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The Book Of Leviticus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 27 

The Book of Leviticus (v. 11 - 20)

11:1 God took Moses to one side, pulling him by the elbow. He muttered into his ear whilst giving an impression of a friendly chat. And not a bollocking.

11:2 “Now listen here, you fucking shit. I call the shots around here. And the shits. So do as I say and not as I do! Got it!?”

11:3 Moses was slightly unclear on the matter, so God explained it to him using his old “root vegetables and orifices” routine.

11:4 Moses then understood that voles were for God’s personal eating only. He removed a carrot from his ear before sitting down again.

11:5 God resumed his seat at the head of the table. As he sat, Moses noticed he was sat on a throne. A throne of the DEAD.

11:6 Moses raised an eyebrow and cleared his throat. God quickly threw a fork at him, which stuck into his chair just beside his third eye.

11:7 “I see” said Moses, flashing God a glance with said third eye.

11:8 God finished his vole and threw it into the river, which quickly turned to bees and flew away.

11:9 All of the Israelites looked at God solemnly. A small orphan boy spoke up “God, what are we to drink now that our river has become… mobile?”

11:10 God turned his head in a slow, deliberate, here-comes-an-epic-line fashion. Looking through his straggly grey hair, he said:

11:11 “Ye must drink the bees”

11:12 And with that, a great clamour of confusion and panic ensued, as the Israelites ran from the table.

11:13 As a short aside, the author pondered (without stealing fish) the sheer size of this table at which the Israelites feasted.

11:14 New from Ikea! The Nurgenstrom Israelite Feasting Table! Seats 5,000 Israelites, Solid Pine Construction, Adjustable Legs! £10.99!

11:15 Moses sat unflinching, chewing his roast rat, until all the Israelites had rather rudely left the table.

11:16 “Was that really necessary?” he asked God. God curled his lip and shrugged.

11:17 “Honestly” said God, picking something from under his nails, “You moan when you’ve got nothing to do, and now I’ve invented something for them to do, you moan still!”

11:18 “Yeah, b…” started Moses, only to be cut off by God. “MOANY MOANY MOANY!” he said, not quietly.

11:19 Moses conceded that he saw some, SOME, sense in God’s plan.

11:20 God accepted that this was probably the best he could get from some fag with MORALS.

11:21 “So…” said Moses, sitting down next to God and lighting his breakfast cigar for him. “Are you going to fetch them back?”.

11:22 God watched intently as thousands of Israelites went sprinting off into the distance, avidly pursuing a large swarm of insects.

11:23 “Eventually.”

11:24 Aaron was seen to wander out of the tabernacle, zipping up his man-suit. Moses and God gave him the knowledgeable nod.

11:25 “Sup guys” said Aaron, towelling off his hair. Moses looked away. God took a drag of his breakfast cigar.

11:26 Aaron politely inquired as to where the Israelites had gone. After much prolonged silence trying to think of the right words, Moses came up with “Away”.

11:27 “Ah… right” said Aaron, thoughtfully. He was combing his hair with a saw.

11:28 Aaron sat next to Moses and put on his thinking socks.

11:29 After a while, he spoke. “This another chapter where nothing happens?”. God nodded.

11:30 “And you’ve invented something instead, to try and make it interesting?”. Moses nodded.

11:31 “And you’re ready to accept my sexuality now?”. God removed Aaron’s eyes.

11:32 “I see” said Aaron, ducking as an ominous punch-line swooped down to claim him.

11:33 God replaced Aaron’s eyes and began to signal in semaphore to The Great Pea upon the mountain.

11:34 Moses and Aaron held a lengthy conversation about how FUCKING LONG THIS CHAPTER IS.

11:35 The Great Pea signalled a sexist joke to God. Several Israelites were offended from a great distance.

11:36 Unfortunately, as their jaws dropped due to the tasteless jest, they unleashed the bees they were trying to drink at the time.

11:37 Fucking. Pissed off. Bees.

11:38 The Great Pea laughed a mighty pea laugh. He semaphored his laugh to God.

11:39 God was impressed with the Great Pea’s semaphorery skills. And also with the price of sex nowadays.

11:40 Yeah, I said it. I went there.

11:41 My co-author pays for sex you know.

11:42 Sex in the ass.

11:43 With men.

11:44 And livestock.

11:45 Smothered in lard.

11:46 Topped with M&Ms.

11:47 Thank fuck that chapter is over. I need to drink.

12:1 And the Lord entered The Tabernacle and span the Trinitological Roulette Wheel. God winced when he witnessed what it had landed upon.

12:2 "So!" cried God merrily, "Circumcision!" Moses put down his shrimp. After a moments thought, he threw it in the bin and said, "Go on."

12:3 God jovially said, "When a woman has given birth, she's not allowed to wash! For SEVEN DAYS! Then on the eight day her baby boy is circumcised!"

12:4 God's right hand flew to his throat, but was held back by his left hand. He said, "Then... urgh... then the woman is... argh, damn you hand, the woman is seperated from her family for a MONTH!"

12:5 God poked himself in the eye and then restrained himself. "What am I saying, oh, aaargh, the... the blood is... not to be washed for TWO WEEKS! HA! TWO WEEKS!"

12:6 Thusly, God had invented postnatal depression.

