "No way man, we're all one man's sons, we're true men! Servants not spies!" They bowed again, hoping to entice an erection from the doorman.

42:12 And Joseph flapped his hands, having some kind of motor disorder. He said, "Nay! But look upon the nakedness of the land!"

42:13 Then the sons of Jacob decided to explain something, which is probably the worst, most completely random plot device I've seen in some time. They said, "Look, we're twelve brothers. The youngest is with our dad, and this other one, well, he's not." Incase you didn't know, they meant Joseph.

42:14 And Joseph said unto them, "Whatever, that was a completely random thing to say. YOU'RE SPIES AREN'T YOU?!" And he had them thrown into jail. Well, actually, they walked into the jail, but then someone pulled them out and threw them back in.

42:15 The conditions of their release were, as Joseph said, "You shall not go forth hence, unless your youngest brother comes Hitler." They frowned at Joseph, who said, "I mean hither. He has to come hither."

42:16 Joseph stood on a small podium and proclaimed. "I SHALL SEND ONE OF YE, TO FETCH YOUR BROTHER, AND THE REST SHALL BE KEPT IN PRISON. IF YOU WORDS BE TRUE, YOU SHALL BE FREE, ELSE YOU ARE TRULY SPIES."

42:17 This didn't really make much sense. Why would having a younger brother prove you weren't spies? We asked God, who declined to comment. Then he held a newspaper over his face.

42:18 And Joseph said unto them on the third day, "I'll let you fags go."

42:19 "HOWEVER!" he cried, wheeling his podium into the room and standing on it, "Leave one of your brothers behind and go, ye, carry the corn the famine of your land!"

42:20 Joseph then said, again, they unless they bought their youngest brother to him, they would die! Thunder rumbled in the background. God apologised.

42:21 And the brothers said to one another, "Fuck, I wish we hadn't left that kid at home. He's probably eating all our food." One of the brothers, Simeon, said, "And my dildo!"

42:22 Simeon had to stay behind.

42:23 Joseph didn't really understand what was going on, because he spake through an interpreter, who had previously dropped a not insignificant amount of acid.

42:24 And he turned away and cried, probably because he had something in his eye. He turned back, they broke some bread and devised a secret handshake. Then Joseph put Simeon on a leash, made him walk on all fours and he cast the brothers forth.

42:25 Joseph commanded that they filled their sacks with corn and their money was restored. He also demanded an escort of Snake-Breasted Harpies to accompany them, but this was subtly overruled by middle management.

42:26 They rested the corn on their asses and, when it fell off, decided to rest it on some donkeys. Then they sauntered off, lacking Snake-Breasted Harpy escorts.

42:27 As they were riding merrily away, one of them opened his sack to find the money restored to them. "Holy moly, guys! Look at this! Look at my sack! Everyone look at my sack!" The brothers began to wish they'd left him behind instead.

42:28 Everything seemed to be going well for them. Their money restored, corn for their lands. Their hearts were low and they were afraid. "What hath God done unto us?" they worried. God wasn't usually this nice.

42:29 They came unto Jacob in the land of Canaan and, amazed he was still alive, told him all that had happened.

42:30 Jacob looked furtively out of the window, back up the path they had rode down. "Any Snake-Breasted Harpies come with you?" he said, reaching for his shotgun.

42:31 His sons sort of mumbled a bit, saying that saw a strange looking person, but Jacob concluded that was Bum-Leg Boris.

42:32 Bum-Leg Boris was the son of Bum-Ears Barry, who was the son of Bum-Cock Brian.

42:33 They only had one mother. All three of them. Her name was Shit-Toes Sally.

42:34 So anyway, Jacob's kids told him about all the crap that had happened in wherever the hell they had gone. Egypt, I think.

42:35 They all emptied their sacks. After that was done, they got the corn and the money out and were all shitting themselves. Jacob went and got a mop.

42:36 And Jacob said, "Oh shit. Joseph is fucking in Egypt, Simeon is over there and now you're gonna take Benjamin over there?" This was, apparently a bad thing.

42:37 Reuben spake unto Big Daddy J, "Slay my two sons if I do not bring back your son." Violins played. Really. This is fucking dramatic.

