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The Book of Numbers: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 32
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The Book of Numbers (v. 21 - 32)

21:1 As they wandered down the slopes on Mount Whore, Moses did ask of God “You’re… you’re not bringing him back, are you?”

21:2 God, who had already forgotten Aaron and was eating buffalo wings, did reply “Who? Oh, Aaron? No. I often dreamt of leaving him impaled on the corpses of his relatives, so I did.”

21:3 “I seeFUCK!” said Moses, his nonchalance sharply cut off by an arrow narrowly missing his ear.

21:4 “Surprise” spake God. And lo, a great battle was upon them. God rode a particularly vicious pig into the ranks of the newly-appeared attackers.

21:5 And so, it came to pass that the Israelites won a great victory over the mysterious army, mostly aided by God’s tactically placed paper mache landmines and platoon of horrorwhales.

21:6 And shortly after the battle, the people did speak “What the shit is this!? How’s about some warning that the war had begun, eh God, you bastard!”

21:7 “INSOLENCEINSOLENCEINSOLENCE!” went God’s insolence alarm. God pressed the snake release button, followed by the “on fire” button.

21:8 The people of Israel were soon gravely repentant as their neatly folded clothing was ruffled by a horde of flaming snakes.

21:9 They did cry unto Moses, saying “Oh God, Moses. It’s awful, my shirts will require re-ironing!”. Moses was sympathetic to their cause, for the tabernacle did not have laundry facilities.

21:10 He did speak to God, who berated him. Then beated him. Then berated him some more. Finally, God gave Moses the anti-snakes.

21:11 Still sore from the (anal) beating, Moses released the anti-snakes. They collided with the flaming snakes, annihilating both in a flash of pure energy, followed by the smell of almonds.

21:12 With their pressed clothing no longer subject to God’s tyranny, the people of Israel marched onwards across the ambiguous landscape.

21:13 Moses looked back at the outline of Mount Whore briefly. He could still make out the somewhat smaller outline of Aaron, plus the outline of the thigh bone sticking out of his head.

21:14 When Moses turned back around, God was there. He had a cocktail, upin which was a fish and one of those little ornamental castles.

21:15 “You know Moses” began God, “I can’t help but feel that I’m a brilliant deity”.

21:16 “Really?” asked Moses, his genuine surprise suppressed only by his genuine fear of pain and spiders. God had plenty of both.

21:17 “All the great leaders emerge from wars, Moses”, replied God, straining the fish out of his drink with a fish sieve.

21:18 “It’s just that I happened to be an awesome leader since the dawn of time, and I felt like I was missing out on a war or two”. Moses nodded at a typical piece of God logic.

21:19 “So you’re going to send us all to die” responded Moses, despairingly. God simply pointed at Moses with both his index fingers and winked.

21:20 “You’re sharp Moses. Sharp as a flying arrow!” said God, just as a very sharp, very flying arrow whizzed by Moses’ head.

21:21 Moses lamented his magnetic nature towards sharpened projectiles recently. God lamented the poor aim of the attacker.

21:22 As it turns out, the arrow was not intended for Moses, but for King Arad, the leader of the mystery army who were now all dead.

21:23 Arad was running away from a huge collection of Amorites. Apparently he had overslept and missed his own battle, so he went to pick a fight with them instead.

21:24 As Arad reached God and Moses, he fell to his knees and begged them to help him. God sucked thoughtfully on his cocktail.

21:25 “Nope!” exclaimed God, cheerfully. He booted Arad into the ranks of the advancing Amorites.

21:26 Sihon, who was apparently the king of the Amorites, came to the fore and exclaimed “What the hell is all this? Get off my fucking lawn!”

21:27 God had run out of cocktail, so he sucked thoughtfully on Moses. “Nope!” he exclaimed, producing a butterknife and polishing it furiously.

21:28 And lo, the battle did rage for many days. Many people died. Many repeats of Friends were watched by God, who had his feet up on a pile of severed limbs.

21:29 And just when all was won, and the Israelites began to celebrate, another army appeared on the horizon. “How the hell do they organise these things so quickly!? The logistics are staggering!” exclaimed Moses.

21:30 Thus, the celebrating turned back to raging and God decided to have a nap, but not before bringing Moses back to life. Moses was truly terrible at fighting.

21:31 When the battle finally ended, it was because nobody could see each other through the smoke emitted by God’s coal-powered fondue set.

21:32 God decided it was time for this particular battle to end, so he ascended to heaven to access MS-GOD.

21:33 And lo, he did type “everyoneexceptmosesandMOSToftheisraelites.god /kill”. After all, it had to look like a proper battlefield.

21:34 In an instant, thousands of people died. Which sounds like this: “AGH. Flopalopadop”.

21:35 Once the smoke cleared, God saw his creation tending to his dead creation and he was most pleased. Most pleased indeed.

22:1 The Israelites, after doing some breeding to restore their numbers (God decreed it), set off towards the promised land.

22:2 And Balak, son of Zippor, saw all through his crystal ball which had a tiny puppet inside relaying the news from his spies.

22:3 And Moab, a whole country as a single entity, grew afraid. They were afraid of allergies and also of the Israelites. And who can blame them.

22:4 And Moab, again as a single entity, went, "Moan moan moan!" Balak, who was king of Moab and the Moabites that occasionally resided within Moab, sighed.

22:5 So he whipped out his iPhone and awkwardly wrote on the touch-sensitive-sometimes-unsensitive keypad, "Fireballs and skullduggery, some crazy people from Egypt are crawling all over me!" and he sent it to Balaam and Peor.

22:6 After Balak had recieved phone calls from both Peor and Balaam demanding to know what the dickins he was on about, Balak pleaded, "Please, both of you." (Conference calling!) "Come and help me fight them, they are so muscly from slavery and dirty from desertery!"

22:7 Some meddling old people from Moab went to see Balaam and lo, the elders did gossip about Balak.

22:8 Balaam fed the old people some bullshit and snuck off to "speak with the Lord" or, as he was actually going to, "beat off to animal sex."

22:9 And, while Balaam was watching two pigs go at it, piggy style, God appeared unto Balaam. "WEY HEEEEY, GOOD ON YA!" God cried, snapping on a party hat. "Hey, who's the old folks?" he asked, jerking a thumb.

22:10 And Balaam, hiding his shame by severing his own penis (with a knife God handed him, natch) said, "They are some meddling old bastards from Moab, ruled by Balak, the son of Zippor, hilariously." God waved a hand dismissively. "I know," he said, "Every question I ask is rhetorical."

22:11 Balaam, presumably in the midst of blood lust from cutting his own pecker off, said, "Moab wants to go to war, with our help! We'll kill all the Israelites making the old people meddleous." God rubbed his chin. Meddleous, indeed.

22:12 God, after much rubbing, also said, "No." Balaam looked puzzled. "What?" God said, "You shall not kill the Israelites. God out." And God disappeared.

22:13 After a nap and a lot of black pudding, Balaam marched in on the old people who were, unsurprisingly, asleep and perhaps dead. Balaam cried, "You! Old people! Get out! I'm not going to fight, God has told me not to. Now piss off!"

22:14 And the old people shuffled back to Moab and said unto Balak, "Moany moany moany. Also, Balaam isn't coming." Then, flatulence.

22:15 And Balak was infuriated and gathered the best meddling old people he could, the old Princes! They were so meddlesome, they had to be stored in meddleproof cells.

22:16 And they shuffled unto Balaam and moaned, "Moany moany moany look at my jewels moany moany moany." A little light wind occured.

22:17 The head prince, who was 97 years old, said, "Listen, Balaam. Come fight with Moab. Balak will bestow upon you a great honour, he has told us. Come on. Come onnnn."

22:18 And Balaam, who hadn't been to "speak with the Lord" in five days, said, "Even for all the gold and silver and bronze Balak has, I could not go past the word of God. Anyway, good night, I'm off to speak with the Lord."

22:19 And so, Balaam set up his bedroom for the first time in five days and enjoyed the rituals of the ferrets.

22:20 And God came upon Balaam that night, because he'd been watching too. And he said unto him, "Don't go with them, Balaam. I'm not going to stress the point because I actually like it when people disobey me all the time."

