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The Book Of Leviticus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 27 

The Book of Leviticus (v. 1 - 10)

1:1 Moses awoke with a start. He was inside the tabernacle for some reason. He put on his PVC dressing gown and opened the curtain door.

1:2 He wandered about like a man who’d had his eyes shot out. A man like Isaac. Then he opened them.

1:3 As he looked out upon the new dawn, something struck him as being very odd. The sunrise was green, for a start, and all across the sky, smeared out in what appeared to be lard was the word “LEVICITUS”

1:4 God quickly corrected his spelling and the sky read “LEVITICUS – THE BOOK WHERE YOU ALL DIE! Only kidding! OR AM I!?”

1:5 Moses knew his time wasn’t due for a while so he went back inside where he discovered that God was waiting.

1:6 “Great. What do you want?” asked Moses, scrubbing his head. “Two toast, eggs, mug of tea. Ta” replied God, revelling in his creation of a third book.

1:7 Moses began cooking God’s breakfast, without even questioning it. Which was odd, normally he would have said something out of turn and forced God to murder him repeatedly.

1:8 “You seem happy this morning” shouted Moses, through the anti-fly strips over the kitchen door. “Mmm” acknowledged God. “I’m quite proud I’ve made it to the third book without having to destroy all of mankind.”

1:9 “You came pretty close with the whole Noah thing though” said Moses. “Yeah, I came pretty close when this guy called Moses sassed me off while he was making my breakfast too” replied God, lighting one of his breakfast cigars.

1:10 God’s breakfast cigars were a sight to behold. Finest shredded Cuban tobacco. With finest shredded eggs, bacon and beans. All rolled in a massive rizla.

1:11 Moses appeared with God’s breakfast. He dipped his cigar into his egg then lit it. “So. What are your plans for this book?” asked Moses.

1:12 “More of the same, I imagine. I haven’t quite thought this through yet” God said. “This is why we’ve been stuck in this place all this time. I haven’t thought up anything more dangerous or exciting to do yet.”

1:13 “I suppose we might get to the land of milk and honey. If this isn’t it already. It’s quite vague, this whole bible thing you know.”

1:14 Moses nodded agreement before adding “So you’ve not read ahead then?” to which God replied “Read the original Bible? Are you having a laugh?”

1:15 Moses confessed that this was a good point. God finished his breakfast and put his breakfast cigar out on Moses’ forehead.

1:16 “Right!” he said, rising to his feet, then several feet in the air. “Moses, M’boy! We have work to do! Or… we might have” he said, before floating out of the tabernacle and up Sinai.

1:17 Moses dearly wished that this could be the chapter of his demise, but he feared his prayers would not be answered as God had removed the wishing star from the sky to use as an over-sink light in his bathroom.

2:1 God demanded tribute for his patience, because he was always a ruthless bastard when he played Civilization 2.

2:2 God then said, "Aaron, bring me a bowl of flour. And some frankincense." God waggled his eyebrows, but nobody understood the significance of frankincense. Even less knew how to spell it.

2:3 And that's actually a negative number. God offered Aaron some meat, only to snatch it away at the last moment. "Ha ha haaaa!" guffawed God, irritatingly.

2:4 "I will trade you meat for meat," proclaimed God, spinning a steak on his finger. Aaron said, "What? What about all that... Tabernacle... stuff?"

2:5 God put on a wide brimmed hat, stood under a lamppost and said, "So be it. We shall meet in the Tabernacle." Then he lifted up his trenchcoat collar and shuffled away.

2:6 Aaron, slightly bemused, went to Butcher Harris. He was not a butcher. Well, he was, but not the kind Aaron wanted. Aaron quickly left Butcher Harris.

2:7 Meanwhile, in the Tabernacle, God wielded a frying pan. "Behold, the Holy Frying Pan Of Teflonia, Sacred Non-Stick City!"

2:8 He waveth it around with much gusto, much to the horror of bystanders, as it was, or rather, had been full of boiling fat.

2:9 A nearby priest caught fire, but this was God's frustration at the distortion of his message rather than the flying fat.

2:10 The priest was preaching "Good will". God was preaching, "Kill kill kill, kill them all."

2:11 He also killed anyone who stole jokes from standup comedians.

2:12 Aaron turned up to the Tabernacle with some tofu. God spaketh, "Is this some kind of fucking joke?" Aaron admitted it was. God said, "Well, it's not very funny. I almost had you killed."

