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The Book of Numbers: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30
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The Book of Numbers (v. 1 - 10)

1:1 “Morning!” cried God, hurling a large book onto the table with a thud. “Today is going to be the best day ever!” he continued, making a thumbs up with both his hands.

1:2 Moses discovered he had been asleep at the kitchen table again. He picked up the book that God had thrown onto his hand, which was now broken.

1:3 The title read “Book Four: Numbers” and continued at the bottom with “By God. Yeahhh.”

1:4 Moses flipped through the pages and discovered that they were all blank. But he noticed that words were appearing on the first few.

1:5 God took the book off him and put it in the attic next to a painting covered by a cloth. “Best not to think too much about that!” said God, smirking.

1:6 “So, this is the new book, eh?” said Moses, “Imaginative title.” He continued. “All will become clear in the next verse” said God.

1:7 “You and Aaron. You’re gonna go out and count all the Israelite men, aged 20 upwards” Moses blinked at God. “That’s the numbers bit” God elaborated. Moses sighed.

1:8 “Why?” querified Moses. “Because we’re going to war” said God, in a startling revelation of his agenda.

1:9 “Serious?” asked Moses. “Serious.” Confirmed God, chewing one of his WARCIGARS.

1:10 “The armies will be led by certain Generals. You and Aaron included”. “Hooray” said Moses, waving his arms in a fanfare.

1:11 God read from the back of a fag packet. “General of the armies of the North: Bollockface. Just don’t mention the scrotum hanging from his forehead”

1:12 “General of the armies of the South: Captain Curtains. Eccentric fellow, not actually a captain but has a startling moustache”

1:13 “General of the armies of the West: Furmanphlax.” Moses interrupted “Isn’t he a demon?”. “Yeah, so?” God replied.

1:14 “He can breathe acid. Who wouldn’t want him in their army!?” God continued. Moses saw God’s point. God sniggered.

1:15 “General of the armies of the East: The Great Pea.” Moses interrupted again “Oh WHY!? For Your sake! He’s a fucking madman!”

1:16 For once, the Great Pea wasn’t there to beat Moses up, so God did it for him and told Moses not to argue.

1:17 “The Great Pea happens to be a great tactician. And well… He’s killed 30 men with his bare pea hands.” Said God. “Riiight” nodded Moses.

1:18 “Then there’s all sorts of generals of the armies of the epileptics, the damned, the clinically insane, the blind etc. But don’t worry, I’ll deal with them.” concluded God. Moses gave him his suspicious look.

1:19 So Moses and Aaron organised the Israelites and counted them. Aaron particularly enjoyed it as he was a Maths geek.

1:20 Moses inspected the ranks of the family of Reuben. “Fuck me, He had a lot of kids!” he did quoth.

1:21 As it turns out, Reuben had 46,500 living male relatives aged 20 or over. Horny bastard.

1:22 From then on, this kind of figure appeared to be the norm. Moses was convinced he must have been asleep when the Israelites suddenly reproduced by the thousand.

1:23 The family of Simeon had 59,300 green Israelites to their name. Tucked up nicely in a high interest Israelite account.

1:24 I’m actually having to keep my Genesis text file open here to remember the names of all Israel’s kids. I’m nothing if not dedicated.

1:25 Gad’s extended family had now very much extended to 45,650. All of them male and over twenty. Weird.

1:26 The children of Reuben, Simeon and Gad were sent to one side of the field with Bollockface to form the armies of the North. Everyone stared at Bollockface. He cried.

1:27 The warworthy children of Judah were numbered 74,600. Verily.

1:28 By this point, Moses had lost count and had to start again no less than thirty times.

1:29 The army of Issachar had 54,400 members. Makes you wonder how they multiplied if not through copious incest…

1:30 The final family to join the ever so camp Captain Curtains in the armies of the South was that of Zebulun.

1:31 Zebulun, being half man and half machine, had been able to produce cyborg children. Which was handy. There were 57,400 of them.

1:32 The children of Joseph were all female. Either in body or in mind. This made them rubbish for war. But they were going anyway.

1:33 All 40,500 of them. Technicolour scarf wearing pansies.

1:34 One of Joseph’s children, Manasseh, went to a metrosexual bar one night and managed to score. Only it turned out to be a woman, not a man as he had hoped.

1:35 He finished the night with 32,200 children, all of them young males. They were all off to the killing fields too.

1:36 Benjamin spent half his years molesting horses, so this somewhat detracted from his mating time.

1:37 Therefore the army of Benjamin numbered only 35,400. They joined Joseph and Manasseh’s kids with Furmanphlax, who dissolved an anvil with his saliva as some sort of display of power.

1:38 Dan, unlike Benjamin, had 3 testicles and two penises. One was powered by a 9v battery.

1:39 So Dan had kids aplenty. 62,700 of them infact.

1:40 Asher, having not had his legs cut off at birth, was reasonably well endowed. His penis was the size of a small bath.

1:41 And thus, by mating with some kind of spider-human hybrid, he had 41,500 warkids. All hatched from eggs.

1:42 Finally, the family of Naphtali was generic in every sense. Nothing special at all about them. Indeed not.

1:43 So the 53,400 of them joined the family of Asher and Dan under the command of the Great Pea. This was going to be a tough war.

1:44 Moses came into the tabernacle and slumped in a chair. “So… many…” he sighed. “You missed one” said God.

1:45 “What!? No!” cried Moses. “Yeah, children of Levi, remember them?” replied God.

1:46 “Clearly not.” Said Moses. “I’m only kidding anyway” said God “I have something else planned for them.”

1:47 Verily, God was branded a bastard. For possibly the millionth time in the bible.

1:48 “Yeah. Don’t number them. Cos they’re gonna pack shit” said God. “Like homogays?” asked Moses. “No. No. Not like homogays at all” replied God.

1:49 God explained that the Tabernacle and Ark of the Covenant needed shifting when they went off to war. “Can’t we just leave them behind?” enquired Moses.

1:50 God slapped Moses around the head and told him to go and inform the Levites of their new role.

1:51 God inspected Moses’ clipboard. If God had done his maths right, this meant he had 603,550 soldiers. Awesome.

1:52 An army of over half a million and he didn’t even know who he was going to war with yet!

1:53 When Moses returned, God was smoking a WARCIGAR again. Moses could smell napalm.

1:54 “I love the smell of n.. no I’m not making that reference. Ever” said God. He hit Moses with a newspaper for smelling napalm.

2:1 And so the Lord did make preparations for war, as well as breakfast.