22:21 And so Balaam, after his black pudding, saddled up and rode to Moab, leaving all the old people behind. He smiled as sand flew into his eyes. That God sure was swell, letting him disobey Him like that.

22:22 And so God woke up the next day and looked hopefully out of the window. He used his omnipresence to find out where Balaam was and was delightedly furious. "Oh no!" God cried, slapping a hand to his face in mock horror, "He's disobeyed me and gone!"

22:23 Balaam, who was navigating the tricky corridors of a local pub to use the shitter, came upon a donkey. Unperturbed, he hit it with a sword.

22:24 And, lo, an angel of the Lord stood, shining quite brightly and generating a small amount of wind (hee hee!) in the toilets, behind the donkey. Not a wise place to be, but then who is going to shit on an angel?

22:25 The donkey sensed a draught up his arse and turned and saw the angel. Feeling a bit of a poo coming on, he turned desperately to avoid doing it on him and stood on Balaam's foot.

22:26 The angel strode forward and backed Balaam into a corner. The donkey did a little poo.

22:27 The donkey, which had pooed on Balaam's foot, angered Balaam greatly, for his shoes were designer dwarfskin. He smacked the donkey with his sword.

22:28 Barely containing absolutely riotous laughter, God opened the mouth of the donkey and screamed, "Stop hitting me you absolute cocking bastard!" The donkey's eyes were spinning too. God was pissing himself.

22:29 And Balaam said, "I... I... fucking..." He shook his head slowly, his eyes darting around wildly.

22:30 "Am I not your favourite donkey, whom you have ridden all this way?" Balaam looked confused and spake, "I don't know, are you? You all look the same to me."

22:31 God, via the donkey, said,"Do you know what that is, you cock? It's an angel. One of mine. FYI, I'm God, incase you hadn't guessed."

22:32 Balaam was about to say that he had not guessed when the angel spake, "BALAAM. EXPLAIN WHY YOU SMACKED THAT DONKEY OR BE TERMINATED AFTER THE TONE."

22:33 Balaam waited for the tone. After a short while of about two minutes, God (via the donkey) spake, "FYI, it was a very quiet tone. Get talking." Balaam almost did a little poo himself.

22:34 Balaam said, "I have sinned and I will give the donkey my sword for it to hit me. You know, atonement and all that? Is that okay?" Balaam looked hopefully at the GodDonkey. It's eyes were still spinning.

22:35 The angel processed the information with it's rather meagre processing power. Eventually it spoke and said, "REMORSE WITHIN PARAMETERS. PROCEED TO BALAK."

22:36 And so it came to pass that Balak and Balaam met in the city of Moab. You really have to wonder, though, how big of a city was it, all those years ago? It was probably more of a town by today's standards. I'm just saying.

22:37 Balak was none too pleased that Balaam took ages in arriving and was even more unpleased by his tall tales of how he met God in a donkey and saw an angel.

22:38 And Balak said, "Did you drop some acid on the way? My son is always meeting God that way."

22:39 And Balaam and Balak stode unto Kirjathhuzoth, where Balak assured Balaam that he would find the woman of his dreams in a shop window.

22:40 And Balak offered oxen and sheep, and sent to Balaam, and to the
princes that were with him.

And Balaam said, "So, this Kirjathhuzoth then? Is it quite a popular place? It looks very interesting. Does it get a lot of visitors?"

22:41 And Balak said, "No, actually, it doesn't. Infact, I doubt this place will ever appear in the Bible again." And it doesn't.

23:1 “Oh” said Balaam, fiddling with a truffle he found earlier. “Why are we here again?” he continued.

23:2 And Balak did speak “I want to put a CURSE on Israel!”. He spoke this with much vigour. Balaam blinked at him.

23:3 A few moments passed and the truffle fell from Balaam’s fingers. It made a sort of “dfft” noise as it hit the floor, for truly, the impact absorption properties of truffles were not so great.

23:4 “A curse?” beseeched Balaam, desperately searching for mirth in Balak’s face. It was not forthcoming. “You’re off your fucking head, mate!” he did cry.

23:5 The talk of curses attracted the attention of “you-know-who”, who discreetly inserted a sausage into Balaam’s mouth.

23:6 Telepathically, God informed Balaam of a mighty plan and/or practical joke which was to take place whether he liked it or not. Balaam chewed his sausage thoughtfully.

23:7 Finally, after several minutes of silence, during which Balaam had spontaneously started chewing something, he finally spoke. “Ok, I’ll do it!” he spake, which startled Balak not a little.

23:8 “Oh. OH! Well, fantastic!” cried Balak, his trousers tightening. Balaam decided not to query why Balak had sought him out to perform a cursing. 

23:9 Balak watched excitedly as Balaam shaved his head, which was apparently necessary because all curses are more potent when delivered by a bald man. Straight up.

23:10 Balaam was, of course, being totally controlled by God, like some sort of grotesque marionette show. Balaam finished up by removing his eyebrows with carpet tape. 

23:11 Balaam (God) began muttering to himself. Presuming that this was the beginning of the cursery, Balak leaned closer to find out what was being said.

23:12 “ISRAEL RULES!” screamed BalGod, right in Balak’s face. “BY WHICH I MEAN THEYRE NOT BAD, YOU KNOW, SORT OF ACCEPTABLE.” 

23:13 Balak was most unamused, in the sense that he was now dying of a heart attack.

23:14 God left Balaam and set about reviving Balak, who had finished turning blue and was now turning grey.

23:15 “Now then Balak, you shit!” quoth God, tapping Balak’s forehead with a gavel. “There shall be no curses apart from mine, I am monopolising the cursing industry, knowhatimsayin?”.

23:16 Balak’s head lolled forwards as a sign that he did indeed know what God was saying. Either that or he was dead again.

23:17 At that moment, God had to leave because Moses didn’t know how to work the microwave.

23:18 As such, a giant floodlight in the sky with an icon of people running away from an oppressive lightning-wielding maniac on it could be seen shining up from the tabernacle. 

23:19 About an hour later, Balak awoke to find he was outside, face down in the dirt with Balaam sat on his back. 

23:20 “I’m the King of Moab you know!” said Balak, producing a fold-up crown from his pocket and placing it awkwardly on his head.

23:21 “Yeah well, we’re somewhere unpronounceable so you can put your paper hat away” said Balaam.

23:22 “What did I miss?” asked Balak, “Oh yeah, you were cursing the Israelites for me weren’t you?”.

23:23 “Errr, yeah…” quoth Balaam, who had recovered his truffle and was once again fiddling with it.

23:24 God appeared in a puff of smoke, with a microwave instruction manual under his arm and a frozen chicken curry in the other.

23:25 “Look, just pack it in will you!” he said, “It’s fucking hassle enough having to look after and occasionally murder Moses without another body to keep bringing back to life!”

23:26 And lo, Balak did whine about wanting to curse Israel and asked why God liked them so much, with their crazy hole-in-the-middle bread.

23:27 Thus, God was left little choice but to batter Balak to death with a combination of an instruction manual and a frozen ready meal.

23:28 God’s supersonic hearing could detect Moses fumbling with kitchen appliances from miles away, so he disappeared once more, stopping to leave Balaam a mirror.

23:29 Suffice to say, Balaam was most displeased with his new appearance. That of someone with total body cancer.

23:30 At that moment, Balak was brought back to life (through God’s proxy angel) and did quoth “What happened? Have you done that curse yet!?”

24:1 A great period of time passed uneventfully in the universe. God popped his head around a dimension and said, “Oops, sorry about that. Forgot to top up the meter. Everything should carry on now.” There was a brief flurry of something being struck repeatedly. "Now!" God commanded. The universe flickered back to life.
 
24:2 And so it came to pass that Balaam had a thought, which was quite unusual for biblical characters. He spake, “You know, I get the feeling God doesn't want us to fuck up the Israelites.”
 
24:3 He directed a bemused Balak’s gaze unto the camp of the Israelites, which was inexplicably now in front of them. Balak said, “How did we get here? I thought we went to Kirjathhuzoth.”
 
24:4 Balaam said, “And why do you think we went there, prick? The Israelites are right next door. Apparently. Anyway, just look at it. It’s just too easy. Look how peasanty they look. There's even a cart for the dead!”
 
