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The Book Of Leviticus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 27 

The Book of Leviticus (v. 21 - 27)

21:1 And God spake unto Moses, saying “Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron!”, to which Moses replied “Aaron is FERTILE!?”

21:2 God continued “And tell them that they should not shave off their beards. Ever. Also, bring me some peanut butter.”

21:3 Moses instructed his ladyfriend Veronica to speak to the sons of Aaron, because they were mainly alkaline and did irritate Moses so.

21:4 However, as Veronica spoke unto Jeffrey, eldest of the sons of Aaron, a great baldness was upon her. Jeffrey just stood and stared.

21:5 She ran back to Moses, who did speak “Oh my God!”. At which point God appeared and spoke “Ye.. AAARGGH!”.

21:6 There is something intensely disturbing about a bald lady. Take notes, Kylie.

21:7 And so, Moses cast out Veronica into the desert, where she roamed like a nudist until eventually she was set upon by a tree and bled out.

21:8 Moses went to speak to Jeffrey, who was still aghast. “Morning Jeff!” he said. Jeff grunted, then lost his balance and fell over.

21:9 “Yeah… Instructions from God, mate.” Said Moses, talking down to him.

21:10 “Can you lot sort of, not shave. Ever again?”. Jeff nodded, still staring straight ahead.

21:11 “Right, cheers buddy.” Said Moses, “But now I’ve got to go, cos the bleachy fumes are killing my eyes!”

21:12 “Bye Moses Iscariot” said Jeff, monotonously. “Sorrywhat?” said Moses. Jeff just stared.

21:13 Moses wandered back to God, who was eating a plate.

21:14 “Why did Jeff just call me Moses Iscariot!?” cried Moses. God shrugged. A shard of crockery was hanging loosely from his lips.

21:15 “You’ve… got a…” said Moses, gesturing on his face. God just looked at him. “Never mind” he continued.

21:16 “I don’t know about all this Iscariot business” said God, kissing Moses on the cheek. A bag of silver could be heard jingling in God’s pocket.

21:17 God shuffled away. Moses was dragged away by Roma… No wait, this is too obvious.

21:18 The last few verses have been stricken from the record.

21:19 Aaron arrived, he was brokenfooted. And brokenhanded. He’d been playing with the lathe again.

21:20 “I see my sons have grown beards” he said. God suspected suspiciously. As one would suspect a raven who, having flown into your special sitting room, offered you a crumpet.

21:21 God’s face contorted. “Fkn Raven” he did say, wiping crumbs of poisoncrumpet from his lips.

21:22 “God?” queried Aaron. God snapped out of it, before snapping Aaron. He had no time for the broken of hand. Less so for the broken of foot.

21:23 As it turns out, Aaron’s sons had to shave every 3 minutes for their facial hair grew faster than a leopard. And they grow fucking fast!

21:24 “Another chapter, expertly avoided” said Moses, clinking glasses with God. Moses was acutely unaware that his glass contained Death.

22:1 And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying "A-" and Moses spake unto the Lord saying, "WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE SAME? WHY?"

22:2 And the Lord did look offended, and offered his offended face unto Moses, who was regretful, for his offended face contained wroth.

22:3 Wroth, of course, being worm broth or soup. Not very nice. Also not very expensive.

22:4 God told Moses to go and tell Aaron that he was going to live in isolation for a while. Moses told God to do it himself. God told Moses if he didn't tell Aaron, he'd be isolated from the atomsphere.

22:5 And then, Moses says "I don't fucking care" and God is all like "Oh you will fucking care" and Moses is all like "Oh yeah" and then God fucking like stepped on him or some shit.

22:6 And lo, Moses was beaten and had to tell Aaron, who was delighted. He packed all his belongings, including his wife, into a bag.

22:7 That joke has been made twice, but it's so good I felt I should make it again.

22:8 God laid down a series of laws for Aaron to obey, which boiled down to, "Don't do anything naaaasty, Aaron, or I kick yo ass."