2:2 And he did speak, "These eggs are wonderful. Now then, every family in this army shall have its own flag. That's one flag, per family," God confirmed for those at the back.

2:3 Some wiseass pointed out that, since Adam and Eve were the origins of all mankind, they were all one massive inbred family. God, in reply, unfurled one enormous flag.

2:4 And the crowd of Israelites did proclaim, "I say, that must be fifty five cubits wide!" It was also threescore twopenny halfdonkey cubits tall.

2:5 God then decided it would be a good idea to explain every single tribe, their sons, flags, racial to-hit bonuses and THAC0s.

2:6 God began with Zeus. "Zeus' son is Simon. His flag is on fire. He has +1 vs all humans and his THAC0 is -130." Moses nodded sagely. Zeus was hardcore.

2:7 The Zebulons dropped in, but quickly left on account of Sinai being something of a biblical shitland.

2:8 Moses was ushered aside while God rambled on about Jeremy. Who the fuck is Jeremy? You'll find out later. About 3005 years later, on ITV in the UK at 6pm Sundays.

2:9 Other Jeremy's include: Jeremy Paxman, famous shaving champion. Jeremy Clarkson, television's first tribrow and Jeremy Baggins, destroyer of the One Ring of Power.

2:10 "I got a few toys for your little... war," said John Cleese, who had pulled Moses aside. Moses said, "What?"

2:11 "This," Cleese continued, "is a portable beehive, containing one dehydrated horsewasp. Just a drop of water and... poof!" Moses nodded and put it in his pocket.

2:12 John Cleese passed Moses a small box. "Those are condoms, use them wisely on your travels." Moses asked what a condom was. John Cleese said, "Ask your father."

2:13 "My father has cancer," Moses said. John Cleese walked away quickly.

2:14 Moses put the portable horsewasp dispenser into his pocket, something he was most wary about, but considering all the pain his God had given him in the past, he could deal.

2:15 Moses went to visit his dying father. "I bought you a horsewasp," he said. His dad replied, "I'm not your dad."

2:16 Moses took his horsewasp from the table and, hanging his head, trudged out of the retirement home with rejection. A single tear dropped from his eye.

2:17 Some miles away, God smiled a wicked smile.

2:18 Moses' single tear landed on the horsewasp dispenser. Moses relaxed his grip slightly, to lessen the pain. It did not work. The horsewasp expanded in his palm, crushing him and stinging him in the throat at the same time.

2:19 He dropped to his knees, choking on his own blood. John Cleese saw him and very quickly went to find his passport.

2:20 Meanwhile, back in God's boring shit speech, things were getting interesting. Oh wait, no, no they were not.

2:21 "And Jonwicks son is Jabberwock, and his flag is a nice yellow, and he has a +1 bonus vs orcs (which don't exist) and his THAC0 is sevennnnnn," God said, getting a good drone on.

2:22 God continued, "And Benjamin's son is... also Benjamin. His flag is made of Lycra, he has a +2 bonus vs wrestlers and his THAC0 is two."

2:23 The Gideons approached, offering threescore bibles. God said he didn't know what threescore was and he hadn't finished writing the bible yet. The Gideons left, with their very thin versions of the Old Testament.

2:24 God said, "And now... Aaron! Aaron's son is, well... dead. His flag is basically Brazil's flag, but inverted and he has a +3 bonus vs nudists. His THAC0 is fifteen."

2:25 Aaron sprinted to the front of the crowd. Panting, he protested, "Wh.. why is my THAC0 so high! I want it to be lower!"

2:26 God smiled and said, "Worry not, my child, for thou should see Moses'. He just stabbed himself in the neck with a wasp." Aaron laughed and relaxed slightly. Good old Moses.

2:27 God then armed his armies with arms. Not actual arms, obviously, although that really would not be out of place. Especially ones with sharpened bones.

2:28 Ricky Martin, the man-at-arms, instructed everyone on how to use their various weapons. He'd paid a lot of money to appear in this bible. He will appear no longer.

2:29 Aaron plugged Moses' throat so he could breathe and hoisted him onto a rock. "Let me... die..." rasped Moses. Aaron laughed and patted Moses jovially on the back. "You're a card, Moses, you really are."

2:30 And upon the rock, they gazed at the army God had gathered and were impressed at 1) the army and 2) how big and flat the rock was. Aaron said, "What're the chances, eh?"

2:31 And the Great Pea's army numbered 150760 and they stood at the back, loitering and hitting on various women and occasionally men who looked like they could be convinced to become women.

2:32 The children of Israel's army numbered 603550. Aaron whistled appreciatively as the sun set on the troops, casting shadows like giants. "Very poetic," muttered Moses, "you faggot."

2:33 But lo, the Levites were not to be counted as the children of Israel, as God had commanded. Not that anyone remembered the Levites anyway.

2:34 And as God commanded, the children of Israel set up camp and formed into ranks of families and there was a great fear throughout the land, spread on the backs of spies. The Israelites were having curry tonight.

3:1 The next morning, God was up first. “Right, time to sort out the Levites!” he said. “Who?” asked Moses. Nobody remembered the Levites.

3:2 “Well, they’re taking care of the tabernacle n shit.” Said God. “And guess who’s going to be in charge of them!”

3:3 Moses muttered faster than the speed of sound “Pleaseletitbeme” over and over.

3:4 God’s finger looped a terrible arc over the Israelites, eventually jabbing in Aaron’s direction. “YOU!” said God.

3:5 Aaron celebrated, God raised Aaron’s arm in victory. Moses cried. Moses was going to war. Moses was going to die. Again. And Again.

3:6 Aaron’s two remaining priesty sons appeared next to him. Apparently they were getting a slice of Levite pie too.

3:7 Just incase the whole Leviticus bit was a tad confusing, two of Aaron’s sons died in some kind of God-related incident. Apparently.

3:8 The Levites were brought in front of Aaron and his bearded offspring. “Hello!” they said. Aaron shuffled nervously.

3:9 Aaron explained the Levites’ tasks in this war, using many middle management terms such as “Can’t see the wood for the trees” and “Think outside the box”.

3:10 While this was occurring, God and Moses kicked back and watched the Israelites getting more and more confused.

3:11 “They’re mine” said God. Moses, no more startled than usual, did quoth “What?”

3:12 “Them. Those lot. The Levites. They’re mine.” Said God. “Care to elaborate?” asked Moses.

3:13 “No. For I am God, Supreme Emperor. The Right Honourable King Lord God OBE, Member of Parliament for EVERYTHING. I need no elaboratery. I just own them. Accept it”

3:14 And Moses did. Accept it, that is.