2:13 Aaron produced the finest beef steaks, lamb burgers and cat sausages. God was pleased and he stuck them in the pan.

2:14 He added some salt, a little pepper and finally the severed ears of a deaf man. God said, "It's not like he'll miss them."

2:15 Aaron pointed out that the deaf mans living was from performing tricks with his ears. God said, "That's okay, he's bleeding to death anyway."

2:16 Everyone sat down and feasted on meat and verily it was delicious, if somewhat still alive.

3:1 God mentioned something about meaty sacrifices. Someone would have sighed or looked worried, but they’d all become rather used to it.

3:2 God continued by saying people should kill stuff outside the tabernacle, then Moses would dance around it, sprinkling semen everywhere.

3:3 Moses checked his contract. This kind of shit was definitely not in it.

3:4 God stated that he only wanted the heads and genitalia to be sacrificed. He refused to comment further. Understandably.

3:5 “Then you gotta burn all that shit on the altar of burnt sacrifice!” All these weird structures were beginning to fall into place.

3:6 As it turns out, all this sacrifice stuff came under the subsection of “peace sacrifices” which was plainly a lie, as you had to kill something to make one, and God would kill you anyway.

3:7 God finished his speech and transcended to heaven, where he prepared marmite on toast before masturbating furiously. God fucking loved marmite.

3:8 Moses sat on a rock. The people of Israel looked bemused. For the next 5 minutes or so, nothing happened. Nobody moved. Nobody spoke. Nothing Happened.

3:9 Then suddenly, something happened.

3:10 The rock, tired of years of oppression, was now sitting on Moses.

3:11 Moses had the look of a man who really didn’t care that a giant boulder was sitting on his back, slowly compacting his organs.

3:12 Someone came up to Moses. “Are you alright?” he said. “Fine” said Moses, toying with a pebble using his nose.

3:13 “Erm… ok” said the Israelite, walking back to the others, who were just returning to work.

3:14 What exactly “Work” was in a barren wasteland, was anybody’s guess.

3:15 So basically, the Israelites resumed their daily lives. Drawing silly pictures, Beating each other’s children and eating dirt.

3:16 Stone Cold turned up. As is ritual for 3:16 chapters, incase you didn’t notice (You fucking idiot).

3:17 He lifted the rock from off Moses. “Come on Moses, we’ve got… something… to do”. Moses glanced at him. Stone Cold just turned and ran. Ran until he could no longer be seen.

4:1 In a staggering adherence to tradition, God spake unto Moses, saying:

4:2 "A sinner who sineth through ignoranth... er, ignorance is still a sinner. He shall be cast into the furnath. Furnace."

4:3 He continued saying, "If a priest sineth, he must bringeth a bulleth to the Tabernacle and slice off its head. Right in front of me. Me-eth. Me."

4:4 Moses asked if God was feeling alright. In response, God raised an empty gallon bottle, of which was written on the side: 'Morphine'.

4:5 And God did keel over backwards, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Being God, they just kept rolling.

4:6 Moses, full of concern and saliva said, "God? You okay?" He walked over and peered at his face and saw God's eyes spinning wildly in his head. "I suppose not," mumbled Moses, backing away.

4:7 A priest rolled up to the Tabernacle with a bull. "I have sinned," he declared. Moses, who was having a crafty fag said, "Ohhh, a bull. I wondered what God was on about."

4:8 Moses said God was inside and the priest entered. A chain-gang of boys followed, carrying knives, cleavers and swords. Moses watched them walk in while he finished his cigarette, before throwing it into the grass.

4:9 Moses thought, "I look so cool, smoking." And he did. Smoking was cool. Really cool.

4:10 Moses smoked Camel brand. For The True Biblical Flavour.

4:11 Moses smoked. So should you.

4:12 While Moses was posing, he suddenly heard a screaming. A great, milk-curdeling scream. A scream so primal, it sent shivers down Moses spine. He lit up another Camel brand. He just loved that True Biblical Flavour.

4:13 The screaming stopped, only to be replaced by the unmistakeable sound of a jugular gushing blood.

4:14 God, appearing by Moses side said, "Don't you just love sacrifices?"

4:15 Moses turned and smiled at his old friend. God grinned back, his eyes still spinning horribly in his head. Moses lit up another cigarette, raising the amount in his mouth to two.