42:38 And Jacob did say, "Oh fuck I don't care. Do what you like. I might kill your sons anyway. And sell them. On eBay." Reuben nodded. Jacob was a fucking shit father.

43:1 A herbicidal bomb hit Canaan. The famine got worse.

43:2 Being the fat bastards they are, they ate all the food they’d brought out of Egypt. They appeared to have forgotten their brother who got left behind.

43:3 Due to a glitch in the Matrix, Snakes covered the land.

43:4 “Holy shit!” said Judah, kicking aside a serpent.

43:5 “You know what’s happened, don’t you!” said the Archangel Barry, suddenly appearing.

43:6 “Pray Tell!” said Judah, who was now buried up to his waist in snakes.

43:7 “Well, the story has become boring again. And is taking 6 million verses to convey a single point or action” said Archangel Barry.

43:8 “And now the author is making up for it by filling the spaces with exciting things like snakes. It’s a bit like when you Ummm and Errrmmm between sentences.”

43:9 “It’s just a way of orally expressing that your brain is still working. Similarly, these pointless asides are a way of telling you that the author is actually coming to a point in a fabulously more intriguing way.”

43:10 “I see,” responded Judah.

43:11 “So, what would happen if I were to attempt to advance the plot now, as oppose to in verse 15 when it really happens?” inquired Judah. “Why don’t we find out?” responded Barry.

43:12 Judah spoke to his father, Jacob, about the next sequence of events. However, before he could utter a full sentence, Jacob paradoxically fell into wafer thin slices.

43:13 The room around him vanished into the distance. Clouds gathered overhead, The seas rose by 6 feet and it began raining lead.

43:14 A face appeared in the sand and spoke to Judah in an alien tongue, roughly translated as “I am the brush beard speaker. You will read my ass well.”

43:15 All of the things disappeared and Jacob reformed, saying “Go to Egypt with more money, food, and your brother, Ben.”

43:16 When Joseph saw them coming with Ben through the scope of his rifle, He told his manbitches to kill some children and bury them upside down with their legs sticking out of the floor.

43:17 To make their visitors welcome.

43:18 Another slice of boring pie was seen to emerge over the horizon. Judah had learnt his lesson and kept his wits about him.

43:19 Meanwhile, as they were walking, Joseph was watching them intently with his rifle scope. He could lip read you know.

43:20 Judah’s manservant came up by his side and said “Judah? I do hope Joseph is as wonderful as I imagine him to be! And he will bring blessings upon me, my new wife, and our four adorable babies!”

43:21 Joseph read the man’s lips. “Judah… I heard once that.. Joseph sucks a lot of cock… and he enjoys eating the turds of… Texans.”

43:22 “Turds of Texans eh!?!” cried Joseph, loading one of his special rounds into the chamber.

43:23 BOOM! Cracked the rifle. It fired the round so fast that it broke the sound barrier… and then the light barrier… and so became invisible, Travelling through the fourth dimension, commonly known as custard.

43:24 “What was that!?” cried Judah! For they were almost 5 light seconds away from Josephs house.

43:25 Then the bullet rematerialised and struck Judah’s manservant square in the chest. He flew back 50 feet and landed on his face.

43:26 Judah strolled over to him. “Are you alright?” he asked. “Yes, fine, thank you” responded the manservant, picking himself up.

43:27 Thousands of miles away, Joseph chuckled. This was the good part.

43:28 Judah’s manservant. Who had a name, incidentally. Which was Tom. Began to shiver. Then he vomited a shower of ball bearings.

43:29 His insides began to boil, as 6 million tiny yellow clams gummed him to death from within.

43:30 Tom died, consumed by crustaceans, showered in his own shit. A Hero’s death.

43:31 Judah pondered what had just happened, but decided that it was best not to think about it. This was another aside.

43:32 These asides frequently involved killing off new and unimportant characters rather quickly. Judah wondered how far it was to Joseph’s.

43:33 The sun clicked off. The noise of a million killer bees flying over the horizon was heard. The moon began to fall to Earth.

43:34 Judah stopped wondering. Normality returned. They all got to Josephs and ate some stuff. Joseph was chuffed about Ben being there and stuff.