24:5 And they gazed upon the Israelite camp with wonderment and the desolation of the Israelites. Balak observed, “They are constantly looking up with fear. Weird.”
 
24:6 Balaam said, “Perhaps that's why none of their enormous army has noticed us. Also, what is that queer abstract thing over there?” Balak said, “Where?”
 
24:7 Balaam insisteth, “There! That thing about twenty cubits high. With the spikes.” Balak finally saw the Tabernacle and admitted he had no idea what it was.
 
24:8 “And what’s this?” Balaam said suddenly, noticing a conveniently placed pamphlet stand that sang praise of the Israelites. He took a pamphlet gingerly.
 
24:9 And lo, the pamphlet did sing, “The Israelites are great! The Israelites are great! The Israelites are great! The Israelites are great!”
 
24:10 And Balak’s anger was kindled against the tremulous trilling of the pamphlet and he spake with great spittle unto Balaam, “I came here to do some cursing, not this. Fuck the Israelites, fuck God and fuck that leaflet!”
 
24:11 And wiping his face, Balaam replied, “I think it’s a pamphlet.”
 
24:12 And Balaam then regaled Balak with the tales of God’s visits unto him and all the terrible things he was sure would come upon him.
 
24:13 And Balak replied, “I always thought talking to God was a euphemism.”
 
24:14 Without warning, a moustached man announced himself and said, “Those pamphlets aren’t free.”
 
24:15 Balak and Balaam, being rather kingly men, found this interruption a great nuisance and made their feelings known fistfully.
 
24:16 The moustached man fell to his knees clutching his stomach and scrotum. He rasped, “Don’t you know… these are God’s pamphlets…”
 
24:17 "Oh. God!" Balaam wailed, finding it difficult to stay in character and biblically accurate, "I didn't realise! Sorry, God."

24:18 And the Lord God, being the kind of merciful God that he was, did not kill them both where they stood.

24:19 He did, however, appear unto them in his most naked of forms and spake, "Sup, pricks."

24:20 Conversationally, God said, "Have you ever heard of the city of Amalek? No? Oh, I remember, I destroyed it after they said my dong was not very big."

24:21: Balak and Balaam observed the heavenly penis and followed its path over the horizon.

24:21 God spake, "They were being sarcastic, obviously. I didn't appreciate it. So they died. In a rather... gelatinous manner."
 
24:22 God took a breath. From Balaam. He quickly choked and gasped for more air.
 
24:23 Continuing to speak, God said, "Remember the Kenites? Of course you don't. I erased them from time when they spoke ill of a mountain I'd made."
 
24:24 God's eyes glazed over as he recalled genocides past. There was a rustling sound as a thirty mile phallus began engorging itself with blood.
 
24:25 And wordlessly, God's will was had and Balak and Balaam rose up and returned to their kingdoms. "Oh, now they fuck off," God commented. "Homophobes."

25:1 The men of Israel, now devoid of entertainment, began to eye the women of Moab, who were apparently in a camp just next door.

25:2 The women of Moab were all sat on a rock in the middle of the camp, singing pretty well. Around them were a curious number of shipwrecks for a desert.

25:3 And lo, the men of Israel were enticed to eat, drink and have frightening sex. Unfortunately, the women of Moab are craftsome and did plonk a whacking great idol to the god “Steven” atop the pile of sleeping men.

25:4 God was pretty chilled about this. Well, actually he was bloodshittingly furious, but I felt like a change of pace.

25:5 And God did walk amongst the now fleeing men of Israel, batting them in time with the syllables of his ranting.

25:6 “What. Did. I. Say. About. No. Other. Gods. But. Me!?” he punctuated with violence.

25:7 “Mosessss” whined God. “My beating arm is tired. Take this hose and carry on will you?”.

25:8 Moses did as he was asked/told/threatened and set about beating naked men with a length of hosepipe. Nothing could surprise him anymore.

25:9 God reclined in a deckchair, thumbing through the latest issue of “Aggression weekly”, sipping his drink thoughtfully.

25:10 Occasionally, he would idly shout encouragement to Moses, never once looking up from the article on offence as the best form of offence.

25:11 Moses' unchecked beating went on until God found him pathetically whipping farm animals on a nearby farm. The animals looked pretty nonplussed.

25:12 “Alright, ENOUGH!” cried God, his blood pressure rising from the excitement of his current favourite weekly periodical.

25:13 God put on his velcro stripper trousers and opened the freezer to reveal a freshly frozen whale shark.

25:14 “CLUB OF POSEIDONNNN!” yelled God, swinging the unusually stiff shark to and fro, smiting harlots as he went.

25:15 Once the smiting was complete, as determined by the thawing and eventual flaccidity of God's sharkbat, he went into the tabernacle and sat in his rocking chair.

25:16 At that instant, Moses entered. God had posted his bail money with a postdated cheque. “Eight days for bovine affray!” becried Moses.

25:17 “Oh do shut up.” asserted God, removing his socks with a satisfying ping across the room.

25:18 Moses slumped into the horrible chair, God's left sock covering half his face and making him look a bit emo. “Faggot” God did say. Moses sighed.

26:1 And it came to pass that after God had finished brutalising and demeaning the Israelites, he felt they needed an explanation.
 
26:2 Unfortunately, the Israelites had irritated the Lord so badly that instead of explaining anything to anyone, or even making his point clear in a written record of the time, he decided to do a bit of warmongering instead.

26:3 So God gathered Moses and Eleazar, son of Aaron and father of bondage and spake unto them thus, "Gather everyone able to fight over the age of twelve. Wait! Make it twenty. I've got something special planned for the twelve year olds."
 
26:4 Moses and Eleazar looked at each other and gulped, which ironically is something the twelve year olds would be doing when God got his hands on them.

26:5 God insisted that the Israelites group themselves into families, so as to further emphasise the inherently incestuous nature of their being.
 
26:6 God surveyed his children and rubbed his hands. "Yes, excellent, the rampant inbreeding is working perfectly." He suddenly pointed a great finger through a passing Israelite. He bellowed, "You there! Hast thou slept with anyone in your family recently?"

26:7 The unfortunate Israelite gurgled sadly as God's finger twisted uncomfortably in his torso.
 
26:8 God removed the finger and spake unto the nearly dead Israelite (who was also a Reubenite), "Ah, sorry about that. I find it hard to focus on harems."

26:9 The Israelite (Reubenite) died without reason and ascended to Heaven. He knocked uncertainly on the door that was in front of him.
 
26:10 The door swung open and God let the Israelite (Reubenite) in. God reiterated, "Really sorry about that. Still, at least you're in Heaven! Now you can sleep with all your dead ancestors!"

26:11 And the poor unfortunate Israelite (Reubenite) who shall never be named did protest thusly against the Lord: "But God, I don't want to. It's genetically repulsive for me to do that. I don't know why you make us do it. Please, can't I just stop sleeping with my relatives?"

26:12 And God barked, "Nay!" which is not the kind of thing you'd expect to be barked. Whinnied, perhaps. The Israelite (Reubenite) was certainly taken aback.
 
26:13 God continued barking, "I won't have talk of genetics up here! You'll do as I tell you, not as you think is right or proper. I am, after all, your God. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY PUSHUPS."

26:14 The Israelite (Reubenite) immediately obeyed. After he was done, God nodded appreciatively. He spake, "Now, drop and give me fifty. Over your grandmother. While you're both naked. And..."

26:15 And the Israelite (Reubenite) rolleth his eyes and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill."
 
26:16 The Drill appeared and glared at the Israelite (Reubenite). It then turned to God and spake, "I don't know him at all."
 
26:17 God sneered. "Loser."

26:18 Back on Earth, Moses was sorting the Israelites into ascending order. One of the Israelites spake unto Moses, "What exactly do you mean by ascending order?"

26:19 Moses replied, "Just shut up and ascend you fuckers. God will be back soon."

26:20 "I'm back now," God said quietly behind Moses. He slowly wrapped his arms around Moses and his hands wandered suggestively down to the waistband of his rather amusing biblical trousers.

26:21 God whispered, "Did you miss me, baby?" Moses shivered involuntarily, as his soul tried to escape. Eventually, Moses squeaked, "Yes."