3:15 “Count the Levites for us.” Added God. “What? But.. you said not to a while back!” said Moses, confused.

3:16 “Yes, but that’s because you can’t count any higher than 603,550, can you?” explained God. Moses confessed that he could not.

3:17 “Hang on, if you knew I couldn’t count higher than that, you must have known how many Israelites we had to begin with!” said Moses, angrified.

3:18 “Astute observation!” said God, raising his eyebrows. “Kept you busy for a bit though didn’t it!”

3:19 Moses wondered if there was any way he could possibly kill God. Like kryptonite or a nasty wasp sting to the eye.

3:20 “This also means that you know exactly how many Levites we have too!” cried Moses. “Also correct. Go and count them” replied God.

3:21 “Just in case you’re wrong?” queried Moses. “I’m never wrong. Ever. It’s why they call it Godality” said God.

3:22 “Don’t you mean Morality?” asked Moses. “It’s GODALITY!” yelled God, indicating that Moses should get counting.

3:23 And so, Moses wept as he counted. He weepcounted if you will. And the number of his weepcounting was 22,000.

3:24 Moses wondered if twenty two thousand people wasn’t overkill for simply shifting a tent and a wooden box about.

3:25 God had the Levites organised into families, as with the armies of Israel. This was to ensure efficient tent destruction and construction.

3:26 Unfortunately, this also ensured that the organised crime circuit flourished. With a flourish. Ta Da!.

3:27 God went off into the tabernacle to whip some sluts. God did love his slut-whipping hour.

3:28 And even Moses had to confess that God made the best slut meringue.

3:29 Picking a crotchless bra out of his meringue, Moses sat with God, watching the Levites being ordered about by Aaron.

3:30 “He’s enjoying all this power isn’t he?” asked Moses. “Indeed” replied God, “But they do say power corrupts” he added, kicking Moses in the mangrapes.

3:31 In actual fact, Aaron was just ordering the Levites to move from one side of a line to the other. Just because he could.

3:32 As soon as a Levite questioned Aaron, he was whipped until he lost all control of his bowels. Aaron laughed.

3:33 “Those who are abused often go on to abuse others” pondered Moses. God was licking the inside out of a Creme Egg and was paying less than no attention to Moses.

3:34 The tabernacle deconstruction drills began. The Israelites took it apart in 10 minutes, which was impressive.

3:35 Unfortunately, nobody kept track of how to re-construct it again. Reconstruction took 4 days and nights.

3:36 And lo, Aaron did lament the fact that the tabernacle had come from Argos. For it contained less than half the parts it claimed to have in the booklet.

3:37 All these drills took time. And wasting time was a speciality of God and Moses. Moses used socks in an illicit fashion.

3:38 “Right, enough of this wankfest!” exclaimed God, removing Moses’ sock. “I have a new task for you”

3:39 Moses was to number all of the firstborn of the children of Israel and get their names. A slight variation on the last task.

3:40 “But you already know all this!” said Moses. “I do!” said God, gleefully. He did.

3:41 “And on your way out, tell Aaron to let go of that woman’s hair” continued God. “Will do.” muttered Moses.

3:42 And Moses numbered. Oh how he numbered. He also got nasty marks on his hands from the irritable plastic of the clipboard he held.

3:43 And the number of Moses’ numberment was the number 22,613. Number.

3:44 Israelite Firstborn number 12,392 was called Ian. Write that down.

3:45 Moses returned, weary, and placed his feet into the fire. For verily, he had misplaced the footstool.

3:46 “We need money” said God. “For what?” asked Moses. “For WAR man!” exclaimed God.

3:47 “When have we EVER needed money!?” cried Moses. “You’re God for fucks sake!”

3:48 “Well, we need it now.” Said God. “Plus I want to rob the Israelites one last time before they all die”. “Figures” added Moses.

3:49 And so, Moses took 5 shekels apiece from the firstborn of Israel. This was a lot of money in biblical times, when a shekel was a lump of your own flesh.

3:50 God commanded Moses to give the money to Aaron. The idea did not appeal to Moses. But neither did eels. Fuckin eels.

3:51 He did as he was told, however. And lo, Aaron and his strange tentbuilders did have money with which to buy spare tent pegs and marmalade.

4:1 God logged into his Sinai Online account and opened up his Bookmarks.

4:2 He then proclaimed that only the Devil, his minions, sons and daughters referred to Bookmarks as Favourites.

4:3 Moses let it be known throughout the land, via the medium of chain emails!

4:4 And thus in ministers offices, as well as misters orifices, chain mail arrived proclaiming the following:

4:5 "BOOKMARKS, NOT FAVOURITES. PASS THIS MAIL ON TO 10 PEOPLE AND YOU WILL BE: NOT ALTOGETHER LIKELY TO DIE WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS."

4:6 To many, this promise was irresistable and they passed the message on to all their friends. God smirked. Moses shrank a little into his seat.

4:7 And lo verily, pipeweed and twig, God confided in Moses that the clause only applied if they sent the mail on to ten people and ten people only. Moses was not surprised at all, really.

4:8 God clicked his fingers and thousands of people died. God then turned off his computer (at the plug socket) and sighed. Moses looked at him with his eyes.

4:9 "I'm tired, Moses..." God said. Moses eyed God eyefully. He wasn't quite sure what to make of this current mood swing.

4:10 Moses sayeth, "Perhaps you need cheering up, O Lord. Perhaps... a war?"

4:11 And the Lord riseth out of his seat and faceth Moses and proclaimed, "Yes, that's a fucking good idea. Let's have us a fucking war."

4:12 God handed Moses an officers cap and told him to put it on. While Moses was doing so, God summoned a mighty spear to his hand. The point was made from a horrorwhale tooth.

4:13 God boldly proclaimed that all the first born were to be his and then he announced that he was having stew that night for tea and he confided that yes, the two were connected.

4:14 "That came from nowhere," said Moses, eyeing God eyerously. God told Moses that, "the war will somehow involve babies." Moses nodded, satisfied.

4:15 God told Moses to scout the area. Moses turned around and reported back to God. "Your report, junior scout?"

4:16 And Moses reported thus: "We're on top of Mount Sinai, it's shit, there's nobody but Israelites and I think someone is stealing a sheep. Perhaps a crocodile."

4:17 God had a look for himself. "It's a walrus," he corrected. Moses tutted to himself. People these days.

4:18 God then flung himself to the ground and dragged Moses down with him. He pulled a field telephone out of nowhere and rang Aaron.