44:1 Judah commanded his servants, saying, "Fill up their sacks with food, then put their money in the mouth of the sack." He was questioned as to the use of wallets or purses for the looser men. This was OVERRULED. Then Judah hit someone with a wooden hammer.

44:2 Then he put some cups, made of silver and full of fire-ants into one sack, in an attempt to please Joseph.

44:3 When the morning light came, the men were sent away. Away with their asses. Men and their asses. The men rode asses. Ass riding was done.

44:4 And Joseph, who was inserting grapes into places grapes were not intended to go said, "Something." Nobody knows what he said. It was all very confusing, and a lot got lost in the translation. So nobody is really bothered.

44:5 For some reason, presumably related to Joseph's mid-grape-insertion ramblings, a few people rode some horses and overtook the men of Judah and stopped them in the road.

44:6 And they said unto the servants, "What are you doing? What be you carrying?"

44:7 And the servants replied, "I'm sorry what? What are we pooing? What be we marrying? Well, I don't know where you come from, mister, but we aint gay." They folded their arms and looked defiant.

44:8 And Josephs men exchanged glances, and made the universal symbol for inquiring about someones lack of hearing. "Are you fucking deaf?" The men of Judah said, "No, we don't like football." There's a joke in there. Really.

44:9 And so it came to pass that servants carrying wealth was illegal, which made a lot of sense. The cheap bastards would probably run off with it. That and the Sunday china.

44:10 And they said, "Then. THEN. THEN!" Joseph's men made exaggerated lip movements, so they could understand. "TH-EN, WE SHALL SEE YOUR SACKS AND SEE YOU ARE BLAMELESS FROM CRIME." Judah's servants looked worried until the matter of which sacks they meant was clarified.

44:11 And Joseph's men took down the sacks and opened them. One of Joseph's men tickled Judah's servants balls. It was pretty funny, but you had to be there really.

44:12 Going through their sacks, they found the silver cups, full of fire-ants. Luckily someone had covered them in cling film, so they were all perfectly safe. Well, as safe as you can be in a world where God creates evil, then decides to punish mankind for it. Way to cure the symptom, God.

44:13 So, anyway, Joseph's men, as part of some greater plot, stole all their shit. Including their clothes. More ball tickling occurred. It was pretty funny, but you had to be there really. Not that you'd want to be.

44:14 Now this is interesting. Apparently Judah sent his servants out with his stuff, but he and his brothers turned up with a separate caravan. They came to Joseph's house and fell down before him, because Joseph had rigged some fishing line.

44:15 And Joseph said, "Fancy a grape?"

44:16 Then, to the dismay of all, Judah went on and on about something nobody really understood, especially because he was speaking Esperanto. He mentioned his servants, which Joseph knew, because he'd learnt a little Spanish.

44:17 He mentioned something in passing the silver cup, full of deadly ants and just a little washing up liquid. You know how it is.

44:18 Judah went up to Joseph and said, "Don't be angry at my servants, even though I don't really know what the hell is going on." Then he caressed his cheek. Pretty. Fucking. Awkward.

44:19 Joseph asked, "Retire to the backroom with me later. Before then, however, tell me something..."

44:20 Someone shouted, "Lennon is dead!"

44:21 While strictly true, nobody knew what he was on about.

44:22 Now Judah moaned on and on about how how some son couldn't leave his father, or his father would surely die.

44:23 And do you know how many people cared? Here's a hint, you could count it on your fingers if you were a lettuce.

44:24 Well, that's not true. Lots of people care, and they've all read the bible.

44:25 But because they have (seriously) read the bible, their opinion is worthless. So nobody cares about them.

44:26 Judah continued moaning about how some kid couldn't live his dad because he'd die or something. Nobody continued caring.

44:27 To jazz things up, God appeared, dressed a dead man. This was pretty disgusting, as he'd been dead some time.

44:28 "It's me!" said God. His arm fell off.

44:29 He picked it up, and his neck snapped and he could only see upside down as his head lolled over his chest. Pretty horrible stuff.

44:30 So God vacated the body, as everyone stared on in horror. The body burst into flames.

