The Queen James Bible receives no funding for it's work.

Back to contents
The Book of Numbers: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30
Translation is not yet complete.

The Book of Numbers (v. 11 - 20)

11:1 The people of Israel did cry “Fuck the trumpets!”. This many people crying one thing in unison took a lot of organisation. Bob Geldof was probably involved.

11:2 Suffice to say, God was taken aback. This abackness was quickly overtaken by bloody, bloody vengeance. The Israelites cried to Moses. Things like “HELP MOSES, HE’S USING THE BUTTERAARARAGAGHHHHH”

11:3 And lo, Moses did chill God the fuck out. “Leave it, Lord. They’re not worth it!” he yelled, whilst attempting to restrain God, who was waving a severed saucepan handle threateningly.

11:4 And so the slaughter stopped, the trumpets were made and God went into the tabernacle to calm down with a nice cup of sand. However, one can never underestimate the stupidity of an Israelite.

11:5 And so, the Israelites bemoaned the fact that they had no meat to eat. Unlike in Egypt. Where they had meat. And also daily beatings. But mostly meat.

11:6 God felt he had been awfully generous in making it rain small stones every night. “Those fellas just love eating small stones!” he once proclaimed to Moses.

11:7 While Moses was playing God some calming violin concertos, the Israelites and their moanery were building up a head of steam.

11:8 One particular Israelite was very displeased with rocks. “FUCKING ROCKS! I FUCKING HATE ROCKS!” he said, frying himself a nice pan full of rocks.

11:9 Every day, the Israelites ate rocks. And every night, more rocks fell from the sky. Providing scant nutritious value to the people, damaging their cars and killing small animals.

11:10 Eventually, after a hard day’s walking in one direction, following God’s swastika, one man knocked on the door of the tabernacle. Unfortunately he wasn’t selling dusters.

11:11 Moses answered. The man spoke in summary, “We’re sick of eating rocks. We want meat. It was better in Egypt than this bollocks! God is gay!” He rejoined the Israelites, who were muttering.

11:12 God’s rage grew to epic proportions. The rant that followed produced so much carbon dioxide that a small hole appeared in the ozone layer. And you blamed it on industry, HA!

11:13 After God’s rant, Moses came up with a counter-rant, which surprised God. Moses had been quite subdued recently.

11:14 “WHY ME!?” he yelled. “Why did you have to pick me to be ‘The guy who can talk to God’!? Whenever they have a problem, who do they come moaning to!? Here’s a clue.. It’s not fucking YOU!”

11:15 “I’ve just about had enough of taking shit from people every day because you’re such a bastard!” Moses said, ending his speech. “Finished?” asked God, raising his eyebrows.

11:16 “Tell you what,” said God, “You’re clearly having a midlife crisis, so how about you go and set up a government of elders. A sort of complaints committee if you will”

11:17 “That.. that sounds nice” said Moses, looking at the floor and turning to leave. “By the way..” said God, nanoseconds before punching him in the spine and kicking him out of the tabernacle. Through the roof.

11:18 And so, Moses went before the Israelites. He did cry “God’s sorting it out!” and began to select elders by pointing at random people and saying “You’ll do.”

11:19 Once he was finished, a selection of generally dishevelled, stupid people stood before Moses. One of them had a goat standing on his head.

11:20 And no, his name wasn’t fucking Cliff.

11:21 While the Israelites complained loudly to their terrified elders, Moses rode back into the tabernacle on a large cat. God was trying on Moses’ clothes.

11:22 “Come on then, what’s the big solution?” asked Moses of a rather snappily dressed God. “How are we going to feed 600,000 people? 600,000 angry people. And that’s the worst kind of people!”

11:23 “When have I ever let you down?” said God. Moses thought about this for a moment “You let us down on an almost daily basis!” he said.

11:24 “Ha ha, yes, I suppose I have!” replied God. “Alright then, when have you not seen me never not disappoint no one, Moses?”

11:25 Moses thought about this for a moment and realised that he would not understand it even if he had thought about it for a century.

11:26 “Just… do… something!” Moses stuttered, and left. Outside, shit was going down. Again.

11:27 A small child ran through Moses. Moses turned to face him. “Please Mr. Moses, some weird-ass bloke is preaching in the camp!” he said. Moses put on his ass kicking shades.

11:28 Moses found the Israelites sitting in a semicircle, listening to a man who appeared to be reading a list of everything that beans were useful for.

11:29 And lo, Moses did strike down the bean-prophet, causing mass spillage of at least three tins of beans the man was carrying.

11:30 The Israelites did rejoice. Free from their psychological beany prison, they bypassed the elders and complained directly to Moses once more.

11:31 Just as Moses prepared to unleash his pot of wrathbees upon the Israelites, a great cloud gathered and dumped rather a lot of whales onto the earth.

11:32 The wisest Israelites ran the fuck away. However, many remained, harvesting precious whale meat. Dodging more deadly aquatic bombs as they went.

11:33 The whalerain stopped. Moses returned to the tabernacle to find God standing next to a big red plunger type detonator.

11:34 Moses looked at God. God smirked at Moses. “Surely not..” Moses began.

11:35 God plunged a mighty plunge and those who had partook of some marine finery exploded at once. “HA! That’ll teach you! Moany moany moany!” mocked God, out of the tabernacle window.

12:1 Moses stroked his Ethiopian wife's hair gently, whence upon he was approached by Miriam, which is possibly a girl’s name and Aaron, which is definitely a stupid name.

12:2 And they said, "Moses, why does the Lord only speak to thee? Are we not worthy? Are we also not his sons and perhaps daughters?"