22:9 And God said, "And so, I am the Lord and these laws must be obeyed." God put on some googly eyes and swung a stopwatch around. "He's trying," noted Moses.

22:10 And so it came to pass, Aaron liveth in isolation from the sins of the world and also the News Of The World, which was a shite newspaper anyway.

22:11 And Aaron, O, he did live well in the eyes of the Lord. He killed no beast nor did he kill Beast, much to Beauty's relief.

22:12 A priest's daughter turned up, scantily clad. Aaron knew he was being judged, because let's face it, wherever there's a hot chick, God is watching.

22:13 Aaron asked of her a cubit of questions. She answered with truth and Aaron ascertained she was ripe for a fucking.

22:14 And so it came to pass that Aaron, having left his wife in the bag, stuffed this Catholic bitch full of cock. And God saw and was pleased.

22:15 This, however, is not a good thing. He was pleased Aaron had sinned. God proceedeth to his rack of weapons, which was conveniently located next to his rack of ammunition.

22:16 And God did select the finest spear from his rack, and he loadeth it with bullets. Meanwhile, Aaron was having another go.

22:17 And the Lord throweth a spear through Aaron's cock.

22:18 "And whoa, ye, upon ye, O," exclaimed Aaron, talking in tongues. Then he started talking into a vat of acid, God's doing once more.

22:19 God then summoned a court of judgement to decide the fate of Aaron. The jury was composed entirely of animals. God rubbed his hands with glee.

22:20 "Mr Beaver," God said, giggling, "the charges please."

22:21 The beaver glared longingly at another beaver. God wringed his fingers. "Ahem," said the beaver, "Aaron is charged with shagging a woman who is not his wife."

22:22 God grinned maniacally. A zebra said, "All rise," because he'd once seen that happen on a television court drama. Everyone rose. Aaron was already standing, if you know what I mean.

22:23 A cow speaketh, "Summon the defendant." God rose, beaming desperately, and drew a circle on the floor. He performed a mystic rite and Aaron was summoned to the courtroom.

22:24 Let us, if you will, step back for a moment to truly comprehend what is happening to Aaron. Imagine this verse was read in the narrator's voice from The Twilight Zone.

22:25 Aaron, who had just been tapping some sweet ass, has suddenly appeared in a room full of animals and God, who is rubbing his hands, sweating and smiling an awful lot. Emphasis on the awful.

22:26 Aaron kept his hands out in front of him and he continued thrusting desperately, hoping to make it all go away. It did not. God's smile grew.

22:27 "How do you plead?" asked a chicken. God snorted through his nose.

22:28 And Aaron did slow down the air thrust, but lo he did not stop and he pleaded, "What?"

22:29 The badger shouted, "Agreed!" and the chicken shouted, "Aye!" and the jury, which was mating in a massive circle, just sort of nodded. Aaron was guilty.

22:30 God vomited laughing, fell out of the courtroom and gently down to earth. He floated on down next to Moses, who was covered in vomit.

22:31 "I should have known," said Moses, wiping God's sick from his eyes and soup. He took another spoonful of soup, now more carroty than ever. "To what do I owe this great honour?"

22:32 And God did say, "I sentenced Aaron to death in a courtroom full of animals while he fucked the air." God spluttered trying to stifle a laugh.

22:33 Moses nodded grimly. He had absolutely no idea what had just been said and suspected the entire chapter was in a similar state of disarray. He drank some soup, now also more biley than ever.

23:1 God cracked open a beer, followed by a few skulls. Then he cracked one off.

23:2 “I’m having a cracking day!” shouted God, cracking his knuckles. Aaron was having a similar day with cheese…

23:3 “Morning” said Moses, as he strode out of the tabernacle. God held lit firecrackers up to Moses’ face until he went blind and deaf.

23:4 “Tankyu” said Moses, now speaking like a deaf person. He was a deaf person, you know.

23:5 God’s cracking phase passed and he entered Moses’ mind, dressed as a child with no head.

