Back to contents

Old Updates

• 18/08/07 - Added Numbers 20 - 21. The Israelites march on, their war machine unstoppable with God at the helm, bringing with him many devastating weapons, including firey snakes. Meanwhile, apart from the battle, upon a hill, a very permanent death is about to occur to one of Number's main players.

• 30/07/07 - Added Numbers 18 - 19. The Lord informs the Israelites of some new laws he apparently only just thought of and some ominous foreshadowing precedes what will soon be the deaths of many important characters.

• 18/07/07 - Added Numbers 16 - 17. In this short update, many people are killed, both followers of God and his enemies. The Lord works in very strange and also quite deadly ways.

• 10/07/07 - Added Ten Commandments appendix. Updated website appearance. What a large amount of changes we have today! The new look will be quite obvious to all but the blindest of people and the new Appendix will be obvious to all but the most illiterate people. Enjoy, Bible fans.

• 03/07/07 - Added 14 - 15 to Numbers. The Israelites have a deadly tangle with God (as they usually do) and blood is shed (as usual). Also, guest starring are Joshua and Caleb, spies and they bring shocking news for Moses and Aaron. News which could rock the entire Israelite camp!

• 13/11/06 - Added 11 - 13 to Numbers. After a fishing trip on the River Styx, the QJB returns amidst a cacophony of wailing banshees to bring you a burning paperbag containing a fresh McDonalds induced poo of a gift: an update! We hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed excreting it.

• 21/01/06 - Added 8 - 10 to Numbers. The Levites formally enter service as the keepers of the Tabernacle, Moses finds himself dying less and Aaron inches ever closer to his final smiting. There still isn't a war but let us be forgiving, for this is the first time they've had one. They don't really know what they're doing.

• 17/12/05 - Added 5 - 7 to Numbers. As the date of the birth of Christ our Saviour draws near, we should all stop and think about something: What did Christ save us from? Most would say sin, but I still see sin. My children, blessed are we, for the reality is thus: Christ's death was the final "fuck you" to God, who finally left Earth alone. Let us be thankful. Merry Christmas.

• 03/12/05 - Added 2 - 4 to Numbers. The war is close, but not close enough for some people. The Levites are preparing to give the tabernacle a good clean while God plans to destroy his very allies. Just keep telling yourself, He has a plan, He has a plan, He has a plan. It'll all be okay.

• 11/10/05 - Added 25 - 27 to Leviticus. Leviticus complete! Added 1 to Numbers. The laws have been laid. The board is set, the pieces are moving. God gears Moses and Aaron up for war, although who it's against is still undecided. Probably each other, in some kind of arena, like in Gladiator. My bet is on Aaron. He used to work in McDonalds. You know what I'm sayin'.

• 28/09/05 - Added 20 - 24 to Leviticus.  In this penultimate episode of Leviticus, Moses leaves his wife after he finds her cheating with Aaron. Aaron's wife falls in love with Lou but their relationship is plagued by her disturbing past with Ryan, who has the hots for Michelle, who is replused by his sexual history with Aaron's wife's dog. God guest stars.

• 15/09/05 - Added 16 - 19 to Leviticus.  The death toll rises, as is the case when God is around, smoking his cigars of peril. More morals are abound and the issue of homosexuality is finally cleared up. At least for the next few days. God headlines, with Moses and Aaron co-starring. And co-dying.

• 22/08/05 - Added 13 - 15 to Leviticus. You wouldn't believe how many lepers are in this update. I could tell you, but you'd just not believe me. The extent of the leprosy contained within is so mind-buggeringly large that you'd never be able to wrap your mind around it. Not that you'd want to. They're lepers, you know.

• 03/08/05 - Added 10 - 12 to Leviticus. The Great Pea makes what we all hope will be the first of many appearances. Moses and Aaron have some friendly chats with their (Over)Lord and the issue of circumcision is once again raised. In non-Biblical news, we have moved to a new host, which means you can blaspheme even more reliably.
  