12:3 Moses almost died of despair, but luckily he spied his wife's breasts and soldiered on. He spake, "It is not a good thing, you know, he's a fucking maniac."

12:4 And unsurprisingly God spoke to Moses and Aaron and Miriam. Mose's wife, who was deaf, could not hear. "COME TO THE TABERNACLE," boomed the Lord.

12:5 Moses looked at Aaron and Miriam and, puzzled, they stepped outside of the Tabernacle. Then they stepped back in.

12:6 Much like playing an RPG, that did the trick. God appeared in front of them. He said, "If there is a prophet among you, I will expose myself to you in a vision and only you will hear it."

12:7 Moses was far from thrilled. God's idea of exposing himself was what can only be described as 'bootylicious'.

12:8 God, who was currently in the rather demure form of a melted pile of babies, said, "I will communicate with this prophet through the un-ancient and yet to be invented art of... French kissing."

12:9 Moses did speak, "Why are you so angry with me, oh Lordy Lordy Lord?"

12:10 And God replied to Moses, unfortunately as predicted. Powerless to resist, Moses listened as God rammed his tongue down his throat and spoke with surprisingly ease, "You're a cock! You're a cock! You're a cock!"

12:11 Miriam, who was desperate for a bit of action, begged God to speak unto her. God, who, like many, wasn't sure what gender Miriam currently belonged to, decided to curse her.

12:12 Great oozing wells of pus erupted over her skin and she fell to the floor, giggling. It kind of tickled.

12:13 Aaron was crying. But lo, he cried with laughter. It was one of those moments where the laughter is infectious and you just can't help yourself!

12:14 And Moses cried unto God, a phrase that demands clarity. Moses cried tears and they landed upon God, who was in extremely close and quite moist proximity.

12:15 God, who had apparently been leading up to this all along, banished Miriam for seven days and four nights, which was an interesting and difficult to organise exile.

12:16 God spake, "You should be more clear what gender you are, lest I end up kissing another man like Moses here." Moses sobbed ever so gently, before spitting some swilled bleach into a spitoon. Ping!

13:1 “Hmmm” pondered God, shrugging off the recent homosexuality. “It is time to discover what we’re up against” he said.

13:2 “You mean you don’t KNOW!?” cried Moses, his lips still bleeding. “Ha ha. Oh Moses, you crack me up sometimes” said God.

13:3 God sat in his plotting chair, which was moving in perfect harmony with the rest of the tabernacle. Being carried, as it was, across the plains.

13:4 God demanded to see some spies. He pressed a large button on his chair marked “Apricots”.

13:5 And lo, there were apricots. And out of these apricots sprang spies. Who bore more apricots. Which turned into more spies.

13:6 “Go, my not-very-discreet army of highly fragrant spies!” God boomed. “Tell me of Canaan upon your return. And also get us some milk.”

13:7 And so, the spies left, riding pigs toward the mountains.

13:8 They soon realised that pigs were not the swiftest animals, as they were overtaken by the tabernacle. God mooned them out of a window.

13:9 Thus, the spies did dismount their pigs, lamenting the fat, immobile nature of the transport provided to them by you-know-who.

13:10 They observed the tabernacle escaping them and it appeared all was in vain. Then they turned and observed half a million Israelites coming toward them.

13:11 Everything no longer seemed in vain as they were too busy running from the rampaging horde to notice any vain. Or indeed any words beginning with V.

13:12 Fortunately, “motorcycles” does not begin with a V. It begins with an M.

13:13 Upon discovery of secret bush-hidden motorcycles, there was much rejoicing amongst the spies. Stealthy rejoicing.

13:14 They did ride their wondrous contraptions, right past God and his stupid tabernacle. Flipping him off as they passed.

13:15 God was mighty angry, but soon returned to his copy of “Tabernacle Owners Weekly”, which documented hundreds of UK and Ireland tabernacle camp sites.

13:16 Meanwhile, Moses was driving the tabernacle. That is to say, he was sat on the swastika, whipping the Israelites who were carrying it as he rotated.

13:17 It allowed an even whipping for all sides, which prevented uneven slave wear due to tracking misalignments.

13:18 God opened the glove box and broke into a new pack of boiled sweets. He opened the sunroof and called unto Moses.

13:19 “Moses!” he called. “…Moses!” still no reply. “Mooooses!”. “MOSES!”. “MOOOOSSEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!”.

13:20 “WHAT?” shouted Moses, over the deafening wind roar. His pilot’s goggles were pushing his eyes into his head.

13:21 “Do you want a boiled sweet?” shouted God. “WHAT?” replied Moses. “DO YOU W.. oh fuck it” said God, shutting Moses’ head in the sunroof.

13:22 “I can hear you now” said Moses, through the pain. God offered up the bag of sweets. Moses accepted. God used his boot to push Moses’ head back through the flap.

13:23 Moses sat for a while, falling asleep at the whip on several occasions until he became aware that he’d been driving for about a month.

13:24 He poked his head into the tabernacle and asked God if he wanted to drive for, say, A MONTH. God waved him away with a su doku.

13:25 Just then, the rasping sound of motorcycles which may or may not have been modified to run on human urine was heard.

13:26 God ordered the tabernacle to halt abruptly. Moses was catapulted off the roof to his death upon some particularly sharp rocks.

13:27 The spies dumped their bikes in a big pile on top of Moses then spoke to God, who was emptying the chemical toilet.

13:28 They informed God that Canaan was indeed full of milk and honey, in the cryptic sense that there were a lot of cows. And bees.

13:29 To prove this, one spy held up a cow’s head. Another was simply covered in bees. “Excellent!” said God.

13:30 “Uuuunfortunately” one said, “The people look a bit… hard.” God was still amused by the man-o-bees and had no time for whining.