4:19 He screamed, "WE'RE PINNED AT HILL 385 THERE ARE MULTIPLE MOUNTED MGS AND ARTILLERY SOMEWHERE IN THE DISTANCE WE NEED AIRSUPPORT NOW NOW NOW!"

4:20 Aaron replied calmly, "So you want me to count some armies?" God stood up and said, "Yes." Then he hung up. Moses stood up uncertainly.

4:21 Moses spake, "I thought this was Sinai, not Hill 385." God spake, "I thought I told you to shut up." Moses considered this for a moment.

4:22 "Um... well, no, actually. You didn't," said Moses. God very slowly turned to Moses.

4:23 Meanwhile, down Sinai, Aaron strode behind the Tabernacle. The Gershonites were pitched there. This came as a surprise to Aaron, who was rather hoping for a crafty fag.

4:24 As it happens, there was a fag behind the Tabernacle and the aforementioned fag was quite crafty. All, however, was not as Aaron had hoped.

4:25 "Riddle me this, big boy!" proclaimed a man. Aaron said, "Five in the Gershonite family. Moving on..." and quickly strode away.

4:26 Aaron entered the court and counted the various hangings that were contained inwhence. Behind a lewd portrait of a man making love to a melon, God was lounging.

4:27 He blew a smoke ring, something all the more impressive when God had no cigar and no lips. He was in a rather foetal state. God said he found it relaxing.

4:28 God confided that the Kohath family had six and twenty members and were pitched to the south of the tabernacle, facing Subwaywards.

4:29 God then revealed that the Sinai branch of Subway was located conveniently close to the tabernacle. Aaron began to feel hungry for the Six Inch Sacrificial Sub.

4:30 After this brief advert for the true biblical power of Subway, God told Aaron to get on with it. More smoke rings emerged from God's lipless mouth.

4:31 The foetal-formed lord told Aaron to go and count some priests. Aaron produced his priestly abacus for the task. The Priabacst.

4:32 And lo, Aaron did go and count some priests. There was one. One priest. He was called Simon.

4:33 Aaron said, "So, George."

4:34 "Simon."

4:35 "Barry, what do you think about this war? Do the priests approve?"

4:36 The priest revealed unto Aaron that the priesthood (composed entirely of Simon) were very supportive of God in his plans for war. He twirled a razorblade deftly with his tongue.

4:37 Simon also said that God's policy on underage sex was very exciting. It went something like, "If the grass aint grown, sew the seed."

4:38 Aaron left and counted the number of tassels in the tabernacle. There were none, but Aaron had to be sure. Fifteen hours later, he was done. The tabernacle received the Tassel-Free Zone sticker.

4:39 Aaron made his report back to God. He said, "Oh God, there is one priest, no tassels and 603550 in our army." God smiled and snapped his fingers.

4:40 Aaron ran to yonder window and listened. A faint scream was to be heard. He proclaimed "603549." God clapped his hands. "Divine!" he cried.

4:41 God assembled the troops and gave the first briefing of the new campaign in the Sinai Theatre of war. A small tent was erected for the occasion.

4:42 God said, "Countrymen. Allies. Friends. The Levites have cows. We want the cows. Er. That's it, really. Tactical Officer... Moses, here, will fill you in on the rest."

4:43 God quickly created a uniform with a few stars on and dressed Moses in it and thrust him in front of the crowd. After a moments thought, God stuck a wizard’s hat on his head. Moses looked bemused but not surprised, for it was God's way.

4:44 "Operation Lord will begin at oh eight hundred hours tomorrow whence the sun comes." God nodded encouragingly, so Moses continued thus:

4:45 "We shall cross the line at oh eight fifteen and proceed to the cattle pen in Levite territory. We shall then leap upon the cows and ride them home and to victory." A few people in the crowd began clapping.

4:46 Moses looked to the side and saw God giving him a good four thumbs up. Moses looked back at the crowd.

4:47 Moses also announced the policy on looting. It was, "Take five shekels only." Simon the Priest enquired as to what the dillyo a shekel was. Moses replied, "Five gerahs."

4:48 Simon gasped knowingly. "Oh, those! I've got a few cubits of those already!" Moses scowled. Priests made all the money and for what, talking to God all day? Moses did that and got nothing. Sweet fuck all. Not even danger pay.

4:49 The army was dismissed and camp fires were lit. Nobody knew why, as it was quite hot and the middle of the day, but it seemed like the right thing to do. God roasted Moses idly over a fire, looking forward to the looming battle.

5:1 Night time came and the fires were extinguished. Moses shook the strips of bacon off his back.

5:2 God went around the Israelites, selecting a crack team with which to assault the Levites.

5:3 Once a team of a hundred thousand or so was ready, they donned their black clothing and put in their earpieces. “..and then I skewered her!” were the first words they heard through the static.

5:4 “Oh, is this on?” said God. The Israelites nodded in a concerned fashion. God began to outline his plan, drawing in the dust with a carrot.

5:5 Moses sat and watched intently. Although something was bothering him. Every time he heard that word… Levites.

5:6 He dismissed it while God finished up the strategy. The Bovine Liberation Force was ready for action.

5:7 God placed a nightvision squid over his eyes and beckoned for the Israelites to follow him across the field.

5:8 The Israelites were slightly hesitant about the nightvision squid. God assured them that it was perfectly safe. After pretending that his squid was eating his nose.

5:9 The Israelites were less than amused.

5:10 The nightvision squid (NVS) is a brilliant invention except for its short battery time. In that the squid gets tired after a while and can no longer grip your head.

5:11 This led to many mishaps in the combat arena and lengthened travel times due to the long recharge period of the NVS.

5:12 Moses stalked through the field alongside God, leading the way. Something still struck him as odd about all this. He suspected it was indigestion.

5:13 Finally, after half an hour of sneaking, they realised that nobody was looking for them. So they stopped sneaking.

5:14 But the Bovine Liberation Force had also arrived at the Levite camp, which was another reason to stop sneaking.

5:15 God scanned the scene. There weren’t any guards, which was mysterious. “Mysterious” mused God. It was fucking mysterious.

5:16 “It’s probably all a RUSE to catch us out!” he whispered to a hundred thousand Israelites in a field.

5:17 Moses and God were lying behind a shrub. God was looking through some binoculars. Moses was trying to shoo a scorpion.

5:18 “Right-o, Moses” God muttered, suddenly growing a long moustache. Moses flicked the angry scorpion off his face and listened.

5:19 “Ready?” whispered God. “Sorry?” responded Moses.

5:20 “Set!” whispered God. “Eh?” responded Moses.

5:21 “GO!” whispered God. “What!?” responded Moses.