4:16 God nonchantly said, "I told him to sacrifice his chain-gang of bladeslaves." God sparked up a cigarette too. Camel brand.

4:17 The priest who had sinned was slaughtering his children-in-chains. Being trapped, they had little choice but to kill themselves, which saved the priest a job.

4:18 The priest put two childhands on the horns of the altar. God said this was in very bad taste and demanded their eyes were impaled on the fingers of the horn impaled hands.

4:19 Moses changed the blood runoff tray and replaced it with a very large reservoir channel. Or the Red Sea, as it would be called when English was invented.

4:20 A bullock wandered out of the Tabernacle, only to be dragged back by a velociraptor.

4:21 The velociraptor was then shot by the priest with a gun. In the distance, the rattle of a cockatrice was heard.

4:22 God decided to announce, "Everyone is guilty." Which didn't bode well for the British legal system in 3000 years.

4:23 When pressed for elaboration, God pressed peoples eyes in. Elaboration was soon off the menu, along with rat and snail sushi.

4:24 God forspake, "Only the head of a goat will absolve you of your sins." He twisted a finger in his ear. Forspaking was weird.

4:25 Moses, repairing the blood runoff channel in the Tabernacle said, "What about the sin of killing a goat?"

4:26 God was as silent as a crouching crab. "Bulls," he finally spuketh. He stuck his finger in his ear again, doubting the validity of spuketh as a word.

4:27 Ignoring spuketh, he decided to indulge in some speakery. He spoketh, "You must carve the head of a bull with 'I am sorry' while it is still alive. However, it must die less than one minute after it has been carved."

4:28 God produced a pamphlet titled, "Sinning: The Biggest Sin." Moses sighed. It had a picture of him on the cover, crucified.

4:29 "I think that's in very poor taste," Moses said, "considering..."

4:30 "Don't worry," God spokulated, "Jesus hasn't been born yet." Moses nodded knowingly and said, "Ah, I see. Alright then."

4:31 God didn't like the matter of fact way Moses had accepted being portrayed crucified, so he crucified him.

4:32 "Oh, charming," said Moses, matter of factly taking the massive amounts of pain and death he was feeling.

4:33 God said, "I had a point this chapter, you know. It was all about how to absolve sins by killing things."

4:34 Moses, spitting blood and possibly some small organs said, "Ugh, really? I, urgh, hadn't noticed..."

4:35 God gave up on the whole thing. What was the point of sin if it could be absolved?

5:1 “Because there have to be fundamentalist religious lunatics to draw comparables to. So people will realise how stupid they are” said Moses, blood running into his eyes.

5:2 God found this most intriguing and pulled Moses off the cross. Which was actually more painful than staying on it as he was nailed to it at the time.

5:3 God, uplifted with this new found power over fundamentalist mentalists, began making up sins left right and center. Center was the most sinful of all.

5:4 In actual fact, God just sat outside the tabernacle in his black stripy deckchair, pint of whisky in hand, watching what the Israelites were doing and making sins from that.

5:5 Moses sat beside him, scribing down sinful things furiously.

5:6 God saw a man stroking a cow. “It is now a sin to stroke cows” he said.

5:7 God saw a cow stroking a man. “It is now a sin for cows to stroke men” he said.

5:8 God saw a man inserting his penis into a cow. God looked away.

5:9 “Just for the record, Moses, I did NOT see that! Ok?” he said. Moses nodded.

5:10 Moses still scribed however, “Gay people should just kill themselves. For this is truly the most abysmal of all sins and will bring about the end of days”. Moses smiled. Cheeky.

5:11 God continued to rant on and on, getting more drunk as he went. Moses stopped writing and had a reflective moment.

5:12 He noticed how life wasn’t getting him down so much recently. Not like the whole “Plagues” thing anyway. He also noticed how he cared a lot less for humanity…

5:13 Suddenly, Moses stopped thinking, as he’d been staring at the horizon again. And this time the horizon had taken exception.

5:14 Moses awoke several hours later. It was dark. And he was covered in his own piss.

5:15 He went into the tabernacle, where God was writing more sins on post-it notes and sticking them all over his face.

5:16 Moses glanced at him on the way to the shower, he caught the words “Sphincter”, “Blue M&Ms” and “Hideous burning doom”. God was clearly on top of things.