13:31 God straightened Moses out and shoved him into the stadium with the Israelites once more. He pushed a crumpled sheet of A5 into his hand.

13:32 “Ladies and gentlemen” began Moses, “Canaan is wicked. We’re going there. But everyone there is dangerously massive and scary.”

13:33 A sigh of disappointment rose from the crowd. “So we’re going to have a war with them and hope we don’t all die.” continued Moses. A bigger sigh of panic rose from the crowd.

14:1 Sighing, as it often did under God's command, turned into uncontrollable and utterly soul destroying sobbing.

14:2 And lo, the Israelite crowd did protest their plight to their Lord. Moses, who may or may not have been disguised in a fake moustache, went up to God to give him a piece of his mind.

14:3 "O Lord!" said moustached Moses, "Why can't we go back to good old Egypt, eh?"

14:4 "'Ere!" cried a gent from the throng, "Why don't you lead us back Moses!" To which moustached Moses went very red.

14:5 God put Moses at peace. "I knew it was you all along you daft twat."

14:6 Moses felt relieved. God was happy. Moses relieved himself. God was even happier.

14:7 And lo, on God's 70" TV screen with RealPeople(TM) technology, a message from Caleb and Joshua arrived. It was the Dark Motherhood on the line.

14:8 "Shit the bed!" squealed Caleb, "we've been and spied on Canaan and it's a fucking shithole! It's like Compton, but full of orcs! Well not orcs, but... you know, people of a... varied shade."

14:9 Moses, for the sake some basis in reality, asked, "Strong and evil men, perhaps?"

14:10 "Well, no, not really. Just hookers!" said Caleb. And lo, the Israelites threw stones at the TV, as they had yet to invent rockets.

14:11 And God spake unto Moses, "What's their fucking problem? It sounds pretty fucking good to me!"

14:12 God suddenly took on a much angrier tone. "I will crush everyone on this planet, just because I can! Even Optimus Prime! Grr!"

14:13 And Moses soothed the Lord and said, "That's not fair. Then you'll never win again." God realised the truth. He let them live on, for another day. But for how long...

14:14 God, weary of the planet and universe in general did what a God always does when he or she or even it or even úngorkthé is weary: delegates. And lo, God said, "Moses, sort it out will you."

14:15 Moses had a meeting with Israelity Connexions forum. It was quite a sticky affair, but he put forward his and thus God's point. God's point was thrust forward in the forum.

14:16 "Basically," Moses said, spreading his hands before him, "God is so pissed off you think Canaan is a bit naff, after he found it for you and all, that he's going to kill you. All. Forever."

14:17 The power of God's work sank in to the crowding Israelites. "Sounds pretty good to me," said one. "I agree," agreed another.

14:18 "Sounds fucking capital!" proclaimed Chris Benoit. "Absolutely tip top tastic," declared Stephen Fry's doppelganger, Stephen Fry.

14:19 Someone said, "We'd finally be free of this tyranny? We could escape?! That sounds fabulous! No more pain! No more scrubbing his toes! His godly, smelly, mossy toes!"

14:20 Elsewhere, mothers and children were sobbing. A man wailed in the distance. Someone sneakily had it off with his mum in a tent. They were, for the Israelites, desperate times.

14:21 But Moses knew, they would miss their lives as they had now. They would miss God's love. They would miss it all. There was, Moses recalled God saying one drunken evening, no sex in the afterlife.

14:22 Meanwhile, elseapart and aft from the stage, God was pulling his tongue out of his mouth and wrapping it around his head, letting it go to make it snap back like a tape measure.

14:23 Hark, it was horrifying to watch, which was why God did it.

14:24 And lo, elsewhere, Moses told the Israelites of their afterlife plight and how little procreation there was to be found. And alas, since the push up bra was invented in 4000 B.C. it was all the rage.

14:25 Caleb and Joshua, both pretty indifferent to the marvels of push up bras, wandered into the camp of the Israelites. They would more accurately be described as having minced in to the camp, but it's hard to mince on sand.

14:26 God appeared next to Moses. It was quite a biblical moment. "Lo, Moses! Art thou not impressed with my appearance?"

14:27 Moses did spake, "No, you do it all the time. It's quite irritating, actually."

14:28 God groaned. "I want to kill you, Moses. And all your friends and brothers and sisters and enemies and greengrocers."

14:29 "Ohhh Moses," God continued, to Moses growing discontent. God was never usually so... serious. "Oh Moses, I'd love to boil you all in oceans. Of course, I would need to boil an ocean. No biggy."

14:30 And God spake unto Moses, "I could pluck each one of your eyes out and jam my cock in your eyesocket. But, I won't. That'd get pretty old, pretty fast."

14:31 God said, "I could infest your bodies with little clockwork mice, which would scurry around and eurgh, it'd be gross. Let me try it on you, Moses."

14:32 And lo, Moses did scream a thousand screams for it was, as God had foreseen, pretty gross.

14:33 And basically, God just goes on and on about how he's going to kill all the Israelites for being ungrateful bastards.

14:34 I mean sure, in Egypt, they had slavery, but they had food and shelter.

14:35 But it was way better out here! In the desert! No food, no water, no sodding anything. Yeah, it was great! And they were going to live in Canaan. Apparently every stripper who lived in Canaan.

14:36 It would be mentioned that you'd never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but I'm confident that gag has been made before and probably shouldn't have even been made then.

14:37 God thought Canaan was great and begrudged greatly Caleb and Joshua, and also Moses for being THERE all the time, in his way, like a dead cat.

14:38 Moses decided it was time to step in before God got too pissed off, which was all the time anyway, really, so Moses was really being a bit of a bellend, but it was good he did. Really.