5:22 At that precise moment, Moses’ watch passed 08:15. From out of total darkness, the Sun suddenly shone brightly. Several nightvision squid died.

5:23 The BLF charged into the Levite encampment, slaying any confused, half-awake Levites as they went.

5:24 Each Israelite mounted a cow. In a twist of fortune, the numbers matched up exactly and no cow went Israeliteless.

5:25 After the majority of the cows had been ridden rather bumpily and slowly out of the camp, Moses and God wandered around, surveying the damage done.

5:26 “A successful mission!” exclaimed God, standing on a Levite. “Very much so!” agreed Moses, who still had something irking him.

5:27 Something just wasn’t quite right about this. Moses looked around at God, who grinned.

5:28 He looked around at some dying Levites, who looked altogether rather confused.

5:29 Then, as Aaron appeared, it hit him. The Levites were on THEIR SIDE.

5:30 “Why have you stolen all our cows? And killed some of my men?” asked Aaron of Moses. Moses looked uncomfortable.

5:31 “I’ll leave you to handle this!” God told Moses, slinging a stoat rifle over his shoulder. Moses sighed. Nobody remembered the Levites.

6:1 God had disappeared most mysteriously. After a brief phonecall with Moses, who was inexplicably being shelled by a mortar, it turns out God was hiding in a mountain.

6:2 "Why are you hiding in a mountain?" asked Moses. God decided not to reveal his motivations and instead decided it was a time for ridiculous holy law making. Moses settled down into his slit trench. It'd been a while.

6:3 God said airily, "Whenever a man becomes... divorced from a woman he shall... er, no longer be allowed... vinegar." Moses sensed God was making it up as he was going along.

6:4 God sensed Moses' sensing and phased through the mountain and next to Moses, who barely had time to shit himself when God punched a hole through his chest, wrapped his arm back around and poked Moses in the eye.

6:5 God, his face sprayed with the blood of his creation pushed his head next to Moses'. Gritting his teeth he muttered, "When a man is divorced, he shall also no longer be allowed to shave. Anywhere."

6:6 God pulled his arm out of Moses' rapidly less alive body. As he fell to the floor in a messy heap, God said casually, "A divorced man may also no longer be allowed to engage a goat in combat."

6:7 The other man in the slit trench, Simon, began to clap. God struck a valiant pose. Simon clapped some more. A shell hit God in the face. Simon laughed and quickly bit his lip. But it was too late. It was too late for everyone.

6:8 God gripped Simon by his cock and launched him towards the Israelites who were shelling Moses for a laugh. They all died. But God was not satisfied. He was... lonely.

6:9 So God did raise Moses from the dead he did sit him on his knee and Moses did scream.

6:10 "It's story time!" proclaimed God, stroking his beard and looking lovingly at Moses.

6:11 Moses looked at God and saw the fatherly sparkle in his eyes. Moses screamed some more and tried to claw God's eyes out.

6:12 Dorian Grey observed them and quoth, "Paedophile."

6:13 God chuckled as Moses scratched his nails across God's eyes. They made nary a scratch. God pulled out a book on which was written 'Stupid Holy Laws'. Moses saw it and screamed louder.

6:14 God read as he wrote in the book, "When sacrificing a lamb, a ewe and ram must also be sacrificed at the precise same time. Failure to do so results in a death card, which must be redeemed in a week."

6:15 "Failure to redeem your death card results in your entire family being thrust into the maw of a terrortoad," God said. Moses said "AAAAAAAAAARGH!"

6:16 And lo, God produced a terrortoad to show Moses. It looked just like a normal toad.

6:17 Moses stopped screaming for a moment. Then the toad opened its mouth to reveal a thousand tiny eyes which begat a thousand pits of dead bodies. Moses bit his lip then screamed some more.

6:18 God suddenly decided the terrortoad should have pride of place in the tabernacle. He instructed Dorian Grey to place it there. Dorian said he would be delighted to and beamed at the toad.

6:19 In an attic, a framed picture suddenly imploded and fell into another dimension. Cthulhu was not amused.

6:20 He emerged from his dimension and thrust the picture back at Dorian, who was absolutely delighted to see the picture. The picture was not so delighted to see Dorian, however, and it tried to murder him.

6:21 God laughed merrily as Moses screamed on his knee, Cthulhu slunk back into his dimension and Dorian Grey tried to fend off a painting of himself in one hand while holding onto the terrortoad with the other.

6:22 And the Lord spake unto Moses, suddenly grave and grim and grimy. The grime was a mystery. As was the grimness and the gravery, actually.

6:23 The lord looked upon Moses and said, "Such grave mistakes have occurred."

6:24 And Moses exclaimed, "Oh, you mean like the fact we killed all the Levites when THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE, MINDING OUR TABERNACLE?"

6:25 God scratched his eyes thoughtfully and said, "... Possibly."

6:26 And the Lord rose and went and prised the terrortoad from Dorian and Dorian's throat from the Picture of Dorian Grey and (yes he has 3 arms) put them all to one side.

6:27 Then he turned around and said, "Sorry Levites. My bad."

7:1 “That’s alright God!” beamed Aaron, “We forgive you!”

7:2 The Levites who were left muttered a little. What choice did they have?

7:3 Well, forgiveness or death, they supposed. Death by being drowned in a blended mixture of your friends.

7:4 God interrupted their mutterings. “I wasn’t asking for your forgiveness; Aaron, son of Shitstain” he said.

7:5 “I’m sure you said sorry, which is kinda like asking for forgiveness” said Aaron, “And my father was called Howard”.

7:6 God took a deep breath, “Understand me, Aaron, when I say..”

7:7 At this point, rather than following the status quo by actually finishing his sentence, God opted to punch Aaron in the face.

7:8 One of the Levites, who had clearly not spent much time with God, reached for a concealed weapon.

7:9 God’s penis made a 6 inch hole in the man’s face.

7:10 And before you could say “Fuck me! Is that God’s cock skewering a man in the head!?” it was gone. As was the man’s face.

7:11 The name of the Levite was Justin. Justin was fat. REALLY fat.

7:12 He was actually reaching for a Twix, which he had concealed in the back of his waistband, in case of emergency.

7:13 God circled Aaron, eating a Twix as he went.

7:14 God was lecturing Aaron on the importance of him being God and Aaron being someone who was not God.

7:15 As God, God had certain rights. For example, he could park in disabled bays and vandalise ticket machines.

7:16 Another right, he told Aaron, was that he was unforgivable. Aaron agreed. God kicked him in the head.

7:17 Still finishing his Twix, God picked up Moses by the scruff of the neck and carried him back to the tabernacle.