44:31 There was the sound of a waterfall, then a giant stream of piss burst through the ceiling, washing the body away. Nobody really knew what to say.

44:32 Joseph, having the gift of foresight said, "I didn't see that coming."

44:33 Then, to his dismay, he saw God coming.

44:34 Now a lot was missed out in the editing, however it should be noted that there was a moral. The moral was washed away with God's mighty piss. Same goes for the plot.

45:1 So basically, Joseph made himself known to his brothers and shit. He must have been wearing a proper bo disguise.

45:2 Joseph started crying for some unexplainable reason. He flashed into Jesus for a moment, which was weird.

45:3 Joseph asked about his father. His brothers told him Jacob was dead for a laugh. That would teach him.

45:4 Then Joseph remembered something. He called all his brothers near and put his arms around them.

45:5 He brought his lips closer to their ears as if to whisper to them.

45:6 And he did shout “YOU SOLD ME TO A BUNCH OF FUCKING GYPPOS!?”

45:7 Each brother, now having tinnitus, took turns to punch Joseph in the face. Benjamin used brass knuckles cause he had a hearing aid.

45:8 Joseph picked himself up and spat out his back teeth, then said “But now I’m ruler of all Egypt, so IN YOUR FACE BROTHERS!!!”

45:9 And the brothers did beat him again.

45:10 Joseph bent over, reached around his posterior with his hands and prised his fingers into the crack of his butt cheeks.

45:11 He paused briefly only to speak “God says the plot is advancing way too quickly”.

45:12 And with that, he parted the cheeks and his sphincter did open like a beautiful flower.

45:13 And there, from the rectal breach, did shoot a thousand and one cannonballs.

45:14 Verily, the brothers and the house of pharaoh were torn apart in a blaze of splintering wood and severed limbs as white hot smouldering iron fizzed by at supersonic speeds.

45:15 What was more, through the holes in the walls of the house came a scourge of jet black boiling liquid.

45:16 Nobody quite knew what it was. Nobody quite cared, for they were busy dodging Joseph’s anal launchings.

45:17 However, the liquid did smell of a mixture of pear drops and used motor oil.

45:18 Aside from the smell and the fact that people shattered into a thousand tiny plastic pieces when they touched it, the liquid was harmless.

45:19 It also caused birth defects.

45:20 In an instant, all this stopped. Everyone was relieved. It was time for a plot advancement. Hooray!

45:21 Pharaoh told them something about going to live in Canaan. I was too involved in this ass-cannon shit to notice.

45:22 I bet you were too, huh?

45:23 Oh yeah, Jacob lives in Canaan, so there you go. Going back to Jacob. Again.

45:24 So the fellowship departed again, through the minty mountains, past the valley of impenetrable hymens and narrowly avoiding the gulch of a million gooches.

45:25 They found Jacob attempting to trap an earwig. Out in the wild. For dinner.

45:26 So they told him Joseph was alive and he died.

45:27 Then they told him Joseph was dead. But in an alive way. And Jacob did make self come him alive. What?

45:28 So Jacob said he would visit/kill his son before he died. Which was awfully nice of him. Benjamin ate his own scalp.

46:1 So Jacob loaded up on equipment for his journey. A chainsaw. And a small towel.

46:2 And God spake unto Jacob as he slept, and said, "Wooo, oooOOOooo, I'm a ghost! Only joking, it's me!" The planet sighed at him showing up again.

46:3 And God, in the dream, said, "Go to down Egypt. And don't worry about it, I'll purge it of whiteys before you get there. Man, you're gonna make a great nation there!" This is all sounding worryingly familiar...

46:4 God stuck his dream hands into his dream pockets and whistled. "Yeah, it'll be great! I'll come with you, we might meet Joseph! He might even put his hands on your eyes." Jacob, perplexed, still couldn't bring himself to speak.

46:5 And Jacob rose in the morning and saw hundreds of huskie dogs, send to aid his travel. They had all died, so he called a taxi.

46:6 They took with them as many of the dogs as they could carry. There were still pretty fresh, you know! They arrived in Egypt. "They" being Jacob and all his family and stuff. They loved dog.

46:7 In memory of the event, they decided to call that day "Dogmas: Day Of Deliciousery."