23:6 Seriously, you could get those suits from the fancy dress shop nowadays.

23:7 “It’s almost time for a new book” said God. “Leviticus is dragging on and on with all these laws being made. I fancy more DEATH.”

23:8 “I suspect some may be on the way” thought Moses. “You’re right” said God.

23:9 Just then, God burst out of Moses’ skull like the proverbial stripper from the birthday cake.

23:10 “BAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!” he cried, like some kind of mentally unstable werewolf.

23:11 And Lo, the Israelites were afraid. Well, when I say afraid, they were more sort of… mobile. Very quickly.

23:12 Run the Israelites did, yelling such things as “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?” and “Hang on, where have my eyes gone?”

23:13 When they returned, God was cooking. He had some kind of barbecue going and the Israelites, they were informed, were all invited.

23:14 The Israelites were understandably less than thrilled. Bearing in mind that they’d just seen the chef burst out of another man’s head.

23:15 God wore a small circular fragment of Moses’ skull on the top of his head.

23:16 The Israelites took heed and made their own skull caps. Another aspect of Judaism was tactfully and horribly born.

23:17 God’s barbecue took the form of a typical cafeteria queue. God had split himself up into several dinnerladies.

23:18 Moses talked to God as he shuffled along with his tray. “What’s the point of all this?” he queried.

23:19 “What’s the point of any of this?” said God, “Burger?”.

23:20 Responding in the negative, Moses continued his distressed conversation with God, all the while acutely aware that the guy behind him was becoming impatient.

23:21 “So you’re admitting that this whole thing is pointless?” continued Moses. “Keep moving, dickhead” muttered the guy behind him.

23:22 “Honestly, you complain when I kill people, you complain when I feed the Israelites! Sausage?” said God, tossing his tongs from hand to hand.

23:23 “You’re not going to make me go away with a sausage, God, you bastard.” said Moses, although he did want one.

23:24 “You forget that I will be the one to kill you” said God. “And it will now involve sausages. Probably.”

23:25 Moses’ little tantrum had held up the line again. “For fucks sake, come on!” said the guy behind Moses.

23:26 Moses’ brain tried to engage his confrontational gear, but instead managed to put it into Stupid, producing a horrible grinding sound.

23:27 “WILL YOU FUCK THE FUCK OFF, YOU MARDY, SHIT-EATING ASS WEASE…” Moses stopped short.

23:28 For Moses had made the fatal error of shouting before he had looked.

23:29 Also dangerous if you’re crossing the road. A road littered with sound-sensitive mines.

23:30 As he turned, Moses regarded the form of the man who stood before him. Verily, he did say “fwww…”

23:31 It was the Great Pea. I shit you not.

23:32 When Moses’ tongue had retracted from behind his eyeballs, he said “Errruughh… Mr Pea! Wonderful to see you! Heh!”

23:33 “SILENCE!” bellowed the Great Pea. He produced a custard pie from inside his rubbery pea skin.

23:34 “This custard pie to the face will be your punishment! No hard feelings eh?” said the Great Pea. Moses smiled like Christopher Reeve.

23:35 Moses really had dodged the goat, as the Great Pea was legendary for being cruel and ruthless across the land of Buttertoss.

23:36 Moses smiled for the kids as he prepared to take his custard pie to the face. The Great Pea winked at God. God smirked.

23:37 As he gently pushed the pie onto Moses’ face, a beartrap went off, severing the front hemisphere of Moses’ head. God almost died laughing.

23:38 Moses wandered about for a bit, saying in a strange retard-esque tone “Aaaargh! Where’s me face!? I’ve not got a face!”

23:39 Soon enough, he bled out and quietened down. The Great Pea sat down with his steak and kidney pie. Not before punching God for asking if he wanted peas with it.

23:40 God brought Moses back to life and they sat on some lovely recliners with the Great Pea.

23:41 “May I offer you some advice, young man?” the Great Pea asked of Moses. “Of course” said Moses, fidgeting uncomfortably.