7:18 “I can’t believe you knew they were on our side” said Moses, after being slammed through the kitchen table by God.

7:19 “Think about it Moses” groaned God, “They had cows, a lot of cows. We need cows, a lot of cows!”

7:20 “But, surely they would have just given them to you!?” cried Moses, removing shards of the teapot from his back.

7:21 “That’s the other thing…” said God, “There were too many of them aswell. Would have made organisation very difficult”

7:22 “So you killed a load of them?” asked Moses. “I did!” grinned God, putting his feet up on a stoolslave.

7:23 Moses decided not to argue and went to bed instead. He found a spider waiting for him.

7:24 God put his stoolslave to one side and left the tabernacle for an early morning stroll.

7:25 However, upon opening the tabernacle’s tenty flap, he discovered that some people were waiting for him.

7:26 They held gifts, not weapons as God had anticipated.

7:27 They gazed upon the Lord in awe and expectation before bowing before him and offering up their gifts.

7:28 God looked them up and down before quothing “Fuck off.” And punting one man’s gift into the crowd from out of his quivering hands.

7:29 As it turns out, this gift was the Marks and Spencer firebomb selection box and a great blaze was suddenly upon the visitors.

7:30 “AAAAARRRGHHHHHH Thankyou, Lord! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!” they cried.

7:31 God grinned as Hitler might. Were he still alive. And had he just set fire to a lot of Israelites.

7:32 Meanwhile, Moses was fast asleep, with a spider perched on his nose and a block of lard slowly melting into the bedclothes.

7:33 God continued to stroll. He strolled so hard that his stroll exploded, releasing a shower of stroll.

7:34 He had to pull into the local deity garage, who charged him £98.99 for a replacement stroll and a pair of brake pads he didn’t need.

7:35 And lo, God did lament being ripped off. This was the last time he was coming to FittaGod.

7:36 God left FittaGod with much gusto. Truly, his new stroll had a lot of low-end torque.

7:37 Upin his strollery, he saw a not insignificant amount of prostitution. This was because God had accidentally strolled into the red light district.

7:38 ACCIDENTALLY strolled into the red light district.

7:39 God perused the den of iniquity like a child in a sweetshop. All the while wearing a sign saying “I am here by accident. Where are the hookers. I mean exit. The Exit”

7:40 “You lookin for a good time, O Lord?” one vile wench did speak.

7:41 “No, No ma’am” said God “I’m looking for the exit. Yes. Are you a hooker by any chance? SHOW ME YOUR TITS!”

7:42 “I’m terribly sorry, I’m mentally ill you see. I just shout things out!” continued God.

7:43 “Oh how adorable!” exclaimed about 15 beautiful whores, dragging God into a filthy brothel.

7:44 God’s epic success with such simple chat-up techniques was astounding.

7:45 Pretend you have Tourette’s and hot women will sleep with you. FACT.

7:46 The author took a moment to enjoy the fact that he was now over halfway through the longest chapter in the history of the WORLD.

7:47 The author also lamented the fact that he had chosen to write the odd-numbered chapters and now wished he had not.

7:48 While the author was lamenting and enjoying (and also eating a rather epic crisp sandwich), God was busy “getting directions to the exit” if you catch my drift.

7:49 He was having anal sex.

7:50 At a rather intricate moment in the direction-receiving process, Moses burst in armed with a shotgun.

7:51 After blasting two holes in the wall and letting out a rather primal cry, Moses calmed down and looked at God.

7:52 God looked back at Moses, quite unsure what to make of this whole situation.

7:53 After a while, Moses spoke “Ermmm.. I’ve forgotten what I came in here for now! HAHAHA! Don’t you hate it when that happens!”

7:54 “Uhhh.. Yeah.” Said God, removing himself from three of the ladies.

7:55 “Well! See you back at home!” said Moses cheerily. He walked out, dragging the shotgun across the floorboards and humming the theme tune to the A Team.

7:56 He was soon joined outside by God, being shoved by a collection of women, shouting “I swear to Me, I don’t know who he is!”

7:57 After the women retreated, God turned to Moses, who smiled back without baring his teeth.

7:58 “Do you know what this is?” asked God of Moses, holding out a device in his hand.

7:59 “It’s one of those things you use to slice boiled eggs” replied Moses the wise.

7:60 “Correct!” cried God. “But this is somewhat larger and has a man-shaped dish, doesn’t it!”

7:61 Moses nodded in agreement. It did indeed have a man-shaped dish. With “Moses Goes Here” written on in black marker. In God’s handwriting.

7:62 “Lie down, Moses” said God. Moses lay down.

7:63 “Be sliced into even parts, Moses” said God. Moses was sliced into even parts.

7:64 “Good lad” said God, getting his stroll on back towards the tabernacle with Moses’ shotgun.

7:65 Once he arrived at the tabernacle, God was awfully tired and decided it was time for bed.

7:66 So he called down the stairway to heaven, picked up the spider and ascended to his celestial chamber of rest.

7:67 When he arose the next morning, God looked down upon the wilderness of Sinai and saw that it was a shithole.

7:68 A shithole with 600,000 soldiers, just sat around doing nothing.

7:69 God wondered where he’d left Moses. He fetched his binoculars.

7:70 God found Moses exactly where he had left him, in half-centimetre slices, just outside a brothel.

7:71 Only he was now surrounded by a plethora of plant life. God put the spider aside and went down to investigate.

7:72 After running some chemical tests on Moses’ blood, God discovered that he had taken a not-so-tiny amount of class A substance.

7:73 God resurrected Moses (again) and held up a sign which read “Don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad” before hitting him in the face with it.

7:74 God dropped the sign to reveal another one which read “Don’t burst into a room and shoot in God’s direction when he has hookers with him”

7:75 This sign was so large that it REALLY hurt when God hit Moses with it.

7:76 Moses did quoth “Ow! That REALLY hurt!” and God did respond with “Yes. I know.” He did. Know, that is.

7:77 All the sevennnnnnnns.

7:78 AND AN EIGHT!

7:79 Ahem. So anyway. God did inform Moses that they should really be doing something with the Israelites.

7:80 “Like, just, hanging out with them?” enquired Moses. “No. Not just ‘hanging out with them’” mocked God, mockingly.

7:81 After a short game of “Where’s Moses’ legs gone!?” with God, Moses went to work, giving the Israelites some drills to do.

7:82 These included: Running from the stick to the rock. Running from the rock to the stick. Jumping over the rock. Circumnavigating the rock and eating the stick.