5:17 While he was in the shower, the substance with which he was being showered changed frequently. Such was the labour of living with God.

5:18 Moses had learnt to accept that he would be showered daily with water, processed cheese, piss, cement, lego, those little bits of fluff you find in carpet. He drew the line at molten lava, though he only got that on God’s pissed-off days.

5:19 He got out of the shower and went to bed. Which caught fire as soon as he got in. Moses sighed, calmly got out of bed, then ran down the street, flailing his arms and screaming.

6:1 As Moses ran out of his house screaming, God adopted a flat tone of voice and spake:

6:2 "If one sins against a neighbour, or sins watching Neighbours, or trespasses on a neighbour, or trespasses on the set of Neighbours..."

6:3 He continued, "And if one finds a tenner on the stairs and proclaims it to be 'Finders Keepers', even after hearing the lamentation of a neighbour, who cries he has lost the final ten pounds for his daughter's heart transplant..."

6:4 Still he continued, "Then one is a sinner! You have sinned, committed sinnery. Sinnery has occur-" Moses coughed loudly.

6:5 Moses said, "I believe that gag has been done to death. Carry on."

6:6 God did not falter and said, "Then, in the name of, well, me, they must bring a sacrificial grade ram or sheep to the priest."

6:7 Moses yawned while God said, "Then atonement may begin and weed bowling bag ball cough syrup."

6:8 Moses blinked.

6:9 God scratched his head, laughing nervously, "Ah, I got bored. Just can't keep that kind of shit up, y'know?"

6:10 But contrary to his words, God kept it up. Moses was horrified and averted his eyes.

6:11 God spuke, "Whyfore thou stare upon my penis, Moses? Is this going to be a chapter about homosexuality?"

6:12 Moses wished a hole would open up in the ground and swallow him. I'm sure you can write a punchline to that. The joke has probably been made before anyway.

6:13 God sat upon the Tricycle Of Lecturery, which was ambiguous in both the nature of its three wheels and the syllable construction of the name.

6:14 "Moses," God said, "If you ever sin and need to atone your sins, I would forgive you for a lamb burger."

6:15 Moses nodded feebly and for a moment and thought he had escaped.

6:16 And he had. But in a sense, he had not. Moses sensed the Tricycle of Lecturery was having an ambiguating effect on everything.

6:17 Including the createry of verbs.

6:18 God sat back and grew a beard. Then he stroked it, because he had taken a break and had forgotten what was going on.

6:19 And so God gave unto Moses a book, bound in red and silver, with a little bookmark made from a dried lizard.

6:20 Upon the book was writ, "1001 Recipes For Atonement Of Sins: Now With Colour Illustrations."

6:21 God told Moses to go to page 241, whereupon Moses gazed upon Man Meat Surprise. The colour illustration was decidedly graphic.

6:22 God said, "A priest shall eat the meal for me and, when the priest dies and eat his body, I shall eat your meal and your sins shall be forgiven, if you didn't go overboard with the pepper."

6:23 And Moses replied, "So, let me get this straight. Our sins aren't forgiven until the priest dies and you... eat him?"

6:24 God said, "Correct! And if you kill the priest, you need to feed another one to be forgiven. So don't do that."

6:25 Moses thought about this for 40 seconds and 40 flipseconds, which is what time is measured in when you're upside down.

6:26 "We're screwed," concluded Moses, "Unless... we kill the priest without you seeing!"

6:27 God shook his head and said, "Nay, Moses, for I have many eyes." With that, God's eyes sprouted countless stalks which flew forward, sprouting eyes.

6:28 Moses decided to change the subject, batting away an eye. "So... can I become a priest?"

6:29 God thrust an application form at Moses. "Filled in, in triplicate, with a black Pen Of Holy Ink. You will need your National Insurance number, which you do not know, so you must guess."

6:30 Moses took the forms and retreated, tripping over some tape and dashing his brains out on a rock. God bought him to life and said, "Be more careful, Moses, I might just not give you morphine next time."

7:1 “That’s what we’re telling the Israelites anyway” said God.

7:2 “Wait a second” said Moses, looking into the Crabglass. Time froze while the author took the time to explain something.

7:3 The Crabglass is a Crab shaped mirror, for looking into the future. It will only be mentioned once more in the history of the world.

7:4 “You’re never going to absolve their sins are you!” Moses said. God shook his head. Moses dropped the Crabglass, breaking it irreparably.