14:39 And Moses besought of God, "Please, don't kill everyone, I'm asking you nicely and using all my manners. I'll voluntarily pull my own teeth out!" Moses waggled his eyebrows while suggestively tugging at his teeth.

14:40 "Would you?" said God, his eyes glimmering, "You'd that, of your own free will? You'd do that?" Moses nodded. God squealed a little. "Eee! I love free will! I'm so glad I gave it to you!"

14:41 And Moses did it. Not for himself. Not for the Israelites. But for the rest of the planet, as of yet mostly unbothered by God. He was giving them years more happiness.

14:42 He grabbed, yanked and pulled, just as he'd done a million times before. A million excruiating, white hot poker pain times.

14:43 And lo, a single tear fell from the eye of Moses. As it fell, it did not pass unnoticed by the omniscient Lord. He loved that shit.

14:44 And so God was calmed by Moses, although it was pretty nerve racking for Aaron, who was caught naked in God's mighty bootlocker.

14:45 God spoke of the wilderness and 40 years. Aaron knew it wouldn't be 40 years. God would forget. He shuddered. It was bloody cold, being impaled on a flagpole.

15:1 As Aaron slid gradually down the flagpole, the friction warming the horrific wound in his stomach, God sat in his chair; with his feet up, resting in Moses’ mouth.

15:2 “Take notes, Moses” commandethed God. Moses produced a notepad God had given to him. It was made of nettles.

15:3 “People of Israel. I am hungry.” dictated God, narrowing his eyes. “Moses talked me out of killing you all.. just.”

15:4 Moses’ toothless mouth felt odd with God’s heels in it. It was a sort of searing agony you only get from the work of the lord.

15:5 God continued “but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, you moany bastards”. “And bitches”, added Moses, conscious of the equal opportunities reps.

15:6 “As such, Sunday will be steak night. Everyone in the camp has to cook God a steak!” said God. When he referred to himself in the third person, it was usually when great ideas were afoot.

15:7 Afoot in Moses’ mouth, for instance.

15:8 “Since there are so many of you, and I like to eat a whole vienetta to myself afterwards, I’ll probably just throw a lot of them away.” Moses scribbled. Then Moses dribbled. Blood.

15:9 God went on to state that no work shall be done on steak night, for it shall be entirely devoted to cooking his steaks just the way he liked them.

15:10 And he liked them, predictably, raw. But warm. Human body temperature was about right.

15:11 God removed his foot from Moses’ jaw and put it into the hole in Aaron, who had just crawled back inside after being freed from the flagpole by a family of otters.

15:12 Moses walked amongst the Israelites, getting horrified looks as he went. They usually waited until after he’d told them God’s will.

15:13 And lo, Moses explained steak night, including the detailed procedure for cooking from God’s new cookbook “How to cook people. Just kidding. Or maybe not.”

15:14 Light a fire. Place a fully clothed family member into the fire. Remove family member from fire (careful, they will be hot!) and place face-down.

15:15 Warm steak on the flames from their back to around 37 degrees in a pan made from the scales of a dragon. Extinguish family member and serve.

15:16 Step three was pointed out to be optional, as the family member would probably remove themselves from the fire, negating the need for asbestos oven gloves.

15:17 The people of Israel were horrified. But no more than usual.

15:18 Moses turned away and looked in despair through the tabernacle window, where God could be seen. Aaron had died and he was throwing scrunched up paper through the hole in his torso.

15:19 Moses wandered inside and slumped in a chair. God brought Aaron back to life and he sat at the children’s table.

15:20 God was reading a newspaper. The headlines were always about him. “God Kills 30. Devil Blamed”.

15:21 “This fucking Devil, eh!” mused God, fumbling behind his ear for a cigarette but finding a human finger.

15:22 As Moses sat watching God trying to light his flesh cigar, his mind stumbled upon the realisation that he had saved the world.

15:23 And all he had to do was systematically pull all of his own teeth out. A small smile crept onto his face, which made a little blood dribble down his chin.

15:24 God flicked his paper down and glared at Moses, whose smile disappeared quickly. God carried on reading the agony aunt column. Predictably, these were also about him.

15:25 The following day happened to be Sunday. It also happened to be steak day.

15:26 God slept in on Sundays, so the Israelites had a few hours of modern life, which was bliss.

15:27 Preparations began for God’s mighty feast of one. Many men ventured into the mountains to find dragons from which to make pans.

15:28 The sale of tiny bits of paper went up 500% as families held lotteries for who got the honour of being burnt alive in the name of God.

15:29 God arose at around 11, he stumbled out of the tabernacle with a pan of cold baked beans in his hand and a fork in the other.

15:30 He sat on the porch and observed the various scurrying of thousands of steaks in preparation. God laughed a little as he wasn’t even hungry.

15:31 Just then, a man staggered out of the forest. He was covered in blood and had the teeth of 3000 bears around his neck.

15:32 This, apparently, was the return of the great hero Steven. A man who had gone into the forest armed only with a spoon and single-handedly solved the entire Israelite nation’s bear tooth shortage.

15:33 When queried, he informed everyone that he had been in the wilderness for a year, without any food. Living only off the adrenaline of killing bear after bear.

15:34 But then, to his lament, he had run out of bears to kill. Thus he had returned to his people, bearing the fruits of his heroic labour.

15:35 God looked at him and coughed. “And what have you been doing on this, my steak day?” he said. “Uhh, killed 3 bears, rescued some orphans from a bear and sold mortgage advice. To a bear. Then killed it.” said Steven.

15:36 “Not cooking steak then?” queried God. “I don’t even know what steak day is. I haven’t been here for a year” replied Stephen.