7:83 While all this occurred, God sat in his deckchair, with his feet up on his stoolslave. His stoolslave was called Andrew.

7:84 Aaron appeared and sat next to God. “Morning” he did say.

7:85 “Fuck off” said God. “Haha. I do enjoy your sense of humour, Lord!” quoth Aaron.

7:86 God looked dismayed. Like a man who, upon trying to hold open his arsehole manually so that his impending fart would be quieter, had not only produced a loud fart but also farted on his hand.

7:87 Moses spotted them both and waved with a cheesy grin on his face. The hand he was waving with was holding a whip.

7:88 “Can I go and help?” Aaron asked God. “Knock yourself out.” Was the Lord’s reply.

7:89 Aaron was out for 3 hours after hitting himself with a spade.

8:1 The Lord did decide it was time for some moody lighting throughout Sinai and summoned Moses to commence this task.

8:2 Three days later, God was finishing up his speech about the candles. "... and they shall be dribbly candles but not too dribbly, so I may suggest some kind of Master of Dribbles to maintain a balance of dribbles. Now go, my child."

8:3 Moses sauntered away and told Aaron to light some candles and Aaron did light the candles throughout the land, as God had ordered.

8:4 A sandstorm rose presently across the land and extinguished the candles throughout all of Sinai. Also, Moses got some in his eye and in a frantic effort to clean the sand, forced his eye out of it's socket.

8:5 And the Lord, who was doing yoga, summoned Moses again. Moses arrived quickly, his eye dangling from his head.

8:6 And the Lord regarded him carefully, spying something of a recurring theme regarding dis-socketed visual orbs.

8:7 God announced, "The Levites need cleaning." Moses pressed God for elaboration. God said, "You know, soap, water, all that jazz. A good clean."

8:8 Moses said, "Aaaah, cleaning! I thought I misheard you. I thought you said killing. Because, you know, of what happened last time." God groaned and waved Moses away.

8:9 "You know," said Moses, "when you killed them all. Do you remember that God? You murdering the Levites? Do you? And stealing their cows." God pulled Moses eye out and let it twang back, like a rubber band attack.

8:10 And so Moses ordered Aaron to do all his work for him again. Moses lit a cigar and sat back. Suddenly, he realised how much like God he had become. He leapt out of his seat and actually did something to help people.

8:11 He sendeth Aaron home and cleansed the Levites himself. Five at a time, one with each limb.

8:12 And Moses said unto himself, "I'm a good person. I'm helping people. I'm not like God, I'm not like God, I'm not like God."

8:13 Moses lay the Levites, cleansed, in front of God, who sniffed. "Is that Imperial Leather?" he queried. Moses nodded. It was actually Carex, but he knew how it was with God and being correct about everything.

8:14 God suddenly merged his eyebrows and announced in a grave tone, "Leave me now, the Levites are mine." Moses made like a deity and fucked off.

8:15 God took the Levites, clean and quivering into the Tabernacle. Then he built a door and hung it on 8066R hinges and hung it and shut it. Then he put a lock in it and locked it.

8:16 Then, for the following fifteen hours, God instilled his wisdom unto the Levites. He said thusly:

8:17 "You are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine."

8:18 The Levites marched out of the Tabernacle, in single file, dressed entirely in grey and lo they did chant, "We are His, we are His, we are His."

8:19 Moses, who happened to be passing, popped in and asked God, "Where are those creepy fucks going?" And God did reply, "They're going to clean Aaron." Moses nodded. Aaron was dirty.

8:20 Aaron often claimed that if you weren't dirty, you weren't here to party, but God was having none of it.

8:21 The grey Levite army marched in to Aaron's house, pulled the Chinese finger trap from his manhood and scrubbed him clean. They scrubbed him good. They scrubbed him inside and out. The inside being the more memorable part.

8:22 And the Levites left Aaron and returned to the Tabernacle, where they resumed their service as cleaners. They donned amusing tabards and went to work scrubbing the blood from the floors and walls.

8:23 And, disturbingly, the ceilings. God oversaw all and he saw that it was good. The Levites looked good in tabards. Real good. God shut the door to the Tabernacle once more.

8:24 And so it came to pass that the Levites entered into the service of the good Lord and also got a good servicing as the Lord entered the Levites.

8:25 The term of contract was for fifty years. After which point, God would review their contract and would perhaps even pay them.

8:26 God also nominated a Levite Manager, who would do no work, in the traditional managerial fashion. God didn't pay him, either.

9:1 God met Moses outside the tabernacle. He was wearing a clown suit.

9:2 “It’s time, Moses.” He said. Moses dropped trou and bent over. “No. Not that time. Not so soon after dinner anyway” said God, gesturing idly.

9:3 “It’s time we hauled ass.” God said, riding an imaginary motorcycle. “We shall be leaving Sinai in the morning.”

9:4 Moses cheered. God told him to “make it so”, which for once, wasn’t a sign that he had to kill people or steal.

9:5 God summoned a large stadium, sat all the Israelites down in it and placed Moses on a stage with a microphone.

9:6 After some uneasy feedback, Moses did cry “We’re moving out tomorrow morning!”. A great roar went up from the crowd.

9:7 God leaned towards the microphone and yelled “We’re going to WAR, baby! Wooooooo!”. A great silence fell upon the crowd.

9:8 The crowd did shuffle away in a concerned fashion. They would have packed all their things, but God had already packed them.

9:9 God looked at his Ark and smiled. This made travelling so much easier. And he had a load of new, cool stuff!

9:10 Moses asked God where they were going. “Hmm. There’s this place. I believe I mentioned it contained dairy produce and honey” replied God.

9:11 “Well. I think it’s called Moab. Or Midian. Or perhaps both. Or did I just make those up?”. Moses was not soothed to learn this.

9:12 “Anyway, you don’t need to know yet” continued God, “Because this is going to be quite a long scorpion-infested journey”

9:13 Moses packed his walking shoes. And his shooing shoes. If scorpions were going to be involved, he was gonna need some SERIOUS shooing power.

9:14 “Oh, take some warm clothes as well” said God. Moses looked bemused. “I have lived in the desert my entire life” said Moses “Am I likely to own any warm clothing?”

9:15 God explained that Moses and the Israelites had better find some, because they were going over some rather chilly mountains.

9:16 And lo, God did thrust the Next Directory into Moses’ lap, much to the lament of Moses. The Next Directory was a fearsomely heavy catalogue.

9:17 Whilst Moses was shopping for affordable metrosexual fashion, God was planning his route.

9:18 Essentially, he found the quickest, easiest route. And then discarded it, changing every single point along the way.