23:42 The Great Pea leaned closer. Moses leaned closer. The Great Pea head-butted Moses square in the (newly acquired) face. Moses fell. Hard.

23:43 The Great Pea stood up, nodded to God, stepped on Moses’ (newly acquired) face and went back up the mountain.

23:44 “I do enjoy the Great Pea!” said God, trundling inside the tabernacle.

24:1 And verily and merrily, God, who was having a blast did speak unto Moses, saying:

24:2 "Command ye the children of Israel and bring me... some... olive oil?" God trailed off uncertainly.

24:3 And so it came to pass that Moses confided in Aaron, "O, hear ye, verily trumpet and crumb, I think that God is a bit of a basket case."

24:4 God, as if he had been hearing and not shooting rocks at the moon then said, "I demand a continuous chain gang walking around, each of them carrying a... lamp..."

24:5 And God did scatter the land with some sassafras roots. Then he demanded some cakes. Aaron began to agree with Moses, but asked Moses why he was speaking so strangely.

24:6 "Great pike and lemon," Moses said, "What are you, an American idiot?" Aaron sighed and replied, "I think you just gave away that this chapter is about Green Day."

24:7 God, growing increasingly incoherent and irrelevant to the human race said, "Give me Novocaine! I just want to sleep! I've not slept in five billion yeaaaars."

24:8 Moses said, "Well that explains everything, including why he's so cranky." God, who had yet to take his anaesthetic, turned Moses' brain into a stew then crushed him utterly.

24:9 Moses died, much to his intense relief. He drifted up into the clouds, walking alone, surrounded by an intense feeling of bliss. It was like no other feeling in the world. He came a little.

24:10 Suddenly he was in heaven. "Welcome to Paradise," said God. Moses' balls shrunk back a little. "You fucking prick," God added thoughtfully.

24:11 Moses had a little walk around. He said, "Who's that drinking Diet Coke and popping Ritalin?" God replied, "Oh, that's Jesus of Suburbia," mentioning the trendy recent songs to draw in the kids.

24:12 God suddenly leaned close to Moses, who closed his eyes tightly and whispered, "Get it over with." God said, "No, twat, I have... a question..."

24:13 Moses relaxed slightly, only to see God's hand down his see-through trousers. Moses looked up at God's face in horror. God quickly said, "Have you ever slept with a child?"

24:14 Moses almost swallowed his own skull, but recovered well and simply said, "What?"

24:15 In reality, Moses could see exactly 'what', judging by the reaction in God's trousers.

24:16 Moses whimpered, "This is too much. You can't do that. Stop it." God murmured, "Timmy... Timmy... don't run, Timmy, or I'll kill your other parent..."

24:17 Moses thought of something. He said, "Isn't this supposed to be about Green Day?" God panted, "Just... do something about it yourself... then... can't you see I'm busy?"

24:18 And so it came to pass, Moses took a 2000% overdose of sleeping pills and said, "Wake me up. You know, when September ends." Moses collapsed. "Very good," said God.

24:19 When Moses awoke, he was back on Earth. Aaron stood sheepishly next to a sheep next to Moses, who was far from sheeplike in his current state.

24:20 "We have a new holy law," Aaron announced, looking embarrassed. He opened a piece of paper, read it again and closed it, thrusting it back up his... cavity.

24:21 Moses shook his head. "What is it? Another crap Green Day joke?" Aaron coughed and looked away. Someone was hitchin' a ride nearby.

24:22 Aaron said, "I'm sorry Moses, but... but the new holy law is..." Moses egged Aaron on. "Yeah?"

24:23 "The law is we all have to..." "Yes?" "... we all have to go to church on Sunday." Moses groaned.

25:1 “I’m the generatorrr, firing whenever you quit!” sang Aaron.

25:2 God crushed him beneath a mighty sponge saying “Stop it. Stop it now. No more chapters filled with tenuous gags about music!”