• 18/07/05 - Added 6 - 9 to Leviticus. How time flies, like the witch from the catapult. A little of that Leviticus for your consumption, pilgrims. And a nice picture of Hitler at the last supper for a reason best left in Danny's vast brain.

• 26/05/05 - Added 1 - 5 to Leviticus. I bet you all thought we were dead, didn't you? Well, we're not, as this update will testify. Find enclosed within, Moses' morality regarding smoking, death, pointless death and some sinning. Then death, resulting from sinning.

• 10/05/05 - Added 35 - 40 to Exodus. Exodus complete! The Tabernacle fails to have any significance, Aaron and Moses suffer more horrible, terrible torture and Danny and Matt manage to write 25.8kb of text in under 24 hours.

• 10/04/05 - Added 26 - 34 to Exodus. Moses begins to seriously regret existing, some tablets of stone are broken and Aaron does some wrongdoing, even if God made him do it. Exodus was split into more bitesize chunks, as I'm sure will be perfectly obvious. Old updates were shuffled away to a separate page.

• 03/04/05 - Added 18 - 25 to Exodus. Much, much more of God, Moses and occasionally Aaron. This prize winning cucumber of an update includes the 10.5 Commandments, the Several Hundred Sub-Commandments and the Ark of the Covenant. Something for everyone, except maybe Christians.

• 29/03/05 - Added 13 - 17 to Exodus. If this was a Friends episode, it would be called: The One Where Moses Parts The Sea. Cthulu makes a guest appearance and God explains all the dimensions he has created. Then he kills someone with a baguette.

• 13/02/05 - Added 8 - 12 to Exodus. The Ten Great Plagues of Egypt and, in the case of some forgetful Hebrews, them as well. God wears a strange bubble, Moses begins an epic spiral into mental collapse and Eunuch makes a surprise appearance.


• 03/01/05 - Added 3 - 7 to Exodus. The Hebrews are enslaved, Pharaoh Boris is defiant and God is angry. The scene is set for The Ten Plagues of Egypt. This is drama, with a capital DUN DUN DUUUUUH.

• 30/12/04 - Added 1 - 2 to Exodus. Who's the Hebrew that won't cop out, when there's Egyptians all about? MOSES! Right on. 

• 26/12/04 - Added 43 - 50 to Genesis. Genesis complete! Ah, it is finally over. Genesis is now complete, full of increasingly disgusting things many of which are not our creation and actually did feature in the Bible. In the endgame of Genesis, all of your favourite characters star, including Jacob, Joseph and Pharaoh. Most of them die horribly.
  

• 09/12/04 - Added 36 - 42 to Genesis. This is a true monster update, in ever single sense of the word. Including the Snake-Breasted Harpy kind.  Plenty of the usual, and a little Edgar Allan Poe as well. Genesis was divided up into 30 section (or less) chunks, which is good news for everyone, apart from those who actively enjoy downloading 200k webpages. Sorry.
  

• 14/11/04 - Added 32 - 35 to Genesis. More of what you'd expect from the Bible. Rape, penises and God being rather arrogant. A few high profile people die and a lot of low profile people do also. Yes, indeed, traditional Biblical stuff. 

• 08/11/04 - Added 27 – 31 to Genesis. New, lofty heights of humour are achieved, although this is very debatable and could actually mean that new, more disgusting lows have been reached. Either way, some strange sheep, a very strange town and generally lots of strange people do very strange things. Also, God rains pianos.

• 19/09/04 - Added 23 - 26 to Genesis. Features Abraham's wife's death, estate agents and a plethora of terrible Nirvana jokes as well as many other exciting events which involve other famous people dying. Jacob debuts.

• 15/09/04 - Added 21 - 22 to Genesis. Features kung fu sheep, Legolas and Isaac getting rather a hard time.

Last updated 13/09/2009 @ 2213