12:7 God fell over and began wrestling with himself. Moses turned to Aaron and said, "So, is thi-" Aaron cut him off and screamed, "OBEY!" OBEY! OBEY!"

12:8 Moses wrote in his diary that night: 'Had an odd evening. God was being a cunt, but differently. Then I was chased home by horses, backwards. Odd evening.'

13:1 God stood upon his podium and tappeth the microphone.

13:2 “One… One Two… One Two, Kill A Jew, Ninety Nine, One Hun-dred!” he chimed, beaming with a grin that would make Challenger explode on take-off.

13:3 The Jewish Israelites turned en masse, staring at God intently. The non-Jewish ones danced for a bit. But then they stopped and stared too, because it was the in-thing.

13:4 “Friends! Romans! Coun…” God stopped short, realising he was going to unleash Shakespeare a lot later.

13:5 “Jews! Uh… Jews! And… Well, Moses?” God’s epic introductory speech tailed off. The crowd murmured for a while. God started to sweat.

13:6 “I’ve put this off for far too long” he whispered, toying with a ring in his waistcoat pocket.

13:7 He regained his composure and continued. “I am pleased to announce that all lepers should now be brought to a priest!” he yelled.

13:8 The news did not go down so well with the Israelites. They had expected something much better, like perhaps something happening.

13:9 After all, they’d paid £45 a ticket for this!

13:10 The lepers however, rejoiced. But then, however, God however, continued. However.

13:11 “If the leper be MANKY, and the disease be OLD, like the finger of a woman”

13:12 “The leper shall be declared “Unfit for Clown School” and will be sent to the Lair of the Omnisnake”

13:13 The clarification button was pressed. The author cracked his knuckles.

13:14 The Omnisnake is a strange beast indeed, found upon the plains of Harrilolabunnnng.

13:15 It has never been accurately measured, but estimates range from 10 to 6 million cubits.

13:16 The Omnisnake’s scales are forged from “stuff”, while it’s lair is lined with a sticky mixture of saliva and “things”.

13:17 Also, it has only been seen once. And on that occasion it ate a manky leper.

13:18 Finally, the Omnisnake is extremely aggrieved at it’s typecasting as a leper-eating deathbeast and will not be making a second series.

13:19 The clarification button was un-pressed, the ambiguity knob was twizzled, and things pretty much returned to normal in the bible.

13:20 “Yet!” continued God, amid the thunderous sound of thousands of lepers being led to the Omnisnake.

13:21 And then fed to the Omnisnake. I just spotted the opportunity, and I didn’t ask, I JUST FUCKING TOOK IT.

13:22 Oh man, this guy on TV is REALLY ugly. I’m just taking a moment from bible writing to savour his ugliness.

13:23 Right, I’m back.

13:24 God continued, “If the leper be MID-MANKY. And the disease be middle-aged, like sausages from Tesco.”

13:25 “Then he shall be cast back into the fires from whence he came”. God glanced at the author as another blatant reference was packed into this chapter.

13:26 Ok, no more. But I’m serious about the fires bit.

13:27 The great leper fires were large cracks in the desert out from which the lepers first sprang.

13:28 A vast chasm, filled with molten leper and weird floaty croutons.

13:29 Only men with beards could withstand it’s phenomenal heat and… and… leprosy.

13:30 …

13:31 That was until a few years ago, when the cracks were filled in to make way for a bypass.

13:32 So as God continued to rant, lots of flaky lepers wandered past, led by a group of fearless, heavily bearded men, armed with shovels.

13:33 “Finally!” God continued, “If the disease be fresh! Fresh as a virgin!” The crowd fell silent once again.

13:34 God reached under the podium and stroked his gun, eventually withstanding the urge and carrying on.

13:35 “Yes… Uh… If the disease be fresh, then the leper shall be sent to the BATHS”

13:36 This was slightly anticlimactic, considering what had happened to the previous lepers.

13:37 It was so anticlimactic, a man actually dropped dead from an aneurysm.

13:38 The build up had weakened his aortic wall. And once the news wasn’t so bad, his aorta figured “Hey… what the hell! I’ve gone to all this trouble…”

13:39 On the whole, a bit spiteful really. Relations between the man and his circulatory system were edgy for a while afterwards.

13:40 Anyway, THE BATHS. These, as you can probably predict without the need for a crystal ball or a bag of crabs, were no ordinary baths.

13:41 They were filled with oil.

13:42 Boiling oil.

13:43 God hates lepers.

13:44 And verily, God completed his epic speech and the Israelites did feast!

13:45 Feast upon deep-fried… something. The taste was quite unique.

13:46 And so, after the feast, God strode into the tabernacle. Moses was sitting on the table.

13:47 “Gammon. Egg on top. Brown sauce. 5 slices of bread. Buttered with Lurpak.” Said God, throwing his rucksack into the fire, where a lady-head rolled out of it.

13:48 Moses looked at God as if to say “Kill me”. God read it as “Do I have to?”

13:49 “Yes, chop chop!” said God, inadvertently making promises to Moses that he couldn’t keep.

13:50 Moses pointed out that they only had 4 slices of bread left. God declined all buttered bread in that case, as he had a simple formula for how he would and would not have it.

13:51 All buttered bread served to God must be in an odd number of slices and no less than 5. If this means taping bread together, it shall be done.