46:8 And these are the names of the children of Israel, which came into Egypt, Jacob and his sons: Reuben, Jacob's firstborn.

46:9 God materialised and asked Jacob for some dog, to which Jacob replied, "Sorry, we ate it all."

46:10 And God spake unto Jacob, "You fucking bastard!"

46:11 "Bastard!"

46:12 "Bastard!"

46:13 "Bastard!"

46:14 "Bastard!"

46:15 "Bastard!"

46:16 "Bastard!"

46:17 "Bastard!"

46:18 "Bastard!"

46:19 "Bastard!"

46:20 Jacob started weeping, "I'm sorry, I'll force a dog bone down my throat and throw up some of the food! I'm sorry!"

46:21 And God did reply, "That's fucking sick. You sicko!"

46:22 "Sicko!"

46:23 "Sicko!"

46:24 "Sicko!"

46:25 "Sicko!"

46:26 "Sicko!"

46:27 God's stomach rumbled. He said, "Oh alright, let's do it." The rest is omitted for censorship reasons. Let's just say they had no plates, so they had to do it mouth-to-mouth. I've already said too much.

46:28 And Jacob then did prepare to face off against Joseph, presumably because he's got him a wank birthday present.

46:29 Joseph prepared his chariot, which was not a chariot of fire but of tasteful ribbons and a little bell.

46:30 Joseph met Jacob and started crying. God played the world's tiniest violin. Jacob said, "Oh, my son, now I can die, having seen your face." God thought this was a pretty stupid thing to say. And God knows stupid. He created it.

46:31 And Joseph said unto his brothers, "Come! Let us go shew Pharaoh and address him in an inappropriate manner, like Pharaoh is actually his name and is not a ceremonial title!" Nobody really knew what he meant by shew. I suppose we'll find out later.

46:32 Then Joseph leapt upon a rock and addressed the shepherds. They stopped their lamb thrusting and looked at him.

46:33 Joseph just kind of stared back, then quietly clambered down from the rock and shuffled away. The thrusting continued.

46:34 Pharaoh had a terrible dream. It was about his mother. He dreamt she was riding him. Then he woke up and something worse happened. He hadn't woken up. He wasn't even asleep.

47:1 Then Joseph went and told the Pharaoh, "I think your maid is having it off with... well, your other maid. Anyway, my family have fucked off from Canaan and are in Goshen."

47:2 And the Pharaoh did say, "Goshen. You have to be shitting me. Where the hell is Goshen?"

47:3 He consulted the A-Z of Biblical Iraq, but it was pretty out of date. For instance, most of the places on it had been destroyed by God.

47:4 Joseph did begin to explain why his family had gone to Goshen. "It is because, Pharaoh, Canaan is shit. Basically." There was a pregnant silence, broken by the Pharaoh who said, "Oh. Fair enough."

47:5 And the Pharaoh spake unto Joseph, saying, "N-" before choking on something, collapsing to the floor, rolling around a bit and knocking over his fathers ashes, breathing them in and choking even more.

47:6 After he wiped his fathers remains from his lips he said, "What is this world if we cannot consume our parents?" Joseph politely didn't say anything and the Pharaoh said, "Anyway, Egypt is cool, your family can chill here if they like."

47:7 And Joseph bought in Jacob, his dad, and set him before the Pharaoh, who furtively fired a microwave gun at him, in an effort to give him cancer. Or at least kill all his sperm.

47:8 And Pharaoh said unto Jacob, "My mother had vaginal cancer when I was born." After he realised what he'd said, he quickly covered up by saying, "I mean, how old are you, Jacob, non-vaginal-cancer-born-child?"

47:9 And Jacob replied, "The days of my pilgrimage are a-" and Pharaoh's mind shut down. He was mentally walking through The Valley Of Impenetrable Hymens. He often enjoyed visualising himself, slashing through countless giant, quivering flaps of skin as he made his way deeper and deeper into the Valley.

47:10 And Jacob quietly left when Pharaoh started waving his arms around in front of him, with his eyes closed. Before he shut the door, he was wiping his face, saying "Man how much can these things bleed?"

