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Latest update: Numbers 32 Added 31/01/2010



32:1 God surveyed the cows thoughtfully and gave a little cough, causing some unnecessary jiggling.

32:2 An ambassador from a local tribe threaded his way through the cattle and nervously approached God, who was protruding with all his splendor. The ambassador threw up a little, but gulped it back expertly. You didn't get to be ambassador for long in biblical times without learning to swallow your own vomit.

32:3 The ambassador proclaimed himself to be coming in peace, something God had been doing before the ambassador arrived. He proclaimed himself to represent Ataroth, Dibon, Jazer, Nimrah, Heshbon, Elealeh, Shebam, Nebo and Beon.

32:4 "Those are made up names," God spat. The ambassador replied, "Aren't all names?" God chewed the inside of his face thoughtfully.

32:5 The ambassador pressed on, "The local tribes desire an end to the bloodshed. Oh, and Beon, yes it's a real name, he said 'Fuck you', because you just killed his entire family and all his followers. A pretty modest response, conside-"

32:6 God's arm extended unnaturally and a giant finger was pressed against the ambassadors lips. "Ssh," God said, before snapping his fingers. "There. You no longer represent Beon." The ambassador nodded in subdued acknowledgment.

32:7 Moses ambled outside, clutching a severed head by it's hair. The eyes were comically crossed and a tongue was lolling around. "What do you want me to do with this, oh Lord?" God flashed it a disgusted look and said, "Get rid. I'm done with it."

32:8 Moses walked off, muttering. God focused his full attention upon the ambassador. Three eyes peered into the man's very soul. "Now then," God said, "you were, erm... what was it? You were... oh yes, talking. That's it. Go on."

32:9 The ambassador said, "I came about peace." God spluttered, "Peace? I hate the word, as I hate hell, everybody and me."

32:10 "You hate yourself?" asked the ambassador. God sat on a cow and sighed. "Sometimes, yes. There's just a hollow emptiness in winning every battle I'm involved in. It's too easy. You know, between you and me, I can't even remember why I led the Israelites out of Egypt in the first place."

32:11 "Ah, I heard about that," said the ambassador diplomatically, who's brother had perished in the Red Sea all those years ago. God sighed again, "I mean, what am I doing, leading a bunch of twats around the desert, killing everybody I see?"

32:12 "There, there," said the ambassador, "Perhaps there's something you can do to make it more worthwhile? How about, I don't know, teaching the Israelites to fight properly? Then when they are victorious, so will you be, but all the more, for you put so much hard work into it."

32:13 The Lord stroked his cow. "Why, yes... interesting..." God surveyed the Israelites who were picking off cows and cooking them. "But the Israelites are useless. They're just punching bags, really. Say, those people you represent..."

32:14 The ambassador said, "Oh, you mean Ataroth, Dibon, Jazer, Nimr-" "Yes," God snapped, "Those cunts. How about they fight for me, so I make sure no more of my precious Israelites die?"

32:15 The ambassador floundered. "Er, well, I..." "GREAT!" bellowed God, "have their armies gather on this river and we'll go attack those wankers on the other side."

32:16 God jumped off his cow and embraced the ambassador a little too passionately. "Thanks for this, ambassador, it's been great having a chat with you." Moses, who had just returned from his errand, stared at them hugging. "Twenty years..." he muttered, skulking into the tabernacle.


32:17 And so it came to pass that the armies of the various local tribes nobody wants to read the name of any more were gathered on the river Jordan, slightly bemused as to why they were pointing their weapons at their previously rather friendly neighbours.

 

32:18 Moses awoke the following day to find several thousand children outside his bedroom window. He immediately shouted for God, but on hearing no reply, went and addressed the problem head on. "What do you fucking kids want?" he shouted.

32:19 A child replied, "You have to look after us. That was part of the deal. Are you God?" Moses frowned. "No, I'm not. Wait, did someone leave you wit-" God appeared suddenly, from underneath a child. "Ah, there you all are!" he exclaimed.

32:20 "Nothing to see here Moses, but while I have you, can you please go provide the gathered armies with some premium pussy, if you know what I mean. I mean hookers. Get them some prostitutes, Moses. From their womanfolk. For sex." God disappeared, taking all the children with him. Moses scratched his nose.