13:52 “I suppose you’re extremely satisfied with your day!” said Moses, wiping his hands on his apron.

13:53 “It’s not every day that you manage to feed the Israelites so many of their relatives without them knowing!”

13:54 “Nobody likes a leper” said God. A less obvious punch-line swung down from a giant crane which was parked next to the tabernacle.

13:55 “The Israelites certainly seemed t..” said Moses, just as he was cut short by the punch-line, smashing through the wall, taking him with it.

13:56 “Bollocks” thought Moses. He usually spotted obvious jokes and avoided them. But today had been one of those days.

13:57 As Moses wandered back to the tabernacle, he noticed another crane arriving as the one which just ruined him drove off.

13:58 This one was bigger and carried a much heavier payload. Moses feared for his crotch.

13:59 For verily, this crane held THE NEXT CHAPTER!

14:1 God took Moses by the hand and led him away from the crowds.

14:2 Moses blushed and said, "Not here..." God told him to shut up.

14:3 God said, "Moses, it's time we sorted out a problem we've got." He looked down as Moses and said gravely, "Lepers."

14:4 "To cleanse a leper," God read from his book, Deities for Dummies, "a priest would need two birds."

14:5 A priest sidled up, with a beautiful woman on each arm. He beamed. God gave him a dirty look and read, "One of the birds must be killed in a pot over running water."

14:6 God coninuted, "And you need some wood and stuff, but most importantly, the bird dies." Cindy, as she was apparently called, was murdered by the priest.

14:7 God glared at Suzanne and spake, "The blood shall be sprinkled over the leper and... the second bird shall be let loose."

14:8 Suzanne ran off screaming, only to be caught in a convenient beartrap. God tittered, coughed and continued consulting Deities for Dummies.

14:9 God said, "The leper shall then wash all his clothes in, well, another dimension, because they're disgusting. Just not Juiblex's swamp plane."

14:10 God adjusted his penis furtively and continued, "The leper shall shave his head and his eyebrows and... such and thus the holiest of all traditions, wigmaking, may continue forever.

14:11 God then said, "The leper shall then be placed at the Tabernacle where he shall be judged!" God snapped his fingers and appeared in his Judging Robes.

14:12 Moses leaned closer to Aaron and whispered, "Is that a human bone?" Aaron sighed wistfully and said, "I thought it was a dildo." Moses leaned away.

14:13 God spoke, "I shall judge the leper and give him a ranking, from 9 being the worst to SS being the best. Those still leprou... leperou... still inflicted with leprosy shall be, erm..."

14:14 God turned the page. "Ah yes, burned! Wait, I'm onto the witch chapter. Hmm... lepers... lepers..." God flicked furiously through his book.

14:15 The priest idly swilled some Holy Petrol around in the Chalice of Cleansing. It has no relation to leper cleansing and was just a nice addition I thought you'd like to know about.

14:16 Moses tried to phone his mother, but couldn't get a signal. "Fucking desert, this wouldn't happen in Jerusalem," he said bitterly.

14:17 God said uncertainly, "Okay, I think... an uncleansed leper must have his... head stood on by a priest and... or is that the leper must stand on his own head, hold on..."

14:18 God continued flicking through the pages. Aaron said to Moses, "He must be pretty flexible to stand on his own head!" Moses gave Aaron a dirty look.

14:19 God mentioned something about lepers failing fortitude checks, at which point Moses shouted, "You're reading the D&D Core Rulebook!" God laughed and threw the book away, smiling and embarrassed at his mistake.

14:20 Moses thought God's reaction slightly odd and he told Aaron so.

14:21 God leapt over the bench at lightning speed and stuck his fingers up Moses' nose. Then he pulled back, dislocating Moses' nose and tearing the thick flesh.

14:22 Moses stared in abject horror at his shredded nose, fell backwards off his chair and began screaming. The pain was somewhat more painful than trapping ones penis in a fridge door.

14:23 That was an analogy for all the naturists out there. I know you love the bible, with characters like Abraham in it. He was a nudist, you know.

14:24 God spake, "My children, always save your work. Always." The author tried to pull one of his eyes out in anguish.

14:25 Aaron looked at Moses bleeding on the floor. He reached down and gently brushed his face, before holding his hand. Moses felt a small bottle and peered at it curiously.

14:26 It had a skull and crossbones on. Moses whispered, "Thank you" and Aaron withdrew his hand. He said, "I don't want you to go but... it's for the best. I'll see you in heaven."

14:27 God spake, "You fucking will not." Aaron gasped. Moses clutched the bottle of poison tightly.

14:28 God reached down and closed his sausage fingers around Moses hand. "Give me the bottle, Moses," he cooed, before simply ripping off his entire hand and pulling the bottle out of his slack fingers.

14:29 God took the bottle and walked away a few steps. He sniffed and said, "You boys... I try to do something nice for you, teach you some morality and things about lepers and... and this is how you repay me. I'm not angry. Just... disappointed."

14:30 God wiped his eyes with Moses severed hand. He turned and said, "YOU FUCKING CUNTS. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU?! AFTER ALL I'VE FUCKING DONE FOR YOU, YOU TURN TO SUICIDE. YOU UTTER SHITS!"