26:22 God leaned around and pushed his lips onto Moses ear. He whispered softly, "Good."

26:23 God then quickly removed himself from around Moses and began to survey the Israelites assembled. They were all rather subdued, having just a few minutes ago been savagely beaten at God's request.

26:24 God's legs grew by twenty feet to provideth him a better view. God nodded approvingly at the mass of terrified faces gazing upon him. He spake down unto Moses, "This is all very impressive, Moses."

26:25 And Moses did reply, "Did you say something? I can't hear you up there." God's retort was to grow a face in the middle of his shin, which Moses didn't like one bit. Why didn't he just keep his stupid mouth shut, Moses thought. God read this thought and smiled.

26:26 And God did reiterate unto Moses, "I said, this is all very impressive, Moses."

26:27 And Moses heart did sink, because he knew that if God were deigning to talk to him, it was inevitable that he would also soon be inflicting pain upon him.

26:28 And so it came to pass that God uttered the word, "However..." and Moses heart sunk further. God scratched his knee furiously.

26:29 God continued, "I notice that the sons of Manasseh, from the family of Machirites are not sorted in ascending order. My instructions were quite clear, Moses."

26:30 And Moses replied, "I'm sorry, Lord, but I did tell them. I told them with violence, where necessary, which was always. We had some trouble deciding what exactly you wanted to be in ascending order, so we went for age."

26:31 And God's legface roared, "You fool, Moses! I wanted them in order of willingness to die! Why would you put an army in any other order?"

26:32 Before Moses could reply, God began asking questions, which Moses had prepared for. God said, "How many men from the family of Manasseh are here?"

26:33 Moses heart soared as he had anticipated such a question. He feverishly flicked through his notes and pulled out the relevant page. He scanned it quickly and shouted, "Fifty two thousand six hundred and twelve!"

26:34 And God was not pleased, but he never fucking is. He spake unto Moses, "Oh Moses, you're wrong. Twice."

26:35 Moses could barely conceal his dread. His skin went a whiter shade of pale. He steeled himself and asked, "How am I wrong twice?"

26:36 And God replied, "There are two reasons and the truth is plain to see. Firstly, you were too slow. Secondly..." God snapped his fingers. "...there are only fifty two thousand six hundred and ELEVEN."

26:37 Moses nodded appreciatively. He thought God had overstretched himself with such a bold claim as "you're wrong twice", but as ever, God delivered.

26:38 And so it came to pass that God delivered an almighty sucker punch unto Moses, right in the kidney. As Moses keeled over, God danced around, crowing "Piss blood! Piss blood!"
 
26:39 Moses writhed around in agony until God tired of his moaning, bleeding and urinating. This took about three hours.

26:40 And God strode amongst the masses of Israelites assembled. He marched through the ranks with an unseen purpose, until he reached a particular son of Benjamin. God stared him in the eye and solemnly handed the son of Benjamin a single red rose.

26:41 The son of Benjamin nodded gravely and proceeded to the front of the army. God marched on, until he reached a specific member of the family of Shuhamites, who were swine footwear enthusiasts.

26:42 God looked the son of Benjamin up and down. He spake, "Are you German?" The son of Benjamin admitted that he was. God gave a wry smile and handed over a red rose.

26:43 God spent a while removing himself from the thronged Shuhamites on account of the extremely productive forced breeding programme God had placed them on. The Shuhamites numbered threescore and fourtrick thousand.

26:44 They also occupied an area eighty cubits cubed in a five dimension folding space.

26:45 God eventually found himself upon the family of the Heberites. He was crowd surfing. The Heberites were known for their rock and roll antics, which is why God deigned to put them at the front of his army.

26:46 And God suddenly stopped crowd surfing and started crowd crushing. God was not very rock and roll. Mostly just rock.

26:47 He stood and peeled a few Heberites from his back and tossed them to floor. As God flung the corpses around, one caught his eye, so he had a little nibble. It was hard work, counting armies!
 
26:48 God approached the family of Yahtzeeites but quickly avoided them, as they were rolling dice and commenting unfavourably on the various games of the day.

26:49 God quickly rose above the Israelite army and peered over at Moses, who was still rolling around in agony. Satisfied, God continued his rounds and he did survey the rest of his army personally, not trusting that useless meatbag Moses to do it.

26:50 God peered at the families of Naphtali, who numbered forty to fifty thousand. He wasn't sure, nor did he care. All humans died sooner or later anyway.

26:51 And so it came to pass that the children of Israel were counted, verified and were soon to be branded. In total, they numbered six hundred and one thousand and seven hundred and twenty nine. The willing members of the force were zero.

26:52 God returned unto Moses and pulled him upright. He reclined against a rock and said, "Moses, do you think we spent too long counting all the Israelites?"

26:53 Moses replied, "Oh no, my Lord. It took a while, but I'm sure we can abridge it in the written record of the events."

26:54 And God shook his head with amusement. "Oh no, dear Moses, this event shall have an entire book devoted to it. It shall, infact, be entirely dedicated to the numbering of Israelites."

26:55 Moses sighed and said, "An entire book?" God nodded with his usual concealed malcontent. "Yes, Moses. Future generations need to know this shit."

26:56 And thus, with the Israelites numbered, God set out the rules of engagement to his completely willing army.

26:57 God ruled, "After our almost assured victory, land and severed heads will be distributed according to your kill counts. And I will be counting."

26:58 And God continued, "Friendly fire will be penalised after thirty offenses, so go nuts, guys!"

26:59 Next, God addressed the Levites. He spake, "You lot should probably look after the Tabernacle or something. I shall be watching 'powerlessly' as my soldiers are dying for me."

26:60 The Levites sighed. One of them spoke up, spoking, "Why don't we get the chance to die and, er, perhaps go to Heaven. Heaven has to be better than this shitty desert we've been in for years, right?"

26:61 And the Lord did plant upon his face a knowing smile. The Levites concluded that Heaven was probably worse and that they should be grateful for what they had. Which was nothing.

26:62 And God did look down upon his army with happiness. He said unto Moses, "You know, Moses, I think I could get quite used to this war thing. Thoughts?"

26:63 Moses shrugged and replied, "I think you'll get bored soon enough." God chuckled and said, "Oh, we'll see Moses, we'll see."

26:64 The sun began to set on the land the Israelites occupied. God commanded his armies lie down immediately and rest for a two weeks in preparation to the battles ahead. Moses said, "Are you really sure you know how humans work?"

26:65 And God laughed merrily, turning into the sunset. With his back to Moses, he bit his lip and made a mental note to check the manual.

27:1 The next morning, God was up early and was sitting outside the tabernacle with a shotgun across his lap.

27:2 Four, or perhaps five women approached. It was difficult to tell, since they were mostly amorphous. God peered over his shades at them.

27:3 “Our father was out in the woods when he died” exclaimed one shape. “What was he doing in the woods?” retorted God, sharply.

27:4 “Dog.. Err, well.. look, the point is, he doesn't have any sons” it continued. God smirked and used the business end of his shotgun as a chinrest, “So?” he replied.

27:5 “So.. the laws you laid down say that his inheritance must go to his sons!” spake the blob. “HIS TEETH ARE MADE OF DIAMONDS”, blurted out another.

27:6 “The plot thickens” muttered God and smirked smirkier. “Well, I'll tell you what I'll do..” he continued.

27:7 God prodded his shotgun trigger with a snakelike toe, removing the front hemisphere of his head. “BAAAARGGHHH” he gurgled, loudly.

27:8 The ladyish Israelites didn't wait for clarification on God's puzzling statement, or indeed an end to his sentence, instead deciding to flee.

27:9 Moses emerged from his bedroom just as God was entering the tabernacle. “Did I nick myself shaving again?” he spluttered. Moses vomited out of his nose.

27:10 After God had finished reassembling his skull, a man called Joshua knocked on the door.

27:11 God immediately suspected he was a trade unionist. God was not far off.

27:12 Joshua informed the assembled deities and lackeys that he was a representative of the Israelite people and also a certified ladder safety technician.

27:13 He then produced a smartly laminated ID card, which neither God nor Moses looked at. God reclined.