25:3 “You can only pull it off for a few songs anyway, before it gets silly. And nobody likes silly.”

25:4 Silly walked away, dejected.

25:5 “No! Not you.. Aww come back!” God called after him.

25:6 “Bah, never mind him, he was a eunuch anyway!” he continued. “What’s for tea, Moses?”

25:7 “I wasn’t aware I was making any” Moses replied, scratching his face.

25:8 A strange creaking sound occurred under Moses and a dog appeared, sat on his head. “I’ll put some beans on, shall I?” he said, placing the dog in a nearby dogbin.

25:9 The dogbinmen came, blocking most of the street with their excessively large truck, then refusing to take Moses’ dogbin because it had non-recyclable cats in there too.

25:10 Moses was angerlacious. He used his angerosity to make God’s tea. Furybeans on Rage-Toast.

25:11 As God dined, he complimented the chef, saying “My, you can really taste theARGH FUCK!” for his dinner had verily punched him in the face.

25:12 “Anger” spluttered God, removing his lower jaw and screwing several of his teeth back in.

25:13 “This chachter” said God, before realising he had put his jaw on upside down.

25:14 “This chapter is all about biblical farming methods” said God. Moses sensed that this was going to be one of the less interesting chapters of the bible.

25:15 God began to profess, so he put on his professor’s moustache. “Give an Israelite a loaf of bread and he will eat for a day!”

25:16 “Or he may come up with a new game, or source of global power, based on bread. But probably not. They are a rather stupid lot”

25:17 Moses nodded agreement, noticed the entire population of Israel glaring at him through the window, furrowed his brow and shook his head vigorously.

25:18 “But teach an Israelite to grow his own bread, as long as that may take, and he will eat for as long as bread is inanimate!”

25:19 “For verily, the day will come when the armies of bread rise from the kilns of our own making! United as one behind Hovis, leader of the armies of the breadworld!”

25:20 “And he will ride! RIDE! Across the plains, slaughtering the women and children, raping the men and generally being a NUISANCE!”

25:21 “And… a…” God noticed everyone was staring at him in a sort of wide-eyed way.

25:22 A bit like if a stranger came up to you and said “KISS MY FACE!”

25:23 That’s it! That’s the way!

25:24 “Fuck off! Get to class!” shouted God, acutely embarrassed of his outburst.

25:25 The Israelites looked bemused until God made a small outhouse with the word “Class” on it.

25:26 Moses watched as the Israelites entered, one after the other. He counted as they went. “42… 43… 44… What the fuck!? It’s only the size of a phonebox!”

25:27 Moses followed the last Israelite in, to find that God had made an inter-dimensional tear inside the cubicle and he was now stood next to Cthulhu.

25:28 God and Cthulhu shared a Princess Diana joke in Cthulhu’s native language. “Meesh morg nih narknorf!” he concluded.

25:29 Wiping away a tear, God replied “Haha, strippers, brilliant!”

25:30 “So anyway, you bastards!” called God, clutching his staff of farming. “This is how you do it!”

25:31 What ensued frightened the Israelites, because the physics and general typhoidy unpleasantness of Cthulhu’s world had an odd effect on everything.

25:32 “Except in your dimension, sentient wheat is not a problem!” concluded God.

25:33 “Until the bread revolution, sir?” called a young Israelite. “Very good, boy. You’ve been listening” said God, patting him on the head.

25:34 “But brown-nosing the hole of the holy will get you nowhere!” said God, pulling off the man’s head.

25:35 Cryptically, God announced “Don’t date fat people!” before ushering the crowds back into their own dimension.

25:36 God was the last through, he said goodbye to Cthulhu, who was going for a joyride on a horrorwhale.

25:37 Horrorwhales lived up to their name, being forged of whale and quite horrorful.

25:38 They emit a cry which is not dissimilar to a crying dog, only much more horrible. And constant.

25:39 They feed on your dreams, too.