14:31 God gave a short sob and said, "Why, Mankind? Why do this to me? I give you life and free will and this is how you repay me? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, MANKIND."

14:32 Moses passed out, so Aaron had a quick grope. He stopped. Moses was... cold.

14:33 God restarted Moses' heart and stopped most of the major bleeding. Most.

14:34 Moses, who was now very much alive, began crying. He wept, "Can't I just dieee? Pleeease?"

14:35 God stuffed Moses' severed hand into his mouth and sayeth, "No."

14:36 God sent Aaron away to cleanse a house of lepers and leopards. It was a dangerous job, so God made him do it.

14:37 God said unto Aaron, "If thou had listened to my words, thou would know what to do. Except you won't know what to do with leopards." God tossed Aaron a copy of Leopard Murder For Dummies.

14:38 Moses died, so God took his hand out of his mouth and bought Moses back to life. Moses died again.

14:39 God said angrily, "For fucks SAKE! Can't you just stay alive?!" God sealed Moses' wounds and raised him again. Moses groaned.

14:40 Moses couldn't even cry, that's how much pain he was in. He rasped, "I have seen Hell. It was... dark."

14:41 And God said unto Moses, "Actually, that was heaven, although they're pretty similar. Better tea making facilities in Hell."

14:42 God stroked his chin thoughtfully and pondered, "Should I outlaw tea... or Moses...?"

14:43 Moses, coughing up blood, began expounding the many benefits of tea in a messy attempt to get himself killed. God outlawed neither, in the end, instead condemning criminals.

14:44 And Moses did say, "How can you condemn criminals? They're already condemned!"

14:45 God tutted jovially and shoved his foot into Moses' mouth. "Now listen. Criminals are condemned to jail, then condemned by me. Do you know what that means, Moses?"

14:46 Moses died quietly in reply.

14:47 God bought him back to life and said, "Upon the second condemnation, criminals are condemned to Hell^2, which is twice as ghastly and contains no real hardwood flooring.

14:48 God, who was clearly making Hell^2 up as he went along said, "And there shall be... snakes. And wasps."

14:49 God then shouted, "But not just any snakes and wasps, like previously mentioned in the bible. They shall be Hypersnakes and Dreadwasps, forged in the womb of Mrs Doom."

14:50 God cackled and Moses died in despair.

14:51 God spake unto Moses, "Moses, please cease dying, I'm getting awfully tired of raising your mutated and bloodless corpse."

14:52 Moses saw a light, but it turned out to the bathroom light as Moses was flushed down the Toilet To Earth. Moses returned to the land of the living, smelling of bleach.

14:53 Meanwhence, a few cubits away, Aaron was curing lepers.

14:54 He had furtively obtained a copy of Deities for Dummies and was easily curing all the lepers. Aaron was considering becoming a deity himself. He had a wide variety of teatowels.

14:55 A leopard suddenly leaped from behind a corpse and ripped Aaron's head off. The leopard, surprised at how easy it was, wandered away, bored.

14:56 God turned up, dragging Moses in a little cart just look in Snoopy. Moses was smelling fifty flushes fresh now, and was being tailed by a Dreadwasp.

14:57 God spake, "I think you've learned your lesson," then he gave Aaron a new head which was slightly larger than the last.

15:1 God told Aaron to inform the Israelites of something called “issue”, which was apparently biblical for “pussy stuff which seeps from manky skin”.

15:2 Lepers had lots of issue issues, they read all about it in the latest issue of “The Issues of Issue”.

15:3 A magazine by lepers, for lepers. Typed and published by people with more motor function in their arms.

15:4 In light of the issue problem, industry flourished. Companies like “Issue Tissues” sprang up, catering for all the wiping needs of lepers.

15:5 The lepers rejoiced. But shortly went bankrupt due to the inflated price of tissues.

15:6 Many tried to despair, but sitting with their head in their hands turned out to be more literal than they’d imagined. They were lepers, you know.

15:7 People of specific ethnic origins were thrown onto the fire and God placed the kettle over it. God loved black coffee.

15:8 This verse has been omitted so that the reader may bask in the warming rays of the author’s brilliance after reading the previous verse.

15:9 BASK! DAMN YOU!

15:10 The leprosy problem was becoming rather bad. God sipped his black coffee. The coffee spake, “God DAMN brutha! That be a big ass sip!”

15:11 BASK!

15:12 Moses walked into the tabernacle, stood on his chair and booted the coffee pot out of the window before calmly sitting down.

15:13 “FNAAAAAAARGRGRHHHHHHH!!” said God, suddenly developing the face of Jack Nicholson receiving chemotherapy and lunging toward Moses.

15:14 Moses’ super-cool façade was over, he fell into the fire.

15:15 While Moses flailed and screamed, God kicked back with a marker pen. He was smoking it, of course.

15:16 “Ahhh, Xylene!” said God. He extinguished Moses by beating him vigorously with a stick.

15:17 “Thankyou kindly” said Moses politely, adjusting his tie and sitting down. “So, where were wAARARARGGHHH YOU FUCKING COCK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

15:18 God smirked and continued anyway, “We have a leper problem. A leproblem if you will.” Moses nodded, he was still a little bit on fire.

15:19 “My proposed plan is to seal off the tabernacle and let the Israelites get on with it.” Moses nodded, he was still a little bit on fire.