27:14 “I am deeply concerned about the treatme..” began Joshua. God cut the man off; although for once, not literally.

27:15 “Let me stop you there, Josh. Joshy. Joshster.” said God, putting a scaly arm around him and guiding him towards the door.

27:16 God told Moses to assemble the Israelites in front of his atrocity stage before leaving the tabernacle with a rather uncomfortable Joshua.

27:17 “Listen Josh.. May I call you Josh?” began God. The two walked and talked but before Joshua (which is actually what he preferred to be called) could answer, God steamrollered on.

27:18 “Listen Dave, the thing is.. I'm not actually all that keen on people telling me what to do. Or asking me politely to do something. Or begging for mercy.” continued God.

27:19 God explained that, infact, most interactions with him usually ended in violence. Also that his anger management wasn't getting results and his fists were getting chapped.

27:20 “As such. I'll be making a.. something.. of you. What's the word I'm looking for here?” said God. “Err.. an example?” stuttered Joshua.

27:21 “Right!” cried God, just as the two arrived on the stage. “Moses, touch this man.” said God, nodding vaguely in Joshua's direction. Moses was both surprised and not surprised at the same time. Surnporisted.

27:22 And lo, Moses did touch Joshua inappropriately, as a truly biblical crowd looked on uncomfortably. God smirked; another enlightening lesson for mankind.

27:23 After a truly awkward 20 minutes of silence, the crowd dispersed; to a man feeling thoroughly unclean. Incidentally, God decided to murder Joshua anyway, just to hammer the point home. Right home.

28:1 And all this murder made the Lord hungry, so he spake unto Moses, saying, "I'm hungry, whatever your name is."

28:2 And Moses sighed and said, "It's Moses, my Lord." God wagged his finger disapprovingly, saying, "I'm everybodies Lord, not just yours. Except the Muslims, of course. Oh, and the Levites." God snickered.
 
28:3 And the Lord explained that he was hungry for lamb. He spake, "I demand that a lamb service is commenced immediately. Freshly cooked rare lamb must be available to me right now."

28:4 And Moses said, "Right now, my Lord? Can it not wait a few minutes, as I don't think-" God shook his head slowly, which Moses took to be a sign that he should stop talking immediately.

28:5 And so, to punish Moses for talking, God decreed more rules for his sheepy feast: "Every ten hours, I demand a flatbread made from flour ground by punching. And punching alone. Also required is oil dispensed by a wench. Any variety of wench or oil will suffice. As you know, I'm not fussy."

28:6 God stroked his pubic bush with malice. Then he said, "This lamb and bread feast should then be carted up Sinai and served unto me there. If it goes cold on the way, well... don't let it happen."

28:7 God then had a look through the wine list. He plumped for the one cryptically labelled, 'RED, STRONG'.

28:8 God then decided that he might not feel like lamb by the time he got up Sinai, but that he should be offered it anyway, in case being prompted of it would suddenly make him fancy it. God said, "You ever get that, Moses?"

28:9 The Lord then declared that on the sabbath, the meaty offerings should be doubled. He justified this (not that he had to) by saying, "Well, everyone likes a roast on a Sunday, right lads?"

28:10 Moses read God's order back to him. His tone of voice could have been described as that of a 'bored waiter', but really, Moses invented the tone of voice and disinterested food service staff unwittingly adopted it later.

28:11 And God was pleased, because he'd been abusing his omniscience to watch ladies shower. Since he hadn't been listening to Moses at all, he rambled on, placing additional demands upon an already starved and broken Israelite populace.

28:12 Tapping his finger to his pursed lips, God spake, "I'd like one bullock, medium rare, a swan, well done, a ram, poorly done, seven acne-free lambs and some raw flour to wash it all down with."

28:13 And the Israelites began preparing for the sacrifice. They started by ringing around livestock suppliers to see if any sheep were knocking about in the desert.

28:14 And the Lord, who had not spoken in almost twelve seconds, did grow impatient. He cried, "Waiter, waiter!" to which Moses replied, "I'm right here, Lord. I've been taking your order for the past twelve minutes."

28:15 God was pleased. He didn't like to be kept waiting. He began ordering table decorations, which mostly consisted of body parts on spikes (God hadn't invented pineapples and cheese yet).

28:16 God then suddenly decided when the glorious event of Passover should be, which was, oddly enough, right then. He didn't tell anybody, though, so he'd have something to be angry about later.

28:17 The Lord then commanded Moses to bring him some party poppers so he could cover the Israelites in shredded paper. Upon Moses prompt return, God spake, "You were very slow, Moses. Also, these aren't big enough. I want them to be the size of my fist." With that said, God's fist grew several cubits.

28:18 Moses returned shortly with some rather large party poppers. God looked at them blankly and said unto Moses, "What do you say Moses?" God was met with a blank stare, behind which was fear and resignation and a moustache. Moses shrugged.

28:19 God exploded with fury and raged, "For fuck's sake, man, it's Passover! You should say 'Happy Passover' or some other relevant shite! What the fuck is wrong with you?" God unloaded the cannon sized party popper in Moses face. Moses had a feeling that would happen.

28:20 God continued to rant, "What do you think this whole food business was about? Just a random whim of mine to eat a load of food and kill loads of innocent creatures? Is that it? Of course it's bloody not, it's a great celebration for all the Israelites, now the lot of you sit down and start fucking celebrating. Except those cooking all the lamb, of course."

28:21 And so it was that all the Israelites busied themselves preparing the Passover feast, except for an unlucky seven who couldn't find anything to make themselves look busy, so they had to sit at the table with God and Moses. God kicked Moses foot playfully under the table.

28:22 And Moses, who was still rather concussed from the previous installment of violence, did ignore God's flirting and chewed listlessly on a leg of goat. It rather chewy, being still attached to the goat.

28:23 God threw his comically over sized fork down and stared across the table at Moses. He choked back a sob and cried, "Moses, you've ignored me all Passover. It's the first bloody one. For my sake, can't you at least make an effort to talk to me?"

28:24 God threw his wine over Moses and stormed off. He shouted back to the table, "This shit is going to last for seven days, Moses, so please get your shit together and be a person." The rest of the Israelites at the Passover table didn't know where to look.

28:25 God returned several hours later, having spent the intervening time throwing up in Moses' bed.
 
28:26 And God decreed unto all the Israelites that the seventh day of Passover should be a day of rest. He added the caveat that anyone involved in the preparation of feasts, the provision of emergency medical care, controllers of air traffic and the like were exempt from this.

28:27 God then sat back at the table, now devoid of Israelites save Moses, who was rocking gently, admiring the patterns that drifted across his vision as his retina slowly detached. He ordered several young animals be cooked for him immediately. He said to Moses, "I like the young ones. Innocence has a certain... je ne sais quoi, y'know?"

28:28 And God feasted upon the young animals, cooked to perfection by toiling Israelites. He smacked his lips and sat back in his seat, satiated. Speaking to Moses, who was now somewhat horizontal, he said, "Ah yes, I could get used to this Passover thing. We should do it again some time. The Israelites seem to rather enjoy it, too."

28:29 Behind them, an Israelite shot the Lord a dirty look. God shot Melf's Acid Arrow back, scoring a critical hit (naturally) and hitting the Israelite for 137 damage. The Israelite perished instantly, which was the Israelites preferred time-frame for perishment.

28:30 Moses rolled under the table and threw up a little. He wasn't sure if he had gone blind or if it had just gone dark. It turned out to be both.

28:31 And God, who had rather enjoyed Passover, did pull Moses out from the table, brush him down and say, "Yes, Moses, this was a resounding success. Make a note of every animal I ate. We'll do this again next year." And with that, God disappeared to have a satisfyingly massive shit.

29:1 “Trumpet Day!” called God to Moses from through the toilet door. “What?” enquired Moses, looking up from the copy of Tuna Weekly he'd just started reading.

29:2 The sounds of a man in great turmoil emanated from the bathroom door, followed by a splash.

29:3 “Trumpet Day!” cried God, emerging with a newspaper folded neatly under his arm. Every single article in it was about him.

29:4 Moses glanced past God into the bathroom, where an upturned dwarf could be seen shoulder-deep in the toilet bowl. God flashed Moses a cheeky wink.