15:37 And lo, the lord did say “Kill him, Moses”. And thusly, Moses did respond “What!?”.

15:38 And so it was, despite Moses’ protests, that Steven, slayer of bears, hero of Israel, nemesis of the Israel Bear Society, was cooked and eaten by God upon his steak day.

15:39 “And let that be a delicious warning to you.” cried God, with one of Steven’s legs hanging out of his mouth.

15:40 And so, another sun set upon the Israelites, who hated God a little more, who himself cared a little less.

15:41 Around 300,000 uneaten steaks and all of Steven’s belongings were cast into a pile and burnt by flaming people. The Israelites resumed their journey, following the spinning swastika ahead.

16:1 A new challenger appeared. His name was Korah and, interestingly, he was the great grandson of Levi, which made him cousin to Moses and Aaron. God noted this and giggled forebodingly.

16:2 Korah gathered a small army of men, dressed entirely in Village People costumes. Some wore crowns, to denote the superiority of their costumes. (Although some in Korah's army mentioned that crowns were not worn by the Village People.)

16:3 Korah marched his army to Burger King, ancient workplace of Aaron and now sacred to all Israelites. They ransacked it and marched unto Moses, waving various whips and chains menacingly.

16:4 And unto Moses they proclaimed, “We've come to liberate everyone from the word of God. All this war and shit only happened when he came around!” Moses fell over and landed on his face, which was momentarily amusing.

16:5 Korah continued, “Who kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, eh? It was only one bloody apple! I thought God was supposed to be bloody bastard forgiving!” He was, Moses and Aaron whispered, lucky God was still asleep.

16:6 Moses produced a special plastic bag from a place only Aaron knew about.

16:7 He'd put it there.

16:8 Moses handed the plastic bag unto Korah, and spake, “Just put this over your head and die, before God wakes up. You're in for a fate worse than death, mate. I'm saying this because you're my cousin and all.”

16:9 But Korah refused to kill himself to avoid God's wrath, however some of the Village People Army (VPA) did have a sneaky slash of their wrists with their daggers.

16:10 Some in Korah's army mentioned that daggers were not carried by the Village People.

16:11 Moses played the Blood Card, which doesn't have the same definition as God's Blood Card. Moses spake, “I implore you, cousin of mine, to reconsider and stand not against but with us.” It was a fairly complex sentence and Moses was thankful he'd written it down.

16:12 Moses shot off a few text messages to the only people in the VPA he knew, Dathan and Abiram, telling them to stop fighting and join Moses' side.

16:13 And lo, they replied, “I'm sorry Moses, but we had a pretty decent standard of living in Egypt and you and God dragged us all out to this shit hole. I'm not going to believe in that bastard anymore.”

16:14 Moses was going to reply with something to the effect of, “God made me do it” when his phone realised it was in Israel, where it didn't have a signal. Then it realised Jesus wasn't even born yet and ceased to exist.

16:15 Moses was pretty pissed off. Firstly, he'd only been on the contract for a month and secondly, nobody would listen to him about how awful God would be to them.

16:16 And Moses said, “Fine, you idiots, do what you like, you'll fucking regret it, I can tell you. Rebelling against God? Pah!” Moses spat. “Been there, done that, got the skin melting trick t-shirt.”

16:17 Korah was not a God-fearing man. It had yet to become a survival instinct in Mankind.

16:18 And so it came to pass, Korah and his congregation (as they liked to be known) marched upon the Tabernacle and lo, they did litter and spit and play gay anthems until late into the evening.

16:19 Everyone was having a great time at the Tabernacle. Then God appeared.

16:20 God waved a tape recorder at Moses. “I heard it all,” he winked. Moses groaned, “Morning, God.” God replied chirpily, “Morning, Moses! Morning, Aaron.”

16:21 Suddenly, a grim darkness fell upon God's face. “Leave me now, Moses.” He turned to face Korah. “I have smiting to do.”

16:22 As God screwed a loudener (the opposite of a silencer) onto his gun, Korah's congregation suddenly realised they were all about to die at least once and they fell upon their knees and screamed for mercy, which to God sounded like “Merererereeeeerrbyereerbryebeemerby.”

16:23 God had garnered much experience of genocide, however, and recognised the fearful babble of hundreds of people screaming for mercy. He sighed and called unto Moses.

16:24 God told Moses to speak unto Korah's army. He told them that everything would be okay and they could leave at any time and no harm would come to them all.

16:25 Moses looked God in the eyes, which was like staring into your father's urethra. Moses looked away and said, “For serious?”

16:26 God nodded gravely. He spake, “These children of mine have realised their errors. That is all I ask.” It was all he could do not to laugh.

16:27 As Moses walked towards Korah, God whispered unto Moses, “Make up a little story about how I might punish people if they don't do as I say in future. Just a little incentive.” Moses gave God a thumbs up sign.

16:28 Moses approacheth Korah and all the Village People. He spread his arms wide, showing off his sweaty pits and spake unto the congregation thus:

16:29 “People!” Moses cried. Someone shouted out, “It's Village People, you fuckbag!”

16:30 Moses perspired a little more. “Village People! Behold, the Lord hath spared thee! Depart now of these lands or...” Moses thought about something. God-like. “...or a great hole will appear in the Earth and swallow you all!”

16:31 And so it came to pass that God, who had obviously been planning it all along, took Moses' idea and made it a reality. A bit like 'Jim'll Fix It', but horrible instead of nice.

16:32 And a mighty chasm opened in the Earth and swallowed Korah's men and women and children and board games. Moses stood absolutely petrified on a tiny outcrop of rock that seemed to be there only to keep him alive.

16:33 Which was unusual, for God.