15:20 “And then we return, like Japs from the jungle, when the threat is cleared.” Moses nodded, he was still a little bit on fire.

15:21 “I see. I find your plans pleasing to the palate.” said Moses, spitting everywhere. He was now very much on fire.

15:22 While Moses did laps around the room, God puffed his marker thoughtfully. “Riddles in the daaaark,” he muttered under his breath.

15:23 “Right” panted Moses, smoking heavily. “Where do we start?”

15:24 “I have begun work on a protective atmosphere for the tabernacle” said God, pointing to a pile of tarpaulin and sticky tape in the corner.

15:25 “Sort it out Moses, will you” commandeth God. “Fine, but I’m getting Aaron to help!” said Moses. God made the shape of an L on his forehead.

15:26 “Actually…” said God, as a pile of Deity Weekly fell off his lap to reveal the Guardian, “Don’t let Aaron do it. I don’t trust him to build devices which keep out lepers”

15:27 Moses queried God. God replied “Because I imagine him to be about as good at sticking tarpaulin to the walls as Stephen Hawking is at buttering his own bread.”

15:28 “If you’ve ever tried to imagine that, you’ll know what I mean” God said as a Richard the third style aside to the audience, waggling his eyebrows.

15:29 By the time God had regained consciousness, Aaron had finished the tabernacle. God pushed the mound of fruit off his chest and stood up.

15:30 “Hmm…” he hmmed, eyeing up the work. “I do believe I may have had you wrong all along boy.”

15:31 This was bad timing, as a cow poked its head through a gaping flap near the window.

15:32 Aaron was used to stitch the gap shut, having previously been drawn into a wire by the almighty.

15:33 God went back to heaven to find that his dog had ravaged the place. Worms. Everywhere.

16:1 At Aaron's sons funeral, God had a word in Moses' ear.

16:2 And lo God did say, "When's the finger buffet? I'm fucking starving."

16:3 Moses informed the Lord Almighty that the buffet would commence at 4pm. God said, "Excellent, I shall see Aaron there. I have wisdom for him." God disappeared up the skirt of a mourner and Moses contemplated Aaron's fate.

16:4 And lo, God did intercept Aaron at the pineapple and cheese. God did say, "Aaron, I have news. Come meet me on a mountain. I mean meet me at the champagne fountain." God staggered off.

16:5 At the chamapagne fountain, God informed Aaron that he would not die, but would enjoy everlasting life by God's side. Aaron was, understandably, less than thrilled. He had some champagne.

16:6 God then ordered Aaron to sacrifice many, many animals. Aaron wondered why he should put himself out to stay alive, when all he wanted was to die.

16:7 God spake, "Eternal life with me isn't so bad!" Aaron looked over at Moses, who was trying to create a spear, presumably on which he would impale himself, out of cocktail sticks.

16:8 Aaron watched Moses try to stab himself. The cocktail sticks fell apart and Moses looked infinitely sadder than Aaron had ever seen. God patted Aaron on the shoulder.

16:9 God did say, "Moses was a failure. I have high hopes for you." And Aaron was not comforted, so he had more champagne.

16:10 Aaron spied a goat tethered to a pole outside. He considered it a worthy sacrifice, so he went to get it.

16:11 It began raining. Aaron passed two broken down cars and clambered through the high electric fencing. The goat bleeted. Aaron pulled out his knife.

16:12 Suddenly, a Tyrannosaurus Rex stormed through the trees and ate the goat.

16:13 Aaron considered this a worthy sacrifice, so he pulled out a bigger knife.

16:14 Almost one storey high, Aaron staggered under the weight of the Multislayer, which was forged from the tooth of an Omnisnake in the crack of Mrs Doom.

16:15 And lo, Aaron did slay the Tyrannosaurus Rex and he did sacrifice it with some sage and parsley and made a nice gravy from one of OXO's prehistoric flavour ranges.

16:16 God was not impressed. He wanted the Multislayer back.

16:17 And so it came to pass, God rejected Aaron's sacrifice, but gave no reason, instead blowing a celestial fart in Aaron's direction.

16:18 And Aaron smelled the fart, and it was good.

16:19 But that was actually a beautiful rose bush, which withered and died as God's celestial fart blew over it. And lo, Aaron wept.

16:20 Before things got too gay for Aaron, he decided to offer God another sacrifice. He cut open the dinosaur with the Multislayer and extracted the goat. He offered it to God.

16:21 But lo, God was not happy, for he had just suffered a halted erection when he tried to have sex with Shiva.

16:22 So Aaron's sacrifice was rejected. He retired to the Tabernacle for a stiff one. And a drink.

16:23 And Aaron did say, "Not tonight, Pedro," pushing away the curiously South American But Of No Specific Origin man. He pondered ponderously how to please God. With a sacrifice.

16:24 God, who was listening in, as usual, said unto Aaron, "Dress up for me."

16:25 Aaron did reply, "Dost thou mean, shall I wash in the holy water and don the holy robes for a ritual service, oh Lord?"

16:26 God scratched his cheek and said, "Yeah, whatever, hurry up."

16:27 And so Aaron did don the holy robes, having washed in the holy water and sprayed the holy deoderant. He shuffled in to the sacrifice chamber. God had lit candles.