7:5 God refused to offer further clarification on the whole system of sins and absolvery, choosing instead to go out onto the porch and smoke.

7:6 Moses wandered after him, finding God sat in a deckchair, trousers around his ankles.

7:7 “Nice day for it” said God, making typically British conversation.

7:8 Moses mused on this, as he had no idea what “British” meant, or what a “Brit” was, or indeed how to be like one.

7:9 Moses’ mind wandered, as it had been trained to do recently, what with the whole pile of nothing that was happening.

7:10 It had developed a highly complex pattern of ordered thought which would be known in a few thousand years as Microsoft Excel.

7:11 So his brain pondered “Brit”, came up with a formula for imagining what it may be, and plonked it into a lovely spreadsheet, edged in lilac and italicised.

7:12 The two most probable answers turned out to be “A type of scooter” and “One of the moons of Jupiter”.

7:13 Moses was either retarded or a genius, because scooters hadn’t been invented. And neither had Jupiter.

7:14 Moses spent the next three hours deliberating what Scooters and Jupiters were. Then a few hours thinking about rods. Rods.

7:15 Suddenly, Moses realised he’d been thinking to futile ends again to pass the time. The real matter at hand sprang back into his mind.

7:16 “A nice day for what! You’re sat out here in a deckchair with your trousers down! What could you POSSIBLY be doing!” he cried.

7:17 But alas, Moses had spent so long thinking that God had gone inside a mere 3 hours previously. While Moses was still thinking about rods. Rods.

7:18 It had, in fact, become dark.

7:19 Moses decided to go for a midnight stroll, carefully stepping over the bodies of the Israelites who had fallen in their work.

7:20 The bible was still painfully unclear on what exactly this work was. Or if the new authors had just made it up and had forgotten that they did.

7:21 Mystery solved. They were actually harvesting sand for the local glass factory. Glass had yet to be invented but when it was, they’d have the fucking head-start.

7:22 Just then, in a stunning break from tradition, something happened.

7:23 God appeared from behind a bush, where a hooker was lying, looking rather dead. He took a walk with Moses.

7:24 As it turns out, God had been “looking after” his “friend”, who just happened to be a dead hooker. Moses agreed not to tell anyone.

7:25 “So anyway” continued God, “I was fu… talking to my hoo… friend, when I had an epiphany”.

7:26 “No more eating Cows, Goats, Sheep, anything like that”

7:27 “That’s it?” asked Moses. “That’s it.” Confirmed God.

7:28 “You came up with a law about not eating cloven footed animals whilst you were fucking a hook…” “FRIEND, I WAS LOOKING AFTER A FRIEND!!” interrupted God.

7:29 Moses accepted God’s blatant lie, just as he had accepted the others, and wandered back into the tabernacle. Which seems to have become Moses and God’s house.

7:30 Moses was lying in bed, contemplating the far reaching effects of not being able to eat cloven footed animals. It was gonna be torture when someone invented pigs.

7:31 Moses rolled over and quickly found himself accelerating upwards at a mighty rate of knots. He was also on fire.

7:32 He could only conclude that he had rolled onto one of God’s strategically placed land mines.

7:33 Moses landed in the armchair next to God. “Good one” he said. God acknowledged him by flapping the top of his head, which opened on a sort of hinge mechanism.

7:34 This verse has been omitted because the author has cookies and must savour them

7:35 That previous verse will be construed as “Cookies are the food of God” and millions of crazy-religious American types will get uber-fat.

7:36 Seriously, we’re giving you people reasons for all the world’s problems and no solutions at all. Just as religion should be!

7:37 The next time someone tells you that the solution is to have faith in the lord, punch them in the face. I’m serious.

7:38 Erm… Anywayyy…

8:1 God decided to insert some more morality into his bible. Moses took a deep breath.

8:2 God regarded Moses coldly, turned his back on him and pulled Aaron into a cave.

8:3 God pulled a rock over the door, glaring accusingly at Moses. The rock slammed shut and Moses suddenly felt so alone.

8:4 Moses decided to have a little get together outside The Tabernacle to eae his lonliness. He thumbed through his mobile phone, looking for his friends numbers. A punchline loomed overhead.

8:5 Moses had no friends.

8:6 So Moses did craft a variety of friends from various softwood products. He called them names like "Ash" and "Woody".