16:34 And lo, and also understandably, all of Israel fled, because like piss do they want to be swallowed into the ground. There'd be loads of worms underground!

16:35 A perfume salesman arrived in Israel, peddling his wares. God consumed him in a tower of flame because he already smelled like Napalm And Charred Skin, his fragrance of choice.

16:36 God filled the Earth back in with a giant shovel and sat down next to Moses, who had closed his eyes so tightly, they were now half the size.

16:37 “Open your eyes, Moses,” said God. Moses did. His eyes fell out.

16:38 God quickly buried them, while Moses searched desperately for his optical orbs. His entertainment sorted for the next minute or so, God lit up a massive cigar.

16:39 God suddenly had a great idea. That is, God thought it was great. He quickly ate his cigar, pulled Moses up and shoved his eyes back into his head.

16:40 “Moses!” he spake, spitting ash all over his face, “I'm running low on Eau De Human, I want you to burn some people with napalm.”

16:41 Moses, wiping dirt and worms out of his eyes, said wearily, “You usually tell us to burn incense when you want that.”

16:42 God shook Moses wildly by his collar, only to be interrupted by the Israelites, who seemed to be all over Israel, God thought. He quickly turned himself invisible, then into a naked woman. He fondled himself thoughtfully as the Israelites approached Moses.

16:43 “It was your fault Korah fell into the ground,” was the general consensus they had reached. Moses denied everything and coughed, “I'll just get my lawyer.” He coughed again. “I SAID! I'LL JUST GET MY LAWYER!”

16:44 And lo the Lord sighed, stopped fondling his shapely self and appeared unto Moses (as a God). Moses whispered, “God, can anyone else see you, or is it just me?”

16:45 And God, ever keen to lie to his creation, spake, “Yes, Moses, only you can see me.” He rolled his eyes at the gathered Israelites, who giggled appreciatively in reply.

16:46 And the Lord said unto Moses, “Moses, please leave us and the Israelites alone, for--” but Moses had already gone. He had a sense for that sort of thing.

16:47 And so it came to pass that the Lord was wroth, for the Israelites had wrongly placed Moses as the key to Korah's death and not him. He spread a great plague throughout the crowd.
 
16:48 He clicked his fingers and Aaron appeared next to him. He thrust a small syringe into his hand and quoth, “Inject everyone. The people you don't inject will be dead in two minutes.”

16:49 And God took notes carefully, for he was running a sweep with Cthulhu, the Great Pea and the cockney snake from the Garden of Eden. God had made the snake immortal as reward for his sterling work in Eden.

16:50 Fourteen thousand and seven hundred people died as a result of Aaron assuming the small needle would refill itself magically. “Never assume,” quoth God, in a rare moment of genuine advice, “it makes an ass out of you and me.”

17:1 “Oh” said Aaron, suddenly surrounded by dead Israelites. But God was already giving new orders to Moses.

17:2 “I want RODS” yelled God, right in Moses’ face. “Each of our little Israelite tribes has it’s own mobile power station, correct?” he continued.

17:3 Moses nodded in the affirmative. “This makes twelve donkey-mounted, jam cooled, nuclear power stations, does it not?” asked God, who had been speaking rhetorically for quite some time now.

17:4 “Bring me the fuel rods, Moses. All of them.” commandethed God. Moses trudged away with the usual sense of playing devil’s advocate.

17:5 And lo, Moses did stride amongst the Israelite tribes, like a strider amongst shufflers. Strode he did, right into the power stations, and he strodelled back out again, fuel rods in hand.

17:6 When he reached the Levites, they were gathered in a large group, warming newborn babies with heat lamps. Aaron was there, he produced a sickeningly genuine smile.

17:7 Moses took the final rod, taking the roddage index of his bag to twelve. The Israelites were pissed off, it was dark and cold. The babies were also cold.

17:8 “Uh, Moses. Why is the power off?” asked Aaron. “And why is your backpack glowing?”

17:9 Moses explained that the Israelites had been punished for murmuring against God. Because if you were going to disagree with him, he wanted to hear it loud and clear.

17:10 So he could fucking murder you. Murder you good.

17:11 Aaron was not soothed. He was not warm either. But he was eaten by a passing carnivorous antelope. He was even less soothed after this.

17:12 Moses lay the rods out upon God’s killing table. “GOOOOOD, GOOOOOD!” mused God, steepling his fingers. Moses grew another arm.

17:13 God spent the next three days pointing fuel rods at Aaron until all of his hair fell out. God laughed as Aaron’s tumours replaced his eyes.

18:1 God, who had since grown weary of punishing the Israelites, spake unto Aaron, “You are going to look after the Tabernacle with the Levites. Again. Look at all those tramps inside.”

18:2 The tramps waved politely. Aaron nodded. God continued, “Also, you will be responsible for anything bad that happens in there and also anything bad that any priest does at any time in history.”

18:3 God made Aaron sign a contract. God mentioned that every time a priest touched a child, he would be automatically whipped a thousandfold, even in death. Aaron relaxed, safe in the knowledge that would never happen.

18:4 God was happy that the automatic torture contract was now in place and that, even in slumber, Aaron would have great pain inflicted on him. God was very thorough.

18:5 God went on to tell Aaron, “And also, I shall no more punish the children of Israel, for they have learned their lesson.” Aaron thought, I'll believe that when I see it. Aaron was thankful God couldn't read minds.

18:6 God, who could read minds, was thankful he'd forced Aaron to sign that contract. He'd known that Aaron would piss him off eventually.

18:7 And lo, God, as some sort of morale boosting exercise, made Aaron the Ruler of Priests and also the Priest of Rulers. Aaron swore an oath to always be straight, which would lead to a lot of frustration and confusion for later generations.