16:28 Aaron spake, "Ah, my Lord, the sacrifical candles, I should have known."

16:29 And God did reply, "I shall sacrifice your virginity, Aaron. Just like I did with Moses."

16:30 Aaron, who was quickly realising the seriousness of the situation made yet another blunder. He said, "But I'm not a virgin..."

16:31 God's eyes sparkled. He'd left his torch inside his mighty skull. Again. He said unto Aaron, "I meant your anal virginity."

16:32 And Aaron did reply, "Oh. Shit." God winked, because it was an amusing pun which probably wouldn't get noticed unless someone mentioned that a pun had been made.

16:33 He spake, "We all have to make sacrifices, Aaron. And I shall sacrifice your bowels. To myself. Take off the sacrifical robe and grasp this sacrifical water based lubricant."

16:34 And lo, a moral was told: If you are a Christian, prepare to get fucked in the bum.cle. God pushed the mound of fruit off his chest and stood up.

17:1 “Night Fever!” yelled God, clearly on LSD. Moses went to the laundrette. God was a shit when he dropped acid.

17:2 As he left the tabernacle, he passed Aaron, who enquired as to where Moses was heading. Towards…? The structure of that sentence evaded me.

17:3 Once informed, Aaron quickly did an about-turn and walked with Moses. He walked inside Moses for a short while, but it was uncomfortable for all involved.

17:4 As they walked along in silence (For Aaron was not permitted to speak to Moses after the finger incident), Moses began to notice a hissing noise in the distance.

17:5 The hissing got slowly but gradually louder until Aaron, who was deaf in three ears and wearing a Deafy Hat, noticed it too.

17:6 “What the piss!?” muttered Moses, as the hissing encroached upon them, seemingly from underfoot.

17:7 The noise became unbearably loud, like grandma’s TV. Aaron passed out, his Deafy Hat fell off and absorbed a passing hedgehog.

17:8 The tumultuous hissy roar reached a crescendo and an eruption of sand about six cubits in front of Moses knocked him off his feet.

17:9 As the sand settled, the monolithic figure of Serpent Sid could be seen, grasping a pool cue in his slender tail.

17:10 At that moment, Aaron awoke. “Serpent S!” he cried, before Sid cut him down (in his prime) with a crushing blow from the soggy end of his cue.

17:11 “Evening Sid” said Moses nonchalantly. He didn’t know Serpent Sid per se, but he’d seen the graffiti at the bus stop.

17:12 “Think Fast” said Serpent Sid, before quizzically breaking his pool cue over Moses’ face.

17:13 As Moses bled, unconscious, he wondered if "quizzically" was the correct word to use in this situation.

17:14 As it turns out, it was. Serpent Sid was called into existence because of an anomaly in the rules of the universe.

17:15 The universe noticed the plot was advancing too quickly and had to do something to stop it. As it turns out, the universe was, on this occasion, wrong.

17:16 The exact opposite was happening. And the universe was bored. Also, Serpent Sid was cool and funny. Like The Fonz with epilepsy.

18:1 And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying, "Speak into the children of Israel and say unto them, I am the Lord, your God."

18:2 Moses queried God. "Speak INTO them?" God slapped Moses and said, "An amusing typing error." Moses wasn't too impressed that such a gag was opening Leviticus 18.

18:3 God ordered Moses to live in Canaan. Moses said, "I thought I was in Canaan." God grunted, "Ah, whatever" and spent the next fifteen hours lying down under the influence of ketamine.

18:4 God got up and, having been awake, just very, very still, fell asleep. Moses made a cup of wolfsbane. The moon was getting fat.

18:5 Aaron cracked open a Metz, which was disappointly void of almost any flavour. God awoke and suddenly launched into one his most epic speeches to date.

18:6 And lo, he did say, with booming thunder, "THOU... MUST... NOT... LOOK AT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS NAKED..."

18:7 Moses was absolutely staggered. "This is morality?" he rasped. Aaron had inhaled his Metz. God continued, "THOU MUST NOT UNCOVER YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER TO REVEAL NAKEDNESS! EVEN IF NOBODY IS LOOKING!"

18:8 "Also!" God boomed, "Thou must not look at your father's wife naked! That is for your father ALONE!" God wriggled his fingers, causing Moses to back away. Into a choking Aaron.

18:9 God spake, "Even if your sister is foreign, for example a freakish home-born baby, then you're still not allowed to look at her naked. Even if she is pretty hot. Still no." God waved a finger.

18:10 Worryingly, God said, "You're also not allowed to look at your son's daughter naked. That is also wrong, but why would you want to, when you have a hot sister? But that is forbidden. So don't."

18:11 Aaron keeled over and died. God looked at him and said, "He must have a hot sister." God bought him back to life and slayed his sister.

18:12 God mused, "I am such a nice God. I shall award myself a medal. The Deity Of The Day Medal." Moses said sullenly, "Congratulations, again."

18:13 God said, "Your mother's sister, I forget the correct term, she is also forbidden from being naked in your sight. But I mean, why would you want to? You have a hot sister!"

18:14 And lo, Aaron wept, for God had killed his sister and he deeply suspected he had also eaten his sister.