25:40 I’m actually quite scared now. That’s quite enough on horrorwhales for now.

25:41 Back in the real world, God’s farming techniques made a lot more sense.

25:42 Hoeing in particular was much less fraught with danger, thanks to the absence of explosive worms.

25:43 “Goooood, Gooooood!” cried God, in an awfully.. not.. un… creepy… fashion.

25:44 It was creepy, ok?

25:45 “So, what’s the great evil scheme behind all this then?” enquired Moses. God was whipping Aaron.

25:46 “Hmm?” he said. God concentrated intensely on his whipping at the best of times.

25:47 “Why are you feeding the Israelites? It’s not… you. Really. Is it?” said Moses. Aaron spoke monosyllabically.

25:48 “I thought I’d already mentioned the whole bread thing?” said God, cleaning the shit and blood from his whip.

25:49 “Ah. Touche” said Aaron. Well, it was more like “AARFGGHOHMYGODKILLLLMMEEEEEEE!!” but I read between the lines.

25:50 I just took a moment there to revel in the fact that I just used two simultaneous exclamation marks. I was truly, truly, excited.

25:51 Rather than a raging climax to this chapter, it will be dull and uninteresting. Like the actual bible. Yeahhh.

25:52 God picked some flowers. “Hello, Moses!” he did say, presenting them to him.

25:53 “Oh, why thankyou, Lord!” said Moses graciously accepting God’s gift.

25:54 Aaron came to join them and they all had a jolly good time!

25:55 Except that Aaron picked the flowers so God killed him then Moses made a snide comment so God killed him too then he had to bring them both back to life to prolong their endless suffering for two more books. Sorry, I just couldn’t do it.

26:1 God, well into the swing of making laws, decided upon a new one. He decided that no graven images or idols were permitted.

26:2 Also, he declared that Sundays must always be free and you should stay out of God's garden. I'm talking to you, Two Eye Tom.

26:3 And verily it did seem, people in the future were fucked. But those Sunday shopping malls sure were convenient.

26:5 God seemed pretty lax in enforcing these laws, however. He would have cast down great fury on Pop Idol, but he saw how many people were upset on the show, so he left it on.

26:6 And God, in return for the obeyery of his laws, would rid the land of evil beasts.

26:7 In reality, God just pushed a few perilsnails over the border, where some poor sinner would step on them and be propelled into another dimension.

26:8 "Oh, gross, I stepped on something sticky... wait... where am I?" said a sinner. cthulhu sighed.

26:9 Moses politely addressed God. The address was, "God, The World, Universe." God turned and wearily said, "Very funny, Moses. What do you want?"

26:10 And O, ye unto God did Moses speak, "Can I make a suggestion?" and God unto Moses did utter thus, "No. Bugger off."

26:11 God made a gesture to indicate he was on the phone. This consisted of waving your free hand in some arcane gesture until the other person saw you were holding a telephone. The hand waving was something of a filler.

26:12 Moses nodded and turned to wander back into the wilderness of Sinai. God pushed a small box towards. It had 'SUGGESTIONS' written on the side.

26:13 So Moses went unto Aaron and asked to borrow his biro because Moses had chewed his to death and Aaron was not happy about lending Moses his biro because Moses had chewed his biro to death.

26:14 And Moses suggestion which was writ was, "Can we please leave Sinai, it's a shithole and we're bored. We've been here since before Leviticus! Where is the land of milk and honey? Also, is there any milk and honey? Just, you know, lying around..."

26:15 And so it came to be that Moses wrote notes in the exact same way he spoke and this was not a lack of foresight in the authors narrative at all. Besides, if it was, he could just have gone back and changed it.

26:16 Unless he was just lazy. Which he is. But that's not it.

26:17 And so it came to pass, God finished his phonecall. Which was a good job, because the rates were extortionate!

26:18 God spake, "Look, Cthulhu, just eat him, I don't want him back. What do you MEAN you've gone cold turkey? Go back to warm human! Fucksake." God slammed the reciever down.