18:8 God also showered Aaron was many shiny things and declared, “Hark, Aaron, for all the hallowed possessions of all Israel's children are now under your guard.” Aaron wobbled a thirty inch rubber penis uncertainly. “Really?” he asked. “These are hallowed?”

18:9 God replied, “They're used for hallowing.” And he winked. Aaron didn't know what that meant, but he put the penis down all the same.

18:10 God went on to say, “That is the most hallowed of possessions, as it happens. It must take pride of place in the holy place and all the men should come and look at it for a while.”

18:11 Aaron said nothing, merely nodding his comprehension. God nodded too and much looked forward to showing people the various pictures he would take of his creation worshipping a giant cock.

18:12 And God declared that all the great bests of the land shall be bestowed unto Aaron. When Aaron looked puzzled, God said, "Yes, the bests. The best placenta of the year, the best stool sample, the best genetic mutation of a child, and so on."

18:13 Aaron did his best to look thankful. God announced all the firsts would be Aaron's also. Aaron did he best not to look puzzled. God said, "The first amusingly shaped carrot, the first poisonous mushroom, the first non-poisonous but extremely similar in appearance mushroom..."

18:14 God continued to expand his idea and quoth, "Everything in Israel, it's yours, Aaron." In the distance, a man who had been turned inside out by a horsewasp screamed. "That's yours!" cried God happily.

18:15 God fumbled around in his pocket to put on his reading glasses. He didn't need glasses, obviously, but the sun was setting and the glare put Aaron at great discomfort.

18:16 Much to Aaron's dismay, God revealed that anyone over a month old owed taxes and Aaron was to look after, but not spend them. Or invest it. But if God did not receive 200% growth on the tax, he would cut Aaron.

18:17 God informed everyone that the first born of a cow, sheep or goat were holy. To Aaron, he playfully made some finger pistols and mouthed the words, "Bang bang bang!"

18:18 And lo, God informed Aaron that the he should try the rump steak, after which he tittered for nigh upon twelve minutes. "Rump steak, indeed," he sighed, wiping away a tear.

18:19 Then, God turned grimly onto Aaron. He mentioned a covenant of salt. Aaron switched off and thought, 'Not this bloody covenant shit again."

18:20 God was deeply wounded, so he repaid the favour, with the aid of his wasp friends. I won't go into details.

18:21 While Aaron was busy squeezing creatures I won't mention out of an appendage I won't mention, God made to speak unto the Levites, and lo, he spake thus:

18:22 "All that is Aarons is yours. It's sort of a fee for you having to clean him up. I mean clean the Tabernacle up." God pretended he was descending a flight of stairs behind an altar. Nobody was fooled, but then, who was going to say anything?

18:23 After all the Levites had gone, God stood up and called them back. "Just remember," he cried, "anything bad happening in the Tabernacle and it's all your fault!"

18:24 And, as something of an afterthought, he also shouted, "And watch out for the stairs behind the altar!"

18:25 And so it came to pass that God realised he missed torturing Moses, so he went to find him.

18:26 The Lord had planned to mention something important about tithes and taxes and who owed what, but he had more pressing matters. "Moses," God spake, "I love torturing you most of all. I'll be sad when you're dead, which won't be long."

18:27 Moses, who was drinking pre-wine, which is to say, he was eating grapes, was not comforted. He didn't like it when God harped on about his imminent death.

18:28 And Moses did mutter unto the Lord, "You'll miss me when I'm gone." And God laughed, saying, "I doubt it, I can always see you in He.. Heaven..."

18:29 And Moses was even more discomforted, although it was hard to tell if it was the grapes or God. It was probably God, he thought. And God, who read his mind, agreed, although he couldn't be sure either.

18:30 Moses had eaten a lot of grapes.

18:31 And God, who felt he had to do something important, said unto Moses, "Behold, I have a gift for thee." Moses closed his eyes and clenched.

18:32 Something cold landed in Moses hand. He opened his eyes gingerly and saw a bunch of grapes. He vomited, all over God's shoes. God made a note of it in Moses' file.

19:1 Whilst Moses was vigorously upchucking grapes (most of them were whole), God sat back with his rulemaking pen and his tyranny pad of dreadpaper.

19:2 As he was musing, a cow, being ridden by a man in a pink cape, waddled past the window of the tabernacle.

19:3 And lo, the Lord did lament the cow’s freedom to walk. And also it’s freedom to bear blatantly homosexual passengers.

19:4 God called Eleazar, who was apparently a priest and also ambiguous in gender, into the tabernacle. He or she may or may not have felt uneasy at this summons.

19:5 “How flammable are cows, Eleanor?” beseeched God. “Eleazar” declared the person, not getting off to the best start. God looked over the top of his glasses at him/her.

19:6 “Very well, Elrozan. Now answer the question”. God’s eyes slid down his nose to meet his glasses, which had no lenses in anyway.

19:7 “Reasonably” was Eleazar’s response. “I see”, retorted God, flicking the man/woman out of the tabernacle, never to confuse the author again.

19:8 Moses reappeared, somewhat less green than he had been previously. And also considerably less full of grapes or internal organs.

19:9 “Take notes, Moses”, commanded God. Moses picked up the tyranny pad, prompting his hands to fall off.

19:10 God thought about how to phrase his new rule. “Men riding cows… err, no. Cows that have the capability to carry… hmm. Actually, any, no, all, or maybe… urgh!”

19:11 “Fuck the rule, Moses!” cried God, pulling the pad from Moses’ lifeless hands and gluing them back on to the ends of his rapidly emptying arms.