18:15 God burped. He did say, polishing his medal, "Aaron, you are a wicked man." And lo, Aaron did weep. Well, that's a lie. He was still weeping and had not previously stopped only to begin weeping again. His weepery is constant.

18:16 Other holders of weepery consistencies are people who write poetry and still listen to Blink 182.

18:17 God then proclaimed, "Thou shalt not, well, how can I put this, erm. Thou shalt not shag in the vicinity of a womans parents, for that is close kinsmanship and is wicked. And by wicked, I mean awesome. But it's a sin. An awesome sin."

18:18 Moses asked for this law to be extended unto people who, having all drunk rather a lot, should be forbidden from shagging in the same room as others. God overruled it and laughed.

18:19 God then said, "And no man is allowed to approach a woman and ask her to reveal nakedness."

18:20 As an aside, that is why all the prostitutes I seem to find always have a small band on their ankle. It's for religious reasons and not at all related to the fact I'm raping day release mental patients.

18:21 God, moving swiftly on, said, "Your neighbours wife is strictly out of bounds. His swimming pool isn't. Dive in."

18:22 God then said, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it isabomination. That means no faggots, okay? No queers, gays, no batty boys. It is forbidden."

18:23 Sex with animals was also forbidden. The gay and animal porn industry promptly flourished. God had a hand in the profits, so he did not penalise the gays or bears.

18:24 It made good business sense to God to now allow all homosexuality and beastiality, which he did. His stock price rose considerably.

18:25 And so it came to pass, that homosexuality and beastiality was not sinful but, it turned out, extremely profitable.

18:26 And the King Lord God, holder of Deity Of The Day, did declare that day a national holiday. Unfortunately for all involved, the nation was Atlantis. So it was a shit day. That's the joke.

18:27 Aaron stood up unsteadily, supporting himself with the coffin of his hot sister. Ex-hot sister. And lo, he wept, for verily he had stood on a scorpion.

18:28 Moses did say unto Aaron, "Did you ever go through her? She was mighty fine." And lo, Aaron wept, for he had not.

18:29 Moses said, "There were some big morals back there. That was a good speech." Aaron agreed that it was. Moses continued, "I liked the running gag about the bottle of Metz."

18:30 God thanked everyone for their time, hoped they would adhere to his law and told them all to get back in the kitchen, where they belonged.

19:1 The start of this chapter has been delayed, because there is a woman GRATING A SAUSAGE on TV.

19:2 Moses awoke the following morning to find he was in bed.

19:3 This wouldn’t have been construed as unusual by Moses, as he frequently awoke in bed.

19:4 However, 99% of the times he had awoken in this bed, he had not been laying next to a bear.

19:5 God was drawing in the drawing room, wearing his sitting hat. He was also listening to the screams from Moses’ bedroom.

19:6 God smirked as he finished his drawing. It was a leaflet. A leaflet entitled “Bears and beds – A deadly combination”.

19:7 In the same instant, the bear wandered out of Moses’ room. “Thanks, Wendy!” said God.

19:8 As it turns out, God had plenty of connections on the underground bear prostitution circuit.

19:9 As the afternoon wore on, Moses had still not awoken. This was because he was dead. BEAR-DEAD.

19:10 Nevertheless, he was revived and met with God and Aaron outside the tabernacle. God was holding a pitchfork.

19:11 “You will notice!” cried God, which was wholly over the top as he was only talking to two people.

19:12 “That there is a pile of dead lepers outside the tabernacle”

19:13 Moses and Aaron glanced to the left. “Fuck me. So there is.” droned Moses. It was difficult not to notice a pile of rotting people, even in autumn.

19:14 Ah, autumn, when the dead fall from the trees. Collecting in lovely brown piles beneath.

19:15 “Erm, yes, so anyway! Dig in!” said God, pitchforking bodies into a black bin bag.

19:16 Aaron raised a hand, so God sliced it off. Whilst Aaron bled, Moses asked the question “So… where are our pitchforks?”.

19:17 “You” said God, “Are a lover of chuff. And he” God nodded toward where Aaron was convulsing on the floor, “Is dying”.

19:18 “Therefore, you shall receive” God paused and looked at something shiny, “No pitchforks”.

19:19 Many leprosy filled hours later, the source of the leper pile (LePile) was found. It turns out that God had left the blue anti-leper light on.

19:20 He had then left the mating call of a leper running on a giant sound system, booming across the plains.

19:21 As a result, approximately 2,346 and a half lepers (he dragged himself along the ground) had been drawn to the tabernacle.

19:22 Enticed by the mystical blue lamp, they had run straight into it, only to find that it contained anti-leper electricity. And a not insignificant amount of death.

19:23 Do you have infestation problems? Perhaps some troublesome vermin? Or maybe even a wealthy relative? They’re a problem for some pesticides but not new DEATH!

19:24 Used neat, it can remove even the most stubborn annoyances. Just look how it gets this great aunt! Dead as fuck!

19:25 Alternatively, if there be some mass genociding to be done, simply pour two capfuls into a bucket of warm lard and apply with a mop.

19:26 Only £24.95! Don’t hesitate! Call today and receive this free “Shut the fuck up, or I’ll DEATH YOU!” T Shirt! As worn by GOD HIMSELF!

19:27 God took a step back from the LePile. “Fuck this” he said, tossing down his pitchfork and wiping his hands on his new shirt.