29:5 Sitting at the table, God began to peel a coconut and laid out his plan for Trumpet Day. “Didn't we just have Passover?” asked Moses.

29:6 “Passover? I'm pretty sure I never called it that.” replied God, surprised. Moses checked the Numbers book God had put in the attic.

29:7 “I think you did. It says here in this bit labelled 28:9” said Moses, his face slowly melting off his skull.

29:8 “What did I tell you about that book!?” cried God, throwing it through the ceiling back into the loft, where it knocked over the painting it had been next to. Somewhere, Dorian Gray fell over.

29:9 “I don't know, what did you tell me about the book?” asked Moses. “I'll just check in the book... waaaaiiit a minute!” said God, playfully tossing a hot spoon in Moses' direction.

29:10 As Moses chased his left eyeball around the table, God explained that TRUMPET DAY (it had since become capitalised) was a much more exciting name than Passover.

29:11 Moses found his eye and pushed it back into his head with a satisfying thunk. “But don't the Israelites already know it as Passover?” he asked.

29:12 God finished peeling his coconut, spilling the contents everywhere. “Urgh. I suppose we'd better find out.” he said, moistly.

29:13 And lo, God did stride among the people of Israel, asking man and boy (but not girl, ewww) whether they had enjoyed TRUMPET DAY.

29:14 After enforcing his views on the first ten bemused people he met, God's finger got tired and he decided that Moses was probably right.

29:15 He thought about that statement for a moment and decided that Moses probably had divine inspiration instead.

29:16 God returned to the tabernacle, followed by Moses who took a full whack in the face from the beaded anti-insect curtain on the door. God truly was a poor loser.

29:17 And lo, God and Moses did sit in the tabernacle in silence. Moses lamented his missing of Countdown while God pinged little rolled up pieces of paper at him.

29:18 Pieces of paper which once made up an enormous 2 cubit banner, declaring “Happy TRUMPET DAY!”. God could flick pretty hard. This fact had not escaped Moses.

29:19 As God ran out of banner and began to fire razor sharp playing cards at him, Moses decided it was dinnertime.

29:20 Moses did mosey on into his mosey-in cupboard and retrieve his black cooking book; shifting aside “Cooking For Black People” and, more worryingly, “Cooking Black People”. Both were purchased for him by God.

29:21 As he moseyed out of the cupboard, he picked up a live goat from the sheep shelf and a sheep from the goat shelf. “Oh you guys!” he chortled.

29:22 Moses turned out the cupboard light and was immediately hit in the face with an entire deck of cards. God had become tired of this game and had gone outside for a stroll.

29:23 And so, Moses did put on the theme from Top Gun (whatever that was) and began to create a culinary masterpiece.

29:24 Quoting from the book, Moses read aloud to nobody in particular. “Head and hoof a young sheep. Now swap them over”.

29:25 “Once this is done..”, Moses glanced up at the sheep, who looked back at him with the confusion only attainable by an animal with four feet where its head used to be.

29:26 “Once this is done..” Moses continued, “Remove the innards from the sheep and feed them to a small goat”. Moses took his pencil from behind his ear, “Check!”.

29:27 “Now sit on the sheep with a good view of the oven. Par-bake the goat in a kerosene marinade”, Moses continued.

29:28 And lo, Moses did sit upon a mutilated, confused sheep. And he did watch a goat, soaked in kerosene, be baked alive. Funnily, it wasn't the strangest afternoon he'd had recently.

29:29 When the goat was in and out of consciousness and could no longer dance on the hot baking tray to protect it's feet (as the book suggested), Moses removed it from the oven.

29:30 The goat was fed to the sheep, which had no innards, so it just sort of fell out again. Moses questioned the logic in this step.

29:31 After several more steps from the highly questionable book (which was in God's handwriting and had no ISBN number), Moses had something resembling a turducken. Probably a shoat.

29:32 The goat, who now appeared to be sharing both a consciousness and a body with the sheep, was glazed with a toucan reduction and placed back in the oven on gas mark 4.

29:33 As the book suggested, Moses reclined in his favourite easy chair, fell asleep and forgot all about the cooking process.

29:34 About six hours later, Moses awoke to find that the entire tabernacle was on fire. God was sitting in his chair, also on fire, leafing through a rapidly disintegrating issue of Throb.

29:35 “Mmm, smells delicious”, sarcasticised God, raising his eyebrows with a smirk. Moses put his own hair out with the contents of a vase.

29:36 And Moses did chant the rime of the panicked man “shitfuckshitfuckshitfuck” as he extinguished his seventh tabernacle inferno this month.

29:37 He retrieved the cookbook, which was printed on asbestos, and did read “Now fall asleep and set fire to your entire residence. All of it. BURN IT ALL”.

29:38 “Heh” exclaimed Moses, as he donned his welder's mask and removed a culinary horror from the mouth of the oven.

29:39 He offered it up to God, who looked at it and recoiled slightly. The goat twitched. “It's burnt”, he said.

29:40 “It's.. well done?” squeaked Moses, until the goat twitched again and they both decided it should probably be encased in concrete and sunk to the deepest part of the ocean.

30:1 A new day dawned all over the Israelites faces. Moses gathered all the leaders of the Israelites into the tabernacle's boardroom, as he had received new orders from the Lord. The Israelites looked nervously upon Moses, who was still receiving the fax from Heaven.
 
30:2 And eventually Moses did say, without much enthusiasm, "God says, er, let me see... if you make a promise unto the Lord, then thou should keep the promise." The Israelites nodded in cautious agreement. It seemed a perfectly reasonable request, which put them on edge.
 
30:3 Moses continued, "Furthermore, if a woman makes a promise to the Lord, whilst she is still living with her dad and is currently within five hundred miles of a spider..." The Israelites rolled their eyes.
 
30:4 Moses went on, "Then the father is also liable for any broken promises, whether he was dead or alive at the time, or indeed her father at all." The Israelite leaders smiled knowingly. This was more like it.
 
30:5 God's new orders continued, "And if the father does prevent the woman from fulfilling a sexy promise, then the woman shalt be doubly liable and the father forgiven, because, er..." Moses paused. He peered at the facsimile and said, "The words just stop here. I'll move on."
 
30:6 Moses, who was bored already, began scanning ahead and paraphrasing. He spake, "Aaand, if a woman makes a promise to God and she's married and the husband doesn't know about it then the woman shall be savagely beaten and... blah blah blah, usual stuff, et cetera, et cetera, oh! Then the husband shall be given a new wife from the Bridepool."
 
30:7 And the leaders of the Israelites said, "What's a Bridepool?" Moses shrugged and read on: "Oh, it turns out there has to be a Bridepool created. To help with the influx of recently bereaved husbands."
 
30:8 The Israelites frowned. "What influx of recently bereaved husbands?" Moses gave them a meaningful look. The Israelites slapped their foreheads. Why hadn't they learned yet? God knows.
 
30:9 Moses turned over a new page of God's orders. He sighed deeply and read, "All widows are never to be believed."
 
30:10 The leaders of the Israelites and Moses had a break for lunch, which was composed of fish sandwiches. The Israelites peered inside the sandwiches carefully. The fish were still flapping inside, sustaining themselves on the healing power of butter.
 
30:11 Moses rolled his eyes. "This has God written all over it." Another Israelite piped up, "Hey, mine too!" Infact, all the sandwiches had been branded accordingly. God liked people to know who'd ordered a slave child to make a fish sandwich for them.
 
30:12 After the Israelites had carefully disposed of their sandwiches, Moses continued to lay out God's new orders. He spake, "Husbands may slap, spank, molest, penetrate, excavate and procreate with their wives at their leisure. The same cannot be said of their wives, who may cook whenever they please, as long as the husband is also pleased."
 
30:13 Moses paused for a moment and said, "Does this seem really sexist to anyone else? Yeah? Oh, good. I just wondered because I can't really tell any more. My entire life is... meh, nevermind."
 
30:14 The Israelites looked relieved, because they were sick of listening to Moses harp on about his life. After the meeting was finally over, they said, "We've got a bad life too, y'know? We've followed Moses and... you-know-who into this shitty desert for no discernible reason other than an extremely vague promise of a better future. Like we've never heard that from Pharaoh before."
 