9:19 RAC Routeplanner explained that the quickest journey time was around 35 minutes. God’s route took 40 years.

9:20 As night fell, God took the form of an enormous swastika. The swastika was on fire. It hung over the tabernacle, rotating steadily.

9:21 Moses sensed that he had the night to himself, so rather than cooking God’s dinner, he put his feet up and watched the Antiques Roadshow.

9:22 It was at a local auction room in Sinai. “Heh!” exclaimed Moses. Small world huh?

9:23 The people of Israel slept their final night in the wilderness of Sinai, but it was a fitful sleep. God’s swastika had started to squeak.

10:1 And the Lourde, who had changed his name, spoke unto Moses, saying,

10:2 "I demand... a trumpet. A war trumpet. Yes. A trumpet. Trumpety trump trump trumpy tru-" "I get the idea," said Moses.

10:3 Moses, who was in the War Room addressing his captains said unto God, "I'm kind of busy here, oh Lord." "Lourde," God corrected.

10:4 God informed Moses that the trumpet would be used to direct the entire army in extremely complex manoeuvres from any point of command on the continent. Moses assumed this was not a regular trumpet.

10:5 "For example!" the Lourde proclaired (a Biblical word), "whence I blow on this trumpet the armies in the east shall move in a forwardly direction." God then produced a trumpet and blew on it as an example.

10:6 Moses speaketh, "Why should I make a trumpet when you have a perfectly good one right there?" To punish Moses' sassery, God crushed the trumpet and narrowed his eyes and said, "Make me two."

10:7 Moses took God's punishment with good grace and sent orders forward to stop the eastern front marching.

10:8 God revealed unto Moses the extent of the trumpet's power. He said, "Unto Aaron, one of these trumpets shall possession be gifted upon sincewhen unto... upon... the... th-the..." God not so much lost his train of thought as derailed it with a rocket propelled grenade.

10:9 "Bashically..." said God, who had suddenly started drinking, "Aaron's trumpet will... be an artillery trumpet. M-make it happen, number Mosheshurghhh..."

10:10 Moses stood outside the Tabernacle and basked in the glow of the enormous rotating swastika. Above the doorway, Moses saw someone had changed the sign, "Welcome To The Tabernacle" to "Welcome To MURDER!!!"

10:11 Moses was about to lament the youth of the Sinai-born Israelites running wild when he recognised the handwriting. It was God's. He could tell because it was written in blood. Moses remembered this from last time.

10:12 "Look," God had said, "Just because this sign is written in blood does not mean that it is human blood and it doesn't even mean that I did it, even if I am stood next to it."

10:13 And Moses had replied, "God, you told me to 'look at this cool sign you made.' Next to it is a rendered corpse. There is blood on your hands and the sign reads, 'This sign is written in human blood.' You even signed your name. On the sign. I think you did it."

10:14 Moses re-entered the Tabernacle and ordered his troops to forward the line. Then he sat in the War Chair, on the Pedestal of War and rested his arm on the Chair Arm of War. His feet dangled above the Carpet of War, for the War Chair was rather high.

10:15 Moses decided to make the trumpets from silver, because it smelled funny when you rubbed it.

10:16 And so he contacted the silversmith, who was also the sexsmith. "Hello," the phone answered, "this is Candi. How may I direct your call? Silver or sex?"

10:17 "Silver, please," answered Moses, using the War Cushion to hide his erection.

10:18 And lo the silversmith and Moses did parlay and the procurement of labour and materials was done and Moses was pleased. Then he phoned the silversmith back and lo, he did not ask for more silver.

10:19 Reginald the Trumpmaster was summoned to the Tabernacle and before Moses and he spake, "Someone has defaced your sign. The youth of Sinai-born Israelites today, they're running wild." Moses nodded solemnly.

10:20 So it came to be that the trumpets were put into production. Moses decided to telephone the silversmith once more. And he did not ask for silver.

10:21 God decided to do a quick review of his army and quickly spoke unto Moses saying, "Moses, I am not impressed. This is not the army I envisioned. My vision is a 3% match with this army."

10:22 Moses cleared his throat nervously. He had been waiting for this as one waits for the tumour biopsy results. Moses said, "Well, Lord-" "-Lourde-" "-Lourde, after consulting your army wishlist on Amazon.com, I had to make a few changes..."

10:23 "No shit, Moses," God said, "explain yo black ass." Moses said it was due to the inherited genes from his parents that determined his skin colour. God glared at Moses.

10:24 And so Moses explained the reasons why he betrayed God and made his army wrong. Moses said, "Well, for starters, we don't have enough ore to make any Mammoth Tanks..."

10:25 And Moses explained to God that they couldn't fit a Tesla coil on top of the Tabernacle because the giant spinning swastika was in the way.

10:26 "We could move it..." Moses suggested. "No! The swastika must not be moved. It is essential." God began shaking uncontrollably, so Moses didn't argue.

10:27 God asked after his Triarii spearmen. Moses regretted to tell God that the Romans were not due on Earth for a few thousand years. God sighed.

10:28 God queried the status of the Avenger interceptor and troop transport, but Moses said, "We don't have enough Elerium."

10:29 Moses had had enough of God, who had begun spinning in time with his swastika in despair. Moses went to see his father-in-law, whom he hated. Moses said, "God doesn't want you to come with us on our journey."

10:30 "Oh right," said Moses' father-in-law, who packed up his shit and abandoned the Lourde. Moses did that laugh that Muttley does in Wacky Races, the weird hissy kind of laugh.

10:31 But God was angry he had left. "Ooooooh!" he squealed, "This makes me sooo mad!" God jumped up and down on the spot, bunching his fists and waving his arms in tight little circles.

10:32 "I could have done good unto him!" God complained. Moses, who was standing on the skull of a snakedog, said, "No. No you could not, you horrible, horrible deity." God did a silent scream of frustration.

10:33 And so it came to pass that Moses' father-in-law and his family did leave the camp of the Israelites and their armies and struck out on their own.

10:34 Or at least, they would have done, had God not sent forth his orc-snails, which chased down the betrayers with something resembling a reasonable possibility of perhaps one day achieving something describable as haste.

10:35 With the betrayers being hunted, Moses turned to the task at hand. "Raise the Ark of the Covenant! Unfurl the banners and tighten your belts." Moses narrowed his eyes. "My allies, war... is at hand!"

10:36 And lo, a great cheer rose from the Israelites and lo, God said, "Hey, what about my trumpets?"

Next page: Numbers 11 - 20
The Book of Numbers: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 29
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Last updated 19/09/2009 @ 1701