47:11 And Joseph, dragging one of his brothers out of chemotherapy, placed his family in Egypt, in the finest land, Rameses. It was so fine, in fact, that Outkast had previously been living there, but were booted out because all of their songs were actually shit.

47:12 Joseph, being a pretty nice guy, nourished his family with bread. His brother asked if he could go back to the chemotherapy. He got a loaf of bread thrust down his throat.

47:13 Then all the bread disappeared. This was pretty bad news for everyone but the kid who'd had a loaf thrust down his throat. Now he could breathe again.

47:14 Because all the bread had suddenly disappeared, God started laughing. He was sat on it all. Pretty comfy. Anyway, Joseph decided to take some cash to Pharaoh.

47:15 Unfortunately it was all counterfeit. Nobody would take his 5.5 Doolar notes.

47:16 God decided to rape an Egyptian. And they never saw him again. The Egyptian, that is.

47:17 Lots of really interesting things were going off in Egypt. Like...

47:18 ... erm...

47:19 ... well, nothing really. Just the usual bread crisis.

47:20 Now it turns out that Egyptians only eat bread and nothing else, so it was a regular old famine occuring. Joseph swanned around snapping up peoples land because they were too busy eating sand to stop him.

47:21 He gave all the land to Pharaoh, who was making a humbug last. Four months, so far.

47:22 But Joseph did not take the priests land. This was because of some kind of deal with Pharaoh and not because Joseph had a deep psychological wound relating to a time when, and let's not beat around the bush here, when a priest raped him up the ass in front of his dying parents.

47:23 So Joseph generally avoided them for both reasons, really. He went unto the people and said, "I have bought you a seed! Well, a lot of seeds! To sow! For food! Hooray!" And everyone started clapping, shortly followed by coughing, hacking and then collapsing.

47:24 Joseph informed everyone that they'd give a fifth of their food to Pharaoh. He went on to explain how four fifths would be theirs, but that was pretty obvious so nobody paid him any attention.

47:25 Then he began beatboxing in the name of the Lord. Everyone buggered off.

47:26 It became law that Pharaoh would get a fifth of everyones food. Seriously. He wrote it down on a piece of paper and then stamped it. The stamp was of a bear.

47:27 Everyone was blissfully, blissfully happy.

47:28 And Jacob lived to the age of 147. You can guess what's going to happen now, can't you?

47:29 He called out unto Joseph and said "Whaaaaaooooooooooooo, aaaaaooooo." Joseph quickly left.

47:30 Jacob decided that before he was to die, he'd clean the guillotine.

47:31 He slipped on a small childs brain and cut his own head off.

48:1 So it came to pass that Jacob almost but not quite died. He was very ill though, so ill that he had grown a vagina.

48:2 Yes, indeed. Jacob was becoming a woman.

48:3 As his breasts grew, he could be heard yelling “Kill me” under the vast expanse of make up.

48:4 Pharaoh jumped him and began humping. Jacob used the nailgun he received after the anal rape by his blind father.

48:5 Then, the most horrible thing in the world happened. Far worse than anything you have ever seen before or will again.

48:6 Jacob shuddered. Jacob writhed. Jacob GAVE FUCKING BIRTH. TO HIMSELF! A THOUSAND TIMES OVER!

48:7 Out of Jacob’s anus popped Jacob, and out of that Jacob’s anus popped another one. Until a conga line had developed.

48:8 Then each Jacob inserted a hand into the one infront’s ragged bleeding rectum and scooped out a hunk of faecal matter, which they began to rub upon their naked bodies.

48:9 Masturbation occurred and soon everything was covered in a creamy brown mixture of turds and spuff. Pharaoh dipped his finger in.

48:10 3, 2, 1… And you’re back in the room. Sorry about that, another boring section made exciting!

48:11 So anyway, Jacob went blind. Just like his old man.

48:12 Joseph balanced a pillow on Jacob’s face, dropped a spider in his glass and left.

48:13 It was all Déjà vu until Jacob removed part of Joseph’s leg with a well placed nail.

48:14 Even though he was blind, Jacob could see. Strange flashing orange lines. The machines were coming for him.

48:15 Aswell as blind, Jacob had gone mad. He would sit there and perpetually chant “Holidays are coming. Holidays are coming” all day and all night.