30:15 Meanwhile, as the Israelites were bitching about Moses, God was carefully directing the placement of several tasteless statues in the tabernacle.

30:16 God rolled his eyes and hit Moses with a burning newspaper. "Come ON, Moses, sort your life out. I already told you the hilariously large breasted statues can't be looking at each other. It's not feng shui! Try again and this time, think!" Moses continued God's work, all the while thinking wistfully of the day he would die.

31:1 The following day, much travelling was done. In so far as millions of people walking across a desert can be considered travel.

31:2 God sat atop the tabernacle, swaying gently with the contours of the road and also the spines of the seventy three Levites upon which it was mounted.

31:3 As God was at the height of his “coolness by looking nonchalant” phase, Moses began to suspect something was up. God’s face battled a smirk.

31:4 Moses peered into the dusty distance, scanning for the source of God’s poorly concealed mirth. He hoped it was an empty grave with his name on.

31:5 As it turns out, Moses wasn’t far wrong. In fact, what was emerging from the gaping maw of the horizon was the land of Midian.

31:6 For those new to biblical geography, Midian was a nation populated entirely by angry drunk men. Noone was quite sure how the population was maintained.

31:7 Some had deduced that the issue was a gravitational sinkhole, caused by the pressure of an enormous but invisible planet sitting on the region. Others suspected that the price of beer may have been the key factor.

31:8 And lo, the Israelites, an on-the-whole peaceful and “family style” nation were sent into war with what can only be described as a biblical Newcastle.

31:9 “TO ARMS!” cried the generals. God’s smirk rose to the point where not even his hand casually covering his mouth could hide it. It extended beyond the borders of his face in a mostly physically improbable event.

31:10 “Nope”, said God, “No weapons. Let’s settle this like MEN”. God ran off into the battlefield waving his fists above his head in wild circles.

31:11 And for all their semibricks and broken drinking vessels, the Midians were not a match for God’s fists; who he had tentatively named Porker and The Colonel.

31:12 After punching four Midians to the ground and showing no signs of stopping, God turned to the Israelites and called “Come on then, I’m not doing this all my bloody self!”.

31:13 And the Israelites did charge, waving their weaponless fists in a manner much less enthusiastic than God’s display.

31:14 Although the army of Midian was mostly drunk, they did possess weapons formed from common household items. The Israelites owned a vast arsenal of weaponry, but God wouldn’t let them use it.

31:15 However, what the Israelites lacked in armament, they made up for in numbers (Hey, that’s the name of the book!).

31:16 For every Israelite who had his head caved in with an ornamental ashtray, three more were there to climb over his carcass and continue the fight.

31:17 Moses, in the thick of the battle, did look around him at the senseless violence and proclaim “Good God”. “Thanks!” yelled God, smiling at him through a crowd of people who were either terrible at or too drunk to fist fight.

31:18 God strolled across to Moses, making a fist-shaped imprint in a man’s chest as he went. “He was one of ours”, said Moses.

31:19 “Porker don’t take orders from no fool” replied God, breaking Moses’ nose with a somewhat softer blow. “YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN!?” he exclaimed, eyebrows raised.

31:20 “I think it’s all going very well, don’t you?” continued God, as the mounting bodies raised him slightly higher off the ground.

31:21 “Wew id debends whad you mead by wew”, responded Moses, very broken-nosedly. God removed Moses’ nose with the old “Got your nose!” trick; only God’s version wasn’t an illusion.

31:22 After punching him in the face with the other fist (Porker could no longer be controlled and was furiously destroying all the wounded who fell within 6 feet of God), Moses’ nose was in a position which could be considered functional, although not ideal during rainfall.

31:23 “Thankyou”, said Moses, making the speech marks sign with his index and middle fingers. God informed him that it was no problem. It really wasn’t!

31:24 The battle against the mostly harmless breweryfolk of Midian was soon over and God assembled the remaining Israelites for a debrief.

31:25 Although the Israelites had won the battle, twice as many had been killed as the entire population of Midian. Total War would later class this as a “slight victory”.

31:26 “Slay every man who hath lain with another man!” cried God. “Whether that man be a man or a woman.” He continued.

31:27 “Wait, do you mean the first man or the second man in that sentence?” replied the Israelites, creepily in unison.

31:28 “Hmm?” said God, “Oh, err, I don’t know. Just leave me some virgins alive and get something nice for yourself”. God slid money into the shirt pocket of every Israelite, giving each a cheeky wink.

31:29 The Israelites were understandably distressed at being forced into non-virgin genocide but Midian did have a tremendous Primark and they also did have a whole twelve pounds each.

31:30 And so, with the virgins strained from the proverbial broth like the proverbial teabag, the literal God looked upon them and was mostly pleased.

31:31 God’s pleasery was only derived from the fact that 51% of the virgins were female. The rest were virgins for a reason.

31:32 After the Israelites had finished genociding mostly sleeping people, God did announce to them “Here is your share of the spoils!”, pointing to the hand chosen group of virgins.

31:33 The Israelites were less than pleased to have been rewarded for fighting a horrible war with hundreds of hideous men.

31:34 However, the Israelites’ less than pleasedery was derived from the fact that they were only 49% pleased with this reward. The fact that God had given them anything at all brought most to tears of joy.

31:35 And lo, the Israelites did enjoy their reward in the most biblical of senses and their all-consuming hatred of God was alleviated to a mild-to-extreme dislike.

31:36 God, understandably, took the lion’s share of the virgins. This particular lion being 100% selective for females. A hairdresser of lions if you will.

31:37 The sort of lion who will bitch about your boyfriend with you, hold your hair back while you’re sick, braid your hair while you’re not being sick and generally bide his time until your most fragile emotional state.

31:38 At which point he will eat you. Literally. I’m serious, don’t read that as innuendo.

31:39 Anyway, God was less subtle than this lion and his cock-o’-many-cocks was even less subtle. Less subtle than just about anything infact. A whale at a dinner party. A chav’s jewellery. Jade Goody.

31:40 After having his biblical way with all of them and making Moses watch, God had the virgins thrown in the furnace. “Damaged goods, yo.” He did mutter, smoking 400 cigarettes.

31:41 Once Moses had regained the vision in his right eye, he left the tabernacle and was greeted by a cow in a white shirt with an attractive 70’s tie.

31:42 The cow explained that he was the head of the Midian branch of the National Union of Cows and that, having murdered the entire human populace, the Israelites now had a lot of disenfranchised cows on their hands.

31:43 “WE WUV YOOOO!” yelled the unhelpful and mostly brain damaged cow to his right, leaping into Moses’ arms.

31:44 “Urgh, err, well.. we kind of have a lot of cows already!” grunted Moses, struggling with the weight of a 400 lb retarded cow.

31:45 “And, you know, we don’t really like buying items at the door” he continued. The cow was now licking his face in an unsettling manner.

31:46 “The way I see it” mused the union cow, “you sort of owe us. Owe us BIG”, a couple of union heavies sidled up to Moses, tapping large baseball bats against their hooves menacingly.

31:47 “Uhhhh... I’ll get the boss!” exclaimed Moses, dropping Stephen the cow on his head (again) and running into the tabernacle.

31:48 In his bedroom, God was sitting in his dressing gown; which was altogether too short and displayed his right testicle quite prominently.

31:49 “There are some peop... err, yeah, people at the door to see you” stumbled Moses, trying to look anywhere else but failing.

31:50 “Tell them to come in! I’m just having tea! Would they like some!?” beamed God. “Really?” replied Moses. “No. Tell them to fuck off” grumbled God.

31:51 Moses explained that if he did that, he’d probably get his legs broken. God was as sympathetic as you might expect but got up anyway.

31:52 He parted the beaded curtains and stood proudly in the door of the tabernacle. “Eurrgh!” exclaimed the cows in unison and averted their eyes.

31:53 God poked his testicle back behind its silken curtain and cleared his throat. “Yes?” he said, forcing an amiable look onto his face.

31:54 Unfortunately, God’s amiable look more closely resembled arousal than anything. The cows weren’t sure what to do. It was a pretty awkward moment.