32:21 And so Moses did dress himself in his holiest of pimp hats and set off to perform his God given sex trafficking duties.

32:22 Meanwhile, God had dropped the kids off in Heaven (or was it Hell? He always got them mixed up) and was now lightly dusting the assembled army of local tribes with icing sugar.

32:23 And God then proclaimed unto all the masses, "Hello, everyone. I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that you are all currently going to Hell, to live and toil for an eternity of pain. The good news is, you can escape a hellish fate by fighting in this battle and defeating those Jordinians!"

32:24 And the tribes did whisper amongst themselves, while God licked his lips staring over the river at the Jordinians. A soldier spake, "What happens if we die in the battle before they are defeated? Do we still go to Hell?"

32:25 "I don't have time for these kind of minute details," God lied, "So let's just say... yes. You have to win and be alive."

32:26 God snapped his fingers and a giant chalkboard, standing forty cubits in height appeared. "Battle plan!" God proclaimed, producing a piece of chalk. He drew the river Jordan and the surrounding area, before hastily scribbling various directions for his newly enslaved armies to proceed towards.

32:27 And Moses was concerned, because the Jordinians appeared to be standing on the edge of the river and reading God's plan. A furry hand appeared on Moses' arse and God whispered unto him, "Don't worry, you're not going into battle."

32:28 And so Moses, who had recently been lobotomised by God to remove his conscience, was not concerned. Instead, he returned to his on-going duty of slapping some women who were not enthusiastic enough about being forced to have sex with some dirty camel rustlers.

32:29 God bellowed down to the army, "Mortals! The time for battle is nigh!" He checked his war-watch and saw that it was indeed five-to-battle. The armies jeered and clapped, a select few hastily trying to find a sword.

32:30 God prepared to let forth his battlecry. He held an arm up and said, "Give me a G!" The army obeyed. He held up his other arm. "Give me an O!" The army obeyed. God's penis rose fearsomely fast to join his arms in the upright pointing position. "Give me a D!" The army obeyed.

32:31 "What do you get?!" God cried. Moses whispered, "A boner" but was drowned out by the noise of the army. God heard, however, and ultracircumcised Moses where he stood.

32:32 And Moses was a broken man, because God had made him and God was not much of a craftsman. This isn't anything to do with the story, just an observation.

32:33 And so it came to pass that God ordered the army into Jordan. This was considerably less dramatic than he'd intended, as crossing the river took a while. God raised a hand to part the water, but another hand was placed on top of it.

32:34 "No," whispered the ambassador, "they have to do it on their own." God smiled and looked down at the ambassador. "You're right," he replied softly. "You're always so right."

32:36 And God and the ambassador had a little cuddle as they watched the forces of Heshbon efficiently dismembered. God smiled and his eyes wandered. He gazed upon Nebo's soldiers, who were bleeding to death on the sand.

32:37 And the children of Dibon took the initiative and beheaded the Jordanian king, who they quickly discovered to be an alien. God urged them to keep quiet about that one, as careless talk would have been very unwelcome.

32:38 And many more horrible things happened as the Jordanians were senselessly destroyed at God's whim for no other reason than the war-watch saying it was battle o'clock.

32:39 As is the warring tradition, all the Jordanian settlements were renamed after they were conquered. As is not the warring tradition, though, this was taking place while the battle was still ongoing.

32:40 In Kenath, a man was wrestling with a Jordanian just in front of the village sign. Red paint was spilled across the sand. "It's called Havawank!" a man cried. "No! It's called Kenath! The sign still says Kenath!"

32:41 The battle was resolved shortly after. God was pleased. He didn't have to do anything and he STILL won! An Israelite tasked with ensuring all the renaming had done properly approached God and spake, "Oh Lord, town of Pichsmunk cannot be renamed because someone spilled all the paint in the fighting."

32:42 God chuckled jovially and patted the Israelite on the head. He spake, "No problem, my child. It doesn't have to be renamed." The Israelite nodded at what he considered a reasonable statement. God continued, "Raze it to the ground. Then bury it."



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Last updated 07/02/2010 @ 0110