48:16 On the third day, he developed an ability to speak with two voices at once and began a duet.

48:17 Meanwhile, in the real world, Everyone was getting on with… whatever people did in biblical times. Nobody cared about Jacob.

48:18 It was during his time in the dreamworld however, that Jacob faced his toughest battle.

48:19 Satan arose before him, clad in the corpses of the damned. “I do like your sweater” said Jacob.

48:20 “Thanks, I knitted it myself” responded Satan, frowning. “So, how’s about coming to hell eh Jakey boy?” he continued.

48:21 Jacob didn’t understand why anyone would actively seek to enter hell. Satan laid it out on the line for him.

48:22 “Look” he said. “God n all those shit up there, they don’t care about you!” “They don’t?” asked Jacob. “They Don’t” affirmed Satan.

49:1 “Sure they got the eternal happiness, sunshine and various spa treatments. But It’s all superficial I tells ya. We torch your ass but we put a LOT into it!”

49:2 “I see what you mean” said Jacob “But I’d still prefer eternal happiness in the hands of the lord”

49:3 God appeared. “Who the fuck told you that heaven was like that?” he demanded. “The only difference between heaven and hell is that our hookers are female and don’t have crippling breast cancers!”

49:4 “Hufneh Nialhs Ghotofic” said Satan, suddenly speaking backwards.

49:5 You tried to read that backwards didn’t you?

49:6 So the arguments raged on and on. “We fuck sheeps” this and “I sucked off a black man PERSONALLY” that.

49:7 In the end, it all broke down into a futile sequence of “Who can shout the loudest” with God winning because he has nine mouths and 4 lungs.

49:8 So when they say God is everywhere, it’s not strictly true, He just speaks in Dolby 5.1 Surround.

49:9 Anyway, not a lot happens in this chapter. Jacob tells his kids that some of them are shits and some are not shits.

49:10 Lovely last few words from him.

49:11 Andy stalks through the trees, the Gorillas were less than 100 metres away.

49:12 Slowly, silently, he sneaks through the bush.

49:13 They haven’t heard him, now he tries to separate Akuma from the gang with a tranquilliser.

49:14 Sorry, I changed the channel ‘cause this chapter sucks.

49:15 A bear trundled in smoking a pipe. Jacob awoke from his dream and concluded that this must be heaven and a bear smoking is the best it gets. “Morning!” said the bear.

49:16 “To say this is the penultimate chapter in the first book of the bible, not a great deal happens, does it?” questioned the bear, whose name was Thorax.

49:17 “I’m afraid not!” said Jacob. Joseph stopped playing “Hide the thumb” to interject “There certainly won’t be any interesting plot twists, that’s for sure!”

49:18 Just then, God stopped playing “Foetus Hockey” to interject. “I would beg to differ” he said.

49:19 It began to rain.

49:20 So as not to tempt fate (or God), nobody said anything about how surprisingly normal this heavenly torrent was and perhaps God had lost his touch.

49:21 All was made clear however, when the rain started leaking through the roof and the camels, who were tied up outside, dissolved.

49:22 Tied up as in leashed to a railing, not as in hardcore bondage.

49:23 Everyone took a sigh of relief as it became apparent that God was indeed raining concentrated acid down upon them.

49:24 “Good one, Lord!” cried Thorax the bear, shortly before being swept away by a flood of acid from a window.

49:25 “I DIE!” he screamed, as his face dissolved and he was pushed further into the distance.

49:26 He was miles away when his mouth dissolved and he simply began screaming in non syllabic forms.

49:27 A bit like “Woooooouuuuuuuggghhhhh!” “MuuururrrgrgghhhaaahahhrrghhH!!” and so on.

49:28 Back at the remains of the palace, everyone took off their nitrile suits and sat down around Jacob.

49:29 Jacob told them that he wanted to be buried in the cave of Hoth the Ice God, along with Abraham, Layla, Isaac, Rebekah and Leah. It was going to be a tight fit.

49:30 “aLSO” continued Jacob, “i WANT MY gRAVESTONE TO read as follows..” he said, switching off caps lock in the process.