26:19 With furious anger and angerous fury, God slammed the reciever down five hundred cubits into the earth. This was called the Slamming Of The Reciever, and the Israelites rejoiced.

26:20 God, rather curiously, did say, "Trees, they shall grow, oh yes, and nuts, nuts they will yield. They will yield nuts and cast them to the ground. Oh yes."

26:21 The Israelites suspected this was not a glorious nut festival from God but a reason to wear a rather sturdy hat.

26:22 God addressed the Israelites some more, "And if you disobeyeth me, oh, the things I shall do. I shall cast sevenfold the plagues of Egypt and beasts shall trample your genitals."

26:23 Moses tried to get a word in, "Er-" "AND I SHALL ROB THEE OF THY POSSESSIONS and crush your toes," cried God.

26:24 God was finally interrupted when a tiny human being appeared inexplicably from nowhere and sailed into God's face. He had the remains of a perilsnail on his sole.

26:25 God chewed him thoughtfully and peered into the SUGGESTIONS box. Moses beamed. God pulled out the single suggestion that had been to suggestively inserted.

26:26 God's face dropped. He turned to Moses. Moses face dropped, along with his bowels.

26:27 "What does this say, Moses?" asked God, pointing to the box. Stammering and urinating, Moses said, "Suggestions..."

26:28 God span the piece of paper from the suggestions box in his fingers. "And what is THIS, Moses?" Moses began to sweat piss.

26:29 "A... a... s-suggestion...?" Moses said. Most Israelites had donned their sturdy hats.

26:30 God nodded gravely, a very apt adjective. "Moses, I notice," at this point God grew several storeys higher, -THAT YOU ONLY PUT ONE SUGGESTION IN WHEN I CLEARLY DEFINED PLURAAAAAAL!"

26:31 Moses entire insides quickly became his outsides. God's eyes blazed infrared with fury. Then ultraviolet with fury. Then a sort of green, which was less furious but somewhat more Irish.

26:32 But there were no Ires in Sinai. Only desolate desert beings, crushed under the burden of poverty. God produced a plate of sausage rolls.

26:33 He scattered them over Moses' body and spake, "I am the Overfiend, the mightiest manbeast and here lies the Sausage King, fallen fighting the Roll of the Waste."

26:34 Everyone sat down, clapped their hands once and rose, ambling around Sinai as if nothing had happened.

26:35 Sauron was born to a female gorilla and a male poltergeist, which explained a lot really.

26:36 God turned to the Israelites and, to his surprise, an Irishman. Then he turned away and farted his message thus, "This is what happens to a sinner. Do not sin."

26:37 Moses was raised from the dead to be only just alive so that he had to force his organs back inside him. It wasn't, he reflected, his day.

26:38 God made allusions to sinners being eaten. Moses pushed his insides back in quicker.

26:39 God also made allusions to people dying in car crashes, but he decided not to go there.

26:40 God suddenly exclaimed, "Hark! The white whale!" Moses finished putting his liver back in and said, "What? This is getting weird."

26:41 God announced that Leviticus was finally coming to a close. The Israelites rejoiced. There was, however, nobody stealing Monty Python gags, for which everyone was grateful.

26:42 The Israelites asked King Lord God (he had put on two crowns) if they could finally leave Sinai, where they had been buggered around for ages.

26:43 And God put the minds of the Israelites at ease and spake, "Do you not remember my pact with Isaac? And my pact with Jacob?"

26:44 And the Israelites, with humility and pie did say, "Well, no, actually. That was fucking hundreds of years ago, you batshit motherfucker."

26:45 Moses entertained the notion that he was on a television show called, "I'm An Israelite, Get Me Out Of Here!"

26:46 This idea was soon dashed when God pulled a leg out of his teeth. You couldn't show that on TV.

27:1 “As a final rule for all humanity” said God, standing on his bellows, “You will now pay your taxes!”

27:2 “Charge the rich looking ones thrice as much!” he beamed to Moses, before walking inside.