32:1 God surveyed the cows thoughtfully and gave a little cough, causing some unnecessary jiggling.

32:2 An ambassador from a local tribe threaded his way through the cattle and nervously approached God, who was protruding with all his splendor. The ambassador threw up a little, but gulped it back expertly. You didn't get to be ambassador for long in biblical times without learning to swallow your own vomit.

32:3 The ambassador proclaimed himself to be coming in peace, something God had been doing before the ambassador arrived. He proclaimed himself to represent Ataroth, Dibon, Jazer, Nimrah, Heshbon, Elealeh, Shebam, Nebo and Beon.

32:4 "Those are made up names," God spat. The ambassador replied, "Aren't all names?" God chewed the inside of his face thoughtfully.

32:5 The ambassador pressed on, "The local tribes desire an end to the bloodshed. Oh, and Beon, yes it's a real name, he said 'Fuck you', because you just killed his entire family and all his followers. A pretty modest response, conside-"

32:6 God's arm extended unnaturally and a giant finger was pressed against the ambassadors lips. "Ssh," God said, before snapping his fingers. "There. You no longer represent Beon." The ambassador nodded in subdued acknowledgment.

32:7 Moses ambled outside, clutching a severed head by it's hair. The eyes were comically crossed and a tongue was lolling around. "What do you want me to do with this, oh Lord?" God flashed it a disgusted look and said, "Get rid. I'm done with it."

32:8 Moses walked off, muttering. God focused his full attention upon the ambassador. Three eyes peered into the man's very soul. "Now then," God said, "you were, erm... what was it? You were... oh yes, talking. That's it. Go on."

32:9 The ambassador said, "I came about peace." God spluttered, "Peace? I hate the word, as I hate hell, everybody and me."

32:10 "You hate yourself?" asked the ambassador. God sat on a cow and sighed. "Sometimes, yes. There's just a hollow emptiness in winning every battle I'm involved in. It's too easy. You know, between you and me, I can't even remember why I led the Israelites out of Egypt in the first place."

32:11 "Ah, I heard about that," said the ambassador diplomatically, who's brother had perished in the Red Sea all those years ago. God sighed again, "I mean, what am I doing, leading a bunch of twats around the desert, killing everybody I see?"

32:12 "There, there," said the ambassador, "Perhaps there's something you can do to make it more worthwhile? How about, I don't know, teaching the Israelites to fight properly? Then when they are victorious, so will you be, but all the more, for you put so much hard work into it."

32:13 The Lord stroked his cow. "Why, yes... interesting..." God surveyed the Israelites who were picking off cows and cooking them. "But the Israelites are useless. They're just punching bags, really. Say, those people you represent..."

32:14 The ambassador said, "Oh, you mean Ataroth, Dibon, Jazer, Nimr-" "Yes," God snapped, "Those cunts. How about they fight for me, so I make sure no more of my precious Israelites die?"

32:15 The ambassador floundered. "Er, well, I..." "GREAT!" bellowed God, "have their armies gather on this river and we'll go attack those wankers on the other side."

32:16 God jumped off his cow and embraced the ambassador a little too passionately. "Thanks for this, ambassador, it's been great having a chat with you." Moses, who had just returned from his errand, stared at them hugging. "Twenty years..." he muttered, skulking into the tabernacle.

32:17 And so it came to pass that the armies of the various local tribes nobody wants to read the name of any more were gathered on the river Jordan, slightly bemused as to why they were pointing their weapons at their previously rather friendly neighbours.

 

32:18 Moses awoke the following day to find several thousand children outside his bedroom window. He immediately shouted for God, but on hearing no reply, went and addressed the problem head on. "What do you fucking kids want?" he shouted.

32:19 A child replied, "You have to look after us. That was part of the deal. Are you God?" Moses frowned. "No, I'm not. Wait, did someone leave you wit-" God appeared suddenly, from underneath a child. "Ah, there you all are!" he exclaimed.

32:20 "Nothing to see here Moses, but while I have you, can you please go provide the gathered armies with some premium pussy, if you know what I mean. I mean hookers. Get them some prostitutes, Moses. From their womanfolk. For sex." God disappeared, taking all the children with him. Moses scratched his nose.

32:21 And so Moses did dress himself in his holiest of pimp hats and set off to perform his God given sex trafficking duties.

32:22 Meanwhile, God had dropped the kids off in Heaven (or was it Hell? He always got them mixed up) and was now lightly dusting the assembled army of local tribes with icing sugar.

32:23 And God then proclaimed unto all the masses, "Hello, everyone. I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that you are all currently going to Hell, to live and toil for an eternity of pain. The good news is, you can escape a hellish fate by fighting in this battle and defeating those Jordinians!"

32:24 And the tribes did whisper amongst themselves, while God licked his lips staring over the river at the Jordinians. A soldier spake, "What happens if we die in the battle before they are defeated? Do we still go to Hell?"

32:25 "I don't have time for these kind of minute details," God lied, "So let's just say... yes. You have to win and be alive."

32:26 God snapped his fingers and a giant chalkboard, standing forty cubits in height appeared. "Battle plan!" God proclaimed, producing a piece of chalk. He drew the river Jordan and the surrounding area, before hastily scribbling various directions for his newly enslaved armies to proceed towards.

32:27 And Moses was concerned, because the Jordinians appeared to be standing on the edge of the river and reading God's plan. A furry hand appeared on Moses' arse and God whispered unto him, "Don't worry, you're not going into battle."

32:28 And so Moses, who had recently been lobotomised by God to remove his conscience, was not concerned. Instead, he returned to his on-going duty of slapping some women who were not enthusiastic enough about being forced to have sex with some dirty camel rustlers.

32:29 God bellowed down to the army, "Mortals! The time for battle is nigh!" He checked his war-watch and saw that it was indeed five-to-battle. The armies jeered and clapped, a select few hastily trying to find a sword.

32:30 God prepared to let forth his battlecry. He held an arm up and said, "Give me a G!" The army obeyed. He held up his other arm. "Give me an O!" The army obeyed. God's penis rose fearsomely fast to join his arms in the upright pointing position. "Give me a D!" The army obeyed.

32:31 "What do you get?!" God cried. Moses whispered, "A boner" but was drowned out by the noise of the army. God heard, however, and ultracircumcised Moses where he stood.

32:32 And Moses was a broken man, because God had made him and God was not much of a craftsman. This isn't anything to do with the story, just an observation.

32:33 And so it came to pass that God ordered the army into Jordan. This was considerably less dramatic than he'd intended, as crossing the river took a while. God raised a hand to part the water, but another hand was placed on top of it.

32:34 "No," whispered the ambassador, "they have to do it on their own." God smiled and looked down at the ambassador. "You're right," he replied softly. "You're always so right."

32:36 And God and the ambassador had a little cuddle as they watched the forces of Heshbon efficiently dismembered. God smiled and his eyes wandered. He gazed upon Nebo's soldiers, who were bleeding to death on the sand.

32:37 And the children of Dibon took the initiative and beheaded the Jordanian king, who they quickly discovered to be an alien. God urged them to keep quiet about that one, as careless talk would have been very unwelcome.

32:38 And many more horrible things happened as the Jordanians were senselessly destroyed at God's whim for no other reason than the war-watch saying it was battle o'clock.

32:39 As is the warring tradition, all the Jordanian settlements were renamed after they were conquered. As is not the warring tradition, though, this was taking place while the battle was still ongoing.

32:40 In Kenath, a man was wrestling with a Jordanian just in front of the village sign. Red paint was spilled across the sand. "It's called Havawank!" a man cried. "No! It's called Kenath! The sign still says Kenath!"

32:41 The battle was resolved shortly after. God was pleased. He didn't have to do anything and he STILL won! An Israelite tasked with ensuring all the renaming had done properly approached God and spake, "Oh Lord, town of Pichsmunk cannot be renamed because someone spilled all the paint in the fighting."

32:42 God chuckled jovially and patted the Israelite on the head. He spake, "No problem, my child. It doesn't have to be renamed." The Israelite nodded at what he considered a reasonable statement. God continued, "Raze it to the ground. Then bury it."

The Book of Numbers: 1 - 10  11 - 20  21 - 32
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Last updated 31/01/2010 @ 1503