8:7 For no reason at all, he built a radar array and surrounded his friends with the dishes.

8:8 Then he clad himself in a breastplate. It granted him +3 protection against slashing damage and attracted a variety of metals.

8:9 He put a casserole dish upon his head and said to his friends, "Why the wooden expression?"

8:10 Moses sanctified his feet in a font. Steam rose from the font and bubbled furiously. Moses feared he had aroused the Devil, but then he realised he was boiling his feet in a kettle.

8:11 The bubbling of his flesh did not match the pain in his heart. He missed God.

8:12 He annoited Woody's head with a depressed slowness. Moses withdrew his hand and left his fingers on Woody's head.

8:13 Moses had a doubletake at the font. It was actually a large barrel of fast-acting, holy-water-imitating woodglue. Moses stared at his hand.

8:14 Blood gushed forward from his stumps. Moses looked at his ruined hand and sighed. It wasn't the same without God.

8:15 Moses poured his blood onto the altar. Moses sighed and looked out of the Tabernacle window. It was curiously caked in birdshit.

8:16 "I tried so hard," Moses said, "and got so far. And in the end, it doesn't even matter."

8:17 With his still intact hand, Moses scribed some poetry. It rhymed words like "pain" and "again". And "cry" and "die".

8:18 God burst through the window. "God!" said Moses, happily.

8:19 God said, "Shut your disgusting human mouth, you fucking cunt. I've had enough of your shit. I'm back and I'm going to fucking sort this shit out. Fuck."

8:20 God pulled Moses' fingers off Woody and jammed them into Moses' eyes. "Oh God!" cried Moses, "I've missed you!"

8:21 God gritted his teeth and pressed on. He pulled Moses' fingers out of his eyes, leaving gaping, dripping holes. God proceeded to twist off Moses' scrotum, pop out his testicles and force them into his eyes.

8:22 "If I could cry with happiness, I would!" Moses wailed. God grunted as he prised off every nail on his Moses' feet and drove a rusty nail through eat exposed toe.

8:23 "Never leave me again! I love you, God!" said Moses. A testicle fell out of his eye.

8:24 God sat down and said, "Fucking hell. I leave you alone for one chapter and you manage to queer it all up and I don't mean homosexually. I mean wankly. Was that poetry you were writing?"

8:25 "It was from the heart!" said Moses. God got pissed off (again) and forced a syringe into Moses' lungs. He slowly filled them up with boiling water.

8:26 As Moses' breathing quickened, God dislocated his arm and forced Moses' hand into his mouth.

8:27 God said, "Even a sacrifice cannot make up for what you did, only unbridled violence."

8:28 Moses died. God relaxed and left him dead for a while. "What a wanker, eh Woody?"

8:29 Woody said nothing. Bits of skin were stuck to his face. God realised he was talking to a wooden plaything of Moses creation.

8:30 God cast Woody into the furnace.

8:31 "That wasn't very nice," said Moses. God spun and stared. Moses was still dead on the floor. God said, "Who said that?"

8:32 After a slight exploration through his pockets God was slightly richer and he discovered a tape player. He rewound it a minute and hit play.

8:33 "That wasn't very nice," said Moses. God stared with contempt at the tape recorder.

8:34 God was infuriated. "So his constant moaning has been prerecorded all along?! The bastard!"

8:35 Aaron sidled up to God. "Wasn't there supposed to be some morality in this chapter?"

8:36 God turned slowly to face Aaron, his face grave. He said, "Never write poetry."

9:1 God sat on Moses, resting his elbow on his knee and stroking his beard.

9:2 After a few moments, Aaron appeared, quietly mumbling to himself about what colour dress he should wear today.

9:3 Raise one of your eyebrows, open your eyes slightly wider and thoughtfully tongue the inside of your cheek. Seriously, do it.

9:4 I would say that was the face God made at Aaron, but I think I just wrote it to make you look like a fucking idiot.

9:5 Ok, ok, stick out your tongue as if you’re trying to touch your nose, then frown as hard as you can.

9:6 If you actually did that, you’re stupider than I thought. Infact, stop reading this right now.

9:7 Aaron asked God what he was doing. God stated that he was pondering, which was the act of stealing fish using nothing but the power of the MIND.

9:8 “Oh.” quoth Aaron.

9:9 Seriously, he pronounced the full stop too.

9:10 “PORN!” said God. Aaron agreed, but just walked off instead of taking the time to find out what God was on to.