27:3 God watched Moses work through his wishing window. Then he started to think about prostitutes.

27:4 And Lo! He had some! The wishing window was awesome. God wandered into a bathroom with his ladies.

27:5 Meanwhile, a rich man was hassling Moses “Why are my taxes 60 shekels!? When are we leaving!? What’s that on your FACE!?” he said, pointing.

27:6 Moses was wearing his Bertie Bassett cheekbrooch today. He took it off, as the Israelites were not wise in the ways of liquorice.

27:7 “The reason you are paying 60 shekels, sir” said Moses, “Is that you are rich and God is a shit. Seriously. Have you not been paying attention with the whole God thing?”

27:8 The man confessed that he had not. He had infact never heard of God or any kind of religious matter. He had been living in Mexico his entire life.

27:9 Moses simply stared at the man until he moved along. “Oh shit” thought Moses. The Great Pea was the next in line.

27:10 “I’ve come to pay my taxes!” bellowed the Great Pea. “I see… thankyou very much.” Said Moses, not a little shakily.

27:11 “FOOL!” responded the Great Pea, “HOW DARE YOU CHARGE ME, I AM NO ISRAELITE!”.

27:12 And with this, the Great Pea head-butted Moses in the face. Again. “Thankyou.. sir” spluttered Moses, lying on his back.

27:13 The Great Pea winked at God through the wishing window. God laughed and winked back. A pile of dead babies appeared.

27:14 The Great Pea took a few babies back to Buttertoss with him. They were considered a great delicacy among the pea population.

27:15 Moses awoke a few minutes later and carried on robbing the Israelites in the name of God. God smirked.

27:16 God was actually smirking because he was up to his nuts in prostitute. Read that out loud. So other people can hear.

27:17 Once God had finished, he spent the rest of the afternoon thinking up a title for the next book.

27:18 So far he had come up with “Leviticus 2” and “Kiss my Slit: Moses does Maob”.

27:19 God decided this was a work in progress and kicked back with a lunch cigar.

27:20 As he was savouring a particularly nice lump of cheddar, Moses wandered in and sat down. “Surprise me” said God.

27:21 “You’re a fuckwit” said Moses. “That was surprising!” said God. His tone darkened, “But now I will end you”.

27:22 Once God was done killing Moses, he shook him upside down until all the Israelites’ tax money fell out.

27:23 This actually surprised God, because Moses appeared to have been carrying several tons of silver around with him in 4 pockets.

27:24 “Good!” cried God. Moses picked himself up. “Is that it then?” he said, backwards.

27:25 “Is what it?” asked God, putting Moses’ jaw on straight. “This tax. Is this the last pile of shit we have to face here?”

27:26 “Oh! Oh.. yes. Yes, we’re done here. Quite done. The wilderness of Sinai bores me. It’s time for W… milk… and honey. Yes.” Stumbled God.

27:27 “You were going to say War then weren’t you?” said Moses, watching God perform the action of shooting a rifle.

27:28 “Not at all!” said God “There will be no wars breaking out on my shift!” He passed Moses a note, then sat down.

27:29 The note said “I’m lying. WAR WAR WAR! WOOOOO! Love God. PS, we need milk.”

27:30 Moses sat beside God and threw the scrunched up paper at his own face. “Cook dinner,” said God, hitting Moses in the face with a spoon.

27:31 Moses got to work on God’s dinner. He had demanded freshly killed horsewasps so Moses was sat out in the desert. On a swivelly office chair. With a shotgun. Smothered in jam.

27:32 As he took potshots at passing equine insects, Moses began to feel sleepy and suspected he may have been dateraped.

27:33 He spotted something move and fired wildly in it’s direction, suddenly wide awake. He had shot a hole in the ark of the covenant.

27:34 “Well, that just about sums this book up,” thought Moses, “I suppose I’d b..” but it was too late, Leviticus was over.

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The Book Of Leviticus: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 27
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Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2311