49:31 “Here lies Jacob, he be dead. A fucking big boulder fell on his head”.

49:32 “But I thought you had cancer,” said Joseph.

49:33 And with that, God sent an enormous meteorite to earth right ontop of Jacob’s face. Jacob was smoted… smote… smited… smitten… Uh… DESTROYED and went to heaven to play with Thorax the bear.

50:1 And Joseph fell on the now rather two dimensional body of his father and kissed his face and cried. In heaven, Jacob said, "Fag."

50:2 And Joseph then stood up and placed a single, ceremonial foetus on his fathers face.

50:3 Joseph did order his fathers body to be embalmed. This was an Egyptian speciality, like Greeks and chip shops. The Egyptians mourned for a few days.

50:4 And Joseph did cry and cry. Then, suddenly, he stopped. He stood up and ambled over to Pharaoh's house and said, "Please, listen to what I have to say."

50:5 Then Joseph explained how his father wanted to be buried in this cave full of dead bodies. Then Joseph mentioned the ceremonial foetus, placed on his fathers face. Pharaoh told him to leave.

50:6 Joseph decided to bury him in that cave anyway. He went to talk to Sparm, who was sampling the yellow fire of his wife.

50:7 "I didn't know you were married," said Joseph. Sparm said, "Oh yes, a few weeks ago." Sparm's wife continued pissing on his face. Joseph didn't really know how to continue the conversation.

50:8 So Joseph left Sparm and his wife having a liquid groin conversation and went to bury his dad. He threw his dad in the cave then, in the dark of the crypt, he saw something move...

50:9 ... so he shit his pants and shut the door.

50:10 While Joseph was mourning in the land of Atad, a shrew appeared and savaged his toe. I would say the shrew bit it straight off, but it actually took about five minutes. Joseph was too busy crying to notice.

50:11 When Joseph had noticed his toe missing, he chased the shrew, but kept falling over. So he found a small stick and stuck it in the shredded toe wound.

50:12 The bone of his foot was in the way, so he had to force the stick in really hard. It made a bulge under his skin. Still, it worked. He continued running with his new sticktoe.

50:13 He caught the shrew but, enjoying his sticktoe so much, pulled the bone out of his severed digit and forced the fleshy mess onto the stick. It looked great!

50:14 And Joseph and all his brothers went back to Egypt. Santa Claus flew overhead, but strayed into a no-fly zone and was shot down by anti aircraft missiles.

50:15 Everyone was still pretty sad Jacob was dead. He was, after all, pretty cool. Cool, geddit? He's dead, you see, so.. you know..

50:16 While they were all crying like pansies, Wumpus, Jacob's lawyer sidled up to them. "STOP CRYING YOU PANSIES," he said, "YOUR FUCKING DAD LEFT SOME WORDS I SHALL SPEAK NOW."

50:17 The words were, "FORGIVE EACH OTHER, YOU FUCKING CUNTS. SIGNED, JACOB. XXX."

50:18 Joseph and his brothers silently wiped their faces. Someone said, "Say it, don't spray it."

50:19 And Joseph said unto his brothers, "Fear not, for I am Joseph and I have the POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" He thrust his arm into the air and stared over the horizon.

50:20 God leapt down from heaven, bringing with him the Soulslaying Bumtickler, a +7 broadsword.

50:21 Joseph said, "What manner of beast are you?" because God was dressed as a lion with fifteen legs. "I am a lion," said God, "I made this outfit myself, do you like it?"

50:22 "NAY!" cried Joseph, taking off his sandal and pointing his toe at Godlion. He pulled off his toe, revealing the stick he had inserted earlier. It was a Sharp Object +3. God prepared for battle.

50:23 Joseph won the initative roll and poked God in the shin. God retaliated by slicing off Joseph's arm, picking it up and forcing the shattered bone into his ear. Joseph was pained.

50:24 So Joseph threw a rock at God. God retaliated by flying up into space (which officially doesn't exist in the bible) and picking up an extremely large planet.

50:25 He set the planet on fire, then covered it in acid. Then he produced mighty spikes, which studded the planet. He threw his burning acidic spiky planet at Joseph.

50:26 He was absolutely fucking destroyed.

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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2203