9:11 Infact, God had adopted a Lancashire accent, so “PORN!” came out more like “PAAUN!”

9:12 God sprang up, summoned forth the “Stair ‘o’ Naked Ladies” (which led to heaven) and ascended.

9:13 He got 4 steps up before having one of those despairing moments where you have to turn around and come back downstairs again.

9:14 He reached the bottom and brought Moses back to life before putting a copy of Elton John under his arm and pondering off to heaven to watch some PORN!

9:15 Perhaps I should clarify, the “copy of Elton John” refers to a giant inflatable Elton doll (with all the correct orifices), available via mail order for £29.99.

9:16 Your anonymity is assured. Honest.

9:17 Moses removed his fist from his mouth and found that he had an erection, which he poked into his waistband.

9:18 He had the kind of temporary restriction in his chest that indicated someone had been sat on him. Moses suspected it was a ladygirl.

9:19 Or a bull. That was equally likely.

9:20 Moses got up and wandered off, possibly out of the tabernacle. I can’t be bothered to check if all this actually occurred in the tabernacle. What!? It’s late!

9:21 He arrived at a public toilet and began to bathe in one of the sinks, coating himself in pale pink liquid soap.

9:22 Once he had finished his rather rubbish bath, he went into one of the cubicles, where he was promptly consumed by the lavatory.

9:23 Meanwhile, in heaven, a little light blinked on God’s wall. It was God’s warning light that somewhere… the toilet menace had returned.

9:24 God smirked and continued watching Puke Fetish CUMpilation 3.

10:1 Nabab and Kebab, the sons of Aaron set a mighty sacrificial fire right underneath God's chair.

10:2 God wailed, "What the fuck are you sacrificing?! Me?!" and with that he smote them like one would smite a man who, wielding a pistol and screaming at your pregnant wife, just turned the gun on you.

10:3 Moses turned to Aaron, who was silently weeping and said, "Fucking hell, that was a bit disturbing."

10:4 Aaron said, "You'd do the same if someone was pointing a gun at you. Oh, my sons, why did I lend you that tenner..."

10:5 Aaron picked up his coat made from Carebears and went to organise the wake. Moses decided to have a word in God's ear.

10:6 He spuke, "You could have bought them back to life, you horrible cock." God merely shrugged it off, siphoning petrol from Moses' car.

10:7 Moses continued, "And pack that in! That's my petrol! I paid good money for that and a Mars bar down at the local Esso!" God listened and stopped, to Moses' amazement.

10:8 God walked away and Moses' car exploded in a shower of expletives.

10:9 Moses ducked as "Cuuuuunnnnntttt!" flew over his head.

10:10 "For a moment," moaned Moses, "I thought you'd actually listened to me and done something nice."

10:11 "Silence!" bellowed God, puffing some bellows, "I am the king around here. And also the god. King God, you may call me." God struck a pose with his bellows.

10:12 Moses hesitated, so God turned upon him. "Lord God commands you shut up! Something actually biblical is about to happen!"

10:13 Suddenly, everyone appeared at a mighty feast. Moses asketh, "Is this really biblical?" to which King God replied, "Yeth, it fucking ith!"

10:14 God swallowed the cockatrice and said, "You could say this is a wake for Aaron's kids, but it's not, because I killed them and thus it is outlawed to even remember them."

10:15 "Remember who?!" cried Aaron, waving a bottle of sake in the vague direction of the universe. God cheered, "That's the spirit!"

10:16 Moses suddenly dropped his fork and cried, "Behold, I have sinned!" Everyone turned on Moses and glanced at his plate. Upon it rest the most holy of creatures, a vole.

10:17 "Villainy!" cried God, "You villain! A villa of villains! What have you done, having eaten my most precious of creatures? You may not know this, but voles were the first thing I made!"

10:18 Don't look that up, because it's a lie.

10:19 Moses, enduring the pre-emptive damnation suffering of his eyes bursting over and over pointed a finger at God's plate. "Thassa... vole... too..." he gasped.

10:20 God gave a start. "Well, dipsy-doo! Sorry, Moses." With that, Aaron's sons came back to life, which was a pleasant surprise. God had to be planning something. And he was. A party. A birthday party. In Hell! "Bwahaha!" laughed God, for nobody but the readers pleasure.

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The Book Of Leviticus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 27
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2303