19:28 As God disappeared into the tabernacle, Moses despaired. He despaired like he had never despair… no wait, he’d been this despairing plenty of times before.

19:29 But he despaired none the less. They say you become like your father whether you like it or not. Moses began to suspect this was true as he poured petrol on the LePile.

19:30 Just then, God excelled himself. He blurted out something about a pile of lepers, interspersed with precious metals. Over a loudspeaker. Towards the Israelites.

19:31 Moses sat on Aaron, who was now very much cold, watching thousands of Israelites try to negotiate a pile of burning people.

19:32 It was then that something hit him. The realisation that he had perhaps become as crazy as God. Or that maybe sandals weren’t the best choice of footwear for bonfires.

19:33 Then again, it could have been the mindless boredom and tediousness (IT’S A WORD!) of this chapter, and most chapters of this book infact!

19:34 Moses began to ponder why he was lucidly aware that he was in a book and wasn’t actually a real person. (Oh yes, I fucking went there!)

19:35 In the end, he realised that none of these things had just come to him. He’d known them all along.

19:36 Infact, what had just hit him was a bear. A fucking big bear. With smudged mascara and red lipstick. Called Wendy.

19:37 And Moses quoth “Oh for f”. God meanwhile quoth laughter. A lot of it.

20:1 God stopped laughing and put on his serious face. It has a few more wrinkles and an inch more beard than his jovial face.

20:2 He produced a photo and spake, "You see this girl? Her name is Hermione. I don't want any of you to ever look at her."

20:3 And God proceeded to say, "And anyone who doth defy me shall see my killing face and be killed, but not with my face. They will be defiled, having defiled Hermione. They will have been profanarious until my holy name."

20:4 Moses said unto his Lord, "Lo, Lord." God replied, "Lo." Moses said, "No, not hello, just lo, I was being biblical. I was going to say something." God waved a hand airily. "Get on with it."

20:5 Moses asked why the viewing of Hermione was forbade by the Holiest of Holies, God's new title for himself. "Is it because you love her or hate her?"

20:6 God asked what the difference was. "With you," Moses said, "probably nothing." And he was right, in a wrong fashion.

20:7 And God did look down on his creation and the new anti-Hermione law that had been imposed. He sent them all an inspirational email.

20:8 And Moses did open his email and click the hyperlink within and lo, it was one of those fucking deceptive flash files where you concentrate really hard then a fucking demon leaps out screaming.

20:9 And Moses did curse God for linking him to such flash sites. God laughed and waited for Aaron to open his email. He was on dialup.

20:10 And lo, Aaron, who had once spotted Hermione in a fitness video background, would recieve a mighty punishment from the lord. He clicked the link in his email. Thunder rumbled, ominously.

20:11 And thus, the Flash file loaded and just as Aaron was staring hardest, a demon emerged, leapt through the monitor, pulled out Aaron's eyes and began screaming into the bloody sockets.

20:12 And the Israelites, who were having a bit of a meeting, did witness this event and were warned: do not look at Hermione.

20:13 "Anyway..." said an Israelite at the meeting, "Shouldn't we be in the land of milk and honey now? It's been fucking ages since we had that Exodus."

20:14 "Almost an entire book of The Bible ago!" interrupted Moses unhelpfully. The Israelites ignored him and called him 'God's Bitch'.

20:15 Someone at the meeting stood up and said, "Yeah! And what's the deal with animal sex!" Everybody turned and stared. The man sat down, awkwardly.

20:16 He winced when his bum hit the seat. I don't think I need to say any more.

20:17 Aaron died. He had lasted a surprisingly long time to say a demon had ripped out his eyes and generally shredded him. God dismissed the demon, slapping a fiver into Satan's hand.

20:18 The Devil held the money up to the sun, to check the watermark. It showed God's hand flipping the bird. "It's authentic," the Devil muttered.

20:19 Aaron, who had surgery from an underground doctor on the run for a crime he didn't commit, emailed God back.

20:20 God was out drinking with Moses, however, so the email he did not recieve. Moses cried into his drink. "Why? WHY? WHY?" he cried. Into his drink.

20:21 "Why WHAT?" God said, swaying on a barstool fashioned from bones. There were in Satan's bar.

20:22 "Why won't you let me die?" Moses wept. "And where the fuck is this land of milk and honey? I don't even like milk! Or honey! I'm allergic, even!"

20:23 God laughed and slapped Moses on the back. Of his head. "Shurrup Moses you... miserable.. faggot... urgh. I need another drink." Satan mixed up a danger daiquiri.

20:24 Suddenly, Satan exclaimed, "Bloody 'ell! It's Hermione!" Moses, in surprise, turned to look. A roll of thunder was heard, which was actually someone moving the pool table in the other room.

20:25 God sobered instantly. "Moses," he spake, his voice and his sword dripping acid, "What did I tell you?" Moses gulped. The acid was smelly.

20:26 Even Satan winced as the pain flowed forth, all over the floor. "We're gonna need a bigger mop," he told his impslave.

20:27 Aaron pondered the moral of the story, which was not to look at God's woman. The Israelites wondered when the fuck they were going to get to the land of milk and honey.

Next page: Leviticus 21 - 27
The Book Of Leviticus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 27
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2308