19:12 “Just get out there and burn that guy alive. And his cow. Mostly the cow”, God pointed at the cow-riding freethinker, who was now wearing ass-less leather chaps and twirling an umbrella around.

19:13 “But.. that’s Bumwrecker Briggs, the hardest man this side of a prison wall!” exclaimed Moses.

19:14 God glanced back out of the window. Bumwrecker Briggs was dancing with his cow, as one might with a dog on a family video. God returned his stare to Moses, his eyes as wide as otter lungs.

19:15 “For God’s… I mean MY sake, Moses. Get a fire going”, said God, after an uncomfortable pause. God loaded his stun gun.

19:16 After a brief conversation with Bumwrecker Briggs, who complemented God’s choice of shirt and trouser combination, God shot him in the face with the aforementioned stun gun.

19:17 Like the rest of God’s arsenal of unconventional weaponry, his stun gun was actually a charming cuckoo clock, out of which popped a comically oversized fist. Upon the fist was scribed “Surprise!”.

19:18 And lo, Bumwrecker Briggs did wake from his restful coma, tied to the leg of a tall man, who had apparently also angered God and was tied to an even taller tree, upin which was perched the cow.

19:19 God offered mercy to any man that could eat a sugared doughnut without licking his lips. Much to the men’s lament, the doughnut was also filled with fire ants.

19:20 The lamentations continued, as both men lamentified their lament at not being able to resist the tempting power of sugar, or the less tempting power of angry ants.

19:21 Thus, God cast aside his friendly fire and went straight onto his burny painful fire, starting at each man’s hair and working his way down.

19:22 Once the condemned were truly well done, they were fed to the Israelites as a grave warning on the dangers of riding cows and having good fashion sense.

20:1 The Israelites, in full battle mode, accidentally wandered into the land of Kadesh. Moses' sister, Miriam, was carrying so many heads on poles that she fell off a cliff and, unsurprisingly, died.

20:2 While Moses was retrieving the body of and burying his sister, the Israelites halted their march.

20:3 It took Moses threescore and two days to descend the cliff and retrieve Miriam's body. The Israelites grew restless. They weren't too keen on being stuck in the desert.

20:4 And lo, they spoke unto Moses, “Moses, we're tired of all this shit.” Moses blinked. He wondered where God was.

20:5 And the Israelites continued to moan, “We don't have any food or water, there's fucking sand everywhere. It's fucking wank. What were you thinking?!”

20:6 And Moses said, “It's all God's fault!” Suddenly, God appeared. “Speak of the devil,” Moses muttered.

20:7 And the Lord had been listening, and he spake unto Moses, “Take this rod.” After Moses wiped the spit off his face, he took the rod. He remembered the last time God had given him a rod. Some horrible shit went down.

20:8 God smiled at Moses. “Take this rod, Moses, and speak unto the rock over there. Do not touch the rock, it requires only speaking to. Got it?”

20:9 Moses reluctantly stepped towards the rock. He thought about what the Israelites said. Maybe it had been a mistake to lead the exodus.

20:10 If they make a film version of the Queen James Bible, lots of whispering voices will be filling Moses' head right about now, accompanied by lots of swirly visual effects. Something to give the impression of a mental crisis.

20:11 Moses turned to the rock and raised the rod. He hit the rock twice, saying, “No, God, I think you're wrong! We should just turn back! Egypt was better than this!”

20:12 Water began flowing out of the rock. Moses said, “Oh shit.” Aaron did too, because he imagined he was somehow implicated in the entire affair just because he was leader of the Levites.

20:13 God shook his head sadly and said, “I'm not angry, Moses, I'm just... disappointed.”

20:14 After God had disappeared, Moses had buried his sister and the Israelites had drunk, Moses, sent a message unto the king of Edom, ruler of the land they were next to march through.

20:15 The message read: “We don't want no drama, no no drama, no no no no drama. Also, we don't wish to fight, only pass through your land.”

20:16 Moses also added a little postscript about God taking them out of Egypt and mentioning that they probably didn't want to fuck with God.

20:17 Aaron put on some lipstick and kissed the note, which was carried by a man called John Sinclair.

20:18 And Edom replied by simply drawing a large representation of his middle finger raised and sent it back to Moses.

20:19 The Israelites were not impressed and the elders, or old bastards as Moses called them, decided to go through Edom's land anyway, which makes you wonder why they bothered to send a note in the first place.

20:20 Edom erected a big roadblock in the Israelites path and lo, the Israelites had to turn back. It was a very big roadblock. Biblical, some said.

20:21 And Aaron was sad, because he knew he'd get the blame.

20:22 And so the children of Israel, which was their nickname, journeyed unto Mount Whore, which was in rather poor taste, but then the Israelites didn't name it, did they?

20:23 God appeared on Mount Whore, looking most sombre. He was wearing a Martin Luther King Jr mask.

20:24 Black wasn't God's colour, but he didn't care. He gathered everyone unto Mount Whore, which didn't take long, b ecause everybody was already there. “That was easy,” God said somberly.

20:25 God commanded Aaron, “Remove your clothes, even your pants and give them unto your son Eleazar. Your son will then put them on.”

20:26 And Eleazar said, “Even his pants?” God nodded somberly.

20:27 With everyone watching and Aaron sort of knowing what was going to happen, God lifted his mask and all God's brilliance was upon Aaron.

20:28 He staggered backwards and fell down a hole, at the bottom of which was the sharpened bone of every Israelite that had died. God had spent ages collecting them all.

20:29 And so it came to pass, Aaron was dead and the Israelites mourned for 30 days. Moses mourned for 90, he could never hope for such a peaceful death.

Next page: Exodus 21 - 30
The Book of Numbers: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 30
Back to contents

Last updated 15/09/2009 @ 2328